Pastor Dad Is Forcing Me To Get Married, I Am Depressed

[marroncream]

Dear all,

 

I am so grateful for a website like this because I don't know where else to go. I can tell my friends all I want, but they won't understand just how extreme Christians can be. I've posted on this board before and wrote about comments that my pastor father makes, and I was told that he is being abusive and that I should stand up to him. This time, it's 100 times worse.

 

Just so you know the background, my family are Chinese Christian fundamentalists and my dad is a pastor. I've never been a firm believer even though I've been going to church since I was 6. I stopped when I was 21, I am 26 now. It took me a while to 'come out' and tell them that I don't share their beliefs anymore. Although my parents know that I don't go to church anymore, somehow they seem to be in denial and still think I'm a good Christian girl. They are full-blown Christians, reading the bible every day, praying before every meal, all their friends are Christians from the church. They don't have much contact with the non-Christian world.

 

I've been living with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, but everytime my parents call, I'd jump out of my skin and have to go to another room to talk on the phone in case they heard my boyfriend in the background. I went on holiday with him and my mom found out that I wasn't in the country (we live in different countries, but their hold over me is still powerful nevertheless), I had to tell them the truth about everything, because if I'm holidaying with him, that means I'm sharing a room with him. I told them I'm living with him, hoping that I could finally be natural with my parents and stop lying, and maybe improve our already strained relationship caused by my rejection of Christianity.

 

Their response was to write me a 6-page long email full of emotional blackmail and abuse, including quotes such as:

 

'if everyone in society thinks the same way you do, morality would not exist and the whole society could be morally corrupted. History tells us that the degeneration of moral values will bring down the society or the country, witness the decline of the Roman Empire'

 

'What you are doing could ruin your father's reputation, and pastors do lose their position because of their family's wrongdoings!'

 

'There is no church that would hire a 'disgraced' pastor'. We repeat, a pastor's family's immoral behavior WILL affect a pastor's reputation'

 

'What you do affects the whole family including your sister, our current and previous church, her church, your previous church, your grandparents, all your relatives, and all your friends'.

 

'We demand you to ask your boyfriend to move out and prepare to get married before September or the alternative is you ask him to live elsewhere until you two are ready for marriage'

 

'Do not ruin your family'.

 

 

I'm just speechless. It's even worse that they're fundamentalist Christians on top of being strict conservative Asians. I just don't know what to say or do. I have a huge headache now and I can't see any way out.

[Raul]

Well,it's none of their business,pure and simple. You're an independent adult and they'll have to get over it.

I mean,come on,you're in a great situation: you do not live with (or even near) the fundy parents and you do not depend on them economicaly. In other words,they're in no position to make such "demands".

p.s.

As for the quotes,it doesn't need explaining how silly it is,right?

[marroncream]

Well,it's none of their business,pure and simple. You're an independent adult and they'll have to get over it.

I mean,come on,you're in a great situation: you do not live with (or even near) the fundy parents and you do not depend on them economicaly.

 

I know, but what about all the b**lshit about his reputation being ruined because the Chinese Christian circle is tiny, and people can spread rumors. We live in different countries, but they're next to each other and his community frequently travels to my country (see, he's made me paranoid about 'ruining his reputation' in case someone googles and figures out it's him!) and he sounds genuinely concerned about losing his job. It's just ridiculous because I don't move in his circles at all, but he's getting very paranoid and it's just making it worse. The fact he's far away doesn't mean I'm any less traumatized by all this.

[florduh]

You don't live with them or depend on them for money. You respect them enough to be truthful. Maybe it's time to grow a set and just live your life. If you must cut off contact with them, then do so. This is ridiculous.

