Is This Normal?

[Guest Broken Chains]

Is it normal to be constantly plagued with fear? I'm not talking about a fear of hell, or anything necessarily religious, but fear of what's going on in the world. Fear that we could be nuked and wiped off the face of this planet any day now... Fear that we could be taken captive as prisoners... Fear that the enonomy will crash... Pretty much worse case scenario type fears. And I would be lying if I said my religious brainwashing didn't make it a whole lot worse. I thought I was overcoming that, but it's starting to rise up again... I swear, I am trying to change. I'm trying my best to kill old habits and basically put my old self to death. But I'm not doing a very good job.

 

I found a list of online counselors, and as soon as I find the words to say (I've already tried typing something up once) I'm going to start talking to someone via email. I don't have a lot of money, so I doubt I can keep these sessions going for long, but as long as it's doing some good, I will keep it going as long as I can. I would rather be broke and happy than be paranoid with money.

 

I'm ashamed. I thought I was making progress. I know I'm not normal, but is it normal to have these kinds of fears? Have any of you experienced the same thing? Or am I alone in this?

[Randi]

I think we live in unsure times and it's natural to have some fears. However, I think the wars, famines, and desperate times of generations past are a testament to the strength of human spirit. Focus on the good in the world, that's what I do when I find myself lacking hope.

[florduh]

The fear mongers are everywhere. Fear motivates people to buy, support and vote. The tool of fear is being used more than ever. You are not alone.

[XcaliburGirl]

I think everybody gets freaked out at some point and that's normal. I don't think you should accept as your everyday mindset though. I hope the online counseling helps you work through some fears. I figure, my life is going to end some day in some way, so it's not like the worst case scenarios have a different ending than usual way.

 

Also, try to let go of that "death to the old self" aspect of Christianity. It's OK, you're human. It's definitely normal to need some time to develop your thinking, especially when giving up something so essential to the way your thought before. You don't have to excoriate yourself, though. As Randi said, focus on the positive. Everyone goes through times when they change their minds about things, or have to process new information. It's unrealistic to expect oneself to do a full switch all at once.

[par4dcourse]

Fear is one of the most basic human emotions. It serves a crucial purpose, but as you've seen, can be a problem when unrestrained.

 

My way of coping is to discard fears of things I can't possibly change or influence, like terrorism and the world economy. There are people who are working on those problems, but short of electing reps that vow to help, I can do little and it is therefore silly for me to worry.

 

Concern for the current state of affairs is quite normal, but "worrying" accomplishes nothing. Hope this helps.

 

Good luck

 

--Larry

[SoulofSilver]

No, you're not alone. It's gotten so bad that I don't watch the news anymore, just do a quick scan online each day to see if there's something "worth" reading. A lot of it is scare tactics. People will tune in to find out "secrets" be it financially, emotionally, relationships, the latest diet craze, religion as well that they're convinced will save or help them. Buying into feeling the need for all that creates more harm than good. How many people ruin relationships by following Cosmo's latest article about catching a guy? How many people listening to bad advice from so called "money magazines" and contributed to the financial issues we have now?

 

Could terrible things happen. Yeah, sure. I could die tomorrow, we could be nuked, my dad could lose his job. But on the flip side of that... what the odds are on, is that everything will continue on in mediocrity.

[ilovemybrain]

I know it's normal to have some fears, but it sounds like you're wise to seek professional help if it's getting in the way of your daily life. Best of luck to you!

 

Personally, I have found that I have somewhat less fear as an ex-christian. I think before, I was always afraid of whether I got salvation quite right, and what if my doctrine was a little off, or I wasn't quite sincere enough, and I'd go to hell? Now, I know I will be in the same state I was before I was born. Ironically, I also used to fear coming to the end of my life and realizing I had wasted it living for a religion that was a lie, and not really living fully and joyfully and true to myself. This is part of what led me to deconvert. I want to live fully and have no regrets, because I really believe this life is all we have. So I want to make a difference in people's lives, but not to the point of giving up myself and my own happiness. I no longer fear hell or demons, or even what church people think of me.

