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Goodbye Jesus

Three Generations Of Indoctronisation


OnceConvinced

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I was a third generation Christian, brought up in a Christian home and for more than 30 years diligently served and followed Jesus Christ. I guess you could say I was well and truly indoctrinated from an early age. I grew up accepting without a doubt what was taught to me by my parents and Sunday school teachers. There were no other options given. I took everything at face value and didn’t question. I made an official decision for Christ at the age of seven, but rededicated my life as a teenager. I was baptised at 16. I believed I had a "relationship" with God.

 

My fondest childhood memories involved church camps and activities, going to youth group, etc. I had some great experiences and had no real bad ones apart from a couple when I was a small kid. I was never hurt by anyone in the many different denominations I was part of. I always felt valued and accepted.

 

As I grew up I believed I experienced touches from God and had come to know his voice. I thought there were times when he was speaking to me and guiding me. I came to believe that during my prayer times that I was having a “good old yack with the lord”. When people fell away from the faith, I stood strong in mine and thoroughly believed those who had fallen were never true Christians to begin with. I was comfortable being a Christian, I liked being a Christian and in no way wanted to get out of it.

 

When I got into kids ministries (from the early age of 16) I truly believed it was where God was leading me at that point. For several years, I went to camps as a leader and I even taught Sunday School. Since then, I have lead adult cell groups and been given major roles in Christian stage shows. Not once did anyone accuse me of not being a "true Christian", which you'd think many would have if the Holy Spirit really did dwell within Christians and gave them discernment. I don't say these things to blow my own trumpet but to show that I was a trusted and valued member of every church I went to. You'd think that if I wasn't a "true Christian", the church leaders would have discerned thought the holy spirit, that I was only a pretender and would never have trusted me with such responsibility. Wouldn't you?

 

As I grew older and more independent, I started to learn to think for myself and realised that I did not have to believe everything a pastor, my parents, or church leaders said. I could examine things for myself. Over the years I began to see that:

• Prophecies being made by evangelists and church leaders were not coming true

• Miracles were not taking place in my town even though I was hearing amazing stories of things happening in remote out of the way places overseas.

• There was a lack of unity within Christianity. If the Holy Spirit is involved, why are there so many denominations? Why can no two Christians agree on anything? Why does one person preach one thing and insist his understanding is thanks to the Holy Spirit while someone else contradicts it, but claims the same thing?

• The bible could be used to argue any point you want, because you can always find some scripture to back up your belief, thus why there is so many denominations and cults.

• God had not done anything of any particular note in my life for around ten years. (I realised my faith was all based on a few things from way back, which I can now see were not miracles but inevitable outcomes)

• Certain biblical advice was bad advice and did not work in reality, eg blessing your enemies.

• Certain biblical contradictions, absurdities and inaccuracies could not be justified without a lot of silly mental gymnastics, reinterpreting, retranslating and lots of ridiculous excuses.

• Bible prophecies were not eventuating even though people were insisting the end was near. (even more disturbing was the Paul in the bible believed the end was eminent)

• Much of the bible was clearly ancient man's ignorance and prejudice, certainly not God's wisdom.

• Vital Bible promises were empty, eg. see next...

• Demons were not fleeing in the name of Jesus as the bible promises they will (have they developed an immunity to that name over the centuries?)

• Christians so much wanted to believe in miracles and God that they saw every silly little thing as a miracle, an answer to prayer, God leading them etc etc.

• Prayer had no obvious affect on anything. Mind over matter and positive thinking were more effective.

• If you took off you rose-coloured Christian glasses, you found that the God of the bible was actually a pretty nasty, malevolent being.

• A life in Christ did not make me happy. Strong, healthy, real (not imaginary) relationships did.

• I did not see a lot of peace and joy in my Christian brethren like the bible promises there will be.

• Jesus clearly suffered from paranoid delusions (eg believing that whoever was not for him was against him).

