From Christian Author To Atheist

[ExChristianAuthor]

I found EX-Christian.net back in May of 2010 after typingsomething like "lost my faith" into the search engine. There was not one particular event that ledup to my leaving the xtian cult, it was a bunch of things actually. Let mestart at the beginning... the beginning of my "walk" and how I brokefree of the brainwashing some 11 years later. I hope you all won't mind howlong it is.

 

I am a web developer and graphics artist by trade and havebeen for the past 16-years. I am also apublished author by accident. Up untilrecently, I wrote faith-based, self-help books, focusing mainly on marriage,family, and relationship issues. Although I was raised in a very large, very traditional, ItalianCatholic family, complete with Catholic schooling, nuns, Catechism, and the manmade rituals and doctrines that most Italian Catholics have pounded into theirhead from birth, I was pretty much a cafeteria Catholic. My parents weren't overtly religious,although they believe in God, my lategrandmother was really the one who educated us about religion outside of church. She was the one who taught us therosary, the novenas, and how to show our dedication to the holy blessedmother. It was more out of my love forher that I practiced these things than a desire to draw closer to God. Up untilmy "great fall" I never really felt close to God, but the"rituals" did bring me comfort at times.

 

All of that would change in 1999. I started designing websites when theInternet was in its infancy. There were no college courses for web design backthen, those of us who developed websites self-taught ourselves everything andat the time, I was one of the few females in the industry and did reallywell.

 

In 1996 I moved to Newark, Delaware after meeting who Ithought was "the one". I had recently divorced my first husband, had3 kids, and was doing pretty good for a single mom of 3 in a new city. In late 1997, a colleague told me how someonewith my design and Internet marketing expertise could make literally MILLIONSdesigning adult websites. He explained that I wouldn't have to do anything toonitty-gritty just design the sites, purchase the content, i.e. pictures, videofeeds, etc and then open the sites and charge a membership fee. Keep in mind, this was the very ground floorof online porn sites.

 

Shortly after I published my first site I was making moremoney than I had ever imaged possible! I developed another membership site andwithin a few months I was raking in on average, $3500 per night while Islept! At the same time, my friends werereferring people to me to build them adult websites, which I did for an averagefee of $25,000. I made close to $3million dollars in less than 2-years. Iwas engaged to "the one" and we were planning to move to Floridaafter we got married to be closer to my parents. Life seemed pretty awesomeback then. I want to mention that myvery strict, Italian, Catholic parents had no clue what I was doing to make somuch money. I had just told them that web design was lucrative and I was indemand.

 

On June 17, 1999 I left Delaware with my children to fly toFlorida to stay with my parents. My fiancéwas due to meet me down there at the end of the week and we were going to lookat houses and basically enjoy a little mini-vacation. On June 19, 1999 at 11:19 PM my fiancécalled me from Delaware and told me that he was not coming the next day. Hetold me he no longer loved me, didn't want to marry me and told me I would needto remove all of my things from our townhome back in Delaware. The rug had beenpulled out from under me. There was nothing to indicate any problems. We hadn'tbeen arguing and he had just bought me a two and a half caret diamond the monthbefore. He hung up the phone afterdelivering the message and to this day, I never saw him again...ever.

 

The next several days were spent flying back to Delawarewith my father to pack up all of my belongings so I could return to Florida tolive with him and my mom. I remembervery little of what took place those days. All I do remember was a few of theguys I worked with coming over and helping my dad load the U-Haul truck. Thepain I felt was so intense that I literally thought I was dying. For all of youwho have experienced heartbreak, you know what I mean. I remember none of the ride back to Floridaand very little of the weeks that followed.

 

I tried calling my fiancé for days afterward, but he cut meoff completely. Much later, I found outhis mother forced him to break up with me the way he did. Him, being the mama'sboy that he was, never took into consideration what it would do to me or mychildren. We were all devastated. I hadbeen very cautious about allowing men into my life and exposing my children toa bunch of men. Until I met my fiancé' Irarely if ever dated and never let the casual dates I went on meet my kids. Myheart was so broken I couldn't function.

 

About two-weeks into this horrible situation, I decided Iwas going to end my life. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. I had always prided myself on being strongand able to beat anything. It's the way my parents raised me, but thissituation was beating me. I left a note for my parents and walked down to thebeach which was adjacent to the Port of Palm Beach. My intentions were to justkeep walking until I stepped off the pier. I didn't care how horrible it wouldbe, NOTHING could feel worse than what I was already feeling.