 

I sincerely hope for you that you're able to find relief from your fears, and find joy and fulfillment in your freedom to live.

[hereticzero]

These are very trying and difficult times, emotionally and financially. There are those in the world looking to do us all harm, I mean all of humanity when I say 'us.' Terrorists have shown they are willing to use our own public transportation as weapons against us. This is not fear mongering but a fact proven by 9-11 and our continued war in Afghanistan and threats from terrorists worldwide. I keep grounded by reminding myself that the odds of being a victim of terrorism is a lot less than being killed by slipping in the bathtub and breaking my neck, or being struck by lightening. Neither of which is preferable but it gives me a psychological edge and lessens my panic attacks. Life and death are every day events. No one knows how long we have to live as individuals and I take each day at a time and keep my gun close to hand--I don't patrol the house and yard with it but I can get to it in a hurry if I have to. I am not paranoid, at least my doctor says so, but I do find that having the ability to at least defend my small area, my home, from those who would wish me harm is psychologically encouraging to me and it also helps my family to feel safe too. I do not encourage people to buy a gun without knowing how to use one, which is more harmful at times than not having one. I do encourage people to pay attention to those around them and it never hurts to strike up a conversation with strangers, it puts everyone at ease when we 'know' those around us.

[BrotherJosh]

Also, much of this fear is perpetuated by the 24 hour news cycle. They need viewer-ship, so they will hype up any story (Breaking News, Exclusive, Insider Look, Parents Beware, War on Christmas etc...) to make it more interesting. An easy example are weather forecasters, if a storm front is coming in, it'll be the storm of the century with hurricane force winds, tornadoes, lightning, ice, sleet, and zombies (see also any latest "epidemic" like swine flu)...Point is, focus on the good stuff, live your life, find a passion or hobby and go do it.

 

As far as not having money for counseling, depending on your income level and location, you should look into Medicaid or some other form of assistance that may be able to help you out money wise...

[hereticzero]

BTW: Your fears are normal.

[Randi]

Also, much of this fear is perpetuated by the 24 hour news cycle. They need viewer-ship, so they will hype up any story (Breaking News, Exclusive, Insider Look, Parents Beware, War on Christmas etc...)

 

There's a war on Christmas?! What sort of sick fuck???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest Broken Chains]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I'm not necessarily afraid that I'll die one day, but I have to say, one of my biggest fears is dying unfulfilled. Dying with a lot of problems unresolved, a lot of goals and ambitions not met, etc.

[texmex2003]

I used to suffer from the same issue. I read a book, unfortuantely, I cannot remember the name of it that really helped me. Basically, it showed how our government uses distant threats and overblows them to convince us to give up more and more of our rights. Think of America today against America ten years ago. Ten years ago, we would never have dreamed of allowing a government worker fondle us because we were going to travel by plane. Government has always used fear to group one group against another as a distraction, so they can continue to grab more power.

 

Three book also explains how the media uses our fears to get us to watch their broadcasts. They make mountains out of molehills out of everything. Start watching their promos for a show that is days away. "your children are in danger", "could this happen to you", blah, blah, blah. If anything was that bad, they would tell me now.

 

How many diseases, viruses have our government and media told us we need to be afraid of in the last decade that did not come to fruition? SARS, SWine flu, Avian flu, smallpox.

 

I have started looking at the government and the media with their fearmongering as no different than the end times fanatics.

Yes, a nuke may fall tomorrow, but they have been saying that for fifty years and it hasn't happened yet. I tornado may hit my house tonight, but it has stood for 30 years. I have learned to let go of the things that I cannot control.

 

There are many scary "what ifs" but I am far more likely to die as a result of heart disease or cancer than I am of some exotic disease or in a terrorist attack.

 

If I can find the title of the book I will post it.

 

 

The name of the book is FAlSE ALARM by Marc Siegel.