 

One day the horrible truth dawned on me. I just didn't believe it anymore. There was no choice in the matter, it wasn't a wilful act of rebellion, just an inescapable realisation. It was something I was in denial of for a long time. I wanted to continue to have faith. I begged God for more faith. For a fresh touch from him. For something to hold on to. I shed a lot of tears and went through a lot of anguish. I knocked and the door was not answered. I sought, but did not find. I got nothing. Not even a phone call from a Christian to say "God has you on my heart", nobody. I thought why? The answer was obvious... everyone believed I was a strong Christian, with strong faith and that I would stand staunch as I always had through past trials. They believed I was one of the "True Christians". The reality was obvious - there was no God there to let them know that their Christian brother was in trouble. Even now most of my Christian friends and family don't know I am no longer a Christian. Why have they not discerned this through the Holy Spirit?

 

I eventually moved through the denial. I moved through the guilt, I moved onto the grieving stage (the longest stage for me) and focused a lot on what I had lost. I came to realise that my reliance on Jesus was an addiction. Breaking the addiction was a long painful process, a process that many people just can't get through, so they regress back to Christianity, just as an alcoholic returns to alcohol or a drug addict returns to drugs. But I stuck with it because I was unable to fool myself to believe again, even though I really wanted to. Oh how I really wanted to believe again!

 

I then moved onto the anger phase, the one Christians like to putdown ex-Christians over, because they don't understand how recovering from religious indoctrination works. I wanted someone to blame for all the years I had wasted trying to serve a non-existent God. I wanted to blame someone for all the things I missed out on because I was so busy doing "God's will". Fortunately this stage didn't last that long for me.

 

Finally came acceptance. Which is what has led me to rewrite my testimony to post here. Now I am finally at peace with it (there is no more torment, guilt or feelings of great loss). I can quite comfortably put Christianity in the "nonsense" basket along with all the other religions I always scoffed at. I still miss aspects of it, but I know now that I am free from it and can really start to enjoy my life.

 

I can now:

• Create my own purposes in life

• Accept others for who they are. I no longer condemn atheists, witches, gays and other minority groups.

• Accept hardships and trials for what they are - a consequence of evolution.

• Accept myself for who I am. I no longer have to beat myself up over human nature.

• Be moral because it's important to me, not to earn Brownie points from God. (and yes my morals are still intact, despite supposedly being manipulated by the devil as many Christians would like to believe)

• Be free of religious rituals like attending church, prayer, communion, quiet times, bible study etc.

• Live life to its fullest not having to worry about pleasing an imaginary, wrathful, vengeful, sadistic, genicidal, misogynist God.

 

It took me about 5 years to get through the tunnel from my initial realisation of disbelief to where I am now. That may seem like a long time for many Ex-Christians and it probably is, but if I can make it, then so can you. If you are newly out of the Christian delusion, I just want to encourage you to hang in there and don't be tempted to regress back into it. It's worth it when you come out the other end.

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Thanks for posting that. It was powerful and honest, and gave me some hope.

 

One day the horrible truth dawned on me. I just didn't believe it anymore. There was no choice in the matter, it wasn't a wilful act of rebellion, just an inescapable realisation. It was something I was in denial of for a long time. I wanted to continue to have faith. I begged God for more faith. For a fresh touch from him. For something to hold on to. I shed a lot of tears and went through a lot of anguish. I knocked and the door was not answered. I sought, but did not find. I got nothing. Not even a phone call from a Christian to say "God has you on my heart", nobody. I thought why? The answer was obvious... everyone believed I was a strong Christian, with strong faith and that I would stand staunch as I always had through past trials. They believed I was one of the "True Christians". The reality was obvious - there was no God there to let them know that their Christian brother was in trouble. Even now most of my Christian friends and family don't know I am no longer a Christian. Why have they not discerned this through the Holy Spirit?

 

That part really got me. It's exactly what I went through, and where I'm at. Only one of my friends ever bothered to try and talk to me when I was obviously acting different. But no phone calls, no miraculous messages from God to anyone else to reach out to me.

 

I can make it, then so can you. If you are newly out of the Christian delusion, I just want to encourage you to hang in there and don't be tempted to regress back into it. It's worth it when you come out the other end.

 

Thanks for that. I'm about two years in, I guess, from when things really fell apart. It's good to hear that someone with a story so similar to mine turned out OK.

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Thanks for your comments. It's great to know there are other people out there who have had similar experiences.

