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I Just Don't Know What To Do


sinfe35
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Hi everybody, I have only posted on here once with my deconversion story. Now I just need some advice. I just don't know how to deal with my mom about my deconversion. I haven't told her yet that I don't believe in god anymore. All she knows is that I have gone through so many religions and churches that she just thinks I am unstable or something. I mean, she knows that I have just been searching all of these years, but she gets mad that I never seem to be satisfied. Now that I realize that no church is true and that god is a man-made myth, I know that I will never be satisfied with religion again. Therefore, the search is over. Now that you have a bit of background, let me get to the point... My mom is a very devout Catholic (she was an atheist too for a while way back when I was an "on fire" christian. (Yes, I know you know what I mean). :D Now it is getting to the point where I want to throw up every time she posts on facebook and stuff about how good god is and how the "holy spirit" has moved in her life. I just want to scream out "I AM AN ATHEIST- DEAL WITH IT!" The thing is, I don't want to hurt her feelings or start crap that I will never hear the end of. I know deep down that I should just be honest with her but it's not that simple. I swear, if I hear her say "let's make Jesus a birthday cake" this Christmas, I am going to throw a fit! What about Mithra all the other "savior gods"? Won't they feel left out? lol I'm trying to make light of the situation, but really it is hurting me. Please offer any advice you may have. Thanks.

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Actually, you said one of the things that I say, after leaving christianity 20 years ago. The thing about Mithra and the rest feeling left out.

All of the following will work, while not raising undue concern:

 

If we celebrate one religion, wouldn't we have to celebrate them all?

 

I'm just not confident religions have all of the answers.

 

I just have so many questions that I need to figure out still.

 

I don't want to talk about this right now.

 

 

These are petty, but maybe they'll help.

You could always turn your mom off from your fb feed. That's what I do when people I know blather regurgitations of christian pop phrases. It's worth offending someone. In fact, that was the kind of thing that helped to bring me out of christianity, when people I cared about disregarded my regurgitations. it's okay to offend someone for that.

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1. People never can totally please their parents no matter what.

 

2. People who love you should not be misled and kept from knowing who you really are.

 

3. You are as entitled to an opinion as much as anyone else.

 

4. You have as much right (that is, no right at all) to be offended/hurt/disappointed by brainwashed religious people as they do to feel that way about you.

 

5. How a person reacts to your beliefs is their choice, not yours.

 

6. The fear of what might happen is always worse than the reality. People disagree on many things and everyone must eventually adapt and accept that fact of life.

 

7. Living a lie to keep a false peace guarantees there will be one loser - you.

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Actually, you said one of the things that I say, after leaving christianity 20 years ago. The thing about Mithra and the rest feeling left out.

All of the following will work, while not raising undue concern:

 

If we celebrate one religion, wouldn't we have to celebrate them all?

 

I'm just not confident religions have all of the answers.

 

I just have so many questions that I need to figure out still.

 

I don't want to talk about this right now.

 

 

These are petty, but maybe they'll help.

You could always turn your mom off from your fb feed. That's what I do when people I know blather regurgitations of christian pop phrases. It's worth offending someone. In fact, that was the kind of thing that helped to bring me out of christianity, when people I cared about disregarded my regurgitations. it's okay to offend someone for that.

 

 

Hi Voice, thanks for the suggestions. I'll consider these the next time my mom and I talk. How would I turn my mom off from my fb feed? I'm not sure how that works.

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When you pass your mouse (cursor) over someone's post on fb, you will see a faint, blue X to the upper right of it. Click on that.

 

Florduh's post has suggestions that will be more useful to you than mine, over the long term. If you can wrap your thoughts, meditations and daily routines around what he's suggesting, you could do well.

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1. People never can totally please their parents no matter what.

 

2. People who love you should not be misled and kept from knowing who you really are.

 

3. You are as entitled to an opinion as much as anyone else.

 

4. You have as much right (that is, no right at all) to be offended/hurt/disappointed by brainwashed religious people as they do to feel that way about you.

