I Repent

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

 

Figure out what it is, you say its denial, but aren't sure, figure it out. But you didn't get my point, if your right, there is no point worry about it, because god could easily lie about heaven to, and you be going to hell. If god is not trustworthy, no point of worry about what it wants because you won't be able to truly figure out what it wants.

 

How about what you think about above.

 

Alright. I'm thinking about it. Like you said, if what I said is right, there's no point in worrying about it. But there's the catch... if I'm right. There's a good chance that I'm not.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I really don't think there's much I can say to make up for the way I've acted. The advice I've blown off, the annoying rants, all the failed attempts at changing things, all the times I said I was going to leave the forums, then come back and do the same thing all over again.... If I said I was leaving again, I would probably do the same thing again. Don't take my word for it. But, I have decided that I'm going to try to stop with the same predictable rants and venting my frustration to such an extent publically. I would still like to join in conversations and talk about things, and maybe post an update every now and then if I make any progress, but I'm going to try to keep my personal rants to myself to an extent. Maybe keep a journal, maybe find some way of organizing my thoughts on paper in a creative way. Because, to be honest, part of the reason I post here so much about my situation is because it's almost like I'm trying to lay it out for myself to read, so I can convince myself one way or the other. It's almost like I'm talking to myself in my posts to an extent. In the end, I'm the only one who can do anything about it. I can get the best advice, encouragement, and recources in the world (which I have gotten here) but it will all be in vain until I take some action myself. I'm through dumping my problems on everyone else. It's time I take some action and figure things out for myself.

[MagickMonkey]

Please do keep us posted. I hope everything works out well.

[Guest Valk0010]

 

Figure out what it is, you say its denial, but aren't sure, figure it out. But you didn't get my point, if your right, there is no point worry about it, because god could easily lie about heaven to, and you be going to hell. If god is not trustworthy, no point of worry about what it wants because you won't be able to truly figure out what it wants.

 

How about what you think about above.

 

Alright. I'm thinking about it. Like you said, if what I said is right, there's no point in worrying about it. But there's the catch... if I'm right. There's a good chance that I'm not.

Don't worry about probability, go by what you think, took me forever to get over the what if I am wrong stage. Then I realized, I know what i know, and I have to go on that. I can't take a leap of faith to believe. based off of something I haven't thought or discovered yet, its dishonest. I will worry about believing when I have thought or discovered the reason to make me believe. Till then I can only go on what I know, and if I am wrong, there is nothing at this stage I can do. And if there is a god that really cares about my soul and my needs, he will put the thing in front of me. He does after all want me saved. Mostly it comes down to what you know and why. Everybody here could be wrong, but we haven't seen the thing to prove us wrong, we don't know everything so it might be out there. You could be wrong, but till you discover it, you can't really wrangle on something that easily might not be there. You could be wrong, but how do you truly know your wrong, till you truly find out your wrong. Worry about probability of being wrong on something you based of your current knowledge base you think is right, is being a worrywart. Worry when you see your wrong, don't worry because you might be wrong. We might be wrong on alot of things, I might be wrong on politics, do I worry about the possibility of being wrong, no, because I will just change my views if I find I am wrong. Outside of the claims you think are bullshit like hell for example, its the exact same thing. It should follow the exact same pattern as other things. Become a christian if your convinced of it evidentcially not emotionally.

[Overcame Faith]

I really don't think there's much I can say to make up for the way I've acted. The advice I've blown off, the annoying rants, all the failed attempts at changing things, all the times I said I was going to leave the forums, then come back and do the same thing all over again.... If I said I was leaving again, I would probably do the same thing again. Don't take my word for it. But, I have decided that I'm going to try to stop with the same predictable rants and venting my frustration to such an extent publically. I would still like to join in conversations and talk about things, and maybe post an update every now and then if I make any progress, but I'm going to try to keep my personal rants to myself to an extent. Maybe keep a journal, maybe find some way of organizing my thoughts on paper in a creative way. Because, to be honest, part of the reason I post here so much about my situation is because it's almost like I'm trying to lay it out for myself to read, so I can convince myself one way or the other. It's almost like I'm talking to myself in my posts to an extent. In the end, I'm the only one who can do anything about it. I can get the best advice, encouragement, and recources in the world (which I have gotten here) but it will all be in vain until I take some action myself. I'm through dumping my problems on everyone else. It's time I take some action and figure things out for myself.