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Broken Chains. I think you've gotten a lot of very helpful and insightful posts from members here. They all have a slightly different take on your issue and that is good because all of us have a different perspective on life.

 

Whether your fear is "normal" is a very subjective thing. As was pointed out above, fear can be a very healthy thing. For example, it is extremely helpful to have a fear of running into a burning building, or jumping off a 1000 foot cliff without a parachute (or even with one, if you're me), or swimming at a beach with five adult great white sharks in the waters in your area. The question is whether your fears are out of proportion to reality and if they are whether that is having an adverse effect on your life.

 

You mentioned the fear of being nuked off the face of the earth. That is a real possibility, of course. But please carefully note that I used the word "possibility" advisedly. I did not say probability. I think it's eight or so countries now known to have nuclear weapons and it is at least somewhat possible (not probable) that more rogue nations could get them. Then there's the possibility (not probability) that some terrorist group could get their hands on one. Our collective fear of the nuclear holocaust justifies, in my opinion, us having a nuclear deterrent and to have security forces within the U.S. keeping on the lookout as well as our having spy agencies do intelligence work to determine what the realities of the situation are. Those fears also justify every person in the U.S. being wary of unusual situations, especially in places like airports, and reporting them to the authorities. But is one justified in losing sleep at home over the issue on an ongoing basis? This is arguable, but I would come down on the side of saying no. We have to trust that the authorities are doing all they can do to keep the risk to a minimum and to know that worrying without more is counterproductive and individually harmful.

 

What you will want to determine is whether your fears are reasonably justified and then if your actions are out of proportion to the realities of the situation. Talking with someone can help you determine this. If your fears are out of proportion, then you may need some therapy to help you cope.

[Guest Broken Chains]

I have to be honest. I think the fears are because of religion. End time fears. Thoughts of being killed and waking up in hell. The wrath of God being unleashed. Things of that nature. I know a guy who has prophetic dreams that I used to listen to, who, a long time ago, said something about a war breaking out, something to do with Korea, then that being time for Americans to flee the country. I would watch the video to see if that has anything to do with what's going on now, but I'm afraid to do so because it will elevate my anxiety and I won't be able to get it out of my head. It's becoming obvious now that all my problems are centered around religion. If I take care of that problem, that should take care of everything.

 

I'm going to email a counselor tonight.

[Overcame Faith]

I have to be honest. I think the fears are because of religion. End time fears. Thoughts of being killed and waking up in hell. The wrath of God being unleashed. Things of that nature. I know a guy who has prophetic dreams that I used to listen to, who, a long time ago, said something about a war breaking out, something to do with Korea, then that being time for Americans to flee the country. I would watch the video to see if that has anything to do with what's going on now, but I'm afraid to do so because it will elevate my anxiety and I won't be able to get it out of my head. It's becoming obvious now that all my problems are centered around religion. If I take care of that problem, that should take care of everything.

 

I'm going to email a counselor tonight.

 

Yes, if your fears are, in fact, centered around the religion, then taking care of that may very well take care of everything else.

 

There have been a number of people who have come here with fears centered around end times events, hell, and the like. You are not odd or unusual in that regard. You just have to come to terms with the straightforward FACT that Christianity is a lie through and through. There are no prophecies of any kind. There is no end-time scenario of any kind. There is no hell. There is no satanic force whose goal is to raise up an anti-Christ who will get people to follow him to their doom in hell. There is no seven year period. There will be no rapture. There will be no mark of the beast. There will be no Armageddon. There will be no army of 200,000,000. There will be no ultimate return of Jesus. None of that is true even in the slightest.

[Guest Broken Chains]

You just have to come to terms with the straightforward FACT that Christianity is a lie through and through.

 

True. But, that's a conclusion that I can only come to myself. If I claim to believe that, then I have to believe it because of conclusions that I honestly came to, instead of saying that I believe it for some other reason.