[Raul]

I know, but what about all the b**lshit about his reputation being ruined because the Chinese Christian circle is tiny, and people can spread rumors. We live in different countries, but they're next to each other and his community frequently travels to my country (see, he's made me paranoid about 'ruining his reputation' in case someone googles and figures out it's him!) and he sounds genuinely concerned about losing his job. It's just ridiculous because I don't move in his circles at all, but he's getting very paranoid and it's just making it worse. The fact he's far away doesn't mean I'm any less traumatized by all this.

Look,I'm sorry you have to go through this,but as you said,the b**lshit about his reputation is just that. Bullshit. I mean,come on,it's not like anyone from his church would travel to your country and accidentally find out about something,that you've successufully kept a secret even from your family for such a long time.

And even if he would lose his job for whatever reason (though the one he mentioned is very unreal) I'd say "good. Brainwashing people isn't really a job,that someone should hold onto".

[Cracked]

My wife was born and raised in China and "WE" put up with a lot of cultural differences but we seem to find common ground. She tries to respect my American culture and I hers. I understand Chinese family values are different than mine and I see good and bad in both of our cultures, but, you need to draw a line in the sand somewhere.

 

Currently her parents are here visiting for six months staying at my house. Sometimes I see them try to make her feel bad to get what they want, then I will step in and become the bad guy. It is my house and my rules and if they don't like it they can go back. I let her know I will be there for her and that seems to help.

 

As for you, your boyfriend and your parents, "the ball is in your court".

[agjohnson]

I'm a _very_ direct person, so consider this my personal take on how I would respond if someone thought to write me this kind of message.

 

'if everyone in society thinks the same way you do, morality would not exist and the whole society could be morally corrupted. History tells us that the degeneration of moral values will bring down the society or the country, witness the decline of the Roman Empire'

Nice misunderstanding of history. The Roman Empire didn't collapse due to moral decline.

 

'What you are doing could ruin your father's reputation, and pastors do lose their position because of their family's wrongdoings!'

 

'There is no church that would hire a 'disgraced' pastor'. We repeat, a pastor's family's immoral behavior WILL affect a pastor's reputation'

If that's true, it's his problem, not mine.

 

'What you do affects the whole family including your sister, our current and previous church, her church, your previous church, your grandparents, all your relatives, and all your friends'.

Fuck you.

 

'We demand you to ask your boyfriend to move out and prepare to get married before September or the alternative is you ask him to live elsewhere until you two are ready for marriage'

I've got a better idea; Go fuck yourself.

 

'Do not ruin your family'.

See above.

[ClaraOlive]

marroncream- I got married because I wanted to make my strict, controlling, fundamentalist parents happy. Your story feels familiar to me in that I had been so trapped by their expectations and emotional blackmail and my own semi-irrational fear of nameless and unknown horrible consequences for disobedience that I thought I had no choices.

 

The breaking point for me was a nervous breakdown and then a choice between divorce and suicide, because I couldn't bear to live another day with my stifled life, my fundamentalist and controlling husband, and my rotten facade. But it shouldn't have come to that, and it doesn't have to come to that for you, because YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LETTING YOUR PARENTS LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU.

 

You can go ahead and do everything that your parents want for you, but take my word for it, it will NEVER be enough. If you don't stand up for yourself and start living your own life now, your life will get more and more entangled in demands, in lies and in self-deception. I don't like slippery slope arguments, but it's not just a scare tactic that I'm saying that the more you give in, the more you'll have to do to keep pleasing them. You know this has to stop.

 

I recommend getting a secular counselor wherever you are. You sound like you need specific, ongoing support that you can meet with face to face when things are getting bad.

[HRDWarrior]

I think Clara has some great stuff there...

[Drew21361]

My solution to this is simple, for the most part: harsh.

 

Dad, Fuck yourself, fuck your reputation, and fuck your god.

 

Simple. I am perfectly capable of arguing with tact, substance and evidence, but I am also very capable of being Bad Karma-Boy. Tell them to fuck off, because to me, it sounds like your father's reputation and whatnot means more to them than you do. Simple.

