My Journey To Leaving Christianity

[Chloe]

Hello everyone! My name is Chloe and I'm new to this site. My journey to leaving Christianity has been very painful and difficult. I've been reading some of the posts here and my story is similiar to many that I've read. I grew up in a strict fundamental christian home. My mom became a born again christian when I was 2 months old. In her world, everything was very black and white, right or wrong. You weren't to question anything. She controlled our behavior with fear and intimidation. She drilled the concept of hell into our heads and my sister and I were continually told we would go to hell for every little thing we did wrong. We were forced to go to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. We had to listen to bible studies on days we didn't go to church. We weren't allowed to do anything that was remotely considered "worldly" or "secular" and that included almost everything including watching movies, playing video games, listening to rock music, watching TV, dancing, celebrating halloween, etc...the list is endless. We couldn't have any non Christian friends because she was afraid they would turn us away from our religion. This never felt right to me.

 

God became in my mind someone who was mean, critical, unjust, punishing, cruel, and someone who didn't want anyone to have fun. I never saw him as loving and everything the church people told me he was. Nevertheless, I continued to believe and do the "right" christian thing and be the good christian everyone expected me to be. I felt trapped in these beliefs, but was afraid to think anything else for fear of hell. My mom continuously drilled home the idea of burning in hell forever if we stepped out of line. When I was in my early 20's, I investigated the Catholic church because my mom always said catholics are going to hell, so this intrigued me. I converted to catholicism shortly after. I was desperately searching for a way to have faith without believing like my mom. I wanted to feel all the things people said you would feel believing in jesus. I never felt these things in the faith of my childhood and thought maybe I would feel them in catholicism. I was too afraid not to believe anything. I continued to practice catholicism throughout my 20's and at some points actually flipped back and forth from catholicism to protestant. Despite my practicing religion, I never felt the things people said I should. I never felt peace and serenity. In fact, I felt more conflicted. I realized the church's teachings were so opposite of mine. For example, I couldn't square up my beliefs about homosexuality with the church's. I didn't believe it was a sin yet my religion said it was. Religion never felt right for me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I never felt good about the church, god, religion, etc...yet I was too afraid not to believe. I kept living in this conflicted state for many years.

 

Things changed 4 years ago when I went back to college. I started learning how to think critically and question things. Slowly, I started questioning the beliefs I grew up with. I started searching for answers. I began to think about things logically and as a result, I slowly started realizing how convoluted the ideas in chrisianity are. They began to not make sense to me. I realized that religion is not founded in fact but faith. You have to believe it on faith. You can't prove any of it. I realized that all along I was following christianity out of duty, fear, guilt, and just because it was all I knew. I never even thought of questioning it because questioning meant you were sinning and therefore going to hell. I finally had to give myself permission to question, then to stop believing.

 

This has been a slow journey for me. I'm not even all the way through. But I've made a beginning. I'm letting go of my christian past one step at a time. It's a difficult process. I have to keep reminding myself every day that it's okay for me to question. It's okay not to believe. It's okay that I believe something else, that I'm not going to hell. It's a real shame that religion brainwashes people into believing they will go to hell for every perceived "sin." I feel sorry for my mom. Her world must be really painful if she believes that any step out of line with her bible will send her to hell. What an awful way to live. I know because I was right there with her.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm glad this forum is here for us.

 

Chloe

[Ouroboros]

Welcome Chloe.

 

Things changed 4 years ago when I went back to college. I started learning how to think critically and question things.

Critical thinking is usually an enemy to religion.

 

Glad to have you here.

[Carmen]

Welcome, Chloe.

 

I realized that religion is not founded in fact but faith. You have to believe it on faith. You can't prove any of it. I realized that all along I was following christianity out of duty, fear, guilt, and just because it was all I knew. I never even thought of questioning it because questioning meant you were sinning and therefore going to hell. I finally had to give myself permission to question, then to stop believing.

 

This is so true! Whenever I have discussions with Christians and start asking them difficult questions about their beliefs, their answer always comes down to faith. "You just have to have faith, God's ways are mysterious, we won't know until we get to heaven, etc." It's amazing how many people base their whole lives around pure, blind faith. Of course, as you mentioned, the guilt and the fear of hell keep many people from leaving their faith as well.

 

Does your mom know that you no longer believe? If you've told her, how did she react?

[Hydroman74]

Thanks for your story. You share the same experiences that many of us here have had. If the christian god is real, would he not want us to question what we believe? Also, would he want us to believe out of fear of hell? Fear is a powerful weapon.

