I Can't Believe I Used To Be Catholic

[TelevisionKiller]

Hi all,

 

I'm 20 years old. My whole life I have been Catholic. My mother's family was devoutly Catholic, she was Catholic, my dad converted to Catholicism, they baptised me and my 3 younger brothers over the years that came. Every Sunday we attended Mass, and I thought nothing of it as I grew older. How could I question my religion? It was all I had ever known. Contraception was evil. Condoms were evil. Abortion was evil. No movies or TV shows that even suggested sex (if there was a sex scene, my parents skipped over it, and they still do today). Sex before marriage was evil. Homosexuality was evil. Mortal sin scared the hell out of me (no pun intended). One of my worst fears was that I would commit a mortal sin by accident, die, and be sent to hell immediately. I was even protected from things that were happening in the Catholic church that I wanted to know about, like the sex scandals. What was going on in my religion? My parents didn't want me to know and didn't let me know.

 

I was quite sheltered growing up. My parents homeschooled me (which I actually benefited from quite a lot, so I don't regret my schooling) until I was 16, at which time I went to public school. I had always been very shy, clinging to what I knew was true (religion) and using it to comfort me when I felt uncomfortable.

 

But actually, if you back up a couple of years, that's when my undoubting, unshakable faith in Catholicism started to fail.

 

My youngest brother, aged 5, was diagnosed with brain cancer. Over the next 14 months of travel, treatment, therapy, and trying to stay hopeful that my brother would become well, my eyes started to open.

 

Where was God? He was certainly not in the relics, prayer cards or rosaries that surrounded my brother's hospital bed. He wasn't in the communion wafers that were brought almost daily to my brother. He wasn't in the chemo room. He wasn't even in the hospital. He wasn't anywhere. The journal entries I had written that said "please, God, heal my little brother" were never going to be read by an unearthly being. Prayer, I realized, was useless.

 

When my brother finally died at age 6, I went to the wake at the Catholic church my family always attended. For the first time in my life, that church, which had always before been warm, welcoming, and reassuring, like home, was ice cold and totally empty. The tabernacle was just what it looked like: a metal box that held a dry wafer that tasted like packing peanuts. The crucifix was just a creepy statue of a dead man. I thought, "God isn't here. God was never here, because I don't think God actually exists."

 

That thought was almost too much for my brain to comprehend; after all, I had lived my entire life thus far believing in God, Jesus and Mary and that they all existed and actually gave a damn about the human race. Over the next 5 years, however, I slowly started to break away from my religion and develop my OWN opinions, my OWN beliefs, and my OWN life. In that process, however, I was still dragged along to every damn Catholic youth rally in my state, and I watched, stone-faced, as these teenagers around me raised their hands and sang praise and worship songs. It made me incredibly irritated to the point of anger.

 

I left for college after high school, and while living on my own for the first time, I still struggled to go to church (because missing mass on purpose on Sunday is a mortal sin, which I was still fearful of). Just walking in that ugly building made me feel ill. I hated the hymns, I hated the rituals, I hated the homilies and I hated sitting there and being told "this is what you must believe, otherwise you will go to hell." I have clinical depression that stemmed from my brother's death, and it grew worse every day, especially on the days I went to church. I cried at spontaneous and sudden times. It was horrible and I felt like I was drowning in a black hole.

 

It was only until I saw a "YES ON PROP 8: Protect Our Religious Freedom" sign in the church that I literally left in the middle of the service, walked out the door, and I haven't been back since.

 

What a difference an agnostic life makes. My whole life I had thought "oh, how horrible it must be to not believe in God! How depressing, how sad." The funny thing is, I've never been happier. I can breathe easy now. I haven't fallen back into my depression for almost 2 years. I have a wonderful boyfriend (also agnostic) who I can kiss passionately and not worry about going to hell for it. I'm understanding who I am as a person, and I think I am starting to really find my identity after it had been partially trapped in Catholicism.

 

I think the hardest part for me is the religious divide between my parents (who are Catholic youth ministers) and myself. While I love my parents very much, I have told them that I cannot share their religious beliefs any longer. They didn't like that, but they are glad that I am happy.

