Moxie Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Well my mom recently passed, and three days later I got a message from a cousin, who told me about what my grandma's hubby has said. Here's the back-story: My grandma raised me, and her hubby was the 'head of the house'. He was abusive on all levels - physically, mentally, emotionally, and he was also sexually inappropriate with me (but didn't touch me). The four of us (grandma, hubby, mom and me) lived in the same house for over 20 years. Grandma died four years ago, and mom died last month. I moved out three years ago, and I'm three states away, and will never return. Now, all of a sudden, he is trying to reconnect, as though he can fix things. And with what? Money. He sent a message through relatives saying that if I reconnect with him, then he will not cancel his life insurance policy with my name on it. No amount of money can rectify what happened all those years. He did so much shit! He'd put down grandma, threatened to kick her out of the house, hit her, and then the next day, he'd give her $300 and say "go buy yourself something nice". UGH!!!!!! He did over $3000 worth of damage to my mom's mouth when I was seven years old. I was standing there and watched him punch her. He tried to delay my progress in school and in society by keeping me in the house and not letting us go anywhere. And now this. I thought that the death of his wife of 58 years would cause him to change his ways, but evidently not. And the family doesn't make it better. They think that I cannot survive without his money. But that is a classic abuse tactic, that says you cannot survive without the attacker. And he's basically saying, "look, I'm an old sick widower, and I'm all alone; pity me." Give me a break. Why is this happening?? Why are families so tribal-minded? We do NOT need to respect our elders all the time. This old paradigm of "doing what is right" needs to go away, and fast! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Good for you for seeing through it! You are absolutely right it is victim-making stuff to believe that you cannot live without your abuser. I was taught similar, to respect elders at all cost. I have very little contact with them. Family has offered me many thousand dollars in order to regain control over aspects of my life, or threatened to withdraw emotional support (wrap your head around that one!). I repeatedly reject these gifts-with-strings, and life simply and nobly on what I sort out for myself. What you are doing is reasonable and right on and respectable. Good for you! Phanta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Well my mom recently away, and fast! I agree, fuck the $$ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBob Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 Sounds like he has a history of using money this way, and you're right to see through it. The only thing losing his wife has done is make him cast about for others to subjugate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YellowJacket Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 how much money is involved? I could be decent to a nasty old man (who isn't really a relative, or did I misread?) for about 3 million. but then my heroes are con artists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I'd give him a verbal beating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I'd give him a verbal beating. That might be a bad thing. He might get off from the drama. It might be best just to ignore him. In fact, ignoring him might hurt worse than any verbal ass kicking could. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I listen to logic Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 I'd give him a verbal beating. That might be a bad thing. He might get off from the drama. It might be best just to ignore him. In fact, ignoring him might hurt worse than any verbal ass kicking could. I absolutely agree! He doesn't deserve to be even noticed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gypsy79 Posted September 21, 2010 Share Posted September 21, 2010 So proud of you, Ziva. You are doing the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted September 22, 2010 Share Posted September 22, 2010 I'd give him a verbal beating. That might be a bad thing. He might get off from the drama. It might be best just to ignore him. In fact, ignoring him might hurt worse than any verbal ass kicking could. Some people need to be told off at least once so that you're feelings can be known--that is the whole point, to let your feelings be known. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted September 22, 2010 Share Posted September 22, 2010 I'd give him a verbal beating. That might be a bad thing. He might get off from the drama. It might be best just to ignore him. In fact, ignoring him might hurt worse than any verbal ass kicking could. Some people need to be told off at least once so that you're feelings can be known--that is the whole point, to let your feelings be known. But is it really relevant that he know her feelings? What does that really accomplish? Perhaps there is some psychological need fulfilled by such an action, but to me, it seems simpler to just cut such people loose. EDIT: Also, I think silence will speak loudly enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted September 22, 2010 Author Share Posted September 22, 2010 I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. If I call him, I'll risk getting caught in his web again, even if I give him a piece of my mind. Let silence drown him out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
★ Citsonga ★ Posted September 22, 2010 Share Posted September 22, 2010 This old paradigm of "doing what is right" needs to go away, and fast! We do need to do what is right, it's just that what is right isn't always what they say is right. Not getting entangled again with this abusive and controlling man would be the right thing for you to do. Sorry you've had to deal with all that shit. Hopefully things work out for you and you don't have to deal with all that garbage anymore. Good luck.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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