Any Ex 'ywamers' Out There?

[Journey]

I was a extremely zealous and devoted follower of Jesus from my early years into my teen years - As i approached graduation from highschool, I prayed much about what direction to take and what god wanted me to do with my life. My mom was always taking us to special meetings at churches and I always tried to be a 'good' kid and please my mom so on one occasion went to a service where a 'Youth With A Mission' team was performing skits, giving testimonies and basicallly recruiting people to come join them for short term missions and other things. My interest and gifting is in music and graphics and one of their schools was called 'School of Creative Arts" so after talking to them and getting more info decided that was where I would go after highschool. One of their conditions is that you go thru their basic 'Discipleship Training School' as a prerequisite to any other school so I agreed to do this. I was very excited and felt this was god's direciton for me and of course, my mom was proud that I was going to a christian school and possibly into missions. There's too much to tell the whole story here but at 17 (after graduating highschool) I went to a summer outreach with YWAM in Edomonton, Alberta .. I kept a positive attitude throughtout the whole thing (am generally optomisitic and believe the best of people anyway) but in reality, there was a plethora of problems from the organization of transporting people, housing, food and the outreach teams themselves. MOst there were teens or early twenties - It was in this very moldable time of my life that I learned JOy Dawsons '10 steps of intercession' which to me, became an absolute necessity from that point on - if I didn't follow these ten steps first, my prayers were virtually invalid! There was also an emphasis on hearing god's voice - we had very strange 'intercession prayer meetings' where we 'waited' i silence as we prayed and the first thing that came in your mind we were told, was 'gods voice' and we were to speak it out and pray about it! Yes, sounds very cultic doesn't it???

I'm getting a bit side tracked here but I went from this to the DTS in Quebec with a field trip to Mexico ... another very bizarre series of events - the leaders were mostly young and inexperienced - we had to follow them un questionly or were labeled rebellious. I still stayed with the group though, went on to a School of Evangelism in hawaii with field trips to Thailand/Japan - and then became a leader with YWAM in BC at the ripe age of 19! I continued to stay with this organization for another 5 years and it was just a series of mind controlling situations ...

 

Even after I got out ... married - continued to uphold the virtues of ywam until 3 years ago when I faced the truth of who they are

[Journey]

... sorry got interrupted on my post so will continue a bit more here. I apologize in advance if this seems a bit random or out of order … my mind is working overtime right now!

