On Becoming A Dad...

[quicksand]

I've been on these boards since 2004 and I figured this would be a good place to gain some perspective on this life changing event.

 

Four weeks ago I found out that my wife is pregnant and of course, I'm the father. While I was initially happy about the news, doubts have begun to sink in. I'm 38 now, and will be 39 by the time the child is born. I'm an old dad-to-be, and one that has done his best to avoid the responsibility of raising a child for his whole adult life. My wife is 36. Suffice to say, we are not young twenty-somethings any more.

 

I tread on the precipice here. Part of me is really scared to be father, and the other part of me wishes my wife would deliver immediately -- ready to start this thing! The next 33 weeks is almost too long to bear!

 

I'm having fantasies about being a dad, wondering what the face of my progeny will be like. What could a child of mine look like? Will the child be healthy? If not, am I resilient enough to raise a child that isn't healthy? Can I maintain a job long enough to support my child. (I better. I'm gainfully employed at a wonderful institution.) Can I contend with the daily chore of cooking for a family? (I do all the cooking.)

 

I want to raise a healthy, smart humanist -- I don't want to indoctrinate my child. I do not want my child to not believe in gods because his father does not. However, as a responsible parent, I feel that my child should learn about religion. I'm a strong atheist ex-christian and my wife is something of an theist that has no religion. (She would be classified as the "nones" in the recent ARIS study, ie without religion.) You can safely conclude that my child will not be baptized. My wife and I both agree that this should be choice for the child to make when s/he is able to make such a decision. I also plan on instructing my child on basic logic and how to identify fallacies: basic critical thinking.

 

I know this is years away, but for my child's development I feel as if I should join a church. You can't deny religions influence upon our society. It is my hope to teach my child about religion, right and wrong, good and bad and hopefully my child will make a decision that make s/he happy and content. My parents cajoled me into the faith, but during confirmation my brother and I rejected the religion. If it wasn't for my religious instruction, I wouldn't have rejected it. And in that I find enormous value.

 

What do you think?

 

TIA

[Non-Redneck]

Don't sweat the age. My friend's husband was first time father at 50.

 

Don't join a church. Your child might think it's true. It's best to avoid church unless you're trying to teach them that this is what some people believe.

 

I'm picking up that you're concerned about you child's social development. How about shifting your child's social development from church to say something like social dancing, music, archery, hunting, outdoors, martial arts, etc? There are plenty of places for them to develop socially other than church.

[quicksand]

I'm picking up that you're concerned about you child's social development. How about shifting your child's social development from church to say something like social dancing, music, archery, hunting, outdoors, martial arts, etc? There are plenty of places for them to develop socially other than church.

I'm more worried about intellectual development than social development. I feel in order to be a good dad, I should expose my child to as much of life as possible. Of course this is years away and when I was thinking church, I was thinking Unitarian Universalist.

 

50? No way.

[Shyone]

I've been on these boards since 2004 and I figured this would be a good place to gain some perspective on this life changing event.

 

Four weeks ago I found out that my wife is pregnant and of course, I'm the father. While I was initially happy about the news, doubts have begun to sink in. I'm 38 now, and will be 39 by the time the child is born. I'm an old dad-to-be, and one that has done his best to avoid the responsibility of raising a child for his whole adult life. My wife is 36. Suffice to say, we are not young twenty-somethings any more.

 

I want to raise a healthy, smart humanist -- I don't want to indoctrinate my child. I do not want my child to not believe in gods because his father does not. However, as a responsible parent, I feel that my child should learn about religion. I'm a strong atheist ex-christian and my wife is something of an theist that has no religion. (She would be classified as the "nones" in the recent ARIS study, ie without religion.) You can safely conclude that my child will not be baptized. My wife and I both agree that this should be choice for the child to make when s/he is able to make such a decision. I also plan on instructing my child on basic logic and how to identify fallacies: basic critical thinking.

 

What do you think?

 

TIA

First, you might just follow the child's lead. If he asks about God, it may be time for "that talk." If he asks about where babies come from, that's a different talk.

 

Second, I would not deliberately poison the discussion with arguments like, "religion is bad." Religion is interesting! If he says a friend is catholic, it might be interesting to look at the different Christian sects with him and how many there are, other religions and where they are, ancient religions and why they aren't around (an interesting discussion of power, suppression and persecution), etc.

 

Third, encourage curiosity. Encourage science.

 

Fourth, love him or her, even if he becomes a fundy.

[dB-Paradox]

My wife is a fundy and I'm atheist. We have two girls, 4 and 1. I am strongly against early childhood indoctrination, but don't have a problem with my wife taking the girls to church, as long as there's always open lines of communication. I provide one side of the debate over the existence of God, and my wife the other. If my children decide when they're old enough that they want to accept Jesus in their life, I cannot nor will not stop them. But I hope the same is true for my wife, should the girls choose not to believe.

 

As a parent, there's really nothing you can do. It's a part of our society. If they don't get god through church, they'll get it through something else.

[SilentLoner]

First off, congrats!

 

I get what you're saying. There's an expression "Nothing makes a stronger atheist than an xtian household." I've joked that if I had kids (I don't want to so maybe I'm off the hook) I'd consider raising them xtian for that purpose.

