Or'el Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 I got a phone call the other night from my father... and suddenly I couldn't breathe. He was begging for me not to cut him out of my life. I got off the phone that night and cried myself to sleep, and woke up crying the next morning. When I got to work that morning, everyone thought someone had died. I have been just one big mess since then. My father is a fundie, and has been all of my life. He is one of the people that is written about in my story, in the "Testimonies of Former Christians" forum. So many things that he has said and done (in the name of God) have caused enormous amounts of pain, and even the destruction of our family. Even though we have tried to get him to stop... Even though we have tried to get him to wake up and see what he was doing... For over a decade, there has been no positive response. We have pleaded, cried and begged... But to no avail. And now HE is the one begging. This tears at my heart. No, no... It blows an emotional hole right in the middle of my chest, as if I've been shot with a hollow-point bullet. Has he finally woken up, after all these years? Or is he just in that stage that is half-way between, ready to just fall right back to sleep any second? (...Just like an alcoholic going back to the bottle.) What if I do allow him to come closer to me again? ...Even a little at a time? What would happen? Would he accept me and treat me like a dad should treat his daughter? Or would I just become a missions project to him again? ...Someone who desperately needs to be "saved" by his endless theological tirades? The whole situation gives me a headache, and makes it hard for me to even keep my eyes open. The lights seem to bright and noise seems too loud. It makes me feel like going to hide in the middle of the afternoon. It makes me want to cover my head with a pillow and wish the entire universe into non-existence. If it were only that easy... Can I just go back to bed now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunaticheathen Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 From what I have read about your father, I wouldn't trust him with a rubber spoon. Seriously, keep the bastard at arm's length, if you have anything to do with him at all. At least take your time, especially considering the pain initial contact with him has caused you. I wouldn't blame you for cutting him out of your life, forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dagnarus Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 I just read your testimony. If you want to let your father back into your life, ultimately that is your decision. But, from reading your testimony, you don't owe him shit. Which is my advice, you should only allow him back if that is what you want. If he starts fucking up your life again, well, fuck him, you don't owe him anything. Personally I would definitely be suspicious. It seems like he has been manipulating you to do what he wants your entire life, so it wouldn't be shocking if he is attempting to do this now. If you decide you want have a relationship with him, be certain to do it in a limited matter, and you probably shouldn't be surprised if it is some ploy to get you back into the light, or whatever he wants. You should also take into account whether or not your in a place in your life right now where your mentally strong enough to deal with any of the potential storm dealing with your father could whip up. If you don't think your up to it you should just continue to avoid him. After all you've already spent most of your life sacrificing your own best interests for him, you don't owe him anymore now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agnosticator Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 Hi Or'el, My ex went through the same experience as you describe. She was in and out of the relationship and rode the emotional rollercoaster so many times, my head felt like it was going to explode! You are caught in a web of guilt from your upbringing, that will not let you go until you see it for what it is-manipulation. It's time to think, and put aside how you feel. If it was happening to a friend, what would you suggest he/she do(i.e.,look at the situation objectively)? It is not your fault that you feel compelled to give in. But you have to be responsible for your own well being, and your father needs to be responsible for what he has done to you. If he truly loves you, he will be willing to let you go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElrondHubbard Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 I can understand why you're torn, and why you'd want to hope that something in your dad has changed. I read your testimony, and it broke my heart. You obviously have a really traumatic past with your father, and I would seek counseling before doing anything else, if I were you. And tell him about it - tell him that if he has changed, you're open to having him in your life, but first you need to get some things straightened out. You will know a lot just by his reaction to a statement like that. I experienced some of the dysfunction that you did (not in nearly as extreme circumstances, but we're both survivors of emotional abuse) and seeing a therapist has helped me more than I can say. If your father really does want to become part of your life in a positive way, he could begin by attending a therapy session with you, once you've established yourself with someone you trust. If he would agree to that - a neutral situation where, with a moderator, you could at least begin to tell him about where you are and what part he's played in that - he would really be demonstrating a willingness to change. He's dictated enough of your life, and that's how it's going to be until he's genuinely open to your