Ouroboros Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 I haven't read all the jokes in the thread, so I'm not sure if this one is in here already or not, but I don't care, I tell it anyway: Two buddies was on a vacation, travelling through Louisiana. When they got closer to the city Natchitoches they got into a fight how to pronounce it. They discussed back and forth until they got in the city and decided to stop for lunch. To resolve the issue they decided to ask the blond woman who took their order: "Before we make our order, can you resolve an issue we have?" "Sure, what's the question?" "Please tell us, really slowly, where we are?" The blond leaned forward and says: "Buuuuurrrrrgeeeerrrrr Kiiiiinngggg." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuroikaze Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 A couple is taking a vacation in Scotland and they pull over to look a pretty rock wall on the side of the road, while they are looking at it a scotsman come up and starts talking to them "Aye, Me names Shamus, ye like me wall do ye?" he says "well I built that wall with me bare hands, I found every rock and set it there...but do they call me Shamus the wall builder? No they do not. "do you see that cotage over yonder?" he continues, "I built that cottage with me bare hands was well, I found every rock and stone and placed them there, but do they call me Shamus the Cottage builder? No they Do not. He continued again, getting quite irate by this time, "do you see that castle up on yonder hill? I built that castle all by me self, found every stone and placed them one by one, it took years but I built the whole castle all by me self....but do they call me Shamus the castle builder? NO THEY DO NOT..... BUT YOU FUCK ONE SHEEP!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Emerson Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 hansolo, your joke is actually funny. so is yours niveks, haha. beastiality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunar Shadow Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 How do you kill Superman? Stand on his air hose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted May 27, 2006 Share Posted May 27, 2006 An optometrist instructs a blonde in his office to read the eye chart. "Sorry, Doc," she says. "I can't make it out." "Can you see my diploma hanging on the wall?" "Nope, it's too blurry," she answers. He thinks a minute, then takes out his penis. "Can you see this?" "Why yes, it's your penis." "I knew it," he says, "you're cock-eyed!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt And sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to Reality. Whispering...... Dave........ Dave........ ........you're a vet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 Some random oldies restored: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!". Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted June 10, 2006 Share Posted June 10, 2006 Speaking of oldies Hans: confusious say...;0) ...man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts. ...man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key! ...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed. ...he who smoke pot, choke on handle. ...woman who wear g-string, high on crack! ...he who stand on toilet, high on pot! ...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss! ...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs! ...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money! ...he who masturbate, screw only himself! ...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok! ...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AgnosticBob AtheistPants Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Got this in an e-mail today. The solution to airline hijackings... Replace all flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the hell? They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues. Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Helmet Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 If you get this, consider yourself a nerd A lepton and baryon walk into a room. The baryon asked for a tequila, the lepton had the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mr. XC Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Speaking of nerds, from bash.org: http://bash.org/?212775 hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?" lol turns out he misheard him he thought he said thumbtacs you should have seen the look on the chicks face omfg til the day i die i will never forget it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AgnosticBob AtheistPants Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Shiva H. Vishnu Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Two farmers approach each other walking opposite directions on a dirt road. As they get close one farmer sees the other farmer is carrying a sack. "Whatcha got innat sack?", asked the first farmer. "Chickens" the second farmer bluntly replied. "Well, hell, if I guess how many chicken you got innat sack, will you give me one of em?" asked the first farmer. "Boy, if you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack", he said incredulously " I'll give you both of em." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.' 'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sage Nabooru Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Guy goes out every night and gets drunk. His wife is at her wit's end with him coming home drunk every night. Finally on their anniversary she gives him an ultimatum. She gives him a box that morning, and he opens it and finds the most becoming and expensive men's shirt he's ever seen. "This is my gift to you," she said, "and if you come home tonight not drunk and only have one drink at the bar, I'll give you another gift when you get here. *wink*" The guy thinks, "Great!" and heads off to work. On the way home he stops at the same bar as always, promising himself he'll only have one drink so he won't get wasted. But sure enough one drink leads to another, and before long he's totally plastered. He ends up puking all over his brand-new shirt his wife gave him. He starts crying out in disappointment. The bartender comes over and asks what the problem is, and the guy says, "My wife just got me this brand-new shirt and said she'd have sex with me if I came home tonight sober, but now when she sees how I ruined it with my own puke after drinking she'll probably not only hold back on the sex but leave me too!" The bartender tells him not to worry and asks if he has fifty bucks in his wallet. The guy checks and says he does. The bartender tells him to put the fifty bucks in his shirt pocket. "Then go home," he says, "and tell your wife you only had one drink but the guy next to you was so drunk he threw up all over your shirt, and he felt so bad about it he gave you fifty bucks, and show her the money in your pocket." The guy says "That's a great idea!" and goes off. He comes home and his wife is standing there. She takes one look at his shirt and starts yelling. "Wait a minute, honey, I can explain," the guy says, "I only had one drink just like I promised, but the guy next to me was drunk and threw up all over my shirt. He felt bad about it and gave me fifty bucks for a new shirt - look, it's right here in my pocket!" She reaches over and pulls the money out of his pocket and says, "But there's two fifties here." "Oh yeah," the guy says, "He shit in my pants, too." ------------- A guy goes to the same bar every night, where a gang of ruffians hang out. One night the bartender notices the guy looking especially sad, and asks what the problem is. "Every night I come here," the guy says, "And those punks always trick me by coming up and asking me if I know where Ben is, and of course I say, 'Ben who?' and they say 'Ben-d over and kiss my ass.' And I always fall for it and end up kissing their ass. It's humiliating!" The bartender says, "Well just do this. Tomorrow night come in and ask them if they've seen Ilene anywhere around, and when they ask, 'Ilene who?', say, 'Ilene over and you kiss my ass'." Then they'll have to kiss YOUR butt!" "Hey, that's a great idea!" the guy says, and goes home happily. Next day the guy comes in the bar. He walks right up to the gang and says, "Ilene! Oh, Ilene! Hey, has any one of you guys seen Ilene?" "Yeah," says one of them, "She's in the back with Ben." Guy says, "Ben who?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the Driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You Scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
h3lix Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Eww. Here are a couple of Steve Wright-ian one-liners I made up: We should take words like "defenestrate" and throw them out the window. (my signature) I never have to worry about yard waste because I potty-trained my lawn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AgnosticBob AtheistPants Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!" James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader. As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 Heard this morning on a podcast about the study of learning disabilities in kids: Yet another story that has the ring of truth to it, tells of a young boy who came home complaining bitterly that the teacher had moved him and had called him a disgusting elephant. Mother thought this was bit rich and when she dropped him off the next morning she made a point of having a word with the teacher. She said as mildly as she could that she didn't appreciate her son being called names. '... I know he can be annoying at times, but really ...' The teacher looked nonplussed, genuinely puzzled. 'So what am I supposed to have said?' she asked. The mother told her, again trying her best not to sound too angry. 'Oh', said the teacher, 'I said I would have to move him because he was a disruptive element'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chefranden Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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