 

You could introduce other mythologies as stories when kids are young, like those of the Greek gods, Norse gods, so on. Present xtianity in the same mythological context.

[hereticzero]

Congratulations! I was 36 when I had my son. All kinds of things run through your head at that age!

 

When it comes to religion, the first seven years of my son's life my wife and I did the church thing. After we deconverted, we told our son our choice and told him he could go to church any time he wanted. He has not wanted to since we left. We explained our reasons for leaving the religion and told him he was not a prisoner and could do whatever he wants to do when it comes to religion. He is almost 17 now, by the way. At first he was confused when younger, especially at Christmas time. Other kids got presents and all that stuff. To make up for it, we give our son presents all year long instead of making him wait until December. Then at December, so he is not left out, we let him put up the tree and decorate the house and lights and all that stuff too and buy him something special for the holidays too, after all, a holiday is a holiday. At first our friends and family thought we were mean because we did not keep up the Santa traditions after he was around four--they seemed to be more disturbed about Santa than Jesus, go figure! This was to prove that a little fiction in life can be fun at Christmas so he was not upset by that at all. He thought it was funny that his friends believed in Santa or celebrated Jesus' birth. We have relatives that sing Happy Birthday to Jesus every Christmas .... I stay away during that time of year, it is more than I can handle.

 

My son is in no way deprived either because of no Santa or not going to church and the older he gets the more he understands about how things become tradition whether true or not. I do not believe you will have any problems raising your son or daughter the way you want to raise them. The only problem I have had is interference from well-meaning friends and relatives that I have had to take aside and have a long talk with about whose kid is whose and that our way is the way our son is going to be raised. They can be a part of that or they can get the hell out of our lives. We do not have relatives trying to convert our son behind our backs because they know that his daddy will come down on them so hard it will be a religious experience for them! Do what you feel is best for your kid and insist that others respect your way of life.

[oddbird1963]

Congratulations.

 

Take your vitamins and exercise regularly. Starting now!

 

Just a few random thoughs on fatherhood:

 

I think as a conscientious father, your child will get the most social development if from an early age you encourage your child to develop empathy by being with him/her in enough situations to model it.

 

Everything else will follow along nicely. I think exposure to religion should be part of a grander plan of embarking with your child on an experience of life as an adventure - something to be involved in and contribute to with hands, feet and resources.

 

Of course studies show that a child gets most of his social development from his peer group. Make sure you steer the youngun towards a diverse peer group where his/her exposure to society through his peers can be optimal.

[Hungrydingo]

You don't need to go to church to socialize. Most of the friends I made before I went to school were kids who lived in our neighborhood. Unfortunately those types of neighborhoods where kids run outside and play or ride bikes seem to be in decline because all the kids in this country sit on their ass play Xbox. So I don't know what I'd do if I had a kid.

[Non-Redneck]

 

 

50? No way.

 

Yeap. A co-worker also become a dad at 52. Though it was not his first child.

[Dagan]

I want to raise a healthy, smart humanist -- I don't want to indoctrinate my child. I do not want my child to not believe in gods because his father does not.

…

I also plan on instructing my child on basic logic and how to identify fallacies: basic critical thinking.

 

Congratulations man! Being a dad is awesome. Except for the 4 a.m. wakeups and explosive diarrhea diapers. But I would go through it all again for my kids, it's so rewarding to watch them grow.

 

Good on you for wanting your kids to make up their own minds. I admire your statements as quoted above.

 

My situation is a little different. My wife is still a believer and our kids go to church. Sometimes I go along to babysit our youngest. But I do not talk to my oldest (four) about the bible as if it is anything more than fiction.

 

I think she'll figure it out someday. She is very smart and I was so proud of her at Christmas for being a little skeptic. It was the Christmas Eve service, we were getting ready to go home and she didn't want to get her coat on to leave. An older girl tried to help by telling my daughter that "Santa will only come if you go home and go to sleep tonight."

"No he won't," my daughter sniffed. "Santa's not real. He's just a game we play."

 

I thought I would burst from stifling my laughter at the look on the older girl's face.

 

My point is that if you raise your kids to think, they will. I'm confident that my daughter and son will grow up to be intelligent thinkers and at the very least, they will make informed choices about what to believe. Sounds like yours will, too.

[Lanakila]

Congrats quicksand. As you know I recently became a grandmother. Guess what? All the things you are worried about now will work themselves out. You'll be a great Dad cause you are a great guy.

[Franko47]

Congratulations. Once you get into this, everything will unfold as it should.

 

 

My parents never pressured me about religion; nominal exposure to Sunday school and Church, but I still drank the koolaid when I should have known better.

 

The hardest part was the fact that my father had gone from "church active" to "atheist", yet had very little interest in my personal philosophical life. All he cared about was when I was going to move out and get a job and get married and "quit trying to be a musician...there's no money in it, blah blah".

 

We're reconciled now, but in my teens and 20's he pretty well ignored me.

 

Just always be there for your son or daughter; take an interest in how they see reality and their personal world, be the guy they can always talk to without a bunch of bullshit.

 

The rest will take care of itself.