perspective; I think you have to ascertain that first, however you choose to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel790 Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 Hi I just read your story and there are some similarities to my own story (it's under "the life of a pastor's daughter). I wish I could meet you personally. You have been through such a lot and I am sorry your life has been so difficult. I have a similar situation with my parents. They threw me and my kids out their house a month ago because I wouldn't agree with their stupid religious views and we haven't spoken since. I wish you happiness in your future and hope you can find a therapist to help you through this shit. Fundamentalism should be banned. Are you in the States? I live in the Uk. Are you on facebook? Take care hun :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurie Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 [quote name='Or'el' date='19 February 2010 - 07:09 PM' timestamp='1266624540' post='534182') The whole situation gives me a headache, and makes it hard for me to even keep my eyes open. The lights seem to bright and noise seems too loud. It makes me feel like going to hide in the middle of the afternoon. It makes me want to cover my head with a pillow and wish the entire universe into non-existence. Or'el I spent two years of my life in this broken state, and my heart breaks for you. If you truly want to rid yourself of this, you need to talk to a qualified professional that you can trust, probably female because of your experiences. I had some problems with my father, i found writing a letter to him extremely helpful. I never gave it to him, but the writing process allowed me to order my thoughts and work through the emotions as they came without him there to judge me. My father and i have reconnected and are closer than ever, but it was his true desire to patch the rent in our relationship. If you are uncertain about your father, please wait do not jump in too fast. Above all remember that you are a beautiful, strong person that deserves the best, Love Yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurie Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 [quote name='Or'el' date='19 February 2010 - 07:09 PM' timestamp='1266624540' post='534182') The whole situation gives me a headache, and makes it hard for me to even keep my eyes open. The lights seem to bright and noise seems too loud. It makes me feel like going to hide in the middle of the afternoon. It makes me want to cover my head with a pillow and wish the entire universe into non-existence. Or'el I spent two years of my life in this broken state, and my heart breaks for you. If you truly want to rid yourself of this, you need to talk to a qualified professional that you can trust, probably female because of your experiences. I had some problems with my father, i found writing a letter to him extremely helpful. I never gave it to him, but the writing process allowed me to order my thoughts and work through the emotions as they came without him there to judge me. My father and i have reconnected and are closer than ever, but it was his true desire to patch the rent in our relationship. If you are uncertain about your father, please wait do not jump in too fast. Above all remember that you are a beautiful, strong person that deserves the best, Love Yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurie Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 [quote name='Or'el' date='19 February 2010 - 07:09 PM' timestamp='1266624540' post='534182') The whole situation gives me a headache, and makes it hard for me to even keep my eyes open. The lights seem to bright and noise seems too loud. It makes me feel like going to hide in the middle of the afternoon. It makes me want to cover my head with a pillow and wish the entire universe into non-existence. Oourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurie Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 [quote name='Or'el' date='19 February 2010 - 07:09 PM' timestamp='1266624540' post='534182') The whole situation gives me a headache, and makes it hard for me to even keep my eyes open. The lights seem to bright and noise seems too loud. It makes me feel like going to hide in the middle of the afternoon. It makes me want to cover my head with a pillow and wish the entire universe into non-existence. Oourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurie Posted February 20, 2010 Share Posted February 20, 2010 Or'el I spent two years of my life in this broken state, and my heart breaks for you. If you truly want to rid yourself of this, you need to talk to a qualified professional that you can trust, probably female because of your experiences. I had some problems with my father, i found writing a letter to him extremely helpful. I never gave it to him, but the writing process allowed me to order my thoughts and work through the emotions as they came without him there to judge me. My father and i have reconnected and are closer than ever, but it was his true desire to patch the rent in our relationship. If you are uncertain about your father, please wait do not jump in too fast. Above all remember that you are a beautiful, strong person that deserves the best, Love Yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Or'el Posted February 20, 2010 Author Share Posted February 20, 2010 First of all, thank you all for your replies. It is wonderful to be able to get other people's perspectives on such a daunting situation. I finished editing a very lengthy letter to my father last night, where I was painfully honest about where I am... his role in me getting here... and what I need in order to have a healthy relationship with him - some of those things being time, space, and the right to make my