[YellowJacket]

My solution to this is simple, for the most part: harsh.

 

Dad, Fuck yourself, fuck your reputation, and fuck your god.

 

 

 

I might not be THAT harsh, but I would tell him that if he loses his church he could just get a real job.

[dagnarus]

My advice would be to put your foot down, from what I understand, generally speaking it is much easier for a child too walk away from a parent, than for a parent to walk away from a child, they've put what, 18 years into raising you? plus the attention given after. That's a huge investment, which their unlikely to want to walk away from, if they're willing to cut you loose entirely over this, it probably isn't a Good idea to keep them in your life anyway. That said I also understand that Chinese culture is a lot different to western culture, as I understand it while parents expect a lot more from their children even into there adulthood, it is also understood that children can count on their parents for things alot more, even into adulthood. I wouldn't be certain if you would be in the situation where your parents sacrificed a lot more for you than the typical westerner or not.

[Cracked]

Ask yourself one question:

 

Do I want to live like this?

[CelticWhisper]

I can see how a lot of the suggested responses in this thread may seem extremely, inordinately harsh. It's shocking to hear one's child speak to one in such a disrespectful fashion.

 

And they're absolutely right to suggest it.

 

What is being done to you is deplorable. These people have no reasonable grounds of influence over you. You do not depend on them for a place to live, you do not depend on them for money, you do not depend on them for your education, you do not depend on them for your job, you do not depend on them for anything.

 

The only...I'll repeat that for emphasis, ONLY grounds they have for expecting you to do as they say is tradition. Well, where tradition is concerned, I have three words:

 

FUCK.

 

THAT.

 

SHIT.

 

 

Since you are independent and look to stay that way, I would turn this situation right around and make some serious ultimatums:

 

-They are never, ever to dictate, directly or indirectly, your actions to you again. If they do, they never see you again and they never see their grandchildren. Also, if family is so important, tell them that their grandchildren will never know who they are. Controlling parents tend to completely freak when threatened with the utter demolition of identity in the minds of their descendants.

 

-They are never, ever to dictate, directly or indirectly, your boyfriend's actions to him. This will carry similar penalties to the first infraction.

 

-Assuming they redeem themselves enough in your eyes to be worthy of visitation and assuming you have children, they are never, ever to try to influence your children in a fashion contrary to your wishes. Doing so will be met with harsh legal repercussions, such as restraining orders and/or lawsuits.

 

And I echo the sentiments of those who suggest telling them in no uncertain terms where they can stick their religion and their reputation. To be honest, were I in your shoes, I'd probably be saying something like "Fuck you. I hope you fucking choke. If you try to come here to fuck with me, I hope your plane crashes and you burn to death slowly, each other's screams being the last thing you ever hear and if there is a Hell, I hope you wind up there and are haunted by those screams for the rest of time." But then people have said I have some anger issues, so your mileage may vary.

 

Seriously, though, they are operating on the assumption that they wield absolute authority. For the sake of your mental health and your personal sovereignty, you NEED to yank that rug out from under them and give them a harsh awakening. I understand that Asian culture places a lot of emphasis on familial solidarity. Remember, though, that your personal economic situation and your self-sufficiency IS NOT DEPENDENT on your adherence to cultural traditions.

 

I normally dislike divulging personal details on the internet, but since it's relevant, I'm 26 too and relations with my family, who (except for my brother as far as I can tell) are xians of varying degrees of devotion, can be strained at times. They know exactly where I stand on religion and I have had to tell them a few times, in no uncertain terms, that I do not think the way that they do and that if they do not like it, that's too goddamn bad and they can cry their eyes out until they just get over it, or they can never see me again. I say this because I hope it will help illustrate that it IS possible, at your age and degree of practical independence, to draw a line with family and force them to respect it.

 

If you tell them off, be prepared for emotional fallout. This does not mean "do not tell them off for fear of emotional fallout," but rather to steel yourself ahead of time to weather the storm.