My questioning all began when I allowed myself to become friends with an unbeliever about 3 years ago. I always kept non christians at arms length unless I was witnessing to them for fear of becoming 'polluted by worldly thinking'. As I began to open my heart to this person and actually talk from my heart and allow her to as well I realized what a great person she was - without god! In fact, I began to meet a lot of people who were unbelievers that were just as happy, content and productive as christians - maybe even more. In fact , I was amazed at her insight and wisdom in life situations – all without any ‘god’ knowledge or influence! At first I did want to win her to christ - afterall, I didn't want her to go to hell, but as I shared my theology and what the bible says, it started to really sound like nonsense even to me and she was quick to pick up on the weirdness and inconsistencies of what I was telling her. I realized how absurd this must sound to someone with no bible knowledge – though she had had some catholic instruction as a child. So, how does this tie into my realizing YWAM was a cult? I began to allow myself to be open to other ideas outside my own Christian culture, partly because my sons (in highschool/university) began to challenge me as to why I was so narrow minded. At first I was defensive but then began thinking, no, if god is really who I’ve always been taught and believed he is, then he shouldn’t be afraid of honest questions (after all, I truly wanted to know the truth) and will give me the answers. I didn’t expect to get the answers that came though. It was a very gradual process but it began with seeing that my years in Youth With a Mission were virtually wasted years, other than that I got to do some travel and see the world. Even from Christian doctrine, it was way off in certain areas and there definitely was a very overbearing leadership structure that demanded absolute loyalty and obedience. It was it’s own sub culture within the Christian culture. In fact, I found most YWAMers looked down on believers outside of YWAM as though they were less Christian or committed than they. So that was my first revelation and it led to more questions … how did we get the bible? Why is the only ‘proof’ the bible is inerrant is because the bible says it’s so?? That suddenly seemed so illogical, the bible validating the bible – and coming from the New Testament which, at the time, they didn’t consider the ‘word of god’. I began to delve further into history from both a christian and historical context. What I found out pretty much shattered what remaining hope I had left of the absolute, inerrant truth of the Christian bible. I also had been bothered deeply, for some time, by the accounts of massacres of whole cities of people, women and children as well as animals (I love animals, especially dogs ) so instead of sloughing it off on past reasons given by preachers – I looked further into it and just could not see it as a reasonable thing for a ‘loving’ god to do! I also have read the bible from cover to cover scores of times – always felt it was important to read everything in the bible consistently since “it was ALL the Word of God” so never left things out. I was always bothered by the accounts of the sacrifices being made – animals heads being ripped off, throats slit , blood poured over the alter etc … again, I questioned honestly, WHY was this necessary if God is God, why can’t he just forgive without all the barbaric bloodshed – I just didn’t get the whole ‘sacrifice thing’ either…. Of course that then led to wondering why we needed Jesus to be a sacrifice for us and what’s the point of someone taking the punishment of another for their wrongdoing – that just wouldn’t be justice in our system … so many things but the real crux for me was discovering the bible was NOT inerrant or infallible therefore, it was like pulling one thread and then the whole thing fell apart for me. I shared very little of my struggle with my husband at first – I didn’t’ want to shock him as our whole life, raising our children etc had been built on this foundation of Christianity. I really talked the most with my friend and my sons but eventually got around to talking with my husband… he was shocked but when I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me, even if decided not to be a Christian anymore – he said yes and I felt more secure. WE have always had a good friendship so not being able to share this struggle put some stress on our marriage – he knows I’m still not settled exactly in what I believe and is starting to see some of what I’m saying however, I don’t want to try to convince him either – but am hoping that he will come to his own conclusions. I still go to church periodically – as I’m still very much a closet x Christian. My whole family for generations are evangelical/fundamental Christians so it’s very hard to make a clean break.

At the same time, I am loving the freedom of being able to have open, honest discussions with anyone and everyone – to learn from people and build honest, open relationships. I was always so afraid of ‘worldly influence’ and now I love the challenge and excitement of real learning and without the pressure of feeling I have to ‘evangelize’ everyone I meet – or I’ll be punished and held accountable for not sharing the ‘gospel’ with them … what a bondage I’ve been freed from. I still have much to learn and a lot more deprogramming to go thru but aside from feeling like such a fool for believing and following this religion all these years – I want to make my remaining years really count!

[Llwellyn]

Welcome to Ex-Christian, Journey! Thank you for your story of how you became free of the Christian thought system -- it is really very courageous and honest of you to take these steps now after such a long history that you have with Christianity and Christian institutions.

 

I was never with "YWAM," but I have a high school friend who spent time with the "Mercy Ship." However, I grew up as a "missionary kid" in Africa, and I attended a Christian college before I left. In college, I was a bible study leader, and I joined several christian organizations. So, I know what it is like to be in over the head with the Christian culture. I also have had the feeling of silliness when trying to share the "Good News" with someone and realizing how nonsensical it was!

 

I'm happy that you have been able to be honest with your husband and that he didn't react in a disloyal way. As time passes, it gets a lot easier to choose your own path.

[southjerseygirl36]

I had been in YWAM also and it was not run right.

[Hydroman74]

Thank you for this testimony. I have a sister-in-law who spent a couple of years in YWAM. At some point in her stint there, she was raped...more or less. She is now a lesbian and lives with her lover. I'm pretty sure she still believes in god though, yet she also believes she is not in the wrong for being a lesbian even though she was raised to believe it was wrong.

 

Her mother wondered whether or not her daughter was a lesbian and was given peace by god that she was not. Lol.

