My walk with god, then walking out

[Angel]

This is probably going to be long, so please have patience with me

 

OK, here we go....

My christian walk was started through my father. He was in pursuit of the truth after he had a NDE. He wanted to be sure that if he was going to die, that he knew the truth before he did. So he started to study the bible non-stop. He then met up with an old friend of his, a church friend, and he was invited to come to church and he went. Well, not long after that, my father was very strict and his belief was strong. It was in 1992, I converted to christianity after almost 2 years of being drilled about how I should go to church, should accept christ as my savior, all that.

 

It was an Apostolic Pentecostal Jesus Only Church. I had only went to church when I was a child for a short time, it was a Lutheran church and nothing like my new "christian family". I remember my first day at this church. People were hoopin and hollering and I thought that they were wiggin out...thought they were crazy. Little did I know I should have stuck with that thought.

Things seemed to be ok at first, but then everything started going sour.

 

I was taught that I had to speak in tongues to be saved. I could not understand why god would not save me, because for a long time I didn't speak in tongues. I remember trying and trying, begging and begging for god to save me, to allow me to speak in tongues, and it would not come. I was so upset. I just could not grasp why he was rejecting me.

 

Then it happened. After a long, drawn out prayer meeting, people circling around me like I was a piece of meat and they were hungry lions, with their hands on me, hollering and speaking in tongues in my ear, coaching me to "keep praising him!". I can see now what really happened. The pressure was intense, I was the "spotlight" of attention, emotions were racing, I opened my mouth and jibber-jabber came out. Everyone was praising god and thanking him for saving me...and then I was told I needed baptized, so I did it. I thought I was finally saved, finally got what I was wanting so bad. Be careful what you want, you just may get it, I did.

 

Now that I have become "one of them", this is where the demands started kicking in. I could not wear pants at ANY time, no jewelry, no make up, had to have long hair, etc. If I did not abide by it, I was an abomination to god and he would reject me. I was also told that I had to speak in tongues everyday, practice it. (Right there that confused me, because how can you practice a language that is god given, and you are not suppose to be able to do so on your own) I remember one time I was at the alter praying, the pastor came up, took my hand and started picking off the nail polish on my finger. I gave him a WTF look, and he stated, "Apostolic women do not wear nail polish". My reponse was, "who said I was apostolic" and jerked my hand out of his. By this time, insults and orders were starting. I am overweight and like most people, was insecure about it. The minister's wife came up to me one night and said, "You are too pretty to be heavy". That statement really ticked me off and it hurt. Another time, I was looking through their yard sale items, picking out clothing for my father. A lady spoke up in the group and said, "OH praise god!!! He will finally have something decent to wear." Boy that pissed me off. Why would someone say something like that? I won't get into all the statements, because there are just too many.

 

One night at bible study, (which by the way, we HAD to be there EVERYTIME the door was open...ugh I remember those days) we were studying about tongues. This is when I had a small eye opener, but not enough to make me leave christianity. Well, one and one were not adding up. It was about how when someone is speaking in tongues, how there should be order, and I was not seeing it. He was also taking scripture and "making" it say what he wanted. Can not remember every detail, but I remember speaking up in the middle of the study, asking him questions, and he was dodging them. It was that moment, I started to have small doubts in the book that I held so dear, and the doctrine that I lived by.

 