 

5. How a person reacts to your beliefs is their choice, not yours.

 

6. The fear of what might happen is always worse than the reality. People disagree on many things and everyone must eventually adapt and accept that fact of life.

 

7. Living a lie to keep a false peace guarantees there will be one loser - you.

 

Yes, you are right, florduh. I don't want to live a lie. It's just hard when your own mother doesn't accept who you really are. It's hard not to want to please your parents, but I guess I need to think of myself first on this one. Thanks for the advice.

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I basically agree with Florduh, but would point out that particularly if you're grown and on your own, your personal religious beliefs aren't anyone's business but yours, so you're not obligated to go into detailed explanations or justifications concerning your beliefs either.

 

If you are very close to your Mom such that you have to actually conceal your true beliefs rather than just fail to mention them, though, that would be self defeating in the long run.

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I basically agree with Florduh, but would point out that particularly if you're grown and on your own, your personal religious beliefs aren't anyone's business but yours, so you're not obligated to go into detailed explanations or justifications concerning your beliefs either.

 

If you are very close to your Mom such that you have to actually conceal your true beliefs rather than just fail to mention them, though, that would be self defeating in the long run.

 

 

Thanks DesertBob- I agree that I shouldn't feel the need to explain or justify my beliefs to her. Also, I don't want to sound like a pathetic (adult) person who has "mommy" issues. It's just hard when she and I don't share that much in common and the one major thing we had in common is now gone.

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I don't want to sound like a pathetic (adult) person who has "mommy" issues. It's just hard when she and I don't share that much in common and the one major thing we had in common is now gone.

You don't sound pathetic or like you have unresolved "mommy" issues, but I don't have enough information to understand the dynamic of the relationship so I was being very generic in my response.

 

My own mother was extremely conflict-avoidant and refused to hear anything that made her uneasy, so there was an implicit "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic about my religious beliefs, or for that matter any area of my life that she might not have understood or approved of in detail. She was willing not to ask questions so it was acceptable for me to just be silent about my beliefs / doubts. If she noticed I wasn't going to church, she didn't ask about it. As for my father, he was just respectful of the fact that it was my life and my business -- and probably, as a typical "greatest generation" Dad, he would not be comfortable discussing anything that was deep or smacked of feelings, either. So for me, it all worked out. They are both gone now, as is my oldest brother, and with those three goes the core of the evangel from the family. But the dynamic continues even with my two surviving brothers, one of whom is still a churchgoer, albeit a Lutheran, and the other of whom is still a nominal if non-practicing believer; they are smart enough to know where my head is but it's never a topic of conversation.

 

Yeah, I know, I got off easy ...

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1. People never can totally please their parents no matter what.

 

2. People who love you should not be misled and kept from knowing who you really are.

 

3. You are as entitled to an opinion as much as anyone else.

 

4. You have as much right (that is, no right at all) to be offended/hurt/disappointed by brainwashed religious people as they do to feel that way about you.

 

5. How a person reacts to your beliefs is their choice, not yours.

 

6. The fear of what might happen is always worse than the reality. People disagree on many things and everyone must eventually adapt and accept that fact of life.

 

7. Living a lie to keep a false peace guarantees there will be one loser - you.

:wub:

I love it when you talk like that ;)

 

 

But Florduh, did you loose anyone with this approach? Would you do it again? Also, how long did it take you to get to this point?

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you're not obligated to go into detailed explanations or justifications concerning your beliefs either.

That is absolutely true. Sometimes the problem, though, is a relentless assault from a fundy that just drives you crazy. I'll keep quiet except under those circumstances. My explanation for our disagreement isn't a defense of my position or an assault on theirs. I just say I have different beliefs and would prefer to not discuss the topic. Sometimes, one must insist.

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But Florduh, did you loose anyone with this approach? Would you do it again? Also, how long did it take you to get to this point?

