dichotomy Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 Honestly, it's ridiculous how sick and nervous I'm feeling. I'm only going to my friend's baby's dedication service but I've been feeling agitated and sick and irritable all evening (been out for a friend's birthday meal) and I couldn't work out why I was acting/feeling like this, then it dawned on me that I'm going to a church service tomorrow. I actually go to this church building pretty regularly for a toddler group and I know some of the mums there and the service won't be too full on, but still, I hate it. I hate the 'worship time', and the preaching, and the atmosphere and having to smile and look like I'm enjoying myself. I hate the fact they all know my husband is an atheist and that they'll all be wondering just how far I've backsliden. I *want* to go because this couple are good friend's of ours, in fact they're one of only a few people who still love and treat us the same despite our heathenness, and we are still involved in each other's lives. So I am happy for them and want to be a part of it. So why the hell do I feel like this? Why can't I just be an adult and accept that I'm going to a dedication service to celebrate my friend's baby and enjoy the chat and the cake afterwards? Why do I end up feeling like it's this *big* ordeal? Anyway, just wanted to speak my head fucked fear out at someone and you guys are the only ones who *get* it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
★ Citsonga ★ Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 Yeah, on the rare occasion that I have to go to church, I dread it too. It's hard to think positively about it when you know that it's all just a hollow myth. I guess just think about your friends and make the most of it. The dedication only happens once, so it's not like you'll have to go back next week. It'll be a little bit of wasted time on one day, but oh well. Good luck.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 Could it be that there are some left over things that you have to say to those that represent your previous way of life, but there has not been an outlet for it? I get residual feelings on the rare occasion that I have to attend a religious service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted February 14, 2010 Author Share Posted February 14, 2010 Could it be that there are some left over things that you have to say to those that represent your previous way of life, but there has not been an outlet for it? I think most probably oddbird, this is my problem. The thing is, I used to feel like this before going to church even when I was a Christian, I'd dread it, get shaky, feel sick, I didn't have panic attacks but I suspect had I let myself follow my fear through I would have. So for me, the way to stop this happening was to stop going. My loss of faith came a good few years after actually leaving church. So I struggle t return even for a simple service. Anyway, enough of my pathetic screwed up silliness. I am going and I shall just try and focus on my friends and their children and my children and I'll be fine I'm sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vomit Comet Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 Well, I've been to church four times since my deconversion. One time was a wedding in Italy (Catholic of course), two times were funerals in California at Catholic churches, and then there was the time I had to return to my old Ass of God church (also in California), knowing there would be upwards of 200 people there who knew me and had been wondering what the fuck had happened to me. Astonished murmurs of "OMG it's [Vomit Comet]" rushed through the room when I was visually identified. I just kind of faded out when I moved to Las Vegas and didn't really take root in any church here, so I'd already made a clean break from my church community by the time I deconverted. But I was worried sick that I was walking into a shit-storm. Fortunately, the only thing that happened was that the college pastor (who was my best friend) asked me where I was going to church. I told a white lie and said "eh, I'm in between churches." Well, I don't think his wife (a nasty piece of work) bought it, and I could tell they were prying. Oh well. But yeah, that was nerve-wracking as hell. I definitely understand. It'd be one thing if I were visiting an Ass of God church where nobody knew me. But this funeral was a veritable Who's Who of "Vomit Comet, This is Your (Former Fundie) Life." It was goddamn nerve-wracking, that's for goddamn sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted February 14, 2010 Author Share Posted February 14, 2010 Well I'm back and I survived. It wasn't anything like as bad as my last (rather traumatic) visit to a church, but like I said these people are friends and quite a few other people there know me but are sensible enough not to ask me any 'prying' or 'difficult' questions. I enjoyed the cake. Had a bit of a cry at one point because of all the emotions but no one noticed and if they had they'd probably assume it was the HS or something which is fine. So yeah, I feel relieved that I won't be doing that again any time soon. Oh and actually the music was quite good, I'd forgotten how skilled their bass player is so that was a good distraction. Thanks for responding ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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