Although I was starting to have doubts about their doctrine, that was not the reason I left this church to go somewhere else. I wanted to get married to my boyfriend, who was also going to church with me. The minister said that we had to go through counseling with him, for about 6 weeks, and by the time he was done with us, we might not want to be married. (Sounds promising doesn't it?) Well, we agreed to it. However, everytime there was an appointment made, he kept calling it off. It was clear to me what was going on. I had a feeling before that they did not approve, which I found out that they didn't. Well, I got pissed and said the hell with it, called another minister and he agreed to marry us, no questions asked. We invited people to from our church to the wedding, but behind our back, the minister had a meeting and told them no one was allowed to go. The friend that started my dad going to this church came over one night. I asked him why he could not go to the wedding, he said "I refuse to step foot in a church that does not baptize in jesus name." I said, "I am not inviting you to a baptism, I am inviting you to a wedding." He said that he could not go against the pastor. It really mad my father angry. We all, (my dad, mom, me and my boyfriend) left the church . Later on, after we did get marrried, (BTW, HAHA TO YOU IDIOTS THAT DID NOT WANT US TO!!!! ) the minister came by the house. My dad was up one side of him and down the other. He even went as far as to saying, "Your congregation can not even take a dump without permission!" I wanted to laugh so hard.

(I am really going to try and shorten this...this is getting pretty long)

Well, we started attending the church that I was married in. Things were ok, but it was not enough for me. It was the same message over and over and over and over. That was getting BORING! I used to sing with a friend of mine. Because I was married, they did not feel that I should be singing with him, it did not look right... yada yada, and then the rumours started that I had feelings for him. Well, between being bored and the rumours, I had enough. Was not going to put up with the crap again. I left the church and I stayed out of church for sometime.

 

THIS is when the disbelief started rolling. It was shortly after we left the church, my father died. I was so angry at god. I believed that god could heal him. I prayed, fasted, did all that I was suppose to do, yet my father still died. I held god accountable for it. It took me a long time to forgive god, but I finally did. We were invited to a church of god. We decided to go and at first we LOVED it. The music was upbeat, the preaching was good and the people seemed to be really nice. I felt that I needed to be in a church because that is what my dad would have wanted, plus it was pounded into my head that you HAD to be there. So, we started attending, soon after became members.

 

It was one Sunday night, the associate pastor was preaching. He was preaching about healing. (the touchy subject with me) He said that it is never god's fault that we are not healed. He then went on to say, if you are not healed, you have lack of faith, without faith it is impossible to please god. If you lack faith, you have doubt, you have doubt, you have sin, if you have sin, you are not saved..... OH that got under my skin like RIGHT NOW. After the sermon, I pulled him off to the side. I said, "SO you are telling me my dad is in hell right now?" He said, no no no, and went on to "explain" that when we are not healed, it is never god's fault, that it is available, we just to not take it... blah blah, and he had a cold that would not go away, so there is something in his life that god wants him to be rid of... yada yada, and then I said, "So, you are telling me that my dad is in hell right now? We all have to die by being hit by a semi and not natural causes?" He pretty much brushed me off but I tell ya, that pissed me off in the worst way. Even with that, I stuck it out.

While I was attending this church at night, my husband and I started Sunday School teaching at another church to help them out. THIS was the beginning and the end right here.

 

Everything was going ok, until the time when my mom got cancer. She was not given long. I went to church for comfort and got everything BUT. I was told that if I HAD enough faith, that my mother would be healed... that I should not claim or accept anything the doctors said. "Don't claim that sister, in jesus name!" They said that if I had the faith that I should, I could speak to that tumor and it would be gone. Not only was I getting this bullshit, but NO ONE came from the church to see my dying mother... NOT EVEN THE MINISTER! You have NO IDEA how bad this pissed me off. She was a member of their church and they treated her this way. A few days later she died. The seed that they planted being my fault played horrific games with me. Not one of them showed for the funeral either. I had the minister of the other chruch do the service. Some family!!!! Well, we then started attending the church we were teaching at full time.

