I Think I'm Permanently Screwed Up.

[Moxie]

Growing up, I was told as a fundy christian how bad and dirty sex was. The adults in my life lauded me for being a virgin, for being so "pure." However, at the fundy church, young girls were getting pregnant right and left. Everything was kept hush hush. In the meantime, I remained single, which is how I sustained the acceptance of the church.

 

I am now 27, have never dated, and never had sex. Personally, I'm still put off by the idea of sex. Yes, I'm afraid of the possible pain, and I have trust issues. I'd like to date, but now that I have some idea of how the real world works, I'm doubtful that any guy can even like me. I've never been asked out; now I know why. I don't give off sexual vibes.

I did entertain homo-romance for a while, and had a short and sweet relationship with a bisexual girl about two years ago. Had to find love somewhere.

 

Aside from that, I fulfilled the wishes of the church by maintaining the image of a pure little girl. Whoop dee doo.

 

I hear women talk about getting married, or they just got married. People talk about their significant others. I cry because I don't even know the first step into that world.

I'm afraid to hang out at various places, for fear that I'll be asked out just for sex.

 

How can I fix this?

[Jedah]

First off, be very glad that you are not a man in this position, they have it much worse. Second, realize that no real man will hold it against you if he knows that you are a virgin. And if you have been masterbating your first time will most likely not hurt.

 

Anyways, for a women your age the pickup game is pretty simple. Despite what magazines out there say there are really only 3 things a gal has to do if she wants to get in a relationship.

 

1. Do not be fat. I'm not saying you need to be a stick, just try to keep your BMI below 26 or so. The majority of men do not believe in BBW.

2. Go outside.

3. Be receptive. Talk back to the guys that talk to you, or else they will figure you are blowing them off and they will move on. Do not ever assume if a guy is asking you out just for sex unless he specifically starts talking about just sex. Smile.

 

To me it seems your problem lies with #2. You don't want a relationship just for sex, but you don't know where to hang out for that so you end up being afraid of the whole process and end up not going outside. I'd say just go to places you enjoy. The only places to avoid where most men will only be after you for a one night stand would be bars, night clubs, casinos, the beach, and Fitness gyms. Places were most single men would want a relationship would be Libraries, Arcades, Hobby clubs/groups ( think stuff like a Great outdoors group meetup ), conventions, and certain internet dating sites. There are always exceptions to this, but just keep it in mind.

[Japedo]

 

 

1. Do not be fat. I'm not saying you need to be a stick, just try to keep your BMI below 26 or so. The majority of men do not believe in BBW.

2. Go outside.

3. Be receptive. Talk back to the guys that talk to you, or else they will figure you are blowing them off and they will move on. Do not ever assume if a guy is asking you out just for sex unless he specifically starts talking about just sex. Smile.

 

 

 

What the............ Hell kind of "advice" is this? What are you a teenager or something Jedah? WTF.

 

Sentinel,

Sorry that had to be your first comment to a horrifically painful and uncomfortable place that you are in your life right now.

Emotional anxiety to do with the trauma of being raised in fundyville I know about. I can't say what it's like to be in your shoes about sex and dating tho.

 

The dogma can effect many of us in ways that will last the rest of our lives. I'm not sure what advice is good to give you about the Sex and dating. It all depends on what you want and what you yourself are comfortable with. Sex the first time is always scary and awkward, Well it was in my experience in any-case. Most things are when they are unknown.

 

Make sure you pick the person, and that it's something you want. Whether it be it be a one night stand or a serious relationship, you are in control of your own life.

 

The only advice I can really give you is make sure you deal with your emotional trauma given to you by the Cult. Feelings of dirtiness, guilt and so forth that are taught by the cult as a way to have emotional control over you and are things you don't want to and shouldn't have to deal with having your first experience. I wish you much luck!!

 

Sorry that I couldn't be more helpful.

[florduh]

Sorry you're suffering. Extreme religion, among other things, can cause serious long-term problems. I wish I could help.