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Posts like these are vital for others who come here wondering what we are about and if they should leave the church. Like Loren has said, we never know about them unless they post something, but many more spend time reading and taking in the information. Thanks!

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This was very encouraging and validating to read! I came from the same boat as you. I was raised and indoctrinated from birth and, since I was home schooled, everyone I knew was a Christian. I was the "good Christian girl" and I honestly believed what I was told. I started thinking for myself and left the church about 10 months ago. I had a lot of guilt too, but mostly anger at being lied to my whole life. It is so nice to hear from other people who went through and are going through what I did!

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I can totally identify with what your wrote in your 'testimony' ... it's been a long painful process for me too and am also from a long line of christians. I also 'served' in a mission organization for several years , married , and had sons who were also brought up as I was and taught -all with their best interest in mind, at the time... my husband isn't in the same place as I am and is still getting over the shock of my 'eye opening' as far as faith is concerned. I would say I havn't totally written a 'god' off .. i still see so much design in the world that I can't help but believe there is a higher intelligence behind it but not the god of the bible - something beyond my understanding at this point. i'm in the anger/grieving stage right now. I still feel very much like a closet christian ... I've talked to my sons the most about lmy doubt and disbelief and I guess it started with them as they reached their teens and started asking serious probing questions which i brushed off with pat answers at first, but then began to honestly question. I've been reading tons of historical books on the origins of the bible, christianity etc ... all in hopes of finding that it really was true but in actual fact finding the opposite ... now I feel like such a fool for believing all that for all these years. I also relate towhat you said about christians not coming after you to 'bring you back' ... no one seems to have discerned my parting - though I havn't been that outspoken about it either. I have a great thirst for knowledge - real knowledge and am enjoying the freedom of critical thinking but also find it a bit lonely at times .. esp as I'm yet to find many around me who have also come to this place in life - I am grateful for sites like this that offer support.

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I can totally identify with what your wrote in your 'testimony' ... it's been a long painful process for me too and am also from a long line of christians. I also 'served' in a mission organization for several years , married , and had sons who were also brought up as I was and taught -all with their best interest in mind, at the time... my husband isn't in the same place as I am and is still getting over the shock of my 'eye opening' as far as faith is concerned. I would say I havn't totally written a 'god' off .. i still see so much design in the world that I can't help but believe there is a higher intelligence behind it but not the god of the bible - something beyond my understanding at this point. i'm in the anger/grieving stage right now. I still feel very much like a closet christian ... I've talked to my sons the most about lmy doubt and disbelief and I guess it started with them as they reached their teens and started asking serious probing questions which i brushed off with pat answers at first, but then began to honestly question. I've been reading tons of historical books on the origins of the bible, christianity etc ... all in hopes of finding that it really was true but in actual fact finding the opposite ... now I feel like such a fool for believing all that for all these years. I also relate towhat you said about christians not coming after you to 'bring you back' ... no one seems to have discerned my parting - though I havn't been that outspoken about it either. I have a great thirst for knowledge - real knowledge and am enjoying the freedom of critical thinking but also find it a bit lonely at times .. esp as I'm yet to find many around me who have also come to this place in life - I am grateful for sites like this that offer support.

Welcome to Ex-C. It can be tough when you and your spouse are in different "places". We share our "findings" and explore their significance, and I hope you find nuggets of information that are useful. Different forums serve different purposes, and in some we allow Christians to debate, others are for mourning or exploring, and I've found something interesting in all of them.

 

It can seem rather lonely sometimes depending on where you are, but you are definitely not alone.

 

I, for one, look forward to hearing more about your story, but sharing, of course, is an option not everyone feels comfortable with.

 

Knowledge is power, and the aquisition of knowledge is liberating.

 

Again, welcome.

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That was a great read, OnceConvinced (guess I'd better not refer to you as OC). I think that it illustrates the indisputable process of how eventually many "honest men" come to realize that so much of religion and religious belief is in fact, "dishonest".

 

Sometimes the realization of something doesn't hinge upon any one particular thing. Sometimes it's just a whole lot of little things adding up to one big conclusion.

