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Goodbye Jesus

I Am Going To Have To Face Them All At Once


Gracie

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I got the news this morning that a good friend from my old church died suddenly yesterday. I am honestly devastated - there are not that many people from the group that I would have continued to talk to or care about after leaving, but this woman is one of them. She was honestly the kind of woman you couldn't have a nasty word to say about. She was in her 30s, with two small boys and a loving husband. One of her babies is only 3 months old :( They still don't know what cause of death was. She just went upstairs briefly while one of our other friends was in the house, and when our friend went up to her she'd just stopped breathing.

 

They suspect some form of embolism, but we won't know for sure until a postmortem has been conducted. I've hardly stopped crying since I was told this morning. I'm in bits. She was such a beautiful, wonderful person with a good heart who would turn no-one away who came to her for help. She was truly one of the good ones, and I mean that sincerely. She was there for me when almost no-one else in the church was, and I just can't believe she's gone. I'm devastated. My own grandmother died about 3 weeks ago at 95, and I think I am somehow more... hysterical, about this girl's death than hers, partly because it's such a shock. She had no ongoing health problems. It's just out of nowhere.

 

I'm worried about the funeral. I know that most of the attendees, including her own husband, will be people from my former church congregation. I haven't explained to most of them my situation with my change in beliefs, only the ones I was sufficiently close to as people. I just stopped going. I'm so wary of opening my mouth or saying anything - because the funeral will be neither time nor place for theological discussion or declaring myself agnostic. I'm just scared that I'll be cornered into it by some of the more... hardcore... people. I don't want to explain myself there or all times/places, both for my own sake and because I am terrified of hurting the feelings of people who are already in pain, who may not be doing the questioning but be there to overhear. I know I'm going to be bordering on the hysterical at this funeral. I'm teetering on the verge of tears just writing this, so I don't know if I'll be in a position to be assertive with the whole issue. I hope it won't happen.

 

The last thing I want is to make it clear to people who have lost someone they love (because she was loved by everyone who knew her, including me), that actually, I'm not entirely sure that this woman who was an angel on earth is now an angel in Judeo-Christian heaven. I don't want to admit there that I don't know if she's gone to better place or not. With all of my heart, I hope she is. But I don't know. I don't know what to say or do. I'm heartbroken, for myself as well as her wonderful family.

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Sorry for your loss.

 

If people badger you about where you're going to church now, or the nature of your beliefs, I'd just remind them that "Today is not about me. Let's focus on helping her family through this." and leave it at that.

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((HUGS))

 

I agree with florduh...if someone does try to confront you, just tell them it's not about you right now, and it can be discussed another time.

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I don't know if this is even good advice, but I'd go one step further and just wear the Christian face. Saying that 'this day is not about me' might seem a bit conspicuous, and cause more questions to arise. If you can muster up the strength, I'd just agree she's with Jesus now. And if they ask why you haven't been in church (and insist on an answer), there's always the 'I'm currently looking at different churches' or 'I've been attending a church with a friend from work'. As far as your apostasy, drop the bomb on a more festive occasion, like Christmas!

 

By the way, I too, am sorry for your loss. Take care.

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You must be devastated - it's never easy coping with this level of loss. I agree with the above posts. The funeral will most definitely be about the close friends/family trying to cope, and there will be plenty of "we'll meet her again in Heaven" and "she's at peace now" and "it was God's will" (that one always pisses me off).

 

My view is that you should "play the game" - not for any other reason than that it is the moral thing to do under the circumstances. It will not be hypocritical to "put on your Christian face" and simply say "amen" in as much of a non-condescending way as you can muster while trying to cope with your own grief.

 

We wish you all the strength to get through this tough time, Gracie, and a natural progression through the grieving process.

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Florduh pretty much nailed it. If it comes up just deflect it using something like what has been said. Just basically say you're not going to go into any of that because that's not why you're there. If they persist (usually they don't) then just tell them you don't want to discuss it and "be" somewhere else...walk away. You're upset as it is and you don't have to put up with anything from these people that you don't want to be bothered with.