 

This sounds like a sensible approach. I particularly agree with the concept of "organizing [your] thoughts on paper." This is what I do and I find it extremely helpful. The biggest thing is to be honest with yourself and through your writings, explore several possibilities indepth and see what makes the most sense to you.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Please do keep us posted. I hope everything works out well.

 

I will.

 

Don't worry about probability, go by what you think, took me forever to get over the what if I am wrong stage. Then I realized, I know what i know, and I have to go on that. I can't take a leap of faith to believe. based off of something I haven't thought or discovered yet, its dishonest. I will worry about believing when I have thought or discovered the reason to make me believe. Till then I can only go on what I know, and if I am wrong, there is nothing at this stage I can do. And if there is a god that really cares about my soul and my needs, he will put the thing in front of me. He does after all want me saved. Mostly it comes down to what you know and why. Everybody here could be wrong, but we haven't seen the thing to prove us wrong, we don't know everything so it might be out there. You could be wrong, but till you discover it, you can't really wrangle on something that easily might not be there. You could be wrong, but how do you truly know your wrong, till you truly find out your wrong. Worry about probability of being wrong on something you based of your current knowledge base you think is right, is being a worrywart. Worry when you see your wrong, don't worry because you might be wrong. We might be wrong on alot of things, I might be wrong on politics, do I worry about the possibility of being wrong, no, because I will just change my views if I find I am wrong. Outside of the claims you think are bullshit like hell for example, its the exact same thing. It should follow the exact same pattern as other things. Become a christian if your convinced of it evidentcially not emotionally.

 

You're right, except for me it's not that simple, because I'm not sure what I'm convinced of when it comes to evidence. I'm half and half. You know, I think I'm actually going to check out some books. Not any about all this fancy big word science shit, but something that is simple and easy to grasp and understand.

 

This sounds like a sensible approach. I particularly agree with the concept of "organizing [your] thoughts on paper." This is what I do and I find it extremely helpful. The biggest thing is to be honest with yourself and through your writings, explore several possibilities indepth and see what makes the most sense to you.

 

Yeah. It may not help much, but it's good to get all those feelings, thoughts, and emotions out anyway.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I've started back reading the Bible. I'm up to the 16th chapter of Exodus. I have to say, these stories, when read in an easy to understand translation are actually pretty interesting. As far as the truth of it goes, I'm a bit confused. Some of it seems ridiculous and makes me think "how did I ever believe in this crap?", some of it makes me think "holy crap, that totally contradicts _____", and some of it makes me think it could be true. I get more confused when pairing what I'm reading in the Old Testament with what I've read in the New Testament. It just doesn't fit, at all. Completely different religions, completely different gods. Yet, no matter how conflicting they are, parts of the New Testament give me certain vibes such as "I know in my heart that this is true" and things like that. I'm not sure if that's just based on certain emotional attachments, brainwashing, the fact that I'm weak minded, or if it's some kind of Holy Spirit thing. I'm not sure what to make of all this. I know parts of it are ridiculous and very unlikely to be true, yet other parts seem.... real, true. And usually the parts that seem the most real are the parts that make us out to be dirty fucked up sinners for just being humans and having natural desires. Not sure what to make of that. To balance this thing out, I'm going to read "God is Not Great" by Christopher Hitchens. I don't know much of anything about the author or the book, but I've heard of it in the forums, so I thought I might give it a shot. Is it any good? Would that book help my particular situation, or would there be a better choice out there that I should read instead?