 

Lean on your boyfriend for emotional support if need be - this shit can be ugly, but if you hold firm they will see that their power is no power at all and will either disappear or, more likely, respect your wishes no matter how much they hate it.

 

I truly wish you the best of fortune. Be strong - you owe it to yourself to rip apart the chains that they use to try to bind you.

[OnceConvinced]

You know it's emotional blackmail so don't put up with it. They have no right to treat you that way. You are an adult.

[Crazy Donna]

Mate, seriously, this is a terrible way to live, and I am deeply concerned for your psychological health.

 

You are a smart young human being with a great future, if you reach out and take it. However, right now, you are in an abusive relationship with your parents.

 

If someone really, truly loves you, they treat you like an equal, even if you are their child. They let you make your own mistakes. You are a grown adult and no longer need their guidance.

 

If someone makes their relationship with them conditional on you obeying their commands, that is an abusive relationship. Your parents are using guilt, manipulation, threats, and other weapons in the psychological arsenal to abuse you into obeying their wishes.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I've been in situations like that, and there is really only one solution. It's not an easy solution, but it works.

 

If your parents were toddlers throwing a tantrum to get their own way, the only solution would be to ignore the tantrum. Eventually they will realise that the tantrum is not getting the desired objective, and will stop using it. This could take YEARS, in the case of your parents, but it usually works.

 

You need to cut yourself off from them. I know, that sounds harsh. I had a pretty unpleasant upbringing, but I was lucky in that I figured out that to get away from my parents control, all I needed was to prove myself academically and use that skill to support myself. Just getting out of my parent's financial control really gave me some independence, and I was then able to let their demands for control fall on my deaf ears.

 

You need to isolate yourself from them. They have sent you this letter. I think that in itself deserves at least three months of NO CONTACT with them. They only sent it to you to get a reaction. Next time they call, hang up. If they send another letter, send it back to them unopened. You are deeply upset, but too afraid of losing their love if you don't obey them. You have a right to be upset, dammit! Years of christianisation have disabled your inner bitch. Harness that inner bitch. Get angry. Don't bottle it up and keep it in, because THAT will make you depressed. You have to get angry enough to retaliate. And by retaliate, I mean do not react the way they want. Hold your ground. Ignore their pleas. Ignore them full stop. Wait three months, and if they make contact after that time, or if you make contact with them, if they start this shit again, NO CONTACT for THREE MONTHS. Eventually, they will figure out that the only result their treatment of you is getting is NO CONTACT. And NO CONTACT also means NO CONTROL.

 

I used to get abused a fair bit at home. Then, one summer, my dad DEMANDED that I come home and help him on the farm. And I refused. I was at university, and was a legal adult. I did not rely on him for financial support. He expected me to drop my entire life and go back to being an obedient slave, and boy, was he angry. Sure, he kicked up a stink, but it didn't do anything. It just got ignored. If I go to his home, and he starts the domineering shit, I just leave.

 

One thing I've learned is that some people act in a way that means that they do not deserve your love and affection. Sometimes even your respect. Sometimes these people are people you love very, very much. But if they need to control you for their own selfish ends (Daddy's career prospects, reputation, etc) that is not love.

 

The only person you need to make happy is yourself. How dare they make those kinds of demands of you? Seriously, their world view is so screwed up that NOTHING you do will ever make them happy, unless you are a carbon copy of them. You've already failed that mission because you're not their perfect, jesus loving clone. You are never going to please these people. Just focus on maintaining a great relationship with your supportive partner, and keep these people at arms length.

 

Abuse is not love. These people don't really love you unconditionally if they insist you must conform to their evil religion. If your parents love you AT ALL, (and I am sure they do, deep down, in their own way) then that love will not change, no matter what you do. So don't worry about that. Just break contact with them until they start treating you with respect. Eventually they will learn that contact with you is conditional on them treating you with respect. This could take years.

