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Goodbye Jesus

Am I Being Over-Sensitive/paranoid?


Objet_trouve24

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(She better not be, but if my mom is reading this, I thought we talked about snooping before. It's disrespectful and mean, and only pushes me away/makes me want to hide and change all my information. I don't go looking for what you say about me, don't do it to me. If you want to know what's going on in my life, I've offered to meet with you, and that offer stands. It will not stand if I find out you're snooping again.)

 

So I was talking to my mom on facebook, and I said I was sick. I listed my symptoms, and another friend jumped in and said "I don't mean to scare you, but those were the same as my symptoms when I was pregnant", to which my mom replied "Oh dear" and then commented on everything else I said except my symptoms.

 

Ok, so here's the thing: I stopped taking my birth control pills. We are trying to get pregnant. My friend doesn't know (she's my friend's mom. My friend doesn't even know), nor does my mom. The only people who know are my doctors (medical and psychiatric), about four of our close friends (haven't even told some close friends yet, want to wait until we're more sure, as a surprise), and people I don't actually know IRL (particularly a few people on the mothering.com forums).

 

I started taking prenatal vitamins in January. We've lived together for over a year, been together about two years, and married in December. He's still in school, but almost done. If I'm pregnant right now, he'll have finished school and got a job before the kid would be born. I didn't list all of these symptoms on FB (like heartburn and period, felt I'd be giving too much away with those), but here's my current list: nausea, dizziness, sore breasts, headaches, fatigue (slept 9 hours yesterday, woke up for three or four, then slept another 8 hours), bizarre emotions, heartburn, cravings (I even managed to crave something that made me nauseous) and my period is now two days late.

 

So here's where I'm thinking I might be paranoid.

 

When I left christianity, I initially didn't think I wanted kids. My mom had 8, so I felt I'd had enough of that experience. I've never said otherwise, in fact, I've only told them about my pregnancy scares, not the time when my ex and I were trying to figure out how to get pregnant (I was with a woman. We were considering using her brother or our room mate as a donor. Didn't tell my parents because I was afraid of what they'd say).

 

I also told them that I was considering an abortion before I miscarried when I was in a really bad relationship. If memory serves me correctly, my father is for the death penalty/life in prison for anyone who gets an abortion (and drug trafficking. I'm glad I didn't tell him about when I did that!).

 

My parents also know that I am now rabidly liberal. They know that if they witness to my kid before he/she is an adult, and can feel more comfortable disagreeing, they'll never see us again.

 

Sooo...."Oh dear" could mean several things.

 

1) Oh dear, I hope she's not if she doesn't want it.

 

2) Oh dear, I don't think they're ready for this, seeing as how they're newly married, Scott's still in school, and she's still got medical issues to resolve. (seems unlikely. My sister dated her husband for three months before they married, and got pregnant shortly after, and he was in basic training for the entire pregnancy. And she doesn't know yet, but my doctor cleared me for pregnancy so long as I quit smoking, which I did so far successfully three weeks ago)

 

3) Oh dear, non-christians are going to have a kid and abuse it by not letting me tell it that it's going to hell. (quite possible, as my parents have been mourning since I left christianity. This is the possibility I've been obsessing about and getting most upset about. This was one of the big things we discussed when we discussed getting pregnant)

 

4) Oh dear, I'd love another grandchild, especially one that lives in the country (my sister's family moved to Korea), but I don't want to sound excited if she doesn't want this, and since we don't even know if she is, I'll say "oh dear".

 

I know none of you know my mom, my situation, or me IRL, so I'm not really expecting anyone to tell me what "oh dear" means (hell, but if you do have a guess, I'd love to hear it), but I needed to get this off my chest, and perhaps someone has advice/encouragement for me?

 

My biggest problem is feeling like my parents will never want me to have a child, simply because of my religion and beliefs. My child will be raised knowing that gay is as normal and healthy as straight, and that religion is something one should never feel pressured into, and should be a personal decision based on logic. I want to teach my kids that they should only pick a religion that inspires love, peace, equality and a desire for learning (no anti-science religions, like many christian denominations). This is not good in my parent's eyes, so I'm wondering if they don't think I should reproduce until I re-convert (which is not in the slightest likely). My sister is christian, and they seem more than supportive of her, but it could be because the military paid her husband while he was still training, or it could be because she was pregnant before my parents found out...or whatever. I don't know what to think.

 

:scratch: I'm stumped. Anyone?

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When dealing with passive aggressive people, it's best to be honest and let the chips fall where they may. The only way to win is to not play the game.

 

I am curious as to why you are keeping a possible baby on the down low....is it to avoid the drama you are afraid of?

 

Fundie parents are like children, and you need to be the adult here. If she throws a tantrum, she gets timeout. You need to set the boundaries of your relationship. You can't control them...if they're gonna blow so be it...best to have been honest the whole time so they can't use that against you. If they freak out about you having a nonchristian baby, just tell them they can either respect your beliefs and get to know their grandchildren, or they can be lonely. There is no middle ground. Draw a line and don't let them cross. It's possible they will see that their fear is bringing them sadness, and they may come around if you offer a path to them now and then.

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Just let it go. It's your life and your decision. Let them think as they may.

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I'd simply ask what "Oh dear" means. Send her a PM on Facebook and ask. Sure it sounds a bit Seinfeld, but if it's something important to you, bring it out into the open. It would be better to hear it straight from the horses mouth than to speculate and never be certain. And if things start getting nasty, well deal with that when you cross that bridge. But I would prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. Good luck! And if you're preggo, congrats!