[Guest Valk0010]

I've started back reading the Bible. I'm up to the 16th chapter of Exodus. I have to say, these stories, when read in an easy to understand translation are actually pretty interesting. As far as the truth of it goes, I'm a bit confused. Some of it seems ridiculous and makes me think "how did I ever believe in this crap?", some of it makes me think "holy crap, that totally contradicts _____", and some of it makes me think it could be true. I get more confused when pairing what I'm reading in the Old Testament with what I've read in the New Testament. It just doesn't fit, at all. Completely different religions, completely different gods. Yet, no matter how conflicting they are, parts of the New Testament give me certain vibes such as "I know in my heart that this is true" and things like that. I'm not sure if that's just based on certain emotional attachments, brainwashing, the fact that I'm weak minded, or if it's some kind of Holy Spirit thing. I'm not sure what to make of all this. I know parts of it are ridiculous and very unlikely to be true, yet other parts seem.... real, true. And usually the parts that seem the most real are the parts that make us out to be dirty fucked up sinners for just being humans and having natural desires. Not sure what to make of that. To balance this thing out, I'm going to read "God is Not Great" by Christopher Hitchens. I don't know much of anything about the author or the book, but I've heard of it in the forums, so I thought I might give it a shot. Is it any good? Would that book help my particular situation, or would there be a better choice out there that I should read instead?

Don't worry about how you feel just finish the bible. I would recommend books by former christians, the one i own is the rejection of pascals wager by paul tobin. Here is his website if you can't get the book, http://www.rejectionofpascalswager.net/

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I've started back reading the Bible. I'm up to the 16th chapter of Exodus. I have to say, these stories, when read in an easy to understand translation are actually pretty interesting. As far as the truth of it goes, I'm a bit confused. Some of it seems ridiculous and makes me think "how did I ever believe in this crap?", some of it makes me think "holy crap, that totally contradicts _____", and some of it makes me think it could be true. I get more confused when pairing what I'm reading in the Old Testament with what I've read in the New Testament. It just doesn't fit, at all. Completely different religions, completely different gods. Yet, no matter how conflicting they are, parts of the New Testament give me certain vibes such as "I know in my heart that this is true" and things like that. I'm not sure if that's just based on certain emotional attachments, brainwashing, the fact that I'm weak minded, or if it's some kind of Holy Spirit thing. I'm not sure what to make of all this. I know parts of it are ridiculous and very unlikely to be true, yet other parts seem.... real, true. And usually the parts that seem the most real are the parts that make us out to be dirty fucked up sinners for just being humans and having natural desires. Not sure what to make of that. To balance this thing out, I'm going to read "God is Not Great" by Christopher Hitchens. I don't know much of anything about the author or the book, but I've heard of it in the forums, so I thought I might give it a shot. Is it any good? Would that book help my particular situation, or would there be a better choice out there that I should read instead?

Don't worry about how you feel just finish the bible. I would recommend books by former christians, the one i own is the rejection of pascals wager by paul tobin. Here is his website if you can't get the book, http://www.rejectionofpascalswager.net/

 

Thanks.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm oh so close to a breakthrough.... Then, I do something to completely reverse that, and I'm back at square one. I have to figure out whatever it is that reverses the effects of my potential breakthrough.

[Guest Valk0010]

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm oh so close to a breakthrough.... Then, I do something to completely reverse that, and I'm back at square one. I have to figure out whatever it is that reverses the effects of my potential breakthrough.

Reminds me of my dealings with OCD

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

What exactly do normal people do? Most people seem to live. Fully. I only exist. And it's an empty existence at that. I'm just here. I don't live. What am I missing that other people seem to get? Hobbies? Ambition? Love? Purpose?

[TheUnknown]

What exactly do normal people do? Most people seem to live. Fully. I only exist. And it's an empty existence at that. I'm just here. I don't live. What am I missing that other people seem to get? Hobbies? Ambition? Love? Purpose?