 

How can I fix this?

Professional therapy. It's beyond the scope of advice from anyone on an Internet forum.

[Jedah]

What are you a teenager or something Jedah? WTF.

No, I am a realist. I just told her something that every man knows but will never admit to. Almost everything a Girl does outside those three things is fluff that may or may not help.

 

 

Although what Florduh said is probably the more correct reply. If you want a relationship, but are afraid of some of the basics, thats really a problem no one can help you with with just words.

[MultifariousBirdLady]

First off, be very glad that you are not a man in this position, they have it much worse.

 

Um. No.

 

Anyways, for a women your age the pickup game is pretty simple. Despite what magazines out there say there are really only 3 things a gal has to do if she wants to get in a relationship.

 

Again, No. It's not as easy as men might like to think.

 

However, getting out where one can meet others is helpful.

 

Sentinel, there are definitely things you can do. Professional therapy can be a big help and can provide some great guidance for you as you begin to get involved, but it's not the only way. If you have some good friends you can confide in, they may be able to help you as well.

 

Do you have any ideas about what kind of dating you would be comfortable with? Some people do fine meeting people using online dating websites, while others prefer to find each other through clubs, sports activities, dancing, or whatever. Since you mention that you don't think you don't give off any sexual vibes, do you have some friends who might be able to help you find ways to do that which (again) you'd be comfortable with?

 

It might be helpful to just start with something like that... places or ways to meet potential dates and ways for you to feel confident and attractive in those situations.

[RankStranger]

This same issue comes up pretty regularly on this site for people from early 20's right on up. Even though pop culture has convinced you that you're a freak... it really isn't THAT uncommon.

 

I've always thought that we should have an Exchristian Virgin matchmaking service. I mean, we've got quite a few damn good people around here who happen to be virgins well into adulthood. Why not 'get together' and work this thing out?

 

As for conventional dating- I don't have much useful advice. My conventional dating relationships were relatively few, short-lived, and unfulfilling. But I met my wife online 10 years ago (we were living together within 6 months, married after a couple years), and it's worked out great. If you're socially awkward, not tied down, and not impressed with the locals, then that may be the way to go.

[Moxie]

I've always thought that we should have an Exchristian Virgin matchmaking service. I mean, we've got quite a few damn good people around here who happen to be virgins well into adulthood. Why not 'get together' and work this thing out?

 

 

I agree.

 

I go out to bookstores, the library, and sometimes I eat at high-end restaurants alone. But in my case I think I'm going to need an arrangement, even if it's just dinner and a movie (I know that sounds old-fashioned!).

 

Sometimes I feel like I've traded one religion for another. It's not that I want sex. It's more that I'm being told everywhere that I HAVE to want it.

But I would like to date. I've heard of professional match-making services. I may spend my money on one.

[Jedah]

Again, No. It's not as easy as men might like to think.

 

Actually, yes it is. The biggest mistake Women in their 20's make is overcomplicating the pickup game when in fact the "rules" if any, are very simple. One of my hobbies is observing people and ever since college I have spent years watching people get together in bars, dorms, everywhere. Almost anything a girl does outside of those 3 basics I mentioned is often superfluous.

 

Of course, when it comes to actually building and maintaining a relationship then obviously everything I said is dead wrong. When I say "pickup game" I mean meeting by chance and being asked out on a date within the first 30 minutes~couple hours or so. Taking a relationship from "friends" to something more is completely different.

 

And in cases like what Sentinel has, where the problem is rooted in fear and anxiety, therapy may be the only real option.

 

I know that sounds old-fashioned!

 

Actually, that should work in your favor. The whole idea of a women your age still being inexperienced is old fashioned, and that might help with your charm if you go for old fashioned style dating arrangements.

[Franko47]

Contrary to the mass propaganda, Sentinel, there are more than a few men and women in their twenties with no or very little sexual experience.