[Overcame Faith]

You just have to come to terms with the straightforward FACT that Christianity is a lie through and through.

 

True. But, that's a conclusion that I can only come to myself. If I claim to believe that, then I have to believe it because of conclusions that I honestly came to, instead of saying that I believe it for some other reason.

 

I am in 100% agreement with you. You must work to determine the truth and then be prepared to accept the truth. When you do, your chains will, indeed, be broken.

[Guest riverrunner]

anyone can say korean war will spark again they never officially ended it. predictions must be testable and independently verified and they never are. pastors and fortune tellers are just the same. Pastor: "If you are hurting, maybe you had a medical issue come up, maybe its trouble at work or job loss, come to the alter". Fortune teller: "I sense someone in the audience is grieving for a deceased loved one." its all just fishing and you are bound to get some bites.

[Crazy Donna]

Is it normal to be constantly plagued with fear? I'm not talking about a fear of hell, or anything necessarily religious, but fear of what's going on in the world. Fear that we could be nuked and wiped off the face of this planet any day now... Fear that we could be taken captive as prisoners... Fear that the enonomy will crash... Pretty much worse case scenario type fears. And I would be lying if I said my religious brainwashing didn't make it a whole lot worse. I thought I was overcoming that, but it's starting to rise up again... I swear, I am trying to change. I'm trying my best to kill old habits and basically put my old self to death. But I'm not doing a very good job.

 

I found a list of online counselors, and as soon as I find the words to say (I've already tried typing something up once) I'm going to start talking to someone via email. I don't have a lot of money, so I doubt I can keep these sessions going for long, but as long as it's doing some good, I will keep it going as long as I can. I would rather be broke and happy than be paranoid with money.

 

I'm ashamed. I thought I was making progress. I know I'm not normal, but is it normal to have these kinds of fears? Have any of you experienced the same thing? Or am I alone in this?

The only reason you are constantly plagued with fear about stuff is because your brain is a highly evolved, highly tuned piece of survival equipment, designed to work at it's best when there is stuff to be afraid of.

 

When there isn't stuff to be afraid of, your brain, honed by millions of years of evolution, makes stuff to be afraid of. It happens to everyone, and it's totally normal. Everyone has their paranoid moments. You just have them a bit more often than many of us, and just need some coping strategies to manage this.

 

I'm glad you're talking to a counsellor. I think that's great.

 

You're totally normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing slightly higher than normal levels of anxiety.

 

I think your brain needs something very traumatic to happen, so it learns to differentiate between legitimate, life threatening fear, and the shit your brain is making up to entertain itself. However, that's not a suggestion!

 

I would recommend you read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. It helped me a lot with my anxiety issues. I now ask myself "Is this something that is really going to harm me, or is my mind just overreacting?" Just thinking that sometimes is enough to steel me into not reacting to things with panic. I also work a pretty stressful job, so this has trained me not to panic when things get out of control.

 

It's just practice, practice, practice. Ask yourself exactly how likely it is that any of those above things are to occur. We haven't been nuked to buggery yet. Your nation has not been invaded. Britney Spears is not President. It's okay. Take a step back. Rank these things on a scale of 1-10 as to how likely they are to occur. If the tanks are not driving down your street, you're most likely okay.

 

I had a few very traumatic experiences. I have been chased by a madman with a machete intent on killing me. I can confidently say I know what the diffrence is between real fear (which is a biological impulse that preserves your life) and anxiety, which is not real fear, and serves no purpose but to piss you off and make you miserable.

 

When you're running for your life, you do not think. You just act. If you have time to think, it's not fear. It's anxiety. Do not respect your anxiety.

[Ro-bear]

No, you are not alone. But you do need help. It is not normal to be plagued with fear to the extent that it is is any sense debilitating. We all have stress in our lives, annoying, low-level stress that occasionally is worse. But worrying about all those things you worry about? Hell no. It is unnatural, unhealthy, and maladaptive to worry so much about things you have so little control over. If you can't come to terms with this on your own, talk to somebody. Maybe friends and family can do the job. Maybe you need more intervention. But no way would I continue living in fear. You don't have to.

