My Lttle Closet

[Ancey]

Hello, y'all.

 

I'm quite new the forums, but not to the site- I've had one short rant published (which I am quite proud of, but I have not taken any opportunity to brag about.)

 

Since I have become an Agnostic Atheist (with a side of Buddhist mixed in), I realized I have realized what it is like to be gay.

 

I am a gal who likes guys, but I have realized there is an eery similarity in plights between the gay community and the non-believer community.

 

And mostly, I feel like I am in the closet in regards to parts of my family AND a lot of my friends.

 

The only people who I have revealed I am an atheist (for ease of conversation, I tend to label myself this, as "agnostic atheist secular humanist Buddhist is a mouth-full) are non-christian themselves. A couple of my younger cousins (one of whom has a deep enthusiasm for Buddhism, the other two are agnostic, though one of them suddenly has a label of Catholic on their facebook. No idea where that came from.) and a few friends who have been agnostic, pagan, or atheist.

 

I am also a still a high-schooler. My de-conversion sprung up around the summer, and became full-blown in November after losing both my beloved Uncle and Father within the span of two months (it seemed the mental declaration of atheism came after these events, but I was very much agnostic throughout the entire period)

 

For the past several months of my final year of high school, I have been godless- and several, several of my friends are Christian. An overwhelming majority. I know quite a few who attend church regularly, have started to go to church again, wear crosses as necklaces, have gone to bible camps, and even gone on missions. Those friends I mentioned who I've told: there are 5 of them that know I'm an atheist. My childhood best friend, and my best source of confiding, is a pagan, and accepted my atheism quite gladly. Thanks goodness for her, she is a great friend.

 

But the past few months, my change in faith (or lack thereof) has felt like a barrier. They don't know, but I WANT them to know- to get this secret out. I feel almost every day lately, that perhaps today will be the day that I shall open my mouth and say "I am an atheist" or "I don't believe in God." A lot of my best friends don't know this very integral part of how I think of the world. Don't understand it. I almost want to tell them to test how good of a friend they are- will they just shrug, and say "that's alright" or will they turn on me and proselytize? Or will they be curious and unsure themselves- questioning their faith, too?

 

How can I possibly bring up this issue to them in polite conversation? I do want to tell them, because it is a secret that I don't WANT to be a secret. Yet I've been afraid of misunderstanding and anger toward me. Not necessarily from friends, but from others- if this word spreads, there are plenty of others in my school of faith who are absolute jerks to anyone not like them- even other Christians. There are bullies who through full water bottles at a Sophomore whose an effeminate gay male, scream at him for being a 'faggot'. I know very violent near-fundamental kids who do scare the crap out of me. I don't want to be targeted, but I want to get my secret out to my friends.

 

All I ask for here, at this moment, is some tips on how I can possibly tell my good friends who are Christian- how any of you guys did it. I want to tell my friends before graduation, and I've considered various ways that I'm not sure about- change my religious views status from nothing to "Atheist" blatantly on facebook, so I won't see initial reactions. Or just out and out ask friends "what would you think if I said I was an atheist?" Or say "I have a secret I've been wanting to tell you, but I haven't been sure how you would react."

 

Yeah- the hardest part of my de-conversion seems to be trying to tell my friends who always thought I was a good Lutheran Christian Girl that I am faithless and happily so... aside from my sense of not being able to tell them so.

[par4dcourse]

Hi Ancey and welcome to the forums.

 

I can only imagine the bigotry my gay friends endure(d), but I agree that there too is a certain social stigma to non-christian views. Parents and employers are paramount, but friends and associates figure in too.

 

Friends that can't accept that you are questioning christianity aren't real friends, and will become increasingly grating as you move away from religous practices.

 

Pick your "discussions" carefully, be well prepared for questions, and remember that the bible is an atheist's best friend.

 

We're always around for moral support here.

 

--Larry

[Shyone]

Hi Ancey and welcome to the forums.

 

I can only imagine the bigotry my gay friends endure(d), but I agree that there too is a certain social stigma to non-christian views. Parents and employers are paramount, but friends and associates figure in too.

 

Friends that can't accept that you are questioning christianity aren't real friends, and will become increasingly grating as you move away from religous practices.

 

Pick your "discussions" carefully, be well prepared for questions, and remember that the bible is an atheist's best friend.

 

We're always around for moral support here.

 

--Larry

I agree with this, although once leaving Christianity, religion becomes just another thing I don't believe and church another thing I don't do.

 

When asked, I would answer - mostly honestly unless the person were obviously batshit crazy. It's really no ones business unless you decide to be come an atheist activist - a proselytizer if you will.

