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Goodbye Jesus

Design The New God


Vomit Comet

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The scenario: inter-dimensional beings pay you a visit late one night. "Uh, yeah, regarding that whole Jesus-Yahweh thing, we actually discontinued that sometime back in your year 452 AD. Your world has been running without a pantheon of any kind ever since, kind of on cosmic autopilot, y'know? You've been randomly selected to design a new God or set of Gods, a new afterlife, and so on. You'd be as good as anybody else."

 

Now that you've got free reign to design the new God(s), the new heaven/hell or whatever the fuck... what would it look like?

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Here's mine.

 

THE CLOCK MAN: He's kind of the chief god, but he's more like a cosmic janitor. He makes sure everything's in working order. If you saw him, he'd look like an old biker dude in work coveralls wearing an old fashioned train engineer's hat. He knows all, and supervises every last quark and neutrino, but he's pretty non-assuming. Sits in his easy chair and tosses back some cold ones after he clocks out for the day. He has an old-looking gold pocketwatch with lots of weird esoteric dials that is actually the measure of all time and space and everything.

 

AXE MAN: He's the god of death and destruction. He's like this big Viking dude with a giant axe capable of cleaving the Himalayas in twain. But he doesn't really cause any of it, he just kind of presides over things. His presence can be found at the scenes of mass carnage and violence, Manowar concerts, Alpine beer halls, and other places.

 

PARTY MASTER: He's kind of like Dionysius. He wants us all to party and have fun and do drugs and have sex.

He has five dicks, and five hands with which to masturbate them whenever he's not getting sucked off by one of his nymphs.

He actually has seven arms. The sixth arm holds the doobie and the seventh arm holds an earthen jug of tequila.

 

EARTH MOMMA: your standard-issue mother earth goddess of fertility and whatnot.

 

NATURE BOY: Earth momma's consort. God of the forest, trees, nature, etc. Looks like a hippie.

 

SEXY MOMMA: The goddess of sex, gettin' off, masturbation, etc. Very important. :wicked:

 

SADSACK: He's kind of like a goth boy, but s/he is a hermaphrodite/transgender of sorts. Just mopes around all sadlike, likes to hang out in cememtaries. He's kind of in charge of death and dying and stuff, and depression and melancholy and stuff. *sigh*

 

Okay, that about covers it.

 

THE AFTERLIFE: everybody gets a custom afterlife. You can become the god of your own planet like with the Mormons, or whatever the fuck else. (Ever read the comic series 'The Invisibles'?)

 

HELL: If you were an asshole while alive, i.e. a neo-Nazi or a rapist or whatever, you will be subjected to some kind of rehabilitating punishment. For example, if you were a neo-Nazi you'll have to suck black cock for a hundred years. Maybe if you're sorry enough you'll be let into the good afterlife. If you were particularly heinous (i.e. Hitler himself) you'll be tossed into oblivion. It might be like being in solitary confinement for all eternity, except maybe with less consciousness. It has to be worse than the atheist afterlife where you just blink out.

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I'd combine Athena and Nemesis and make her pet a black wolf. The goddess would be dark and powerful but fully restrained--until someone deserves to have their ass kicked. She would look a bit like a goth but with an added fire in her eyes and whitened hair of wisdom; she knows when to hold back and let things run their course and when to pick up her battle axe to fight. Her temple is the library, and her worship is a discussion.

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My god would look like Jessica Alba and we'd have a personal relationship.

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I would leave the position permanently unfilled.

 

It's obvious the universe doesn't need one.

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How are my god designing talents to be compensated? Or would I make more taking the god gig myself? Can I make herb grow like kudzu? Is single malt on tap at the godhouse?

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Beautiful big breasted women that could grant me lots of wishes :woohoo: but not with unlimited power, cause you know, when women get angry at you, things happen

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My god would look like Jessica Alba and we'd have a personal relationship.

I'd pray every night and morning. And a couple of times a day too.

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I'd come up with a God that actually is loving and just. Thus, something very different from the Christian and Muslim Gods.

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What would the afterlife look like?

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Here is mine

simcity2000.gif

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* puts on my workin' gloves*

 

the thought of designing a god is how it all began.. so if something gave me the power to make a god... i would make him be a creature, like the nobelist of men, a king who rules unbiasded and fairly conciders all aspects before his judgement. A god that would be much like a father, to instruct and be carefull of your understanding so that there is no injustice or meaningless punishment.

 

IF i make up a god she will also be a being of wit and intriuge. She would have a cutting wit and a pure accptance. Always able to keep you pressing forward; and to allow for your errors while showing the way, in hopes that you come to the best wisdom you may, and still love your in spite of, if not because of, your folly.

 

Hell... would be a training ground for mental growth just like pondering over a lecture given by a wise concerned father, and heaven would be like sitting around the dinning room table free to laugh and talk about anything.

 

I would structure the religion as a strict family who stop at nothing to seek, reveal, create and udnerstand knowledge. God would not be omnipotent... but it's ok if he isn't far beyond me, any good father is most pleased if his child supasses himself. It helps him know that the family bisiness ( i.e. correctly dividing what is truth) is in capable hands.

 

God would not be uber-powerful or uber benelivent... the christians are right about about something... his lovngsuffering does have and end, and there is a judgment. might the god i create be forced to reject one of his own?

 

Some fathers have faced that reality. But they never kicked a child out so they could torment him forever.

 

(well ok thats a strech some fathers are real assess but we are talking about my fantasy dad/god not yours)

 

izm

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I'd come up with a God that actually is loving and just. Thus, something very different from the Christian and Muslim Gods.

 

 

 

Amen, brother.

 

 

Yup, draft beer coming out of my kitchen tap, a fleet of muscle cars in my driveway, lots of bored and hot women who outnumber men 10 to 1......yup, I say:

 

Florduh for God / 2012

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yup, I say:

Florduh for God / 2012

 

I second! A Harley would look good on streets of gold.

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Florduh for God / 2012

 

Dammit, florduh! You told me you are god!!! Wtf??? :liar:

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Florduh for God / 2012

 

Dammit, florduh! You told me you are god!!! Wtf??? :liar:

A democratic god would have to run for reelection from time to time.

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