Autonomous Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 My husband and I have some marriage problems we are trying to sort out. We both want to sort them out. There have been problems for a long time but the recent crisis was precipitated by me making a discovery about something he had been doing which he shouldn't have. He talked to his mum and her response was to send a letter, addressed to both of us. In it she said they'd had a sermon on reconciliation at their church that week and one of the main points was that people can't be reconciled to each other in relationships unless they are first reconciled with God. My response was basically "What the f*ck?!". My first thought was that she was trying to split us up, since she knows I haven't been a Christian for 4 years and so can't do anything to fix this supposed problem. Then I thought maybe it's because she doesn't really accept I don't believe (I've heard plenty of the "oh you're just angry with God" stuff from a lot of other people) so she's hoping saying this will encourage me to "come back to God". Dh has done a wonderful job of defending me despite him still being a (albeit now much more liberal and unsure) Christian. So he phoned her and they debated the subject of non-Christians (ie me) for an hour. She said a ton of stuff like, non-Christians can't forgive, they're not committed in marriage like Christians etc etc. I'm sure you can understand I am pretty upset and angry. Dh can vouch that I have been very gracious and compassionate towards him in how I've dealt with what's happened between us. She has no right to judge me like this. I haven't turned into a different person since I lost my faith! In fact I am a nicer person! She is a very dogmatic and old-fashioned kind of Christian (for a UK Anglican anyway), and I already know she can't see past her dogmas to realise how hurtful, unfair and manipulative she's being. I saw that when my SIL left her husband and MIL did things like still sending her an anniversary card addressed to both of them. Or when my mum divorced and she wanted to keep calling her by her husband's surname (even though my mum never intended to switch to it anyway!). I just don't understand why she would want to say such negative and discouraging things to us at this time. We have a lot of hurdles to get over to heal our marriage. And I am sure she wants us to stay together as I know her views on marriage from the events I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Dh says she just wasn't thinking and was musing aloud about our situation. I find it hard to believe she could be that thoughtless and stupid, but who knows. I think she wants to blame me so she doesn't have to acknowledge that her son has problems. She chose to bring children into the world with a severely mentally ill man and it has caused problems. Dh is now getting counselling (at the recommendation of his vicar, who is actually pretty wonderful) to help him deal with the emotional issues which have badly affected our relationship over the years. I'm sure she doesn't like that. And I also know she needs to believe "once a Christian, always a Christian" because dh's father rejected Christianity before he died. The best part is, next week we're going to stay with her and her husband (who is even worse and I'm sure is partly responsible for her getting worse over the 15 years she's been with him). I am dreading the thought that this might come up again. I need polite things to say to get out of the conversation if they try to bring this subject up. I don't want to get into an argument, I am way too tired and stressed dealing with my marriage stuff to want to play that game and I know her well enough to know that she never changes her mind on something like this. I have no idea how I will bear to be with her for 3 days and keep smiling and being polite though, knowing what she's been saying about me and how careless she's being with our marriage. I feel sick to the stomach at the thought of it and on top of everything else I just don't know how to face it. I've considered not going, but we're staying a night with my sister who lives near MIL, and I don't want to drop out of that, they live several hours drive away and we haven't been there for 2 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 It's nice your hubby is defending you (it sucks when your spouse turns against you). I like to see xians crap all over you then bring out the "You're angry at 'god'" card. No. I'm angry at your games because I don't believe in any gods. The only thing I can think to help you is to tell you to minimize your time with her. Visit your sister more. Go shopping or something (or at least say you are and just hang out with her). Then your you can spend time with your family and your husband can spend time with his (if he likes). Just explain it like you did here, that you haven't seen her for two years and want to see her while you can. mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autonomous Posted April 3, 2010 Author Share Posted April 3, 2010 It's nice your hubby is defending you (it sucks when your spouse turns against you). I like to see xians crap all over you then bring out the "You're angry at 'god'" card. No. I'm angry at your games because I don't believe in any gods. The only thing I can think to help you is to tell you to minimize your time with her. Visit your sister more. Go shopping or something (or at least say you are and just hang out with her). Then your you can spend time with your family and your husband can spend time with his (if he likes). Just explain it like you did here, that you haven't seen her for two years and want to see her while you can. mwc Unfortunately my sis is about 2 hrs away from MIL, so we're just seeing her for a day before going on to MILs. The good thing is thanks to them not having room in their house for the 6 of us, we're saying at the local YHA instead. Which means so evening debate sessions over a drink after the kids are in bed. I reckon if I keep around the kids all the time and don't let MIL catch me alone. If necessary a headache and need for a stroll down the street alone maybe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted April 3, 2010 Super Moderator Share Posted April 3, 2010 She'll never back off from her agenda. Your being polite and trying to keep the peace is a waste of time. I would contact her privately and explain that her interference is harmful to your relationship and insist that she back off. If she won't do that, then explain to hubby that Mom is a problem that he must address immediately. Make it clear to everyone involved that you'll put up with no interference from her. That's what I would do, and I'd follow through by walking out of the house the moment she opens her mouth on the subject. Of course, I'm old and cranky and have no tolerance any more for needless bullshit. A lot of younger people still think they have to take it. They don't, but that realization usually only comes with age. In any event, good luck with everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autonomous Posted April 3, 2010 Author Share Posted April 3, 2010 She'll never back off from her agenda. Your being polite and trying to keep the peace is a waste of time. I would contact her privately and explain that her interference is harmful to your relationship and insist that she back off. If she won't do that, then explain to hubby that Mom is a problem that he must address immediately. Make it clear to everyone involved that you'll put up with no interference from her. That's what I would do, and I'd follow through by walking out of the house the moment she opens her mouth on the subject. Of course, I'm old and cranky and have no tolerance any more for needless bullshit. A lot of younger people still think they have to take it. They don't, but that realization usually only comes with age. In any event, good luck with everything. Thankyou. I basically agree with that. Except I think it is likely she won't bring it up again (it was dh that asked her to explain the letter and he said she was reluctant to and he got the impressions he regrets it). But if she does, then I would do just what you've said. It's complicated as well by dh being very much a "keep quiet, get on with it and it'll go away" person. Which at least means he can just ignore it and not be affected by what she's said. But it also means he doesn't want to take any action, beyond telling her he disagreed. I however am a "face it and deal with it" person (ya think this might be why I'm an ex-C and he's a "hanging on in there getting more liberal and confused by the minute" Christian? LOL). To be honest I'd like to email her and politely tell her what I think. What is stopping me is that I am exhausted and stressed up to the eyeballs already dealing with dh's revelations, and especially as we're going to stay, I just don't want to deal with doing that right now. So all in all I am thinking that adopting a wait and see approach is best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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