 

I began my walk down the pier and part of the way down thebeach came alongside the sidewalk. Something inside of me made me veer off ontothe sand and with it being near dusk, the beach was deserted so there was noone there to interrupt me or try to stop me from what I had planned to do, Iwas just taking a small detour. I walkeddown a few yards and sat down on the sand and looked out over the ocean and forthe first time ever in my life I cried out to God and begged him to please helpme. I begged him to please fix the relationship and send my ex back. At that moment I had what I then believed tobe the "seeds of faith" planted in my heart. I believed I heard Godsay to me in my mind "You do what I need you to do and I will fixit".

 

I jumped up and for the first time in weeks I felt hope. God was going to give me a miracle!

 

I went back to my parents house and for the first time in 6days I actually ate something that stayed down. I had lost a whopping 22 poundsin just 2 weeks. I was starving! After dinner, I went to my room and gotonline and began researching "miracles" I wanted to absorb everythingI could about how to get a miracle and the "The One" who gave them. Irealized that I couldn't ask god to give me a miracle while I was peddling pornso the next day I refunded THOUSANDS of dollars in membership fees and shut theporn sites down. I would have done anything to get my miracle and have my fiancé'come back, anything at all.

 

 

 

For eleven months I prayed and believed and did exactly whatthe Bible said I needed to do to receive an answer. I had enough money savedthat I was able to isolate myself for this whole time and devote myself togod...what a waste. One day a mutualfriend of ours contacted me to tell me that my ex was getting married. He wasn't coming back. Ever. All of that praying, believing, changing,devotions, etc was for nothing. I had to let go and as hard as it was to do so,I released my ex "to god", believing that someone better would comealong.

 

A short time later, I was contracted by a group of citizensof a small Florida town that had a 50-years history of serious corruption. Itwas common knowledge that the entire police department were as bad as most ofthe criminals they apprehended. Thegroup hired me to build a website exposing the corruption. They had boxes ofdocuments, pictures, witness statements, and even a few cops that worked withthe department that were working with this group to funnel information to themand then ultimately to me for posting to the website.

 

The website accomplished what the group wanted it toaccomplish, they got an investigation bythe state and feds. The problem was, I was now getting death threats!!! One of my hacker friends traced the IPaddress of the emails being send to me, threatening to slit my throat and thatof my kids if I didn't take the site down, directly to the desk of theassistant chief of police! The wholesituation felt like a scene out of a movie.

 

I began calling agents from the FDLE (Florida Department of Law Enforcement) who wereleading the investigation. I sent them the emails and the Special AgentSupervisor assured me they would deal with it. Don't ask me how it happened, but afterseveral phone calls the agent and I began to form a friendship that eventuallyled to us getting married. I had gotten my miracle!! God didn't send me what Iwanted He sent me what I NEEDED! At least that's what all the xtians told me.

 

So there I was, married to the man of my dreams, serving Godfull time...Oh, I forgot to mention, when I closed my adult websites, one ofthem was the very first ladies only erotica websites in the world. When I became "saved" I convertedthe website to a heartbreak community for women (just4ladies.com). It was this action that would be what themagazines, etc. would write about. Mytestimony "From Porn to Faith" made its rounds in all the charismaticpublications, radio shows, television shows, etc. I wrote my second book which addressed theissue of pornography's harmful and destructive effect on marriage and familyand instantly found myself on the xtian writers/speakers circuit. This would be the beginning of the end of myfaith.

 

Being a web developer by trade, I still earned my livingdesigning websites and marketing. Thextian authors I was befriending loved this as they all seemed to have a hardtime selling their books. I had a littlecottage industry designing xtian author websites and marketing their books and speaking. Working with these women was theabsolute WORST time in my web design career. I was put back by the "Diva" attitude so many of them had.They all felt like they were entitled to my services at a discount and attimes, even asked me to donate my services even though they were making plentyof money. They worked me to death, paidme slow, and treated me like shit. Not just one of them, MOST of them. For those of you x-xtian ladies, you'd most definitelyrecognize many of the names if I shared them. These weren't women who were desperate to get to the top, they were atthe top in their "specialty". Nonetheless, the diva's wanted what they wanted and they wanted it fornothing because THEY were "daughters of the king" OH PUHLEEZE! I started to realize that the stress I was feeling was 100% due to thesewomen. They had replaced the cross with themselves and the gospel with theirmessage. You need help? They'll minister to you if...if you buy the book orbook them to speak! All of these things started to dawn on me. These people were phony!