 

When you meet people that ask, "Have you found Jesus yet?", you probably find it annoying. I would be annoyed by someone asking, "Have you lost Jesus yet?" It's the same thing basically.

 

Forest Gump answered, "I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him" which is relatively noncommittal. A good arsenal of humorous responses will keep you amused even if your friends aren't amused.

 

Stephen Wright dryly commented, "Last summer I thought I was going to be rich. A friend said that he found Jesus, but he meant something else."

[Ancey]

I don't really want to be an activist at the moment, I just feel like I want to let my friends know that I am an atheist. It'd be like telling them "Yeah, I'm Jewish. We can leave it at that or if you have questions, go ahead and ask."

 

Mostly, I feel like my secret is distracting me a lot, and I want to get it off my chest desperately.

[Animania]

Being someone who is in the closet myself I understand. I'm not in High School anymore and all my friends know, but it's my family and more specifically my mother that I don't know how to tell. My Dad's death brought her closer to religion while it pulled me further and further away. I was really thinking this easter would force the issue, but I didn't get one church invite and was not asked to pray at Easter dinner at my Mom's. I guess I have the same problem since I can't just go up to her and say "hey mom, guess what...".

 

If your school is as hostile as you make it sound, do you think you can persevere through the end of the year. You said this is your last year right? That's just a couple months away, and then you can just let your real friends know and find out really who your real friends are. If you are about to burst with the news, the converse is true. It's just a couple months of school left, and almost half of that time would be gone certainly just getting that gossip that you are a non believer out to general knowledge right?

[StevoMuso]

I know how you feel - you've had a profound life-changing discovery and losing your religion has most probably been a liberating experience. It's only natural that you would want to share this with your friends, but fear that they may not "get" the whole thing or understand the depth of your experience, and perhaps even think differently of you in a way that leads to rejection etc.

 

My view is that atheism doesn't really define us as humans and it shouldn't be something that bothers you too much. I have found that if I just go about my life in a normal way ... doing the things that make me happy and functional as an individual (you know, do your school-work, play your sport, hobbies, visit friends etc.) ... then religion simply does not enter the equation (or conversation). If your friends ask you directly about religion just say you are not very religious and leave it at that. Live your life ... enjoy and treasure every moment ... religion is a thing you used to do a long time ago so it's no longer an important issue.

 

If your friends are worth their salt, "knowing" or "not knowing" about your religious views should not be relevant.

[Ancey]

I know how you feel - you've had a profound life-changing discovery and losing your religion has most probably been a liberating experience. It's only natural that you would want to share this with your friends, but fear that they may not "get" the whole thing or understand the depth of your experience, and perhaps even think differently of you in a way that leads to rejection etc.

 

My view is that atheism doesn't really define us as humans and it shouldn't be something that bothers you too much. I have found that if I just go about my life in a normal way ... doing the things that make me happy and functional as an individual (you know, do your school-work, play your sport, hobbies, visit friends etc.) ... then religion simply does not enter the equation (or conversation). If your friends ask you directly about religion just say you are not very religious and leave it at that. Live your life ... enjoy and treasure every moment ... religion is a thing you used to do a long time ago so it's no longer an important issue.

 

If your friends are worth their salt, "knowing" or "not knowing" about your religious views should not be relevant.

 

I have been going about my life quite normally- after all, I'm preparing for college, and this year I was in the Senior Class Christmas Play (as the lead, no less! It was "It's a Wonderful Life", and I actually had to give a short prayer, onstage, knowing quite well I was an atheist. Oh, the irony!) and I'm still active in all sorts of stuff, even donating blood quite happily. I wasn't incredibly social to begin with, but I still have lots of friends who I talk to in school.

 

It's just been for years I was a Lutheran- my friends knew this to be true- but it's not true anymore, and I don't want the misconception.

 

I did come rather close to spilling the beans earlier this year. Religion did come up in a lunch-time conversation, mostly about how "Only God knows when the world will end", and I replied "I'm sure the earth will be around a lot longer than any of us." We did get into arguing about the Big Bang and that my friend said God had to have created the universe, because everything needs a creator. And I did get her with "But then who created God?" Luckily, the conversation sort of ended around there, and even my friends were like "yeah, I did wonder about that..."

 

There are a few volatile kids at school- and that's precisely the reason why I haven't told anyone, really, aside from others who I also know to be out of the norm, who it is safe to share a secret with. I have used the phrase to some adults of "Oh, I was raised a Lutheran" (no lie, but avoiding the truth) and such. I eventually do want my friends to know that no, I am not a Lutheran, I am an Atheist.

