Ruined By Marriage

[FinallySunny]

After a tough childhood and tougher young adulthood I turned to god. As a child religion was not forced on me, my Mom didn't believe in that. I was free to make my own choices concerning beliefs and religion. As a young adult is where I fell into it. I had been widowed and was very vulnerable. I was left with two young children...you all see where this is going???

 

In enters "Mr. Wonderful/Concerned". He just happened to be my insurance agent who was familiar with the recent passing of my young husband. He was concerned for me and my girls and asked if we went to church. We began dating and he said he would be "serious" with no woman that did not "know god". So of course, I become a xtian. I became a xtian on a website for a religious radio station in Houston Texas. All I had to "do" was say this, think that and then go and tell someone. It felt completely cheesy, but I did so. I, of course, informed the soon to be man of my life (we'll just refer to him as the D-bag from now on). BUT I was thinking, "Wait, if I want to believe then wouldn't god know without me jumping through these hoops?" I quickly disregarded that, along with all of the other "magical" things that made no sense to me.

 

The first thing D-bag did was help to prove that god and the bibble were real. He got some lame book that was supposed to prove all of this, but I still had questions. Most unanswered questions became "a god thing" or something we were just "not meant to know". I accepted those for the time being.

 

We got married and the kids and I moved away with him for a job. During our first few years together, we hopped from church to church. D-bag had been raised a catholic but was no longer catholic. He leaned very charismatic at first but was also very confused. It was quite a ride for me, watching all of the bizarre things happen,: tongues, healings and all of that jazz. All of the sudden he went very baptist(ish). A few baptist churches and looong moves later...we found ourselves having church in our living room. I was unhappy with this and finally found a baptist but contemporary church in the next city over that he agreed to attend. Before this I had to pray and "appeal to my husband" to get even this to happen.

 

I had become depressed about 2 months into the marriage. I continued to struggle and be confused. I was continuously told by D-bag to "will myself out of depression"...that nothing could take away my will power, and to ask god for help. It wasn't working, but I carried on somehow. I hoped the new church would be enjoyable for me and "help me grow"

 

Notice all of the quotations I'm using? Sorry, they're necessary.

 

The first time we went to this church they were doing a play. Not too preachy and right up my alley. I quickly became involved and started to volunteer in the children's ministry since I had two young girls.

 

I forgot to mention that during this time my once happy and crazy funny oldest daughter became a complete non-communicator. And the baby girl? She was considered by D-bag to be a "strong-willed child" -there's a book that goes with that "problem"-that needed to be corrected. (I am not trying to get into what I think is wrong or right about discipline here, it was just wrong for me and my babies in my opinion) I had to put my foot down.

 

D-bag was also addicted to porn, which bothered me to no end. (once again, just my opinion at the time). He was particularly interested in the younger-barely legal and skinnier girls. I had gained weight (but really not much) due to my depression and this burned...especially when he told me why he preferred to spend his time "sinning" and gazing at younger girls. "They're typically skinny and don't have fat and cellulite." Followed later by "You repulse ME!". Ok, I was dying inside and shocked that a man who was supposed to love me like god loved the church was breaking my spirit down so badly. He would seek help for this sin in the form of a website monitoring program, which he knew how to get around. I knew how to find out anyway. It was never stopped...he never really had to even if he considered it a sin.

 

My depression was only getting worse. A big issue to D-Bag, because it kept me from doing my job as a wife. He was a total control freak and as hard as I tried to submit, I never really could submit enough. I had two major surgeries while with him. Both reproductive related. Both threw my body and mind into total despair. While healing from the second surgery he was horrible. I remember lying in bed and he told me to get up and do something. I told him I would do it the next day. He got very angry and told me that if I did not do what he said that he would "make your life a living hell." Luckily I was too medicated to let that throw me into a complete panic!

 

No one at my church believed me when I went to them with my problems. D-bag put on a good front, and anyway, I was supposed to submit to him. Everyone at the church told me to pray and work harder at pleasing him and god. I had other problems with our church. I had never, ever, been into using the words worship and exhault and words and thoughts of the sort. I found singing to be cheesy (again). I thought I favored something more "seeker friendly". I had totally immersed myself into the adorable world of preschoolers, becoming the one in charge of picking projects for them and teaching them. I didn't realize that the only reason I wanted to go to church was to teach the kids. I had long before begun skipping out on the other services being offered that morning and would typically stay to help with the kids instead. When pushed to attend one of the Sunday services, I decided I did not want to, I would play hooky and talk with others who wandered the church instead.

