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People Getting Insanely Angry When I Assert Myself


Moxie
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I've noticed that all my life, many people get very angry when I make a choice as an individual, not as a follower. In my family, for instance, most of them have forgotten that I'm no longer the 12 year old quiet church girl who wears long pigtails, pink ruffled dresses and black patent leather shoes. I'm 28 years old, I live where I want to and with whom I want to. I work and study at the university. And when I don't do as they expect, instead of being caught off-guard, they blow up. And by that I mean lawful things, such as choosing to remain single because I like my life this way, choosing who I want to associate with (emotionally healthy people), and choosing to sell my car because I'd rather commute by bicycle and public transit.

 

Why does being my own person make people do crazy things?

 

Can anyone relate to this?

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Oh, definitely. Though I'm only 18. It's still a pain in the ass that everyone expects me to be an adult but still their child that they can control. Bullllshittt.

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I think most of us can relate at one level or another. After all, what we all have in common is walking away from a religion that those all around us think we must follow and be in lockstep with them. I think this mindset has to do with our natural tendencies as human bings, something hardwired into us by the evolutionary process. At our core, we are very social and we tend to do what most people do. If 100,000 years ago one of our human ancestors was returning to their village in subsaharan Africa and saw their village people running toward him or her away from the village, our ancestor would have turned and run with them not knowing why they were running away. If it turned out that they were running from a wild animal intent on killing and eating one of them or running from a fire, etc., that instinct would have saved their life. We still have this trait and our tendency is to get in step with those within our community and when someone doesn't, our community thinks there is something wrong with that person. But leadership and freedom requires the ability to think through each situation and, if necessary, overcome our instincts and do the right thing regardless of what everyone else is doing. Because the downside of following our instincts all the time is that that crowd running away from the wild animal may just be running toward a cliff. The instinct only works most of the time (perhaps), but not all the time.

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I've noticed that all my life, many people get very angry when I make a choice as an individual, not as a follower. In my family, for instance, most of them have forgotten that I'm no longer the 12 year old quiet church girl who wears long pigtails, pink ruffled dresses and black patent leather shoes. I'm 28 years old, I live where I want to and with whom I want to. I work and study at the university. And when I don't do as they expect, instead of being caught off-guard, they blow up. And by that I mean lawful things, such as choosing to remain single because I like my life this way, choosing who I want to associate with (emotionally healthy people), and choosing to sell my car because I'd rather commute by bicycle and public transit.

 

Why does being my own person make people do crazy things?

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

Good for you! Continue making your own life decisions and if they cannot deal with it, it is there loss.

 

The girl I almost married had a father like your family. He has sixteen children and he micromanages every single decision they make, even though most of them are married and live on there own. It does not matter what how trivial the decision is. They could buy a pair of socks at wal mart, and if the father is not consulted first, he makes a bid ordeal out of it. What a son of a bitch.

 

It sounds like to me that the people that explode on you cannot bare the fact that you make your own decisions. They still want to control you, or they would not explode. Well guess what, fuck them. You are free to make your own life.

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Sadly, people love to control each other, they love to believe that their way is superior to every other way. I just ignore them these days. I am not here to please everyone else or to be a sheep. If people don't like me because I won't conform to the life scripts they think I should, bad luck, its my life not theirs and I only get the one. If people's acceptance and love are conditional on my performance, they can jam it - that isn't the kind of love or acceptance I need.

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Thanks for the feedback.

 

I failed to mention that I'm the youngest AND the only female sibling. There's a pecking order in the family and I'm expected to still be the sweet little girl who follows suit. The oldest of my brothers threatened my life some months ago because I chose not to cover his ass when he committed bank fraud. Instead, I told the repo guy where to find him. For a while I felt endangered, but I don't associate with most family anymore.

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Way to go! I like to think of myself as the CEO of company called ME. Is this decision in the best interests of the company? ie., me.

It helps if I take a step away from a decision and look at it in this manner. Sounds like you know what you

are doing. I myself prefer to avoid conflict. I would ignore them. I have had to do that to members of my own

family for different reasons. It was not in the company's best interests to associate with them. hehe.

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I've noticed that all my life, many people get very angry when I make a choice as an individual, not as a follower. In my family, for instance, most of them have forgotten that I'm no longer the 12 year old quiet church girl who wears long pigtails, pink ruffled dresses and black patent leather shoes. I'm 28 years old, I live where I want to and with whom I want to. I work and study at the university. And when I don't do as they expect, instead of being caught off-guard, they blow up. And by that I mean lawful things, such as choosing to remain single because I like my life this way, choosing who I want to associate with (emotionally healthy people), and choosing to sell my car because I'd rather commute by bicycle and public transit.

 

Why does being my own person make people do crazy things?

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

Word for word. Even the part about selling your car and riding your bike. I did the same when we invaded Iraq. My family just doesn't understand why I think for myself and don't just do like they do. Im a vegetarian who brings his own food to holiday dinners, yet my mother told me that my diet is an inconvenience to her; she actually got mad at me when I became a vegetarian, why I do not know.

 

I've come to realize my family tolerates me but doesn't actually like me. I've stopped caring about that recently too. I soon will move out of state and hopefully barely see any of them again. It's sad, but to thine own self be true...

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It could be because you live in Alaska, the state that gave us Sarah Palin and Joe Miller. :HaHa:

 

Well, half-serious. I've often gotten the impression that people up there are often ornery and a little bit crazy.

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Thanks for the feedback.

 

I failed to mention that I'm the youngest AND the only female sibling. There's a pecking order in the family and I'm expected to still be the sweet little girl who follows suit. The oldest of my brothers threatened my life some months ago because I chose not to cover his ass when he committed bank fraud. Instead, I told the repo guy where to find him. For a while I felt endangered, but I don't associate with most family anymore.