 

Aside from some therapy and getting involved with activities where there is a higher chance of meeting someone "nice", once you get involved with a fellow you feel comfortable with. it will make it easier. You'll be more inclined to start experimenting with some physical romance once you get past the "fear of intimacy". Once you meet someone who obviously respects you, and you like them, you'll want to get mushy, and you can take it at your own pace.

[HRDWarrior]

Personally, I'd stop worrying about the sex, or heck, even the relationships. At this point, I would recommend just getting comfortable with guys on a friends basis - I've found that taking even an evening class as long as you interact with the group is a good way to talk to and meet people. The more people you meet and become friendly with outside of fundy-land is always helpful. Finding some guy friends who you are comfortable just hanging out with I think would be useful for you. Chances are, it's not your lack of "sexual vibes" that scares guys off, from your posts I would guess that it has more to do with thinking of men as "bad" (on a subconscious, pre-programed level after years of brainwashing) and I would imagine that your body language and perhaps even tone of voice tells them to back off long before they get a chance to really know you.

 

I may be way off base here, but coming from fundy land myself, I know this was an issue for a lot of ladies.

[Kyle]

In my very unprofessional opinion, it sounds more like social anxiety in general. Maybe I'm wrong. But, do you have a social life in general? As stated earlier, stop concentrating on sex and dating. Try to ease into social situations where you can meet various people.

 

Good luck

[nicky32]

check out this dating site http://matchmakerdate.co.cc

[The-Captain]

Your virginity is nothing to be ashamed of. More than likely all you've been spared are some furtive, mutually unsatisfactory, hormonally charged hookups on a couch or backseat and a plethora of attendant risks.

 

Don't rush, and don't get desperate. You owe it to yourself to find a guy that'll treat you right, especially since it is your first time.

 

Meet someone you fancy and ask them out for coffee or tea. These days it isn't unusual for the woman to initiate, it may be scary to put yourself on the line but how else will you get anywhere. From there perhaps segue to something more intimate, symphony, opera, walks in the park etc.

[Raul]

I'd like to date, but now that I have some idea of how the real world works, I'm doubtful that any guy can even like me.

Why not? For example,what makes you think,that I wouldn't like you,if I met you?

[OpheliaGinger]

I myself am in my early twenties and still a virgin but am in no rush to "fix" that--I'd be content to go the rest of my life a virgin, thanks to SSRI's. You're only twenty-seven, so don't stress it. Like others have said, just get out there more, but you have to work on your own self-confidence so that you exude that sexiness that attracts a guy. Eating healthily (but you can still treat yourself to some really good chocolate or your favorite dessert) and getting some moderate exercise can do wonders for your hormone level and make you feel really good about yourself; when you feel good about yourself, you attract some good quality men.

[cesium]

I'd like to date, but now that I have some idea of how the real world works, I'm doubtful that any guy can even like me. I've never been asked out; now I know why. I don't give off sexual vibes.

 

How you described yourself could almost be a description of me. I am in my late 20's, still a virgin and have only been on one date in my life. That date was ten years ago, and I suspect that she only accepted because she felt sorry for me. I gave up trying to date about 5 years ago. Some of my female friends know that I have not dated in years (and that I am a virgin). They seem surprised by this and tell me that I should have an easy time getting dates. I must be missing something with this whole dating thing. Like you, I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that I don't really care about sex.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers.

[Vomit Comet]

incelsupport.org

 

The above is a link for an online support group for involuntary celibacy. There are several other ones too, but that one is the best one because it's proactive and optimistic, rather than being primarily whiny and defeatist.

 

No, it's not a fucking joke. Nor is it a logical contradiction. God only knows how many millions of people out there are in this situation, and almost every one of them probably thinks they're the only one on the entire planet.

 

Involuntary celibacy = unable to get into a sexual relationship on your own terms. Because yeah, as a woman you could "walk into any bar", and a man in this situation has the option of hookers. But, well....