 

It finally came to an end with me and D-bag husband. He tried to get our church and numerous xtian counselors to back him up when it came to divorcing me, with no luck. He finally decided to change religious beliefs in order to find a pastor to back him up. Our church had now become MY church...and the kicker is that "even if he's wrong, you must follow your husband." according to them. One of my lady's group friends told me..."you can't let this divorce happen...you know you can never get married again." I thought she was crazy. See me sliding away.

 

Many of the women I thought were my friends had to consult with their husbands about how to deal with me. They didn't know what to do with me, etc. etc. The divorce went through. My husband was horrible about it all. My pastor was against me because I didn't follow my husband and submit to his authority. I just gave up on the whole bunch and stopped going to church. I moved on. Although, until recently, I still believed. I toyed with the idea of going back to church for a long time. I thought I missed the community aspect of it, the people, not necessarily the religion.

 

I got re-married and have been for 6 good years. My current husband is agnostic and has never been shy about this. I actually quit talking to him when I first found out. He was very upset when this happened. I eventually let it go-I realized that I truly didn't have any church friends that stuck by me and this guy wasn't so bad. He didn't push and never has, but he's always been honest and logical. Looking back I'm glad I didn't stick with my whole "the guy I date has to be a xtian" idea. Luckily my girls have never had to be exposed to D-Bag's madness again and they are my current husband's pride and joy. The ex was not their biological father and he literally said he just wanted to leave them, me, the house and have a clean slate. Oh, it hurt like you wouldn't believe at the time! But it is all for the best.

 

After a conversation with current husband the other night about attending church, I realized a lot. I worried that we would grow apart if myself and the girls went back to church. He even offered to go with me, but could not guarantee that he would not end up voicing his opinion when approached. Everything he said made a lot of sense. Mostly we talked about what religion means and I realized I'm trying to follow rules I don't believe in and have a relationship with something that I can't prove or even feel exists. Hubby has said he thinks I'm a Theist and I've been doing some research. I found this site, among others, and am finding answers and others who have been in my shoes!

 

I'm not sure what one would label me right now. Perhaps Agnostic Theist. Either way I'm here. Trying to let go of the guilt and shame that has burdened me. Getting used to not being watched and judged. Getting used to the freedom.

 

Hope this wasn't too long, thanks so much for the ears/eyes!

 

Finally Sunny

 

 

　

 

　

[MagickMonkey]

Some posts need to be long, so don't worry about that. Thanks for sharing your story!! Life is too short to be stuck in a shitty marriage. I'm glad you're not dealing with that any more.

[Overcame Faith]

Welcome to ExC, FinallySunny.

 

You have really been through the ringer. I'm glad you're now happily married.

 

If you don't mind my saying this, I just want to make an observation. You seem to be heavily influenced in your religious or non-religious beliefs by the man in your life. When your husband was a Christian, you went in that direction. Now that your husband is an agnostic, you are moving in that direction. I'm glad you are moving in that direction now, but you really need to form your own independent conclusions. Otherwise, you will be like a rudderless ship in a storm at sea, carried to where the currents and wind take you instead of going where you actually want to go. You will be much stronger in your beliefs on religious matters when you have formed your own independent views and then live your life accordingly irrespective of your husband's views.

 

So here's my advice to you. Think things through very carefully. If you decide that you don't believe in Christianity, then list your reasons for that belief and avoid as one of those reasons that your husband doesn't believe. Who knows, you may really still believe certain things since your husband has already observed that you appear to him to be a theist. It's okay to be a theist if that is what you really believe. But make that determination on your own. In short, be your own person.

[isawthelight]

Hi Finally Sunny,

 

Overcame faith gave some good advice.

 

When I finally studied and learned that the whole Christian story was a myth

and became an exchristian, my wife also immediately followed suit.

She said that if someone a intelligent as I am decided that the whole thing

was a farce then she wanted nothing to do with it.