 

I truly empathize with you, it seems as if we're both going through a similar type of deconversion, the only difference is mine started at age 40,nearly 3 years ago, reading what you are going through strikes a familiar cord within myself, we both don't agree with Christianity, yet we are both terrorized by Christianity and have suffered severe abuse, yet we can't embrace atheism either....it's heartbreaking to see someone so young going through something as intense as this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

 

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix or solution to this problem and we both have no choice but to face it, the only thing I can suggest if to follow the advice of some of the others on here and try concentrate on what they've posted, and take it one step at a time, I don't think we've got any other choice

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

What exactly do normal people do? Most people seem to live. Fully. I only exist. And it's an empty existence at that. I'm just here. I don't live. What am I missing that other people seem to get? Hobbies? Ambition? Love? Purpose?

 

I truly empathize with you, it seems as if we're both going through a similar type of deconversion, the only difference is mine started at age 40,nearly 3 years ago, reading what you are going through strikes a familiar cord within myself, we both don't agree with Christianity, yet we are both terrorized by Christianity and have suffered severe abuse, yet we can't embrace atheism either....it's heartbreaking to see someone so young going through something as intense as this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

 

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix or solution to this problem and we both have no choice but to face it, the only thing I can suggest if to follow the advice of some of the others on here and try concentrate on what they've posted, and take it one step at a time, I don't think we've got any other choice

 

You're right, I guess we have no other choice.

 

Life is empty. I envy the people who have not yet come to that realisation.

[MagickMonkey]

What exactly do normal people do? Most people seem to live. Fully. I only exist. And it's an empty existence at that. I'm just here. I don't live. What am I missing that other people seem to get? Hobbies? Ambition? Love? Purpose?

 

I truly empathize with you, it seems as if we're both going through a similar type of deconversion, the only difference is mine started at age 40,nearly 3 years ago, reading what you are going through strikes a familiar cord within myself, we both don't agree with Christianity, yet we are both terrorized by Christianity and have suffered severe abuse, yet we can't embrace atheism either....it's heartbreaking to see someone so young going through something as intense as this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

 

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix or solution to this problem and we both have no choice but to face it, the only thing I can suggest if to follow the advice of some of the others on here and try concentrate on what they've posted, and take it one step at a time, I don't think we've got any other choice

 

You're right, I guess we have no other choice.

 

Life is empty. I envy the people who have not yet come to that realisation.

 

While I didn't have it nearly as rough as what you are going through, I do remember feeling empty. For me, that passed with time. In fact, it might just be another stage in deconversion.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

What exactly do normal people do? Most people seem to live. Fully. I only exist. And it's an empty existence at that. I'm just here. I don't live. What am I missing that other people seem to get? Hobbies? Ambition? Love? Purpose?

 

I truly empathize with you, it seems as if we're both going through a similar type of deconversion, the only difference is mine started at age 40,nearly 3 years ago, reading what you are going through strikes a familiar cord within myself, we both don't agree with Christianity, yet we are both terrorized by Christianity and have suffered severe abuse, yet we can't embrace atheism either....it's heartbreaking to see someone so young going through something as intense as this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

 

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix or solution to this problem and we both have no choice but to face it, the only thing I can suggest if to follow the advice of some of the others on here and try concentrate on what they've posted, and take it one step at a time, I don't think we've got any other choice

 

You're right, I guess we have no other choice.

 

Life is empty. I envy the people who have not yet come to that realisation.

 

While I didn't have it nearly as rough as what you are going through, I do remember feeling empty. For me, that passed with time. In fact, it might just be another stage in deconversion.

 

Think about it, life is empty. It's all empty. All sources of joy, meaning, purpose, happiness, all come from things that are, in the end, distractions. Take away the distractions, and what does that leave us with? Nothing. We're just here. That's it. We exist. Even if there is a higher power, an ultimate truth, so what? In the end, what does that really change? Nothing. It's all still worthless and vain. I keep trying to stop ranting, but fuck it, I can't. I can't get it out of my system. I can't stop thinking, and because I can't stop thinking, I have to vent. But why here? Why do it here when I know it's become annoying? I don't know. I can't stay away. Shit, this isn't even about religion anymore. I just don't like who I am. I'm losing the will to live, and with some time, I might all out just want to die. Yeah, I could get help and maybe try to stop these feelings.... but for some reason... I really don't want to stop them. In the end, I'll always be this person, no matter how much I appear to have changed on the outside. I'll always be this fucked up person deep down inside. I don't want to mask it. I don't want to change it. Because it can never be fully changed. So why fool myself?