 

...But the most difficult part is that I won't ever be over my beloved little brother's death. R.I.P Big James

[lulukan]

Welcome televisionkiller (interesting name), I am so sorry about your litle brother. That must have been terrible for you! I am the oldest of 5 and I can't imagine how I could have ever handled anything happening to my siblings.

 

Although we were both brought up in a similar way, I was a baptist preacher's daughter.

 

The lack of tolerance for gays and lesbians was one of the reasons I started thinking there must be no god. My reasoning went like this: We are taught to love everyone, be kind, etc... so why would a pastor of a church who is supposed to be teaching us about being good christians say such hateful things about gay people? There must be something wrong with this specific church, it can't be right to hate people just for their sexual orientation. So, I looked at other religions and they were the same way: Anti-gay. Along with a bunch of other reasons, I started doubting that a god would make people in his own image, and then turn his back on the very people he created- whether they were LGBT or not. I wanted nothing to do with a god who was that much of a jerk!

 

Thanks for sharing your story. You can read my story at my blog. Click link below.

[ShallowByThyGame]

It's always amazing what happens when we do away with things that make us feel bad.

 

Your life was changed by your brother, and in that sense he still lives on in you and your actions, and when you affect others, he is part of that too.

[Shyone]

Your story is deeply touching, and I think that confrontation with cold hard reality is a breaking point for many people. It's hard to conjure the warm fuzzies after the abject failure of the promises to heal someone that means a great deal to us.

 

Welcome to Ex-C; a place for refuge and challenge.

[Shyone]

It's always amazing what happens when we do away with things that make us feel bad.

 

Your life was changed by your brother, and in that sense he still lives on in you and your actions, and when you affect others, he is part of that too.

Quoted for truth.

[Hungrydingo]

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that kind of pain. I am an ex-catholic myself, I too was so relieved to be able to walk away from religion for good. I felt liberating when I finally came to except it.

[★ Citsonga ★]

I am sorry to hear about your brother. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been.

 

I'm glad that you're happier now, though, without the shackles of religion.

 

Your life was changed by your brother, and in that sense he still lives on in you and your actions, and when you affect others, he is part of that too.

 

Ditto.

[hereticzero]

A friend I have known for over 30 years was raised Roman Catholic. He was a die-hard Catholic to the max! Then, for whatever reason, he converted to being a Protestant fundamentalist! He is a fundy's best wet dream come true. He is the most hardcore fundy and one of the most trashed out in the brain and almost crazy person i have ever met in my life! He is a good friend and he respects our wishes concerning religion but when he is 'in the spirit' and has something to say, OMG! I have to open a six pack or a big bottle of Crown cuz it will take forever for him to get to end of his sermon. Then i pass him the bottle while I pick his sermon apart piece by piece and then we both have a big laugh but to him, it is life and death struggle with his Catholic past. Switching religions for a better fix is not always the best way to deconvert.

 

I'm glad you saw religion through unclouded mind and eyes and are as free as you can get from it.

[hamashiachfollower]

I honestly was considering Catholicism at one point, but i disagree with some of the things they did, especially in the Inquisition, the Crusades and the witch hunts. I think that thats a serious reflection of Catholicism taking the following of Yeshua and turning it into a political following. Also, I have a lot of problems with iconodualism.

[TelevisionKiller]

Thanks for all your responses

 

The lack of tolerance for gays and lesbians was one of the reasons I started thinking there must be no god. My reasoning went like this: We are taught to love everyone, be kind, etc... so why would a pastor of a church who is supposed to be teaching us about being good christians say such hateful things about gay people?

 

I agree! One of the biggest reasons why I left the Catholic church was that it was strongly against gay marriage, which I support. The general attitude from Catholics towards gay people has always been one of disgust and fear and that makes me angry.

 

Also what frustrated me about the Catholic church is that they are obsessed with sex. They want to know exactly what their members are doing in the bedroom (when it should be none of their business). Do you poke holes in your condom? If not, then you're committing a grave sin. Mutual masturbation (even within marriage)? Sinful if the sperm doesn't end up in the woman and has a chance to make babies. The Catholic church won't even marry a couple if they say they are infertile/don't plan to have children. I mean, seriously? Why is the Church so pervertedly obsessed with sex and baby making?