 

Don't marry your partner until YOU and YOUR PARTNER are ready to get married. That is not something you mess around with. I am getting married in a few months, and I've been with my partner the best part of a decade. It is really none of your parent's business. Sometimes you have to cut abusive people out of your life, because very often, they don't change. So be prepared for a big kerfuffle.

 

My best wishes to you. Be strong. Don't give them an inch, because if you let them get away with abusing you, it only strengthens their resolve. *pats you on the back, buys you a beer* You can do this, but accept that it's going to be tough. But then, nothing worth doing is usually easy.

[Vixentrox]

Are you an adult? Then he can't make you do anything.

[Dagan]

I understand that family shame is a big deal.

 

But aren't Christians supposed to forgive? If your dad's congregation finds out, wouldn't an outpouring of Christian love surround him and your mom?

 

If not, why not?

 

You're in your 20s, living in another country. It's your life now, not theirs. You call the shots.

[.god]

I would say to do your best ignore them and possibly cut off contact with your parents for at least 1-2 months.

 

I used to hear about the crazy shit asian parents would pull from my parents all the time, and I've seen it firsthand with many of my acquaintances and friends. They love pulling the guilt card, oh if you really loved me, oh if you were a good kid and respected your elders/parents like you're supposed to, shame your parents/family, etc, etc.

 

You just have to learn to ignore it, like water on a duck's back. You're 26 now. I bet your parents were probably married by 26. Did they acquiesce to everything your grandparents demanded of them? I bet if you did a bit of digging you'd find they most likely butted heads with their own parents at that age. They have no reason to expect you at your age, living your own life in another country, to bend to any of their unreasonable demands.

 

And the threats about your dad losing his job? I don't think I've ever encountered one story where someone else in the family who is the "black sheep" has ever caused the family to lose any status in christian circles. If anything it seems that the christians just close ranks more tightly to further ostracize the black sheep.

 

You are your own woman now, you're out of the nest and seeing the world. Your parents have had their chance and it's not your fault if they are too afraid to leave the nest themselves. For some reason, some asian parents seem to think they own their kids as indentured servants for life.. in their selfishness and fear they can only think of themselves. They fear, irrationally, that you will leave them in their old age, that you don't love them as much as you should, and so they try to control you, to try to prove to themselves that because you will do what they say that you love them and will not leave them. They toss any show of respect for you as a person to the wayside in the process because they are driven by their irrational fears. It will have to be up to you to force them to confront their irrational fears, that their world is not going to end just because you have your own mind, your own dreams and plans.

 

The only way to force them to confront their fears is to ignore them, and let them see what happens. And when they give you the respect you deserve, and stopthrowing temper tantrums like a spoiled kid, you can re-establish contact with them on equal terms, as adults.

[ebonileigh]

Hi Marroncream,

 

I can't believe I'm reading this, I'm a 60yr old woman with two adult offspring, one male 32, one female 25. How dare they treat you this way, you're old enough to do whatever you wish, and even if you were a little younger you would still be old enough. It's your life, and tell them so. If you don't draw that 'line in the sand' now, they'll continue to harass you. God religious people make me sick. This makes me so angry, I'm all hot and bothered at the moment....yeh, tell them to go fuck themselves.

No, but you must tell them in no uncertain terms that it is none of their business what you do. DON'T be scared of them, don't listen to their emotional blackmail, and I agree if your dad did lose his job (that's a laugh) that would be great, one less preacher filling the minds of the credulous with bullshit.I'd better stop now before I say too much.

 

DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. DO WHAT YOU WANT.

[Max]

Marriage it too important to be bullied into, or rush into before you are ready. Do you parents think that think that a marriage is just some trivial token to protect their reputation? By demanding it for selfish reasons, the they cheapen the whole concept.