[MagickMonkey]

What exactly do normal people do? Most people seem to live. Fully. I only exist. And it's an empty existence at that. I'm just here. I don't live. What am I missing that other people seem to get? Hobbies? Ambition? Love? Purpose?

 

I truly empathize with you, it seems as if we're both going through a similar type of deconversion, the only difference is mine started at age 40,nearly 3 years ago, reading what you are going through strikes a familiar cord within myself, we both don't agree with Christianity, yet we are both terrorized by Christianity and have suffered severe abuse, yet we can't embrace atheism either....it's heartbreaking to see someone so young going through something as intense as this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

 

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix or solution to this problem and we both have no choice but to face it, the only thing I can suggest if to follow the advice of some of the others on here and try concentrate on what they've posted, and take it one step at a time, I don't think we've got any other choice

 

You're right, I guess we have no other choice.

 

Life is empty. I envy the people who have not yet come to that realisation.

 

While I didn't have it nearly as rough as what you are going through, I do remember feeling empty. For me, that passed with time. In fact, it might just be another stage in deconversion.

 

Think about it, life is empty. It's all empty. All sources of joy, meaning, purpose, happiness, all come from things that are, in the end, distractions. Take away the distractions, and what does that leave us with? Nothing. We're just here. That's it. We exist. Even if there is a higher power, an ultimate truth, so what? In the end, what does that really change? Nothing. It's all still worthless and vain. I keep trying to stop ranting, but fuck it, I can't. I can't get it out of my system. I can't stop thinking, and because I can't stop thinking, I have to vent. But why here? Why do it here when I know it's become annoying? I don't know. I can't stay away. Shit, this isn't even about religion anymore. I just don't like who I am. I'm losing the will to live, and with some time, I might all out just want to die. Yeah, I could get help and maybe try to stop these feelings.... but for some reason... I really don't want to stop them. In the end, I'll always be this person, no matter how much I appear to have changed on the outside. I'll always be this fucked up person deep down inside. I don't want to mask it. I don't want to change it. Because it can never be fully changed. So why fool myself?

 

Ultimately you're right. Our existence has no more meaning than the existence of a rock in my back yard. We can give it meaning though. We (well many of us) are capable of being happy. Doing and experiencing things that makes me happy makes the continued struggle to exist worth the effort. That's why, for me, the feeling of emptiness was a transient feeling. Please do not take actions with permanent and profound results over an emotional state that might be transient.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Ultimately you're right. Our existence has no more meaning than the existence of a rock in my back yard. We can give it meaning though. We (well many of us) are capable of being happy. Doing and experiencing things that makes me happy makes the continued struggle to exist worth the effort. That's why, for me, the feeling of emptiness was a transient feeling. Please do not take actions with permanent and profound results over an emotional state that might be transient.

 

I don't know how to give it meaning. I can find things I enjoy doing, but that would all be in vain. This is probably going to be a bad example, but it's all I've got for now. Let's say a person goes and sees a movie. This movie inspired them on a huge level, and they enjoyed it a lot. Maybe they even went to see it with people they enjoy being with. They had a very good time. Yet, no matter how much fun they had, or how good the movie was, they go home that night, and they feel empty and alone. Even if they're surrounded by people, they feel very alone. Actually, I don't even know where I'm going with this example, but my point is, no matter what a person does, it will not take away from the feeling of emptiness and being alone. When it all comes down to it, everything, even the things that (to us) are big, are all meaningless, vain, empty distractions. When it all comes down to it, after all your "ditractions" come to an end, real life IS that empty, lonely feeling. That feeling is what life is. Anything to take away from that is just a meaningless ditraction.