[Guest Broken Chains]

I can't find the words to say to this counselor.... I badly want professional help, but I don't know what to say. I want to make it count. I'm sick of waking up and living every single day in fear, guilt, failure, instability. I can't take it. Looking in the mirror, watching myself do the things I do, it boils up the anger inside. I honestly don't know what to believe in. I'm unstable, being tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine that comes along. Atheist, agnostic, deist, christian, I don't know what's real... I'm open minded enough to accept pretty much anything, but I don't know how to discern everything that is coming my way. I thought putting on a front and convincing myself that I was alright, basically faking it, would help.... it didn't, it just made me come back down to reality, showing me how fucked up I am in the head. I even catch myself praying desperate cries for deliverance. I don't know. I don't know how to properly fit everything I need to say in one email. My thoughts are racing by too fast for me to organize them properly. My mind is too clouded. Maybe if it wasn't, I might could even help myself more than I'm currently able to. I don't know. I think there's very little hope left for this situation. There's a glimmer of light in a dark, dark, place. The light seems to disappear when I run towards it, but it never totally goes away.... but I still can't reach it for whatever reason.

[Overcame Faith]

I can't find the words to say to this counselor.... I badly want professional help, but I don't know what to say. I want to make it count. I'm sick of waking up and living every single day in fear, guilt, failure, instability. I can't take it. Looking in the mirror, watching myself do the things I do, it boils up the anger inside. I honestly don't know what to believe in. I'm unstable, being tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine that comes along. Atheist, agnostic, deist, christian, I don't know what's real... I'm open minded enough to accept pretty much anything, but I don't know how to discern everything that is coming my way. I thought putting on a front and convincing myself that I was alright, basically faking it, would help.... it didn't, it just made me come back down to reality, showing me how fucked up I am in the head. I even catch myself praying desperate cries for deliverance. I don't know. I don't know how to properly fit everything I need to say in one email. My thoughts are racing by too fast for me to organize them properly. My mind is too clouded. Maybe if it wasn't, I might could even help myself more than I'm currently able to. I don't know. I think there's very little hope left for this situation. There's a glimmer of light in a dark, dark, place. The light seems to disappear when I run towards it, but it never totally goes away.... but I still can't reach it for whatever reason.

 

Broken Chains: Every word you wrote which I quoted above would be my recommendation for what to e-mail to the counselor. I think they speak volumes.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Whether it conveys my thoughts properly or not, I'm about to send something. I'll include that bit from my post.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Here's what I'm going to say.

 

I don't really know what to say or where to begin. I'm lost, angry, confused, hopeless. I feel as if happiness is an illusion, and reality is one huge nightmare.

 

I have depression, OCD, and who knows what else. I'm not right in the head. My mental life is hell. I'm bonded by the chains that I created. I can't break them. I've talked to so many people trying to seek help. Family, friends, pastors, youth pastors, etc. I've shared more information than I care to think about, which did nothing but make me out to be a poor pathetic charity case. I've tried a few antidepressants, which did nothing but make me tired. I've seen a religious counselor a number of times, which did absolutely nothing except waste my time and waste my parents money. I saw what I thought was going to be a secular psychiatrist, then right after the first session I knew that wasn't going to work. I've done a lot of reading and learning about various subjects, trying to help myself. I've tried to run from my problems, pretend I'm alright, basically try to fool myself. Nothing is working. I've thought about suicide a lot lately, as a last resort. Even that's not an option, because it would only get me to hell sooner. There's no way out. I'm doomed, damned, without an escape. Sending this email is my last cry for help. And if this doesn't work, then what? I don't know. I guess either send myself to a physical hell, or continue to rot in my own mental hell. Continue to go mentally insane, I guess. Maybe wind up in the asylum one day, I don't know. I really don't care anymore. I have no future anyway. I don't know how much you charge per email, or how any of that works. I probably can't afford to keep this up for long, but I'm willing to try it, anyway.