 

I guess I do want to test the integrity of my friendships- I know my good friends will be okay with it in the end- and those who don't were not good friends to begin with if they can't look past it. But I feel like waiting too long is like lying, too. If they think I couldn't trust them with such a secret, I also wonder how they would feel about that.

[Jedah]

Just beware that as a teenager you will inevitably be thrown into the teenage rebellion/lincoln park camp.

 

Of course, atheists aren't actually like that, but this is what pop culture and lying scumbag pastors tell people about teenagers who leave the faith so you will have to put up with the poor understanding.

[Ancey]

Just beware that as a teenager you will inevitably be thrown into the teenage rebellion/lincoln park camp.

 

Of course, atheists aren't actually like that, but this is what pop culture and lying scumbag pastors tell people about teenagers who leave the faith so you will have to put up with the poor understanding.

 

Haha, I went through that phase in Middle-school (at least the linkin park, crap. I still have all their CDs, but I can't listen to half of them any more without thinking "man, I was so EMO back then.")

 

My leaving of faith was actually rather simple, as I was never heavily indoctrinated, was raised to do my best and understand things... From an early age, I didn't read fiction books- I read Eye-witness books about science and history. I was reading about Dinosaurs before I went to church. My parents weren't heavily religious- my Dad certainly wasn't, but my Mom was raised Apostolic and converted and we don't attend church (aside from forcing me to go to Bible Study for my confirmation, which even she acknowledges as just a formality for things like weddings of friends and stuff).

 

No one would think me rebellious from any aspect aside from this- I don't dress in any particularly rebellious way- I get shockingly good grades, I get along with all my teachers, and I've never gotten in trouble with school, the law, anything. I don't drink, part, smoke, or do anything very rebellious in that regard. I used to be a tomboy, but I grew out of that phase by the time I got to high school. My mom doesn't know I'm an atheist, but I suspect she is quite (a)gnostic/skeptic in reality. I don't plan to tell her for some time, hopefully. I want to actually wait for a few years, and just continue testing the waters.

[Carmen]

I'm going through kind of the same thing myself; trying to decide how to tell my friends, who to tell and who not to tell. I think the best way would be to do it gradually and naturally. I've only told a few people so far because I don't think announcing it to the world would be a good idea at this point. I know how it feels though, it's incredibly hard not to tell people. I just hate being dishonest and trying to fake it.

[Guest Valk0010]

My family doesn't know my friends do.

 

I had a habit of picking up non religious friends, for some reason, so that is why I expect, surprise was the general consensus.

[lunaticheathen]

I know how you feel. I didn't keep my secret of leaving christianity for very long though, simply because I'm a bad liar. I freaked my mother out, first with trying out Baha'i (which she called a "muslim cult), then she found my books on paganism, which I have since settled on. Try coming out as a pagan in the Deep South, Alabama no less. My mother kicked me out of the house. She's calmed down considerably, but I still get the feeling she doesn't exactly approve. Her problem.

One thing that was easier with me leaving christianity, however, is even though I went to a christian school, I didn't really have any friends there. A blessing in disguise, since I was pretty well shunned from the outset. I made better friends at a magnet school, and they understood - hell, my roommate (boarding school) helped me in my studies of Stregheria, being a witch herself. If I hadn't had her to talk to those first couple of years, I would have exploded.

I think if you really fear for your safety, it might be best to wait until graduation. I think you'll find college a great deal more free when it comes to being open about your views. I know college was FAR better for me than any part of grade school. I made friends there I'm still in touch with, whether they share my views or not.

[Franko47]

Don't have anything to really add, Ancey, but it's sad when we have to worry about telling our friends and family that we know longer believe in imaginary beings and an imaginary "history" and imaginary magical processes for which there is not one shred of empirical evidence.

 

Anyway, good luck.

[Loren]

If your school is as hostile as you make it sound, do you think you can persevere through the end of the year. You said this is your last year right? That's just a couple months away, and then you can just let your real friends know and find out really who your real friends are. If you are about to burst with the news, the converse is true. It's just a couple months of school left, and almost half of that time would be gone certainly just getting that gossip that you are a non believer out to general knowledge right?

Welcome, Ancey.

 

I'd agree with what Animania said. It's just a short time until you're out of that general situation. As someone who's gone through the leaving high-school experience years ago, I can tell you that a great many of your friends will fall away just due to the circumstance of not seeing each other all the time. The ones that stick with you are more likely to be true friends. This is even more true of those bullies who aren't even friends with you, but who you don't want to cross (Pardon the pun.).

 

I'd say, let the school year run it's course, even if you feel like you're bursting with pent-up truth about yourself. Let the change in social situation be your first filter of who your friends are, then, after that's happened, think about who and how you want to tell.