 

Your terms are that you want sex in a committed relationship, and you're not even able to do the preliminary activities (dating, etc.) that lead to a committed relationship. Now, there's nothing wrong with your terms. They're perfectly fine, even admirable. (My own terms are as follows: if I were currently single I'd fuck some drunk chick I had just met. In the bathroom of the bar.) However, you should recall that like the rest of us here, you're dealing with a lot of holdover Christian baggage. If I were you, I'd spend a whole day in introspection: is it your Christian baggage, is it society (women aren't supposed to be "sluts"), or is it you? You need to answer that question first, if you haven't already.

 

Find out if it really is you. Make sure it isn't at all a matter of gender socialization and/or lingering Christian conditioning. If you realize it isn't fully "you", then reevaluate and figure out what you really want. Long story short: figure out what you want, and that it's really you who wants it.

 

From there, you'll be ready for the next steps.

 

First off, be very glad that you are not a man in this position, they have it much worse.

 

That's a myth. You don't know what you're talking about.

 

If I were to guess, there are twice as many men than women who are in this situation. So in that regard, women do have it easier. It's kinda like how there are more men than women in prison.

 

However. However. However, from what I've seen--and I've seen a whole lot more than you have, regarding involuntary celibacy (I consider myself an advocate)--the women who are in it have it just as rough as the men who are in it. Therefore, in this case, the "women's prison" is just as brutal as the "men's prison."

[TedGresham]

First off, be very glad that you are not a man in this position, they have it much worse. Second, realize that no real man will hold it against you if he knows that you are a virgin. And if you have been masterbating your first time will most likely not hurt.

 

Anyways, for a women your age the pickup game is pretty simple. Despite what magazines out there say there are really only 3 things a gal has to do if she wants to get in a relationship.

 

1. Do not be fat. I'm not saying you need to be a stick, just try to keep your BMI below 26 or so. The majority of men do not believe in BBW.

2. Go outside.

3. Be receptive. Talk back to the guys that talk to you, or else they will figure you are blowing them off and they will move on. Do not ever assume if a guy is asking you out just for sex unless he specifically starts talking about just sex. Smile.

 

To me it seems your problem lies with #2. You don't want a relationship just for sex, but you don't know where to hang out for that so you end up being afraid of the whole process and end up not going outside. I'd say just go to places you enjoy. The only places to avoid where most men will only be after you for a one night stand would be bars, night clubs, casinos, the beach, and Fitness gyms. Places were most single men would want a relationship would be Libraries, Arcades, Hobby clubs/groups ( think stuff like a Great outdoors group meetup ), conventions, and certain internet dating sites. There are always exceptions to this, but just keep it in mind.

 

First of all, Jedah, your #1 response is pathetic, sexist, and disgusting. Otherwise your advice is absurd and completely wrong.

 

Now, as I shake off the rush of temper I had from Jedah's remarks, let me continue by saying the American obsession with sex is one of its major curses. The amount of time a normal person spends having sex in a lifetime is far less than the time spent doing almost everything else. I say "normal" because there are those who obsess and abuse sexuality, use it for recreation, prey on others for it, etc., but in a good personal romantic relationship it should be merely an extension of the love a couple shares. It happens as often as the couple wishes and neither partner complains about the other being inadequate, "fat" (UGH!) inexperienced or whatever. The hype and hoopla over sexuality is a media-generated lie that Americans have bought into like Big Macs and video games.

 

Anybody who goes dating with sex uppermost in their mind is shallow and selfish and not worth the effort, to say the least. If you date with worries over sexuality because you just want to experience sex you are buying into the same shallow view of humanity the media has.

 

Be yourself. Be the best person you can be. Find a path that will lead you to care for others without the baggage of a religion that dictates your life. (I'm partial to Buddhism but that's just me) Then forget the whole idea of "dating." Relationships grow and flourish and even explode sometimes without warning and without plotting and without measuring stamina, penis size or investing in Viagra stock.