 

It all started with one thing. I already know the exact root of most of my problems. It all started when I, as a Christian, decided to start taking my faith seriously. I was probably about 15 at the time. I was pretty much fine before that. I was raised in the church and all that, but I didn't fully take it seriously, even though I doubted my salvation all the time. My best memories were when I was a kid, before I brought all this religious nonsense into my life. Those were the best times of my life, and I would give anything to go back to that kind of mindset. But I can't. Me, deciding to "get serious" for God, was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. The moment I did that, it gave birth to a slow, painful, endless cycle of depression and mental anguish. But I couldn't see that at the time. I saw it as something good, something I needed to do, something that would bring me peace. It did the opposite. It didn't happen overnight, it all happened very slowly. I don't recall exactly what order things happened in, or how to describe it. I just know what it did to my mind. I started reading the Bible, paying attention in church, praying a lot, etc. That's when my OCD symptoms started. At the time, I saw it as conviction of the Holy Spirit, but now I know that's a lie. I started getting on these crazy fundamentalist websites, and that got the ball rolling. First it was my music, constantly obsessing over whether or not it was a sin to listen to secular music. So finally, tired of obsessing about it all the time, I gave it up, and started listening to "Christian" rock. At first I felt good about it, and it made me feel like I was on fire for the Lord. But it didn't take long for that peace to go away, when I started doing the same thing again, wondering if my "Christian music" was of the devil. I watched, read, and listened to tons of things about the occult, the illuminati, and how the music industry was connected to all that. That messed me up in the head. So finally, feeling like all music (music that didn't put me to sleep, that is) was inspired by the devil, I gave that up. Next, it was my Bible translations. Reading tons about why exactly the King James Version was the only inspired version, and why all the others were of the devil. Which, I have to admit, is somewhat laughable to me now. Anyway, I wrestled with that for a long time, finally giving that up. Next, it got even crazier. I started listening to a cult-like group, that was not only KJV-only, but they even went so far with it that they believed that only a CERTAIN KIND of KJV Bible was correct. Something they called the Pure Cambridge Edition. All that was different about it was the way some words in it were spelled, or capitalized. This edition was hard to find. I remember, I had a huge check list of the way certain words were supposed to be spelled. No joke, I would actually take this list, which was usually 2 or 3 filled out pieces of paper, both front and back, and I would go to the Christian book store, go through all the KJV Bibles, and look up these verses to see if these words were spelled right. I was insane. Being unable to find this particular version of the Bible that I was looking for, I would stress myself out, feeling like I wasn't right with God for not owning this particular kind of Bible. Which just seem crazy to me, now that I look back. I don't remember how exactly I got over that, but more and more things started coming up, making the religious OCD worse. I'm not even going to be specific in everything that I struggled with, because there were so many things. It got so bad, that I even started wondering if it was a sin to own a dog of a mixed breed, because of a verse in the Old Testament. Other than all of that, one other thing that I struggled with for a time, was when I first learned about the unforgivable sin that Jesus talked about in the gospels. The night I found out about that..... it brought my to tears, because I honestly thought that I had done it. Reason being, I struggle with random, unwanted, uncontrollable thoughts. I know now that's a symptom of OCD, but at the time, I thought it was because I was being oppressed by demons. I would try to "cast them out" in the name of Jesus, but it never worked. The particular thought that had me so worked up, thinking I was damned, was when the words "fuck God" would pop up in my head. I hated it so much. The more I fought it, the worse they got. Now, I know why that was, but at the time, I was too crazy to see it. Ironically, now that I don't worry about that, now that I see it for what it is, now that I've lightened up about it, I don't get those thoughts as much anymore. Anyway, that's my brief explanation of that chapter of my life. A chapter I'm glad to say is over. But, it doesn't get much better.... that only led into other things.