[MagickMonkey]

Ultimately you're right. Our existence has no more meaning than the existence of a rock in my back yard. We can give it meaning though. We (well many of us) are capable of being happy. Doing and experiencing things that makes me happy makes the continued struggle to exist worth the effort. That's why, for me, the feeling of emptiness was a transient feeling. Please do not take actions with permanent and profound results over an emotional state that might be transient.

 

I don't know how to give it meaning. I can find things I enjoy doing, but that would all be in vain. This is probably going to be a bad example, but it's all I've got for now. Let's say a person goes and sees a movie. This movie inspired them on a huge level, and they enjoyed it a lot. Maybe they even went to see it with people they enjoy being with. They had a very good time. Yet, no matter how much fun they had, or how good the movie was, they go home that night, and they feel empty and alone. Even if they're surrounded by people, they feel very alone. Actually, I don't even know where I'm going with this example, but my point is, no matter what a person does, it will not take away from the feeling of emptiness and being alone. When it all comes down to it, everything, even the things that (to us) are big, are all meaningless, vain, empty distractions. When it all comes down to it, after all your "ditractions" come to an end, real life IS that empty, lonely feeling. That feeling is what life is. Anything to take away from that is just a meaningless ditraction.

 

If you do something you enjoy, that is not in vain. As far as the rest of what you said, it sounds like clinical depression.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

If you do something you enjoy, that is not in vain. As far as the rest of what you said, it sounds like clinical depression.

 

You're right.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I think I'm going to go pick up a copy of the book "Godless" by Dan Barker this weekend. Anyone read it?

[florduh]

Think about it, life is empty. It's all empty. All sources of joy, meaning, purpose, happiness, all come from things that are, in the end, distractions. Take away the distractions, and what does that leave us with? Nothing. We're just here. That's it. We exist. Even if there is a higher power, an ultimate truth, so what? In the end, what does that really change? Nothing. It's all still worthless and vain. I keep trying to stop ranting, but fuck it, I can't. I can't get it out of my system. I can't stop thinking, and because I can't stop thinking, I have to vent. But why here? Why do it here when I know it's become annoying? I don't know. I can't stay away. Shit, this isn't even about religion anymore. I just don't like who I am. I'm losing the will to live, and with some time, I might all out just want to die. Yeah, I could get help and maybe try to stop these feelings.... but for some reason... I really don't want to stop them. In the end, I'll always be this person, no matter how much I appear to have changed on the outside. I'll always be this fucked up person deep down inside. I don't want to mask it. I don't want to change it. Because it can never be fully changed. So why fool myself?

For fuck's sake, check into a mental health clinic. How many months/years will you continue to do nothing about your treatable condition? Maybe not getting help is part of the fun of being miserable. You're like a guy with a broken leg who refuses get a cast put on it so he can indefinitely limp around in public and get sympathy. He identifies and defines himself as a cripple, but it doesn't have to be that way. It just gets oddly comfortable.

[nightcomeson]

Think about it, life is empty. It's all empty. All sources of joy, meaning, purpose, happiness, all come from things that are, in the end, distractions. Take away the distractions, and what does that leave us with? Nothing. We're just here. That's it. We exist. Even if there is a higher power, an ultimate truth, so what? In the end, what does that really change? Nothing. It's all still worthless and vain. I keep trying to stop ranting, but fuck it, I can't. I can't get it out of my system. I can't stop thinking, and because I can't stop thinking, I have to vent. But why here? Why do it here when I know it's become annoying? I don't know. I can't stay away. Shit, this isn't even about religion anymore. I just don't like who I am. I'm losing the will to live, and with some time, I might all out just want to die. Yeah, I could get help and maybe try to stop these feelings.... but for some reason... I really don't want to stop them. In the end, I'll always be this person, no matter how much I appear to have changed on the outside. I'll always be this fucked up person deep down inside. I don't want to mask it. I don't want to change it. Because it can never be fully changed. So why fool myself?