[marroncream]

Hi everybody,

 

Thank you for all your replies, I think I really need to wake up and realise that I am not a special case and that my parents don't have special control over me. I'm still really scared and have no idea how to proceed. I would like to stop contact for a while, but all they would do is jump on the train and come find me at work and ruin my life. I also don't want him to get a heart attack if I say no. But there is no way I am getting married in August, that is just totally ridiculous. Oh God. I'm glad there's Easter break to mull over this. I can't believe I'm at this stage, it's really shocking to discover how much reputation matters more to them than my happiness. That's the thing, if you're Asian and religious, happiness doesn't count for shit. It's all about sacrifice.

[Overcame Faith]

Marroncream,

 

I am sorry that you face this dilemma. I am sure it is extraordinarily difficult on you as I can read the emotional turmoil you face in your posts.

 

I am not Asian but I am married to one. I have two in-laws (also Asian) who are pastors and I have been to a number of Asian churches.

 

It can be difficult for those of us who live in the modern western culture to understand how your parents could "force" you to marry your boyfriend. It is not through physical force, but through family pressure. As you are well aware, in Asian cultures the family is truly the center of life and thus exercises a strong influence on the family members through pressure. And this pressure is real for the one being pressured (like you are).

 

I am making several assumptions. The first is that you love your parents very much and do not wish to hurt them, nor do you wish to end your relationship with them. The second is that your father is the pastor of a church composed primarily (or probably almost entirely) of Chinese members.

 

From what I have seen on many occasions, Asian Christians do hold their pastors to a very high standard and they tend to follow the lives of not just the pastor, but also of the pastor's family very closely. They generally view the actions of the pastor's family members as reflective of the pastor. Their view would be something like if the pastor's daughter is living with a man while not being married, then the pastor must be neither a strong father nor a strong Christian and they would begin to doubt whether he is the best pastor for the church. Therefore, what your parents told you about your father's reputation in the e-mail is probably true.

 

With my assumption that you love your parents and do not want to end your relationship with them combined with your obvious steadfast resolve not to be either forced into marriage or to live separately from your boyfriend, then the difficult question you face is what to do.

 

Perhaps you could try a sort of give and take with them. The give (on your part) would be for you to acknowledge to your parents the difficult position your father is in with his church in light of your living arrangements and to promise them that you will not be open about your living arrangements with his congregation. This should be achievable given that you live in a different country. You can discuss with them about what you should do when you come home to visit. What I mean by that is that you can discuss whether you should bring your boyfriend home with you when you visit and, if you do bring him, what would be the proper arrangements (maybe you would stay with your parents and he would stay in a hotel).

 

The take would be for you to tell them as respectfully and lovingly as possible that you will not be forced into marriage nor will you end your live-in arrangement with your boyfriend. You explain that since you are willing to be discrete and make compromises to help your father "save face" insofar as revealing your arrangements with the congregation and are willing to compromise there, that they give you the consideration of not trying to force you to marry before you are ready.

 

I wish you the best of luck in resolving this issue with your parents.

[ebonileigh]

Hi everybody,

 

Thank you for all your replies, I think I really need to wake up and realise that I am not a special case and that my parents don't have special control over me. I'm still really scared and have no idea how to proceed. I would like to stop contact for a while, but all they would do is jump on the train and come find me at work and ruin my life. I also don't want him to get a heart attack if I say no. But there is no way I am getting married in August, that is just totally ridiculous. Oh God. I'm glad there's Easter break to mull over this. I can't believe I'm at this stage, it's really shocking to discover how much reputation matters more to them than my happiness. That's the thing, if you're Asian and religious, happiness doesn't count for shit. It's all about sacrifice.