 

Of course I was happy that she did not try to change my mind, but I really wanted

for her to come to the same conclusion that I had on her own. Not just because

I had come to the realization after much studying that the whole god and Jesus

thing was made up by man.

 

You are on the right path Finally Sunny. Keep reading what other people on this forum

have discovered, and welcome to ex-christian.

[ExChristianAuthor]

Hi Sunny...

 

I am so glad you broke free of all the junk and found someone who loves you no matter what you believe. GOOF FOR YOU! And welcome to Ex Christian! I have only been here a few months myself but I can tell you, you won't find a better bunch of people. The support you'll get here it really amazing and waaaay better than ANY church I've ever been part of.

 

In the beginning of my deconversion, I used to worry a bit about what it would be like to not fit into that crowd... then I came here and realized, this is a much better crowd and you don't need to do anything special to fit in.. it is liberating!

 

Glad you here and I'm looking forward to knowing you!

[florduh]

Welcome, Sunny!

 

There are also some D-bags around here, but you certainly don't have to submit to us them.

 

Congratulations on getting out of the dung heap.

[FinallySunny]

Welcome to ExC, FinallySunny.

 

You have really been through the ringer. I'm glad you're now happily married.

 

If you don't mind my saying this, I just want to make an observation. You seem to be heavily influenced in your religious or non-religious beliefs by the man in your life. When your husband was a Christian, you went in that direction. Now that your husband is an agnostic, you are moving in that direction. I'm glad you are moving in that direction now, but you really need to form your own independent conclusions. Otherwise, you will be like a rudderless ship in a storm at sea, carried to where the currents and wind take you instead of going where you actually want to go. You will be much stronger in your beliefs on religious matters when you have formed your own independent views and then live your life accordingly irrespective of your husband's views.

 

So here's my advice to you. Think things through very carefully. If you decide that you don't believe in Christianity, then list your reasons for that belief and avoid as one of those reasons that your husband doesn't believe. Who knows, you may really still believe certain things since your husband has already observed that you appear to him to be a theist. It's okay to be a theist if that is what you really believe. But make that determination on your own. In short, be your own person.

 

 

To Overcame Faith

 

I completely agree with you and I know how it seems, this occurred to me while writing my post. But it is just how things happened. It finally occurred to me, while arguing with my current husband about why religion and going to church was a good thing, that I totally disagreed ...with myself! Does this make sense?

 

Despite all appearances of influence, I am quite proud that I made a decision to keep myself from being influenced by some very damaging people! I was seeking something that I had never realized wasn't there. I already had the idea in my head that I would be going to church just to make some good moral friends. Better people this time. Maybe I'd get lucky and they would forever accept me and love me as I am and never ask me to follow their rules. WOW, right?

 

I came to my senses, and if someone were logical with or around me(as in someone like the people here or my current husband, for example)...then that is just how it happened. Although, if someone shares logic with me and my magical/brainwashed thinking, and helps me snap out of it and think clearly about the decisions I want to make and how they will influence my life...then I'll take that type of help any day!!!

 

I'm not trying to sound brash, just certain. I do appreciate your concern and ideas though. If I were doing this for him, it surely would not work out well. And I cannot caution enough against blindly following someone in the way I did before.

 

Thank You

 

Finally Sunny

 

"The light of the world is the sunshine you crazies."

[FinallySunny]

I am so glad you broke free of all the junk and found someone who loves you no matter what you believe. GOOF FOR YOU!

 

On a lighter note...ExChristianAuthor was that a slip??? Or perhaps you know my current husband, he is pretty goofy!!!

 

 

Finally Sunny

[FinallySunny]

Welcome, Sunny!

 

There are also some D-bags around here, but you certainly don't have to submit to us them.

 

Congratulations on getting out of the dung heap.

 

I'll remember that!

[FinallySunny]

To everyone else that replied

You are all right on with what you said. You guys seriously get it.

Thank You

 

 

[Midnight-mindwanderings]

Firstly, welcome to ex-c (its one of my favorite websites!). Your story made me sad and I've read a few like it. Christianity has a lot of potential for women to find themselves in abusive situations. It reminded me a bit of what my mom went through when she and my dad divorced. They had problems their whole marriage of 15 years and almost didn't get married at all. But they had had me out of wedlock and so both their families were determined to make them get married. My dad didn't really "rule" over my mom but the church expected her to submit to his will and she really did try. He had a porn addiction, and cheated on her at least once. Finally after years of my dad sleeping on the couch she got the divorce. Because my dad had gone to the church elders to confess his sin and publicly repented of adultery my mom was expected to forgive and forget and stay with him. She didn't like the church anyway (neither did I) so it didn't matter too much to her that they pushed her out. But she had a few friends there that never talked to her again.