Yes, yes, and almost a year.

 

The light came on for me while studying a Moody course on Revelation. I stopped doing any church related things immediately, but I confess I did pussyfoot about for several months with things like, "I'm examining by beliefs and going to some different churches with my friends." "I'm just having some personal issues right now and will get back into routine eventually."

 

Now, if pressed, I just say I don't believe any of that stuff anymore. I never explain or defend my position other than to say that the more I studied the less sense it made.

 

BTW, if anyone should ask, "Do you love Jesus?" a good response is, "Why? Did he say something?" :HaHa:

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2. People who love you should not be misled and kept from knowing who you really are.

 

 

 

ALL of that was very well said (can we laminate and frame that post?), but I especially like the way you put that about people knowing who you really are. My parents have always just had their own image of what or who they think I am, and now that image is shattered, but maybe someday they'll look beyond that and try to know me. I SERIOUSLY doubt that, but at least they don't love a false image of me anymore. On the other hand, my husband has seen, up close and personal, that deconversion didn't change who I am, as he had feared. He has always known me, and seen my questioning, and known what I'm like inside, and since I'm still me, he is more and more able to accept that I'm not suddenly EEEEEVIL.

 

Isn't it always better to be rejected for who you are rather than accepted for what you're not?

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Isn't it always better to be rejected for who you are rather than accepted for what you're not?

As the old saying goes, People who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind.

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2. People who love you should not be misled and kept from knowing who you really are.

 

This is very true. Unfortunately for me, I haven't been open about the doubts I've had since I was young (I started questioning my beliefs when I was 12 or 13 and finally admitted to myself just a few months ago, over 15 years later). I have been involved in church work (music) and have, for the most part, played the part of a good Christian (not always going with the theology of the church I'm in, but always presenting the facade of a Christian who fully trusts in his God and in the basics of Christianity). My father is a Baptist pastor, he was in seminary when I began questioning and by the time I was in college he was pastoring a church. He and my mom are JUST to the left of fundamentalist, have strong faith, and believe in the power of prayer, creation, and the inerrancy of the bible. I do not. As far as I know, they have no idea that I don't see eye to eye with them on anything religious.

 

So for me... it has been very tough. My first step is to discuss it with my sister.... Eventually. She is also a Christian with a strong faith, married to a man who is now in seminary, but she knows that I am far more liberal than most people in my family and I think she may know that I've had some doubts where Christianity, the bible, and God are concerned.

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Thanks everybody for the support and advice. I guess there is still one thing bothering me about the whole situation. My dad passed away over two years ago and ever since then my mom has been clinging on much more tightly to her faith. How do I reveal my lack of faith without destroying her faith? I don't want to destroy her hope of one day seeing my dad again. I have come to terms with the fact that that is not going to happen and I enjoyed the time I had with him when he was here. This is a delicate situation and I'm just not sure how to approach it. Can anyone relate? Any thoughts? Thanks.

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6. The fear of what might happen is always worse than the reality. People disagree on many things and everyone must eventually adapt and accept that fact of life.

 

7. Living a lie to keep a false peace guarantees there will be one loser - you.

 

I can personally attest to the truth of #6. I am a pagan, and I hid it from my mother, because I knew she would flip out - and flip out she did. She kicked me out of the house. It was bad for a while, but I was under the impression she would hate me forever and I would be disowned and removed from the family entirely. Instead, she calmed the fuck down, and eventually accepted that I believe differently, and realized I did not eat babies. I was accepted back into the house. We have a comfortable peace regarding religion, and I don't have to live a lie.

Living a lie sucks horribly. I couldn't do it for long. Even with the hardships and fights "coming out" brought, it was well worth it for me.

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The fear of what might happen is always worse than the reality..

I have found this to be particularly true throughout my life. Nice post florduh!

 

 

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Guest Valk0010

I live the lie, and I intend to keep all needed to be closed of family in the dark for along long time, preferable forever if I can.

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