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Thanks for sharing your testimony. I really liked the way you itemized your lists. Very clear and straightforward.

 

I then moved onto the anger phase, the one Christians like to putdown ex-Christians over, because they don't understand how recovering from religious indoctrination works.

 

The biggest problem with them not understanding the anger phase is that they usually just assume that an ex-christian's anger is the cause of the person "walking away from god," when in reality it is simply the effect of the individual realizing that he/she had been misled as a believer.

 

Christians who never reach the point of realizing that christianity is a crock are not likely to ever understand the anger phase that many ex-christians go through.

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Posts like these are vital for others who come here wondering what we are about and if they should leave the church. Like Loren has said, we never know about them unless they post something, but many more spend time reading and taking in the information. Thanks!

This website is definitely a great website for testimonies. I just wish I had more time to read them all myself.

 

This was very encouraging and validating to read! I came from the same boat as you. I was raised and indoctrinated from birth and, since I was home schooled, everyone I knew was a Christian. I was the "good Christian girl" and I honestly believed what I was told. I started thinking for myself and left the church about 10 months ago. I had a lot of guilt too, but mostly anger at being lied to my whole life. It is so nice to hear from other people who went through and are going through what I did!

Thanks for reading and welcome to Ex-Christian.net. Hang around, I'm sure people would love to hear your testimony and you can learn so much from other people like yourself.

 

I can totally identify with what your wrote in your 'testimony' ... it's been a long painful process for me too and am also from a long line of christians. I also 'served' in a mission organization for several years , married , and had sons who were also brought up as I was and taught -all with their best interest in mind, at the time... my husband isn't in the same place as I am and is still getting over the shock of my 'eye opening' as far as faith is concerned. I would say I havn't totally written a 'god' off .. i still see so much design in the world that I can't help but believe there is a higher intelligence behind it but not the god of the bible - something beyond my understanding at this point. i'm in the anger/grieving stage right now. I still feel very much like a closet christian ... I've talked to my sons the most about lmy doubt and disbelief and I guess it started with them as they reached their teens and started asking serious probing questions which i brushed off with pat answers at first, but then began to honestly question. I've been reading tons of historical books on the origins of the bible, christianity etc ... all in hopes of finding that it really was true but in actual fact finding the opposite ... now I feel like such a fool for believing all that for all these years. I also relate towhat you said about christians not coming after you to 'bring you back' ... no one seems to have discerned my parting - though I havn't been that outspoken about it either. I have a great thirst for knowledge - real knowledge and am enjoying the freedom of critical thinking but also find it a bit lonely at times .. esp as I'm yet to find many around me who have also come to this place in life - I am grateful for sites like this that offer support.

Thank you too for your comments. It's encouraging me too, to know that others might get something out of what I've shared.

 

That was a great read, OnceConvinced (guess I'd better not refer to you as OC). I think that it illustrates the indisputable process of how eventually many "honest men" come to realize that so much of religion and religious belief is in fact, "dishonest".

 

Sometimes the realization of something doesn't hinge upon any one particular thing. Sometimes it's just a whole lot of little things adding up to one big conclusion.

Thanks Franko. Yep, a lot of little things. I could have added other stuff too, lots of little realisations and questionings. BTW feel free to call me OC. :)

 

Thanks for sharing your testimony. I really liked the way you itemized your lists. Very clear and straightforward.

thanks! That's much appreciated.

 

I then moved onto the anger phase, the one Christians like to putdown ex-Christians over, because they don't understand how recovering from religious indoctrination works.

 

The biggest problem with them not understanding the anger phase is that they usually just assume that an ex-christian's anger is the cause of the person "walking away from god," when in reality it is simply the effect of the individual realizing that he/she had been misled as a believer.

 

Christians who never reach the point of realizing that christianity is a crock are not likely to ever understand the anger phase that many ex-christians go through.

Agreed. The whole "angry at God" accusation is just so inane, really. None of my anger was ever aimed at God. Sure, as I lost my faith, I did a lot of questioning and I believed I was questioning God, but now I see that there was never a God to question, so I can't question him, I can't blame him and I can't be angry at him, just as I can't be angry with Santa Claus because he no longer brings me gifts on Christmas Eve.

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