 

I wanted to be a true christian. I didn't want to be someone who would go to church and put on a happy face and worship god, then come home and watch some porn, or do other sinful things. I wanted to be real. I prayed many times from my heart to god to help me be real, and to have a true relationship with him. I always got nothing. I could have done just as good by praying to a wall....except I could see and feel the wall.

 

It is a long and difficult journey for most of us. It's so hard to give up the way you were raised. I don't think I could ever go back now. Matter of fact, why would I want to? Keep searching and studying!

[Chloe]

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. It's comforting to know there are so many other people who have gone through what I have.

 

Carmen - I have not told her. She's quite old and in a nursing home. We are not close and never have been. I only talk to her a couple of times a year. I guess I don't see the point in telling her. She'll just spend the rest of her life worrying about my soul. Might as well let her live out the rest of her life believing I'm a Christian

 

Hydroman - I felt the same way like very silly for praying cause I always felt like I was talking to myself or the wall. I could never coorelate my prayers to good things happening. Sometimes I prayed and bad things happened anyway. Other times I didn't pray and good things happened. So I always saw prayer as futile. Now I know why. I'm with you. I never want to go back. It's such a freeing experience to let go of Christianity.

[★ Citsonga ★]

Greetings, Chloe, and thanks for sharing your story. It's great to read of another open-minded, truth seeking individual whose blinders are being opened. Coming to grips with the reality that I had been brainwashed with untruths was a struggle for me as well, and many others here would attest the same, so we can identify with where you're at.

 

Good luck as you try to piece things back together with truth and reason. Enjoy the journey ahead of you....

[Snowflake]

 

I wanted to be a true christian. I didn't want to be someone who would go to church and put on a happy face and worship god, then come home and watch some porn, or do other sinful things. I wanted to be real. I prayed many times from my heart to god to help me be real, and to have a true relationship with him. I always got nothing. I could have done just as good by praying to a wall....except I could see and feel the wall. >>

 

 

A living relationship with God may happen thru the Bible. After prayer,rather than waiting to hear God's voice, you may want to read the Bible. God may speak thru passages in the Bible. Actual hearing of God's voice is quite rare - at least in my experience.

JayL - This is the Testimonies of Former Christians Board and it has these rules:

 

That said, please consider these guidelines for posting in the Testimony forum.

 

1. Please remember the main purpose of the site in your posts; to encourage those who have left Christianity or other religions. Post something encouraging! Some members will have chosen a different path than you did; please respect their journey and remember that we all choose different turns in the road. This is not the proper forum for you to criticize or make other condemnatory statements about the path they have currently chosen. You may change tomorrow the beliefs you are espousing today.

 

2. Please refrain from posting anything that might be seen as evangelistic. There should be no witnessing, no proselytizing, no offers of prayer, no suggestions for "taking issues to God," etc…

 

Out of sensitivity to those who choose to share their life stories here, please be aware that all responses in this area, especially posts by Christians, are subject to editing or deletion.

 

Your heart may be in the right place, but the posting guidelines for this board clearly state that you are not to witness in any way, or encourage anyone to further their relationship with God as you have done in your last two posts. We don't come here seeking out a way to deepen our faith.

[Snowflake]

Welcome! So many things that I could relate to in your post!

 

 

Despite my practicing religion, I never felt the things people said I should. I never felt peace and serenity.

I felt like this, too. I never got that sense of peace, either. No matter how much I prayed or studied the bible or worshiped it just never happened.

 

I finally had to give myself permission to question, then to stop believing.

I remember this as a very conscious decision as well. But when I began to question, I stopped believing as a result.

 

I feel sorry for my mom. Her world must be really painful if she believes that any step out of line with her bible will send her to hell. What an awful way to live.

 

My mom knows that I no longer believe because I was so angry at first. I wish I had kept it from her now because she is genuinely afraid for me. She thinks that I'm going to fry in hell and she cries, practically begs me to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior. It would have been so much kinder if I had just let her remain ignorant about that.

 

I'm so glad you found us!

[Hydroman74]

 

A living relationship with God may happen thru the Bible. After prayer,rather than waiting to hear God's voice, you may want to read the Bible. God may speak thru passages in the Bible. Actual hearing of God's voice is quite rare - at least in my experience.

You think I didn't read and study the bible as a christian? I taught from it, thinking it came from god.

 

Now, how did anyone have a relationship with this god before scripture was available? Why can't it be that way today if this god is the same yesterday, today, and forever?