 

There is not, I do not believe, "a person for everyone" or "that special someone" or "a soul mate" just waiting to be discovered. Good relationships are rare jewels. Do not rush into anything because your emotions and your libido sends you down a rat hole. Be patient. Do not bow to peer pressure or media pressure to be someone you are not. To some sex is very nice. To some sex is an obsession. To some sex is a way to have power. And to some, more than you probably would believe, sex is a temporary distraction to a good relationship built upon friendship and trust.

 

I've been married for 32 years. Sexuality has been a part of our lives but nothing matters more to either of us than being best friends and companions through it all.

[Shyone]

Anybody who goes dating with sex uppermost in their mind is shallow and selfish and not worth the effort, to say the least. If you date with worries over sexuality because you just want to experience sex you are buying into the same shallow view of humanity the media has.

 

Be yourself. Be the best person you can be. Find a path that will lead you to care for others without the baggage of a religion that dictates your life. (I'm partial to Buddhism but that's just me) Then forget the whole idea of "dating." Relationships grow and flourish and even explode sometimes without warning and without plotting and without measuring stamina, penis size or investing in Viagra stock.

This almost reminds me of the Poem "Desiderata."

 

Very deep advice that "rings true."

 

Or course, if you're going to publish it, I'd remove the parts about penis size and Viagra, but that's just my opinion.

[Ramen666]

I am 21 and I have the same issue, but my problem is that I am a coward. I never have the courage and it sucks to talk to a girl.

 

I really really really really really want this to change so much.

[Vomit Comet]

I really really really really really want this to change so much.

 

Do it while you're young. As in NOW. Those who put it off until later--until they graduate, until they're making more money, until they develop more emotionally, or whatever the fuck--generally end up kicking themselves. The older you get the harder it gets to turn the ship around.

 

You in college? The time is definitely now.

 

Now, how much of this would you say is Christian baggage and how much of it... ain't?

[Franko47]

I am 21 and I have the same issue, but my problem is that I am a coward. I never have the courage and it sucks to talk to a girl.

 

I really really really really really want this to change so much.

 

 

 

I'm a little surprised to hear that, Ramen. You seem like a real interesting and intelligent guy. Your "fear" is an illusion. Chicks are shy and coy and all that, too. They usually like you more than they let on.

 

Talk to them like you would another guy. And don't act like it's "a big deal". Casual come-on's work best.

 

Bet you can't talk to five different girls without something cool developing. Betcha.

 

Report back to the Guild in four weeks.

[Ramen666]

I guess the factor for me is breaking the ice, sure I see hot girls EVERY single day (I mean the girl to guy ratio is awesome), and it is not like I am missing out on them, it is I fail at talking to "random" girls. If I get paired in a group I can talk to the hottest chick easy, but it is going up to a random chick and starting the conversation.

 

I honestly don't want to be a looser or feel like one. This is something I want and pretty much the girls around me have +1 over every other girl that didn't go to college, I don't want a stupid chick. This has been going on forever because I am just not got at it.

 

My other problem all the freakin are always taken. This is so annoying to me because I really want a relationship, really.

[Franko47]

I guess the factor for me is breaking the ice, sure I see hot girls EVERY single day (I mean the girl to guy ratio is awesome), and it is not like I am missing out on them, it is I fail at talking to "random" girls. If I get paired in a group I can talk to the hottest chick easy, but it is going up to a random chick and starting the conversation.

 

I honestly don't want to be a looser or feel like one. This is something I want and pretty much the girls around me have +1 over every other girl that didn't go to college, I don't want a stupid chick. This has been going on forever because I am just not got at it.

 

My other problem all the freakin are always taken. This is so annoying to me because I really want a relationship, really.

 

 

 

"Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink". Yeah, I remember for a while back in college it seemed like that.

 

If some of these girls are awkward at having a guy come up and start a conversation, or just casually say "hello", that is their problem. It doesn't make you a loser, and you shouldn't feel embarassed. I remember those feelings about it, too. But there are more outgoing babes who will surprise you if you keep at it.