 

The problem is my mom jumped right into a serious relationship with a fundy crazy christian guy who completely changed her life and made her an emotional wreck. The only time in my life we didn't get along is when she dated this guy. She did this because she had been so starved for affection from my dad that she was putting up with anything to get it. She snapped out of it and is now (a few years later) married to an agnostic guy who is awesome and has made her stronger in herself. I think your current husband is like that for you, and hope that he is. Christianity teaches women to not have a self, an identity. It teaches women that they are not qualified to make spiritual judgments. Its hard to get over all that indoctrination.

 

It takes time to figure out what you believe and why. It helps to write out any current thoughts you have and talking about them with other people. It helps to read about different philosophies. It helps to realize that its okay not to have hard and fast answers to every question, to be uncertain. When I was deconverting I would "pray" frequently. I would talk to god about what I was learning, the new ideas I had, basically telling god that I was seeking and searching. In the end it was just me talking aloud but that can be very soothing and enlightening when a train of thought takes you somewhere you didn't expect.

[Jeremy Allen]

Welcome, Sunny! I am glad you are free now. What a terrible struggle you endured. Your story is inspiring. I hope you keep telling it to other women who find themselves where you used to be.

[Overcame Faith]

Despite all appearances of influence, I am quite proud that I made a decision to keep myself from being influenced by some very damaging people!

 

I couldn't agree with you more. Yes, you have definitely taken important steps toward taking control of your life and for that you should be proud. It is never easy to let go of something that is as controlling and mind-bending as Christianity and an abusive husband (D-Bag ) who obviously used the religion as his justification for his abuse. But you are doing it! Way to go!

[no1here]

Hi there. Your story made me very sad because you seem so likable on a number of levels. I would like to make a quick observation based on my own experience.

 

It is easy to let the people in our lives, those we are closest to, in a round-about way determine what we believe if we do not have confidence. Confidence is very important because without it, you will not be satisfied with your own decisions and conclusions. Be confident! No one, NO ONE, has anymore intuitive knowledge than you do about what is going on in the world. YOU call the shots! YOU say what it looks like. When you are asked "is there a God?" or any such question you should be able to look within yourself and say what you feel most deeply. You needn't look to a husband, or even to a book by the most respected and intellectual being on the planet. What does it look like to you?

 

Maybe your perception is right, or maybe not. But I'll say this...if there were a God and that God were to fault me for all the things I couldn't be sure of, or couldn't know, I have no chance against such a being anyway. You seem smart and level headed, and you have more than enough to cope with the world on your own. I don't know much, but I don't have to know much to distinguish between the reality, delusion, and the prevarication that people participate in every day with the blind hope of attaining more knowledge than what is possible.

 

Ultimate awareness is ordinary awarenes. Ultimate truth is therefore ordinary truth.

[FinallySunny]

Funny-Now I am just listening and reading. I don't have much to say currently.

Thank you all for the support thus far!!

Finally Sunny

 

 

[charley]

I've lived in the DFW area for about a year, and feel like I am living in a mental out-patient center with all of the religious life around here.

Be careful where you look for support. Also, be kind to yourself, and remember that if we are to continue learning throughout our lives, we have to at times abandon what is believed true at times and replace it with new information. That means that at best anything is only provisionally true at any time, meaning as far as you know now. Don't look for all the answers at once. As you've seen, that's a sure-fire recipe for stupidity.

[funnieronpaper]

Hi. Just wanted to introduce myself. Been on EXC for a while now, but never re signed up a few years ago when things changed over. I'm also a young widow. My husband died 5 years ago (5 days before I turned 30), and thankfully we didn't have any kids. I posted soon after how he had been an atheist and didn't convert just because he knew he was dying and I thank him for allowing me to "loose my religion." Just wanted to let you know you're not alone with being a young widow and an ex christian. Great story and thanks for sharing.