 

I got fed up with the craziness and slowly backed away from religion. Basically, I became an ex-christian. That would be alright if it was because I just couldn't believe in it anymore, but that wasn't the case. I got tired of believing in it because of what it did to my mind, pretty much because I didn't like it. So I tried my best to stop believing in it. As of now, I'm not even sure what I believe. I see flaws in Christianity, but on the other hand, because of certain things, I feel like it has to be true. I can't find a worldview that makes sense in my mind. Worldview A doesn't make sense without something from worldview B, and vice versa. Yet, they can't both be true... so it doesn't make sense. I find parts of my past laughable, wondering how I could possibly get so caught up in some of those things. I'm better in that sense, but in another sense, I'm not. I'm paranoid about demons, prophecy, world events and how they supposedly tie into all of that. I can't get it out of my head. All I do is live in fear, every day of my life. I lost the "God is love" image from my mind a long, long time ago. I see very, very little love in the Bible. I have this hateful, pissed off tyrant stuck in my head. That's what I believe in... a nightmare. I can't explain that in detail, but believe me.... it's true. If it weren't for a few things, I wouldn't see any reason to believe that the Bible was true. But some of the things that I brainwashed myself with, some of these unexplainable stories that have pretty much been verified to be true, make it seem that Christianity HAS to be true. I'e heard all kinds of crazy shit, things that can't be explained away if Christianity is not true.... I don't know what to think. And I know what some might say... if you believe it so strongly, why not just go back to it? Because, it teaches things that I do not and cannot support. True biblical Christianity is a hateful cult. That's not legalism, that's the truth. I can't go back to it with pure motives. But what if it is true? Does that mean I should become a wilfull rebel? I don't know.... Besides, a while back I tried to blaspheme the Holy Spirit (the unforgivable sin) on purpose, just so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. That was pretty stupid, and it obviously didn't work. But those were my motives, so I would say biblically, I might be damned. I don't know. I'm confused. My thoughts are racing by so fast that I don't know how to properly organize them and talk about it. My mind is clouded. I truly hate who I am, what I've allowed myself to become, and I feel so much shame. I don't think I am capable of truly loving anyone. My family has showed me so much love, and I feel nothing but anger because of certain things.... What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't function..... I want this person I've become to die.... I want to be rebirthed into something else.

 

I don't know.... Part of me wants to go back if possible, but true, biblical Christianity scares the shit out of me, it elevates my anxiety to such an extreme, to the point where I'm literally afraid to watch certain videos that I used to. If I watch them, it makes me paranoid to an even bigger extent. Something has to be done. There's got to be a way to overcome this thing that I've been fighting for so long. I need help. Please tell me that you can offer me the help that I need, because I'm dying inside.

 

Whether this will help or not I don't know, but here is something I said on a message board that I was recommended to share with you:

 

"I can't find the words to say to this counselor.... I badly want professional help, but I don't know what to say. I want to make it count. I'm sick of waking up and living every single day in fear, guilt, failure, instability. I can't take it. Looking in the mirror, watching myself do the things I do, it boils up the anger inside. I honestly don't know what to believe in. I'm unstable, being tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine that comes along. Atheist, agnostic, deist, christian, I don't know what's real... I'm open minded enough to accept pretty much anything, but I don't know how to discern everything that is coming my way. I thought putting on a front and convincing myself that I was alright, basically faking it, would help.... it didn't, it just made me come back down to reality, showing me how fucked up I am in the head. I even catch myself praying desperate cries for deliverance. I don't know. I don't know how to properly fit everything I need to say in one email. My thoughts are racing by too fast for me to organize them properly. My mind is too clouded. Maybe if it wasn't, I might could even help myself more than I'm currently able to. I don't know. I think there's very little hope left for this situation. There's a glimmer of light in a dark, dark, place. The light seems to disappear when I run towards it, but it never totally goes away.... but I still can't reach it for whatever reason."

 

Now, all I need to do is pick someone out of this list of counselors.