 

In fall of 2009, I began sharing my passion for The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I wasconvinced that there were other ways to have abundance then to sit and wait forGod to be in a good enough mood, or find it in his will to answer prayers. I began to apply the laws of attraction andstarted seeing IMMEDIATE results in my life! All areas of my life!

 

This did not go over well with my xtian colleagues. They condemned me (without even reading thebook) for dabbling in "New Age" things. At first I felt guilty, but the pull of thelaw of attraction and its teachings were powerful and I felt a kind of peace asI expanded my knowledge and began "attracting" things into my life.

 

The final straw for me came in May of 2010. I caught my two christianpartners in a large web development project lying in a business plan aboutsome $80,000 in funding they were askingfor that they didn't need. When I confronted them, all hell broke loose.Between the 3 of us, myself and one of the partners had invested some $130,000in the development of this web project. The third partner had yet to put herfunds in. Two weeks after our "discussion" about the business plan,the partner who had invested back charged over $54,000 on her credit cardleaving me in a catastrophic financial situation that literally almost left ourfamily with no food or anything. She lied to her credit card company and toldthem she didn't receive the product she ordered from me which wassupposedly two full manuscripts Ipublished for her, cover to cover. Becauseshe couldn't recoup her investment dollars, and I should mention she never evenasked me or spoke to me about backing out, she just back charged all thatmoney, she back charged fees she hadpaid me for publishing services. I had given her the jobs at cost, had shippedher books to her and had mountains of proof but American Express gave her hermoney back and I hired an attorney to sue. The second partner who hadn't put her moneyinto the project went behind my back and trademarked my websites in her nameonly. Fortunately, the law sees this astheft of intellectual property and we are going after her too. In the process ofthis mess, the second partner, a VERY popular xtian author, sent a mass emailto all of our colleagues telling them I had done something very bad. Not one ofthe over 200 people contacted me to hear my side of the story. They justassumed because she is who she is, she must be telling the truth. My husband, a 32 year veteran of law enforcementtold me that the best defense is an offense, She figured she would smear mebefore the truth came out about what she had done. That was it for me. I was DONE with this bunch of hypocrites.

 

I went through my entire client roster and deleted anyonewho had anything to do with xiantiy. Myfaith in god at that point was pretty much gone. Even though I prayed and askedhim numerous times to protect me from people like this, he remained silent. Priorto the loss I encountered with these two women, another set of xtian womenripped me off for over $90,000 two years prior. I should have learned mylesson. I didn't.

 

In June of 2010 I converted my xtian websites to secularself-help websites. I had built a following of over 250,000 members. Some left when I explained the reason for thetransition, but many stayed.

 

Soon after this falling out, the evangelizers came at melike a virus. They tried their damndest to "bring me back into thefold" and every time one of them tried, I deleted them from my social networks,email, mailing list, etc. I slowlyreleased myself from the bondage of the hell that is xtianity.

 

Today, I feel more free than I have EVER felt in mylife! I am moving forward and recoveringfrom the devastating effects of their actions and my ignorance at a recordpace! I strongly believe in the law ofattraction and it hasn't failed me yet. The best part is, I don't owe itanything but my belief that I am creating my own destiny. I won't go to hell ifI stop believing it. I am VERY happy!

 

There are so many more details to this story but I'vealready rambled long enough. The bottom line is, God never answered and hisrepresentatives sealed the deal for me, I want no part of the bullshit thatxianty is and I'll spend the next 11 years of my life writing books about whypeople should run away from it as fast as they can and also about the law ofattraction! If having to be like these freaks is what it's all about, KEEP it!And to those who want to preach to me... be prepared to have your head handedto you... I don't want to hear what you have to say, so don't even try.

 

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest... the family Ihave found here on Ex-Christian.net have become so very special to me. No airs or graces, no diva's just real peoplebeing themselves without fear of being condemned or rejected. I love you guys!

[nightflight]

Wow! Heluva story.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Wow! You've been through the ringer a few times. Good to have you here.

 

(Is there still any money in website design now that it's nearly 2011?)

[Overcame Faith]

Damn, what a tough time you had with that crowd! Some lessons in life can be very expensive and you really paid the price. But the good news is that you came to see the truth about the religion and you met your husband.