 

We had taught Sunday School for over a year, and the minister that did my mom's service was new there. She had started 2 weeks before my mom died. She SEEMED to be pretty nice. After my mother died, you can say I was a mental case, mental mush. I was "gone" for quite some time. My head was in a fog and I could not see truth or lie if it bit my nose. She and I became pretty good friends. This is when I saw a side of her that most of the people at the church did not see. She would back stab people, lie, steal, physically abuse her child, and plus she was having an affair behind her husband's back. You would THINK that it would be enough for me to leave right? Nope, I was a jellyfish. She had a way to guilt trip me into anything. Bitch say, Angel do... no questions. However, something was starting to click with me teaching Sunday School. See, in order to teach it, you have to learn it, which I did to some degree, believe me, I am no scholar. Things again were not adding up. I questioned the minister and she said it is like someone seeing an accident, they all see the same thing, but have a different story, a different outlook, same accident. Well, fine and dandy, but was not enough for me. I started to study more and more, finding more and more that bothered me. Things just did not make any sense to me, the whole salvation thing... one man messed up so we are all paying for it? Someone kills someone in your neighborhood, so I guess the whole neighborhood should die? It just was not settling right with me anymore. This and many other things.

This "minister" ever went as far as to try to break up my marriage. We were having problems because of all the stress of my mom's passing. We almost lost our home, we had bills now that we didn't before, and we were fighting like cats and dogs. She was trying to push me in the arms of someone else... IT ALMOST WORKED. Like I said, I was in a fog, my head was up my ass. She was saying that my husband was not a godly man, and I needed someone that was....that my husband was not treating me right, he did not love me... yada yada. This guy that I used to be friends with was pushed toward me by her. He had a lot on his plate as well. He was in the service and going over seas and was worried. She almost succeeded but I put a stop to it. This is when it started to get ugly between me and her... when I got my head OUT of my ass. I started to wake up! I was starting to see things for what they really were. Between the bible not making sense and her showing "fruits of her spirit" I was at the end of my rope, the last straw.

She really believes that it is HER that is going to bring revival to this county.. it is HER that is going to be this big time preacher... HER that is the center of it all... well, what is in the center of two buttocks... there ya go. I just could not handle her mentally any longer. I had been through enough. There is SOOOO much more, but I do not want to get into it. Believe me, there are TONS of stuff on my chest about this bitch.

After I left the church, I visited another church, only 3 times, and then I washed my hands of church all together. They were teaching that you can not volunteer your time unless you were paying tithes. That was it, I was done. I still was a believer, but refused to go to church because of all the BS. So, I started studying the bible on my own. My dad was one that studied everything about the bible, used to have a library here loaded with all his books. People considered him a minister, he was really bible smart. I wanted to know it like he did, so I started reading it, not like a novel, but picking out subject matters and going from there. I started to see contradictions and so I started to go online to see what others had thought about what I was seeing. It was then I stumbled across this site. I started to see that all this time, giving my life to christianity, that I had been deceived all those years....I knew it deep down, but I guess seeing it on here really hit home. I will never forgive myself for wasting all the years I did. I was already heading to being an ex-christian, but this site had showed me that I was right about my thoughts. People want to say that I lacked faith, I lacked this and that, but you know, it was the BIBLE that turned me against the BIBLE. I just needed to find others that were struggling with this as well. I stuck it out for the most part in those churches until I just could not take it anymore. I stayed for YEARS at a time, not just 1 month, 2 months, YEARS. I could take some abuse, but not to the levels that I was getting it. There is a lot I have not posted, there is just so much and it would take a month of Sundays to type it all out.

Well, there ya have it... that is how I ended up here. Hope that I made some sense!!

[pandora]

Wow... that's one of the more dramatic stories I have heard. I am overweight too, and I have heard that comment.

 

Anyways, welcome and feel free to vent as much as you need!

[Eponymic]

That is one hell of a story Angel. Glad you found us. Hope your marriage & life are feeling mucho happier nowadays.

[Angel]

Believe me, I could write a book on all the shit....there was plenty of it.

[Guest phoenixron]

Believe me, I could write a book on all the shit....there was plenty of it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

You should. All of this religion crap has to come out in the open, but be prepared to be roasted over the coals by the gentle believers.

 

phoenixron

[shakinshoog]

stay strong and live for you and your family!