For fuck's sake, check into a mental health clinic. How many months/years will you continue to do nothing about your treatable condition? Maybe not getting help is part of the fun of being miserable. You're like a guy with a broken leg who refuses get a cast put on it so he can indefinitely limp around in public and get sympathy. He identifies and defines himself as a cripple, but it doesn't have to be that way. It just gets oddly comfortable.

 

I was going to suggest reading (at least while you're checking out books) Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. That helped me when I was learning to find meaning in a world where meaning was no longer a given. But seeing some kind of therapist or checking into a clinic would be a lot more useful immediately.

[MagickMonkey]

Think about it, life is empty. It's all empty. All sources of joy, meaning, purpose, happiness, all come from things that are, in the end, distractions. Take away the distractions, and what does that leave us with? Nothing. We're just here. That's it. We exist. Even if there is a higher power, an ultimate truth, so what? In the end, what does that really change? Nothing. It's all still worthless and vain. I keep trying to stop ranting, but fuck it, I can't. I can't get it out of my system. I can't stop thinking, and because I can't stop thinking, I have to vent. But why here? Why do it here when I know it's become annoying? I don't know. I can't stay away. Shit, this isn't even about religion anymore. I just don't like who I am. I'm losing the will to live, and with some time, I might all out just want to die. Yeah, I could get help and maybe try to stop these feelings.... but for some reason... I really don't want to stop them. In the end, I'll always be this person, no matter how much I appear to have changed on the outside. I'll always be this fucked up person deep down inside. I don't want to mask it. I don't want to change it. Because it can never be fully changed. So why fool myself?

For fuck's sake, check into a mental health clinic. How many months/years will you continue to do nothing about your treatable condition? Maybe not getting help is part of the fun of being miserable. You're like a guy with a broken leg who refuses get a cast put on it so he can indefinitely limp around in public and get sympathy. He identifies and defines himself as a cripple, but it doesn't have to be that way. It just gets oddly comfortable.

 

I was going to suggest reading (at least while you're checking out books) Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. That helped me when I was learning to find meaning in a world where meaning was no longer a given. But seeing some kind of therapist or checking into a clinic would be a lot more useful immediately.

 

Yeah, I think he definately has clinical depression that needs professional help. I hope he gets it.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

For fuck's sake, check into a mental health clinic. How many months/years will you continue to do nothing about your treatable condition? Maybe not getting help is part of the fun of being miserable. You're like a guy with a broken leg who refuses get a cast put on it so he can indefinitely limp around in public and get sympathy. He identifies and defines himself as a cripple, but it doesn't have to be that way. It just gets oddly comfortable.

 

I'm going to try to be completely transparent and say that I think you're right. A small part of me likes it. Most of me hates it with a passion and wants to fight it, yet that small part that likes it will not let go. I can't explain why I like it, but it might have something to do with it giving me the fuel that I need to fight. That feeling is something that I don't normally have, and it feels good. Which may be why I only find hope in hopelessness.

 

Even with that said, I don't like mental clinics. That would not work. If I told anyone that I needed to be in one, they would probably laugh. Nobody knows the extent of my condition. Most don't even know I have a condition.

 

I don't like meds, because they often mask the real problem, they have side effects, and they take too long to work, if they even work at all. Then if/when they don't, you have to go through that all over again with another pill.

 

I don't like talking to professionals because I don't know how to tell them what's wrong with me. I don't know how to answer the questions they ask, and I don't understand myself well enough to tell them anything. Besides that, unless you find a really good one, their patients are only patients to them, not real people with real problems. You make the appointment, they listen to you running your mouth under a certain time limit, they give you a pill, they get paid. Then it's over. Sometimes, the things they tell a person can fuck them up worse than they were in the first place. I don't like the way it works. I like talking to real people who care, not people with some license who get paid to listen to you run your mouth. I don't trust just anybody.

 

I was going to suggest reading (at least while you're checking out books) Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. That helped me when I was learning to find meaning in a world where meaning was no longer a given. But seeing some kind of therapist or checking into a clinic would be a lot more useful immediately.

 

Would you say I should get that one first?