 

Somehow from what I can tell about you, you have the fortitude to turn things around and be very successful at what you're doing now. I hope you make another $3 million real soon.

[Legion]

Welcome to ex-C. That's a hell of a story! I hope you enjoy your time here.

[Guest I Love Dog]

(Is there still any money in website design now that it's nearly 2011?)

 

 

Not much! lol! I've been Webbing full-time since 1995, but being a laid-back type of person wasn't interested in big bucks, just happy working for myself.

 

Also, being a very altruistic atheist I've done heaps of sites and hosting free for charities and non-profits.

 

The big trend now is for CMS, where clients can do all their own updates and also, where a few years ago, you could charge $big for a shopping cart, you can now buy them ready made for a coupla hundred $, so that money has gone.

 

But, hey, I've set myself up for life, with a nice regular income with just a few hours work per day, so I can't complain.

 

Big bucks is big problems, as the writer of this thread can attest to!

[Guest I Love Dog]

 

Today, I feel more free than I have EVER felt in mylife! I am moving forward and recoveringfrom the devastating effects of their actions and my ignorance at a recordpace! I strongly believe in the law ofattraction and it hasn't failed me yet. The best part is, I don't owe itanything but my belief that I am creating my own destiny. I won't go to hell ifI stop believing it. I am VERY happy!

 

Was the title of your post, "Athirst" a typo or deliberate? A "thirst" for the truth, no doubt!

 

Being in charge of your own destiny and life is a great reward for leaving Bronze Age beliefs behind and dumping the reward and punishment system of heaven and hell right where it belongs; in the trash can.

 

This is a great site, with many good, supportive friends to be made. welcome!

[ExChristianAuthor]

Wow! You've been through the ringer a few times. Good to have you here.

 

(Is there still any money in website design now that it's nearly 2011?)

 

Fuego... yea, you can still make a good living from it. I specialize in eBlast marketing too (my lists are over 100 million double opt-in) and I just created my third Internet television portal which is just doing AMAZING!!!

[ExChristianAuthor]

Thanks guys... I've never felt as welcome in ANY church as I do and have right here. My title was a typo!! Ack!! Sorry my former editor quit me when she heard I was no longer a xtian HEHE.... Although, I did THIRST for the truth too...!!!

 

It took me about 4 months to get over EXTREME anger towards these freaks, but then I decided I had given them enough of myself and that included my anger too! Now... I'm just having a great time!! I believe we can accomplish anything in life, anything at all if we believe in ourselves... I realized I AM the ONLY ONE who is going to reach my dreams for me!!

[Jeremy Allen]

Thanks for sharing. Sorry for all the pain and am glad you are on the right path now.

[RubberDuck]

Can't say I'm surprised, my father is a die hard Christian and even he admits that when clients play the "Christianity card" with him, he knows at some point they're going to try to rip him off. For this reason he won't take business from within his church.

[Yalta]

Can't say I'm surprised, my father is a die hard Christian and even he admits that when clients play the "Christianity card" with him, he knows at some point they're going to try to rip him off.

 

That's too funny. Would he accept the business of someone who he KNOWS is not a Christian?

 

If the answer is no, then the ideal thing to do would be to not mention religion at all. If you're non-Christian, you're a bad person. If you're a Christian and you admit it, you're trying to rip him off.

[RubberDuck]

Can't say I'm surprised, my father is a die hard Christian and even he admits that when clients play the "Christianity card" with him, he knows at some point they're going to try to rip him off.

 

That's too funny. Would he accept the business of someone who he KNOWS is not a Christian?

 

If the answer is no, then the ideal thing to do would be to not mention religion at all. If you're non-Christian, you're a bad person. If you're a Christian and you admit it, you're trying to rip him off.

He readily accepts business from non-Christians, they're his best customers. They pay on time and don't try to nickel him to death. Since I've told him about my deconversion we've had some pretty good talks about subjects like this, we both figured that most Christians are narcissistic to some degree.

[stryper]

Little late but, wow.

 

Your story is amazing. Gald you found a different way.

 

 

[ShakenNotStirred]

Loved this! "Daughters of the King", lol! Yeah, that's about right. Never ceases to amaze me how people in "Country Club Christianity" like those authors who stiffed you on the bills can paint such a fallen human perspective on the way the Almighty runs things, and actually believe it, like there would actually be snootiness and favoritism in Heaven. So much self-delusion and conceit. Thanks for posting!

[daedelus]

Such an intriguing extimonial. Glad to have you here.