 

What a piece of shit threatening his little baby sister. Wow, what a big tough guy he is. He commits bank fraud, and threatens the life of people and he is a Christian: doesn't surprise me in the least.

 

Oh, well your not at the bottom of the pecking order any more, so screw him.

 

What you need to do is start dating a guy who is a professional cage fighter, and when one of your punk brothers mouthes off, have your boyfriend pay him a little visit. It will only take about three seconds for your boyfriend to have him on his knees begging for mercy.

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I don't live in Alaska; that's just my username, and hardly anyone in my family really cares for religion.

 

Luckily I have another brother who is an atheist, who does care about me. But I've found that most people either lose it or drop me when they discover I'm not the person they want me to be.

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I don't really have anyone explode on me but I do have people questioning my every move, and that gets annoying. It will either be my mother worrying about pretty much any decision I make or friends undercutting any joy I try to get from new purchases. If it wasn't so cheap living at home (I've calculated living out of home, more than half my wages would go to weekly bills as opposed to 1/7 as it is currently standing) I'd move out and segregate myself from my annoying "friends".

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I don't live in Alaska; that's just my username, and hardly anyone in my family really cares for religion.

 

Luckily I have another brother who is an atheist, who does care about me. But I've found that most people either lose it or drop me when they discover I'm not the person they want me to be.

 

 

I have lived through pretty much the same thing and it gets like living near a train track.Eventually you dont even hear the train and can ignore them at will. I think what they see is the loss of control and manipulation the had on their "little" sister. Live you own life and those that can't handle it tell them to piss off!!!!

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Oh, I can relate to that completely. I only wish people could learn to stop trying to control the lives of others and just be more accepting of people for who they are as people.

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Alaska seeing as you are not overly needful of getting laid then I think you are pretty much a genetic non-player. You will likely have no children, so your assertiveness is so much huff and puff. You will be here and then you will be gone, like morning dew. Why should your need to assert yourself mean anything to those of us who will actually give birth to future generations?

 

Go play with your toys, and leave the adults alone.

 

:HaHa:

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Alaska seeing as you are not overly needful of getting laid then I think you are pretty much a genetic non-player. You will likely have no children, so your assertiveness is so much huff and puff. You will be here and then you will be gone, like morning dew. Why should your need to assert yourself mean anything to those of us who will actually give birth to future generations?

 

Go play with your toys, and leave the adults alone.

 

:HaHa:

 

 

Shot you down, did she? :wicked:

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Alaska seeing as you are not overly needful of getting laid then I think you are pretty much a genetic non-player. You will likely have no children, so your assertiveness is so much huff and puff. You will be here and then you will be gone, like morning dew. Why should your need to assert yourself mean anything to those of us who will actually give birth to future generations?

 

Go play with your toys, and leave the adults alone.

 

:HaHa:

 

 

Shot you down, did she? :wicked:

:lmao: Nah, but I do think she's cute.

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Alaska seeing as you are not overly needful of getting laid then I think you are pretty much a genetic non-player. You will likely have no children, so your assertiveness is so much huff and puff. You will be here and then you will be gone, like morning dew. Why should your need to assert yourself mean anything to those of us who will actually give birth to future generations?

 

Go play with your toys, and leave the adults alone.

 

:HaHa:

 

Yes, daddy!!!

 

:HaHa:

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Yes, daddy!!!

 

:HaHa:

Okay, so that turned me on a bit. :unsure:

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I always wonder if my being a loner to the extent that I am makes me somewhat "crazy." But then again, who or what defines "crazy"?

 

Like HappyChef, I think that my family/background makes me want to resist that type of subversive manipulation as well, even as it costs me certain relationships. Why do I need them at all? Families are created and maintained. Blood and genetics have nothing to do with it.

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Growing up I was typically a follower, albeit there were some things I refused to go along with much to my mother's dismay. One that sticks out is that I flat out refused to be a girly-girl. I wanted nothing to do with it, and even now I'd rather not, although I've gotten a bit better I will never be the type to get up early just so I can do my hair and makeup everyday. I'd prefer not to worry about it at all, but unfortunately I'm going into a career field where I occasionally need to at least look a little stylish, and this takes some practice, so I'm trying a bit more than I used to (or, to be honest, even want to).

 

So, the first few times I made a decision that did not fall into lines with my mother's opinion, and she was unable to sway me, let's just say there were a lot of loooong nights spent "discussing" my choices (which involved a lot of yelling). The first time this really happened was when I decided to marry my husband....mum wanted to keep me around, and I don't think it was a matter of my hubby "not being good enough" - it was a matter of him upsetting her little world. So no actual life threats or anything that serious, but blow ups in the form of legal adult temper tantrums - oh, yes. Got plenty of those.

 

The good thing is, eventually they give it up. Took my mum the better part of 5 years (or more) to really get over herself, but she's gotten a bit better, at least as far as I'm concerned. Thing is, she's a micro-manager type of parent (homeschooled, hell as long as I lived at home I still had a curfew - even at 24 years old, when mom was living in the house I owned!) so now I think that control has refocused on to other people. Dunno if she'll ever get over it....

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I guess I lucked out in this area. Even though my father raised me as a Roman Catholic, he didn't make a huge fuss about my decision to leave the church and become Pagan. Once I hit 18, he let me have the freedom I wanted, just telling me that if I needed any advice, then I could come to him. The only member of my family that seemed to be majorly insulted about my deconversion was my older brother who's a born-again. He tries to pull me into debates every time he sees me, but I've learned to ignore him for the most part.

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