[Hydroman74]

Oh....and none of us who know about it have the heart to tell her mother the truth.

[StevoMuso]

Nice post Journey.

 

In 1977 I became a Y Oner with Youth For Christ. This was a give-a-year-of-your-life program where teams travel around the country performing musical items and plays (skits) in schools and churches. I think it's similar to YWAM. I then did compulsory military service (in a military band) and when that was done I went to university and obtained a degree in music. I then went back to YFC as staff. YFC didn't last long but I spent a total of 23 years leading worship and also became a full-time missionary in South Africa.

 

Our stories seem very similar because I later became an atheist through asking questions and finding honest answers. It's very difficult adjusting after so many years in the intensively Christian mind-sets of full-time situations.

 

So, I may not be an ex YWAMmer but as an ex Y Oner I can relate. Welcome to the forum Journey - you will feel right at home here.

[★ Citsonga ★]

Greetings, Journey! Thanks for sharing your story, and congratulations on breaking free from the shackles of religion!

 

I was never in YWAM, but I knew a couple people who were. I have lost track of them and have no idea where they're at or how they're doing now.

 

(As a side note, I would suggest breaking things up into multiple paragraphs, since one long run-on paragraph is hard on the eyes. But anyway....)

 

...if god is really who I’ve always been taught and believed he is, then he shouldn’t be afraid of honest questions (after all, I truly wanted to know the truth) and will give me the answers. I didn’t expect to get the answers that came though.

 

...the real crux for me was discovering the bible was NOT inerrant or infallible therefore, it was like pulling one thread and then the whole thing fell apart for me.

 

This is precisely my experience as well. I was firmly convinced (through indoctrination, of course) that the bible was true, so I didn't think it had anything to fear from being scrutinized. Boy was I surprised when I started seeing that it actually has errors and could not be infallible, and then the whole christian worldview just fell apart for me.

 

Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors. Enjoy the journey (no pun intended) ahead of you....

[HRDWarrior]

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story! I love to see how someone can learn to open their minds even after a lifetime spent in christianity - gives me some hope for my mother Great to have you here, I'm sure you'll find plenty of interesting conversations!

[Seeking]

what a bondage I’ve been freed from.

This. ^^

[WhyBaby]

Hello, and welcome!

 

The church I went to for the first 26 years of my life was an independent Bible church. I taught Sunday School, was church pianist, started prayer groups and Bible studies and went to bible college, followed by Wheaton Grad School. Then I worked for two different missions for a total of 9 years.

 

I wasn't in YWAM, but its hierarchical structure sounds like the shepherding movement -- anyone in power, er authority, speaks for god and you're supposed to obey without question. Seems like a cult to me.

 

When you're surrounded by people who all seem to believe a certain way, it's hard to step out of the box long enough to get perspective, isn't it? It's especially hard when your sense of meaning and purpose, life choices, career, relationships etc. are all based on that worldview.

 

You've done a brave thing and challenged the assumptions you grew up with and the choices you've made. Once you reject the authority of the bible, everything else unravels, including authority structures derived from the teachings of the bible. Once you see that the emperor has no clothes, there's no going back to your old beliefs.

 

I, too, reached a point where I felt I had to resolve my doubts. I expected that I would find answers and become an apologist or something. I figured that a god of truth would applaud a genuine search for truth. Right? Much to the chagrin of some of my friends, I decided to read books by non-Christian authors to get opposing viewpoints, rather than just reading books by Christian apologists. Oops. My reading and pondering confirmed my doubts rather than my beliefs.

 

So, keep reading, questioning and posting! If you've read through some of the testimonies here, you'll see that you are not alone.

[Daisy]

Hi There,

 

yes, there are other ex-YWAMers out there. And this past week I've been searching the internet for links to others. What I've found I've posted on http://exywam.blogspot.com; there are also several Facebook groups with ex-YWAMers. I hope this helps you to connect to others with similar experiences within the same organization. Lots of luck for your journey!

 

Daisy