Afraid To Tell Them Why

[viridia]

Hi everyone,

 

I have recently deconverted from Christianity and consider myself a Deist at the moment. I may be young but I do have a firm idea of who I am and where I want to be in life, and going back to Christianity is something I will not do.

 

I have the most loving family in the world, and we are truly lucky to get along so well. I'm very close to my mother, and have a father who always manages to cheer everyone up, and two sisters who have graciously let me into their lives as the annoying little sister. I also have a boyfriend who keeps my chin up in bad times (:

 

However, I have a problem when it comes to most of these people. Pretty much everyone except my dad and one of my sisters. Just a little background, I recently talked to my mom and told her of my deconversion. She was very hurt, and she told me for a moment she felt she'd failed as a mother. That was really hard to hear, but she apologized...she's always told my sisters and I that her and Dad teach us what we need to know so that we can make decisions for ourselves. My sister, though, had a big problem with my abandonment of the faith. She works at the daycare of our old church/school, and has renewed deeply her relationship with Jesus.

 

Also, my boyfriend was hurt to hear I had left Christianity. He felt that it wouldn't be the same, and if in the chance we'd ever grow old and start a family together, he couldn't be with someone who was not a Christian. This shocked me as he's not the most religious or spiritual person, and is very liberal in a lot of his views.

 

Sorry if that was TL;DR length! My real concern is that these people have all asked me whyI left Christianity. I know the reasons: I don't want to be part of a religion, as I feel they were only created by man to control; I don't want to be tied down by any religion's doctrines when I simply am being human (sex anyone?) and feel guilty about it; I don't believe that the Bible or any religious text was "inspired by" God or any god/s. And these are just the main ones.

 

But when Mom or my sister or my boyfriend asks me why, I always feel too afraid (I can't really find a better word) to answer them. I worry they'll think my reasons are stupid, or that they will say I'm thinking way too hard on it. And then I worry these thoughts will lead me back to Christianity, when I know I don't want to be a part of it.

 

So I guess my questions are: Is there anyone else who was/is in my situation? How did you get over the fear of telling them the true reasons why you left Christianity? I'm not worried they will disown me, or my boyfriend will leave me; but I suppose I am afraid of what they will think when I tell them my reasons for leaving.

 

Thank you,

--viridia

[ShallowByThyGame]

All I can recommend is that you absorb as much skeptical literature as you can so that you can better understand your reasons(bible is a silly old book) and why possible counterattacks against them are invalid. (like Pascal's Wager)

 

For a deist maybe Karen Armstrong's books would give you some weapons. I was a deist for a few years during my deconversion, but I never talked about it maybe for the same reasons as you, as I didn't really study theology heavily until later. (If you want to know my reasons for leaving deism for atheism, I'd be happy to share )

 

The better you understand the logic of rejecting Christianity, the more confident you will be in discussing it.

 

I would also caution against staying with someone who does not respect your thoughts on such matters.

 

However, you are correct if you fear they may want a 'reason' so they can try and pick it apart. You don't owe them an explanation if that is their intention, and they are not simply curious as to your opinion because they respect your mind or want to know if you've thought of something they have not.

[Shyone]

So I guess my questions are: Is there anyone else who was/is in my situation? How did you get over the fear of telling them the true reasons why you left Christianity? I'm not worried they will disown me, or my boyfriend will leave me; but I suppose I am afraid of what they will think when I tell them my reasons for leaving.

 

Thank you,

--viridia

Just a small request. You use of size=1 is hard for some of us older folk to read. Could you use the default size?

 

It seems like everyone that leaves Christianity is expected to justify themselves, and really this isn't fair. The default position is atheism, and those who want to propose that there is a god should be required to justify their position instead.

 

But, that's not going to fly when you've been involved in religion and don't feel it is based on truth. So every atheist not only becomes a target, but is expected to be able to produce convincing arguments against the existence of God/Jesus. That can take what seems like forever, and I assure you that despite requests for "Why" they really don't want to hear convincing arguments. They want you to participate in their fantasy.

 

So there are different ways to handle the situation. There was even a thread on this recently about how you should respond when someone asks a quick question like, "Why don't you come to church anymore?"

 

The brief answers were generally along the lines of, "I just don't believe anymore" or something relatively non confrontational and noncommittal.

 

But if you're pressed for details, you might follow one of several approaches.

 

1. The way god is shown in the Old Testament is cruel, bloody and primative, just like you would expect from other bronze age gods of that part of the world. If that's their idea of god, it isn't mine.

2. Hell, as we are taught, is unimaginably cruel and eternal, and no earthly crime could warrant such punishment. It is unjust by any standards, even God's.