 

The pedophilia scandal really got my blood boiling. Hundreds of people have been abused within the Catholic church and all the bishops did was sweep it under the rug and move offenders to another parish, AGAINST the recommendations of therapists and doctors. And incredibly, idiot members of the Catholic church use these responses to the global scandal:

 

"The media tries to spin this as a 'pedophiliac scandal' when it's actually a 'homosexual scandal.'"

 

"There are even worse sexual sins going on in the world, so why is everyone focused on the Catholic church abuse claims? It's not like this has been going on in other places..."

 

"The bishops were only doing what they were told to do when they moved priests to a different parish."

 

"These priests just need to confess and spend time with God."

 

Everywhere you go it's the same. Catholics either refused to talk about it, or avoid admitting that their precious church f*cked up, and try to skirt around the issue. It's sickening to see otherwise good people defending CHILD MOLESTERS.

[southjerseygirl36]

^They won't marry people if they are child-free? What if they are both over 40?

[TelevisionKiller]

^They won't marry people if they are child-free? What if they are both over 40?

 

I'm not sure. I just know that you have to be "open to bearing children" or otherwise planning to have children before a Catholic church will marry you.

[Andy]

I used to be Catholic as well and I can identify with parts of your story. It's becoming increasingly difficult these days to identify with that organization in any way.

[JohnInMi]

As an ex-catholic myself, I too can identify w/ elements of your de-conversion tale. Like yourself, cancer has plagued my family since day one. Over the decades, I have seen several members of my devout catholic family die horrible deaths from that disease. My grandmother had FOUR primary cancers and suffered so badly toward the end that now, almost 30 years later, it is still stressful for me to remember her end.

The really SICK part of it all is that these corrupt churches actually want people like gram to worry about hell being even worse after death. When I multiply these experiences by all of the BILLIONS of people during the past 2000-odd years who have been mentally tormented by the fear of 'eternal damnation', it makes my blood boil!

[Vixentrox]

I honestly was considering Catholicism at one point, but i disagree with some of the things they did, especially in the Inquisition, the Crusades and the witch hunts. I think that thats a serious reflection of Catholicism taking the following of Yeshua and turning it into a political following. Also, I have a lot of problems with iconodualism.

Protestants have their share of atrocities and political intrigue.

[Steve20]

I hear you. I'm a Catholic (barely) and newbie to the forum. There's alot of things I dislike about the religion. In second grade ccd class I was forced to watch a graphic "passion" movie which (similar to gibsons) which gave me nightmares. I'm also not liking the whole cross, statues thing in church. (creepy).

Last week in "confession" my priest asked if I was m*****ting and said God can read my thoughts. I'm more of a deist when it comes to religion. Felt good to let that out.

[Steve20]

I hear you. I'm a Catholic (barely) and newbie to the forum. There's alot of things I dislike about the religion. In second grade ccd class I was forced to watch a graphic "passion" movie which (similar to gibsons) which gave me nightmares. I'm also not liking the whole cross, statues thing in church. (creepy).

Last week in "confession" my priest asked if I was m*****ting and said God can read my thoughts. I'm more of a deist when it comes to religion. Felt good to let that out.

 

PS. sorry about your brother

[TelevisionKiller]

I hear you. I'm a Catholic (barely) and newbie to the forum. There's alot of things I dislike about the religion. In second grade ccd class I was forced to watch a graphic "passion" movie which (similar to gibsons) which gave me nightmares.

 

Yeah me too. One time my parents made me watch it during Holy Week even though I didn't want to (and I have a hard time watching violently graphic films to begin with). I was by myself so I turned the sound off and just hid my face most of the time.

 

 

Last week in "confession" my priest asked if I was m*****ting and said God can read my thoughts. I'm more of a deist when it comes to religion. Felt good to let that out.

 

The last time I went to confession I think I was about 15 or 16 and it was horrible. It was at some sort of big teen Catholic conference/rally, and I didn't have a choice in whether I wanted to go to confession or not. I felt like I was going to throw up. I had to confess my embarrassing sins face to face to a priest and afterwards I still felt ill. I believed (and still believe) my private life should be kept private.