 

When my friend died suddenly a couple years back they tried to posthumously convert him during the service. Pissed me off. I had to tolerate it because it was during the service. That made his older relatives (and a couple younger ones I guess) feel good and happy. Afterward I commented on how crappy that was and most agreed. Then we just talked about the times we had with him and ignored the religious crap altogether. That's what it was about anyhow. A memorial for him. Not a "jesus"-fest.

 

If they talk about "jesus" change the focus back to something that actually matters or walk away if that can't happen.

 

mwc

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Keep your head high, and remember you are paying respects to the dead, not to God. Likely there will be a big religious thing, and maybe you can find a way to skip that part respectfully. If they talk to you always brings the conversation to your good memories of the person.

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I just wanted to add that I recently went back home for my great uncle's funeral - and most of my mother's family (who are all christians in one form or another) were there. It really never came up - if they were saying things about seeing him in heaven, I just stood there politely but silent. I was respectful during prayers, but didn't close my eyes or bow my head - I did the same thing when they sang a couple hymns. No one seemed to notice, or if they did, it wasn't big enough for them to worry about talking to me about it.

 

I was a bit surprised that things were as calm as they were, but I sometimes think WE over think people's reactions. Chances are, they won't even notice if you just avoid saying anything about where the person is. If you are respectful and silent, especially at funerals, most people will leave you alone.

 

My brother was the only other non-christian at the entire funeral, and I wasn't aware that he wasn't until we sat and chatted the next day when I found out he was "spiritual but not religious, and definitely not christian." No one bothered either of us, and the only person the entire weekend to say anything to me was my mom, and she was just asking about my current thoughts during a game we were playing...even our hard core pentecostal friends, although a bit obnoxious with all the jeebus and god talk, never directly confronted me - and my mom said they are like that all the time and actually get on her nerves with it LOL! Whenever anyone said something about god providing for them (or similar comments) I'd just politely smile and stay silent or respond to the actual thing we were talking about, essentially ignoring the god comments. It didn't seem to bother or offend anyone.

 

As long as you don't over analyze things, you will probably find most people pretty much ignore or don't notice that you're not constantly talking about jeebus. Unless you bring it up, they will most likely assume you are still a christian, and won't ask.

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I went through the same thing late last year when my best friend's mom died suddenly. I was just about shitting bricks the whole fucking time. I also felt like a giant asshole because I was fixated on myself to the point that her death was incidental. (I do indeed remember her fondly, she was awesome.) I hadn't experienced that much cognitive dissonance in a long old time.

 

See, I remain in the closet as far as my old church crowd is concerned, but only for the sake of my brother. If my old crowd finds out, he would find out, and the potential results are unpredictable but with an uncomfortably high probability of tragedy. (His mental health balances on a knife's edge; I worry that the news could cause him to completely fucking snap.) Fortunately, I live several hundred miles away from them now, and that has helped things immensely. You wanna know how to effectively escape the orbit of your (potentially) meddlesome old church crowd? 250 miles of distance or more!

 

There were some real hair-raisingly awkward moments, and I felt like the biggest fucking fake ever. Towards the end I had to tell a little white lie: "Oh, I'm... in between churches at the moment." Then I fretted for a few weeks afterward because several of them said they would call me, and the wife of my former youth pastor (the one who led me to the Lard; thank God he wasn't there because he would've seen through my shit in an instant) told me she was going to have him call me. Fortunately, no calls.

 

I hope I don't have to see those people again. I was genuinely glad to see some of them, and I wish none of them any ill, but... I just want to bury that whole thing without it coming back to bite me in the ass.

 

Time will tell, I suppose.

 

Edited to add: here's the link to the thread where you get to read the story as it unfolded.

 

Best friend's mom died.

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Sorry about your loss.

 

Sorry I don't have much to say, but I do hope that the funeral goes well and that everyone can move on and that there is healing for the pain.

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