Oh Marroncream, you really cannot let them have such control over you, you really do have to make a stand, in fact I will be so bold as to say that you MUST make a stand, you must not give in to their pressures as it will only get worse. This is YOUR LIFE and no one else's. You must be strong please, if you give into them they will be ruining your life anyway, not just if they show up at your place of employment. And being afraid that this issue may cause a heart attack for your father is ridiculous. If your father gets so stressed that he is not getting his way in YOUR LIFE and has a heart attack, that's his problem not yours. Oh dear me, how dare they do this to you. Please make a stand against them, for not only your sake but that of your partners. It's not just you in all of this it's him too. I am so angry at them. PLEASE MAKE A STAND AGAINST THEM.

[CelticWhisper]

Marroncream,

 

If they try to find you at work and harass you there, CALL THE POLICE. That is blatantly ILLEGAL and you can press criminal charges of stalking, harassment, or probably a few other things that the PD will inform you of at the time.

 

And remember, you're NOT "Asian and Christian." You're Asian and human, and their Christian values are what's actually worth nothing, what actually doesn't count for shit.

 

I would start taking physical and legal measures to protect yourself from them if you think they're ready to try to track you down. If they have keys to your house, change your locks. If you don't have caller ID, get it. You might even consider talking to your local law enforcement agency and tell them that while there's no clear and present danger yet, you're in a situation where adversarial individuals may be coming to harass you and see what options you have in the way of legal defense (Imagine the commotion in the church when the pastor not only has a daughter who's disobeying Christian doctrine, but whose daughter had him taken away in handcuffs! Makes me giddy just thinking about it.)

 

What they are doing is wrong. Period. If they lose jobs, lose respect, lose recognition, lose money, or have heart attacks, no matter how much it may seem like it's your fault, it is NOT your fault. It is theirs for digging themselves into such a hole to begin with and for reacting the way they do. You are RIGHT to live your own life how you see fit. They are WRONG to try to control you, in any way, ever.

 

Here's my suggestion for the here-and-now. Write back to them and say two simple things: That trying to control you as though you were a child is inappropriate behaviour and you will not tolerate it, and that if it happens again you will cut off contact for one month.

 

Don't say any more than that. Don't give them any avenues to continue the discussion. Don't talk about your feelings, your beliefs, your values, anything. Keep it to the point. "You are behaving inappropriately, and if it continues I will cut off contact." That's it. There's no way they can argue with that.

 

And then, if they persist, cut off contact for a month. Follow the suggestions mentioned above. Return letters unopened, don't answer their calls, hang up on them, delete voicemail without listening to it. Keep it to exactly one month. 31 days to the day - cross 'em off on a calendar if you have to. Once the period is over, start talking to them like nothing ever happened.

 

See how it goes. After that, my suggestion for the future would follow a similar formula. If they start the bullshit again, cut them off for two months. 62 days to the day, cross 'em off on a calendar if you need to. After that, four months. Then eight months. Then a year and four months. Double it every time, and tell them that beforehand. One warning per incident and then the blackout starts. I doubt any parents would persist when faced with a decade or more of cutoff from their child.

 

And again, if you think they'll come find you at work, be proactive. Talk to the police and also to your coworkers. If your parents are going to make a scene, prepare your coworkers to think it's nothing. Just say "I'm going through some family drama and my parents are mentally unstable. If they come here looking for me, send them away or call the police, they already know they're not to contact me here but it could still happen." Don't act overly nervous about it, just let key people at the office know what's going on so it's not a shock if they do show up.

 

Just please, please, please, whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE IN. I must respectfully disagree with Overcame Faith regarding the give-and-take arrangement. There are many situations in which that would work but I fear yours is not one of them - your parents sound too adamant about their idiotic and wrong beliefs for a compromise to end well for you, at least at the start. You need to be absolutely unbendingly strict with them. Let them know that you WILL NOT tolerate their antics in any capacity, that they WILL NOT get their way over yours, and that you WILL cut them off for disobeying you.

 

Nobody's going to lie to you and tell you this will be easy. As I said before, lean on your boyfriend and your friends for support. Good friends will see you through this. And if you persist and respect yourself, you will come out of it unharmed and all the wiser.