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Don't borrow trouble. Considering she doesn't know that you're trying to get pregnant and you have only mentioned pregnancy before in the context of "scares" or when you were thinking about an abortion, she may just be hoping for your peace of mind that you're not going to end up pregnant unexpectedly.

 

I'd try not to worry about it, unless something else comes up. YMMV.

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Oh, and congrats on stopping smoking, and if you're pregnant, congrats on that as well!

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I am curious as to why you are keeping a possible baby on the down low....is it to avoid the drama you are afraid of?

 

I've been thinking about that a lot. Part of me just doesn't want drama, but I think there's more to it. I worry about whether or not I can trust her advice, I'm still not sure how much I should listen to what she has to say, which sucks because my mom is extremely smart, and I'd really love to be asking for her opinions about pregnancy stuff. My family has a tendency to be really passive aggressive, I tend to be on guard after interacting with them. Part of me really doesn't want another reminder that my parents disapprove of my life and choices.

 

The other thought that's been rattling around in my head is that it seems that while fundies tend to be pro-abstinence and judgmental of people who have sex before marriage, they also tend to have better reactions if you already are pregnant. I don't know how to explain this, so...here's an article. It's interesting anyway and explains my point pretty well: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/11/03/081103fa_fact_talbot?currentPage=all I just can't get this idea out of my head that if I wait until I'm pregnant, she'll decide "oh well, can't do anything about it, so I'll be really really supportive!" Like she'd respond better if I'm already pregnant than if I told her we're trying.

 

I'm also not really the type to get giddy about this stuff. Like I said, I haven't even told some of my closest friends. I'm not really a private person, I just don't get super excited about it all (never felt like I was allowed to).

 

My family also aren't the kind of people who make a big deal out of big events, like weddings and pregnancy. My grandparents and uncle for example left my wedding right as we were heading over to do pictures (their dog needed medication...I know the dog is diabetic, but they knew the wedding date many months in advance, and they couldn't/wouldn't find a dogsitter??). I pretended not to be, but I was really upset about it. We had pictures done with his aunts and uncles, and the one uncle of mine who came left before we could snap a picture. We had a picture with his grandparents, and mine were left out. I kind of have this bitter "it's not like it will matter much to them anyway" attitude now. I had a dream the other night where I told my youngest sisters before anyone, and just let them leak it to my family, probably because the kids would treat it important, where I'm not sure my parents would. My family doesn't seem to be all that interested in my life. Maybe that's also part of the reason.

 

I'm so confused. Sometimes I wish they'd do something that just goes too far, so I can just disappear from them. It would be really sad, but at least I wouldn't have to sit here obsessing about two freaking words my mom said on facebook.

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Unrealistically optimistic answer: "Oh, dear! Less than 9 months to buy a bunch of stuff for my new grandbaby! Hmm...pink, blue, green, or yellow? Oh, dear!"

 

My MIL always wanted us to have more kids (I have 2 daughters). That is, until she found out we no longer were believers. She said something to the effect of, "When are you two going to have more kids? Oh wait, never mind, you better not have any more."

 

I hope everything goes smoothly for you! Congrats are due if you are pregnant, and keep up the non-smoking!

 

Respectfully,

Franciscan Monkey

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Alright, so, the second test came back negative, but my period is now about three days late.

 

I responded to what my mom wrote on facbook. I said I had taken two tests, and both were negative. Then I asked "What was the oh dear comment about?" Perhaps she meant it in regards to something else I wrote. I'll give her that chance, if that's what she really meant.

 

We'll see what happens when she writes back.

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Unrealistically optimistic answer: "Oh, dear! Less than 9 months to buy a bunch of stuff for my new grandbaby! Hmm...pink, blue, green, or yellow? Oh, dear!"

 

My MIL always wanted us to have more kids (I have 2 daughters). That is, until she found out we no longer were believers. She said something to the effect of, "When are you two going to have more kids? Oh wait, never mind, you better not have any more."

 

I hope everything goes smoothly for you! Congrats are due if you are pregnant, and keep up the non-smoking!

 

Respectfully,

Franciscan Monkey

 

That's insane! :twitch: I'm glad my mom knows better than that... I can't say I wouldn't slap her in the face for something like that.

 

Thank you for the well wishes. Nice to know someone else out there has had to deal with this issue, and that I'm not going crazy.

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I don't know that "Oh dear" might have meant, but all I can say is that no matter her concerns now, if you are pregnant then none of that will matter when the baby is born. My mother and I have lots of water under the bridge and she didn't even seem happy when I got pregnant. I was a homeless drug addict at one time and she disowned me. I later got clean, got married and moved on with my life but she still pushed me away. Once she saw my son when he was born, all of that other stuff went away. We still have our moments, but I think for the first time in her life she was proud of me for being a good mommy and taking care of myself when I was pregnant. Every year that my son gets older, she is so proud. My step dad even calls me his daughter now. I think neither one of us wants to burn a bridge for my sons sake and that's why all the other stuff gets pushed to the side. I hope this helps :) I am not saying everything will be perfect, but I know your mom will love that baby and that will hopefully be enough in her mind to maybe keep her thoughts to herself so she can see her grand kid grow up. Otherwise- congrats if you are indeed pregnant! FYI my son is turning three soon.

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