own decisions. My husband has proofed it, and thinks it is pretty good. I am going to run it by my therapist before I send it. Hopefully, it will do some good. As far as taking him to counseling... Well, my mother tried that before she divorced him. The counselor/pastor tried to talk to him, to help him see what he was doing, etc. But the counselor eventually refused to see him anymore, because Dad refused to do his homework. It was simple... Dad is right... because he is the one who has heard the voice of God. During our conversation the other night, I did tell Dad that I am seeing a therapist. His first and only concern was that she is not a Christian therapist. He actually asked me to "put these things before the Lord and a Pastoral Counselor." Because of this reaction, I do not feel comfortable taking him to my counselor at this point in time. I will get this letter to him as soon as possible, and I guess we'll just have to wait for his response. (Sometimes I'm not very good at waiting.) Again, thanks so much for all of your input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunaticheathen Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 UGH, yeah, sorry Or'el, but your dad sounds like a lost cause. If his first concern was that the counselor was christian and not that she would be helpful to you, that certainly shows where his priorities are for you. Controlling you, not your best interests. From your stories, and his reaction to you living your own life, he definitely sounds like a "I must be right, always, no matter what ANYONE says, EVER" kind of dickhead. Of course, it's your life, but I'd leave him out of my life. A response to your letter would be what one should wait for, I suppose. I suspect, sadly, that it will just be more sanctimonious pigshit from his inflated head about how lost you are, and how in need of guidance from his godly man-self you are. I hope for your sake not....but I'm not holding my breath for him to change soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShackledNoMore Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 I just read your eximony, Or'el, and it was heartwrenching. Please bear in mind that although his current strategy or tactics may have changed, his "leopard's spots" have not. Beware that he will try to manipulate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Or'el Posted March 3, 2010 Author Share Posted March 3, 2010 Just to let everyone know... My dad got the letter, and even called me on my birthday. He did tell me that it was a very touching letter, and it was stuff that he needed to hear, but that he didn't want to talk about it. I guess I wasn't quite expecting that kind of response. Still processing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shyone Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Just to let everyone know... My dad got the letter, and even called me on my birthday. He did tell me that it was a very touching letter, and it was stuff that he needed to hear, but that he didn't want to talk about it. I guess I wasn't quite expecting that kind of response. Still processing... Maybe the best kind of response. In time, he will either accept it, or will make an effort to change your mind. Possibly, although doubtfully, he may have been entertaining doubts himself, and he wishes to keep them to himself. I wouldn't press him on that. It is also possible that this single issue is just not something he will be able to handle, but if he loves you (and what little you wrote of his response suggests he does very much), he will hope and work for an otherwise normal relationship. I hope for the best for you and your father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hungrydingo Posted March 4, 2010 Share Posted March 4, 2010 Personally I think he blew it big time. I would tell him tough luck and never speak to him again. I read your testimony, I must say he's truly an awful human being. Sorry to be blunt but that's my conclusion based on what I've read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurari Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 Or'el, I read your testimony and it broke my heart. Clearly you still love your father dearly. And it's clear he loves you very much too. But he's a very, very weak person. You lost out on something critical and precious, having REAL parents that would love and support you. A lot of us have felt that and we understand what a horrible and irreplaceable loss this is. We're never going to get to be children again. We're not getting any do-overs. And our parents are always just going to be frail people who never got the hang of life themselves, and therefore, could not pass it to us. Your dad can't handle being a dad. He can't handle being in a relationship with you. He can't handle his own life. He can't stand up and live without hiding behind a fantasy being and a philosophy that does not work and causes pain and suffering to every one around him. I think he, like you, has a LOT of work to do before either of you get into a place where you can handle being in a relationship with each other. Love isn't enough. Love is unconditional, but life isn't. If you do choose to keep in contact with him, I would restrict it to writing only for now and just watch what happens. He's probably going to waffle and try to reassert himself as the Godly Man he sucks his power from. And you're going to have to assert yourself and tell him that you're not going to tolerate that or his views. I'm sorry for your pain. I know it hurts. But please know that healing IS possible. Becoming strong is possible. Letting go and living with your bad memories as just memories without the pain associated with them IS possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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