3. The bible is inconsistent, and the stories just don't match up to show what happened, even for the resurrection. If they can't get that right, how can they claim to know what God thinks?

4. There is no god that cures diseases or rescues people. They just suffer and die. Humans cure diseases and rescue people, and to thank God for something humans have done for themselves is nonsense, especially when others that pray do no better than those who have no religion.

5. How many ancient gods are there? Why did people think those gods were real? And are other religions all wrong just because they aren't Christians? If I'm a Christian because I was born in America, would I go to hell if I were born in India or Pakistan? What is even remotely fair or just about that?

 

These are only starting points, and only a few of many possible ones. If they press for details, you'll probably get bogged down in some scriptural discussion, or apologetics, and you can bone up on such things here or on some atheist web sites if you want, but it is best not to push the point too hard. They will see you as proselytizing even if they brought the subject up.

[viridia]

So I guess my questions are: Is there anyone else who was/is in my situation? How did you get over the fear of telling them the true reasons why you left Christianity? I'm not worried they will disown me, or my boyfriend will leave me; but I suppose I am afraid of what they will think when I tell them my reasons for leaving.

 

Thank you,

--viridia

Just a small request. You use of size=1 is hard for some of us older folk to read. Could you use the default size?

 

Yes, my apologies! (:

 

Thank you both so much for your replies; they have been very helpful. I'm looking forward to more!

[Overcame Faith]

Viridia,

 

Yours is an interesting question. You appear already to have satisfied yourself enough to have deconverted from Christianity, but your concern is being able to tell others in a convincing way why you did so. I wonder if it is them that you are worried about convincing or yourself. My suggestion is that you not worry about what you say to others at this point. Rather, think very carefully about what it was that made you deconvert so you fully understand your own reasons. Once you understand those reasons, then take them one at a time and do some research on them. There is a lot of information on the internet or you could read some well written books on the subject. Do this until you are convinced in your own mind that deconversion was the right thing and that your reasons for deconversion (even if those reasons change somewhat during your research) were well founded.

 

I deconverted before I had gone through the Bible in detail and studied it and learned about the inconsistencies, the harshness of the god of the bible, the cruelty of the hell doctrine, etc. After I deconverted, I began carefully studying these things and then learned that I had done the right thing. It's okay to deconvert for reasons that are not convincing to others. There are good reasons not to be a Christian which you can begin to learn now and which will, if you are like me, convince you that you did the right thing.

 

In other words, don't worry about convincing others right now. Rather, spend time making sure you are confortable with your own deconversion. Once you do understand and are comfortable with it, if you still need to explain your deconversion in a convincing way, you will be fully prepared to do so.

[lonelee]

Hi viridia.

 

I might be able to relate to a degree. However, I'm not sure if your reasons and my reasons would be the same. I 'clam up' when talking to family and friends, mainly because I'm so much an introvert and don't like confrontation. But what's helped me a ton is really knowing my 'stuff' first. That way, I'm not afraid I'll be proven wrong in what research I've done. But also focusing on what may have started your deconversion might help, and make your deconversion all about you. Don't make Christians feel dumb for continuing to believe. Rather, show them that it simply wasn't for you. And show them why, using personal experiences coupled with real emotions. Remember when you were a Christian and you tried to connect with people by using the emotional response tactic? (The creator of the universe loves YOU! Jesus wants a personal relationship with you!) It can work the other way, too. Plus it helps to disarm even the most devout Christian if you're not attacking their belief, but rather come across as putting yourself 'out there'. Just my two cents. Basically just try and be as objective as possible in your research and really know your stuff, make it personal, and do not mock or attack. Hope it helps you.

[Shyone]

You know, I just thought of an idea. Perhaps writing out your thoughts on paper (or digitally) might help, and including specifics in some paragraphs. It would help you remember, and it would give you things you may want to check on in more detail anyway.

 

Kind of an digital deconversion diary. DDD.

 

Under categories of cruel bible passages, you might jot down some that particularly have riled you and you'll have them for easy referrence - specifics.

 

Under the category of "The Problem of Evil" you might include evil that should be addressed by an omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent god - and a few articles specifically detailing things like missing children found dead, earthquake victims, diseases (including cancer) that affect the innocent, etc.

 

You should probably include a succinct refutation of Pascal's Wager, because it always seems to come up in some form or another. "What have you got to lose by believing?"

 

Whatever you find disconcerting about your religion (Hell, mythology as religion, prayers that don't work) you might look into and detail how you feel about them.

 

And so forth.

 

I did that in diary form, and it turned into a book (not for human consumption).