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Goodbye Jesus

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HadouKen24

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Hi. I'm HadouKen24. I'm from the internet. Nice ta meetcha.

 

Since this is my first post here, I might as well make it count. I've never really given a full account of my path out of Christianity; sounds like a good topic.

 

So here's my story.

 

My parents are religiously and politically conservative Presbyterians. Devoted to principle, they decided that homeschooling their children would be the best way to bring them up. I'm the oldest of four. Homeschooling suited me just fine. I was the skinny weird kid who always had an oversized book written for kids several years ahead of where I was supposed to be. Every Sunday, we'd pack everyone into the station wagon and head to the church my dad grew up in--a different building, but still the same church. I suppose it's just as well that I never spent much time in public schools; I never managed to make friends at church, even among the copious number of other homeschooled kids my age. I was too weird. Too concerned with ideas and interesting possibilities. And probably too shy, as well.

 

I was a nice kid. Adults often told me I was mature for my age; I've always been quick on the uptake, and I learned that parroting certain ideas led to the approval of parents and other adult authorities. I was a bit lonely from time to time, of course. I had social interaction, but not as much as I would have liked. My friends, of course, were all other homeschoolers met through homeschool support groups and the like. And homeschool families in my state have exactly one variety worth mentioning: White, Christian, and extremely conservative.

 

As I entered my teen years, a stronger interest in females was not the only change. My parents were just a tad less conservative, and decided that it maybe was not optimum for all the kids to be homeschooled. Gradually, all the other kids started attending public schools. I didn't; I knew that I would have a really tough time fitting in. What changed for me was the breadth of my reading. I tentatively began investigating ideas that didn't fit into Christianity. I never questioned my faith, exactly. I just found them interesting. Buddhism says that suffering is caused by desire? Fascinating!

 

Around sixteen--that's four years or so ago, now--I was finally shocked into realizing how much my opinions differed from the conservative answers I had been fed. I went to a highly conservative workshop called TeenPact geared toward teaching homeschoolers about the government, and how to Get Involved in advancing the Kingdom from within the government itself. It was like a compressed review of the conservative political Christianity I had been fed. And I started seeing huge, glaring cracks. My friends' agreeing with me provided me with the emotional support to keep going.

 

Then I found out that there was a TeenPact forum, and a few of us started posting there. There were lots of discussions on topics from religious doctrines, to movies we should watch, to whether it's okay to play violent video games. I got a reputation as a fierce debater for positions unpopular there. I quickly learned the art of eviscerating a bad argument. Granted, I could be a bit of a prick on there from time to time. But then, I wasn't the only one, so perhaps that can be forgiven. I also learned how to do research on my own, using the internet and the local library. We still had a 56k modem, so people started complaining that it was hard to get through.

 

I found another forum with a much higher level of debate--but still dominated by conservative Christians. However, there was no one I knew in real life there, so I could feel free to investigate issues that I could not, perhaps, on the other, for fear of social ostracism. With the tools I gained there, I started questioning more and more of my faith. Evolution is a lie? Well, that's not what the evidence says. The Bible is infallible? My research doesn't quite support that hypothesis. The archives of that forum are lost, but you could probably follow my gradual change from a somewhat eccentric Christian to an out-and-out non-Christian.

 

One problem was that I was definitely a very spiritual person. Christianity used to be my outlet for spiritual expression. As I investigated, I learned intellectually that it was not a valid outlet, but my desire remained. Paradoxically, as I furiously investigated the truth intellectually, I searched desparately for another outlet. By now I've explored all kinds of "alternative spirituality," and never found anything I felt I could latch onto both intellectually and emotionally. Which isn't to say that I didn't try to fit things together. Those were some strange times in my life.

 

That's not the only problem I ran into, though. You see, all of this research and thought was either on my own, or on the forums. I never really discussed these things with people in person. I definitely didn't discuss them with my parents; I had learned too well that believing the right thing brought approval, and believing the wrong thing brought stern disapproval. I'm still financially dependent on my parents, so I still haven't really told them where I'm at right now, though they've known for some time that I'm not exactly a religious yes man. I doubt they'd completely blow their tops, but it wouldn't be a pleasant experience for anyone concerned. I'm still trying to find the right time and manner to give them the message. It tears me up to have misled them for this long, but I guess I haven't felt that I've had a choice.

 

It's been about a year and a half now that I have been able to say to myself that I'm not a Christian. I don't regret it. I can't stand people telling me what I should believe. I gained a real appreciation for aspects of Christianity, but I can't believe it just because some people might want me to.

 

And that's the story.

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Hi. I'm HadouKen24. I'm from the internet. Nice ta meetcha.

 

Greetings! Nice to meet you as well!

 

I got a reputation as a fierce debater for positions unpopular there. I quickly learned the art of eviscerating a bad argument. Granted, I could be a bit of a prick on there from time to time. But then, I wasn't the only one, so perhaps that can be forgiven. I also learned how to do research on my own, using the internet and the local library.

Boy, will YOU ever fit in around here! Head over to the debate forum and get your implements of torture ready. You'll find that there are plenty of ridiculous arguments in need of gutting.

 

It's been about a year and a half now that I have been able to say to myself that I'm not a Christian. I don't regret it. I can't stand people telling me what I should believe. I gained a real appreciation for aspects of Christianity, but I can't believe it just because some people might want me to.

 

And that's the story.

And an excellent, and all too familiar story it is. We've almost all been through something similar. Some are in the same boat as you in keeping the "awful secret" of unbelief from their parents. It isn't easy for them either.

 

Make yourself at home, HadouKen24. I believe you'll discover that you have found the proper environment that will nurture your thinking process. Congratulations on exercising your right to free thought! :woohoo:

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Welcome, HadouKen. You are certainly not alone among our members in being an apostate who's still under some dependency to his parents. If you have any needs for advice or feedback on particulars in your situation, you might try posting them in the Ex Christian Life forum. Or, better yet, perhaps you'll be able to offer some advice there.

 

In any case, welcome!

 

Loren

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Welcome HadouKen24,

 

I'm looking forward to your participation in the debates. We're having a lot of fun here! :grin:

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Thanks for the warm welcome, all.

 

Looks like a nice place you've got here. I think I'll hang around a little while. ^_^

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Thanks for the warm welcome, all.

 

Looks like a nice place you've got here. I think I'll hang around a little while. ^_^

 

Great!

 

It was nice seeing you in the shout box, also. That can be a lot of fun!

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