Is This Normal?

[Crazy Donna]

There is no cut off point. Just try again.

 

Talking about battling OCD, you're right. But this isn't just about that. It now involves other things, things that have nothing to do with religion. There's something else, something new, that is driving me into that hopeless attitude more than anything. It's true that religion does the same thing, but when dealing with that, even when I felt pissed off, afraid, and hopeless, there was always this tiny shred of hope that I kept in my mind. I almost think the reason I talk about myself in such a worthless and hopeless way is because I'm trying to push myself towards that light. But even when dealing with this fear mongering religious shit, I had a little bit of hope, or I wouldn't even be talking about it. But something else has happened that has taken that small shred of hope away. Maybe it's still there, or maybe it will just take a drastic change in perspective to start seeing it, but I really think that one thing has taken that little bit of hope away from me, leaving me with none. I don't know yet, I guess we'll see.

Do you know what that thing is? The thing that is making you so depressed? Is it a real thing, or just a feeling you have? Is it a situation?

 

More importantly, is it something that you could do something about? Or is it, legitimately, beyond your control? I don't mean in the context that you don't know what to do about it. I mean is it something like world hunger or HIV AIDS, or Lindsay Lohan.

[renoliz]

Love the idea about buying another notebook and putting positive stuff in it. I still have several notebooks around here somewhere that I have lots of positive sayings and quotes in. I don't need it anymore though it took me quite sometime to get that negative voice out of my head telling me I was not worthwhile. It still comes back once in awhile but that voice is wrong and I never let it take over my feelings anymore.

 

One notebook for ranting, venting and getting angry and one for the positive or uplifting things you read or find out about yourself. I like it.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Do you know what that thing is? The thing that is making you so depressed? Is it a real thing, or just a feeling you have? Is it a situation?

 

More importantly, is it something that you could do something about? Or is it, legitimately, beyond your control? I don't mean in the context that you don't know what to do about it. I mean is it something like world hunger or HIV AIDS, or Lindsay Lohan.

 

It's hard to explain. It's more along the lines of a situation, one that is most likely beyond my control. Nothing worth talking about.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Love the idea about buying another notebook and putting positive stuff in it. I still have several notebooks around here somewhere that I have lots of positive sayings and quotes in. I don't need it anymore though it took me quite sometime to get that negative voice out of my head telling me I was not worthwhile. It still comes back once in awhile but that voice is wrong and I never let it take over my feelings anymore.

 

One notebook for ranting, venting and getting angry and one for the positive or uplifting things you read or find out about yourself. I like it.

 

I dig the idea about putting quotes in there, but as far as happy, positive, everything is gonna be okay, nothing is ever bad, everything is always good type things..... not so much.

[Crazy Donna]

Love the idea about buying another notebook and putting positive stuff in it. I still have several notebooks around here somewhere that I have lots of positive sayings and quotes in. I don't need it anymore though it took me quite sometime to get that negative voice out of my head telling me I was not worthwhile. It still comes back once in awhile but that voice is wrong and I never let it take over my feelings anymore.

 

One notebook for ranting, venting and getting angry and one for the positive or uplifting things you read or find out about yourself. I like it.

 

I dig the idea about putting quotes in there, but as far as happy, positive, everything is gonna be okay, nothing is ever bad, everything is always good type things..... not so much.

Thats not the sort of stuff I meant anyway.

 

I meant things like your goals, and what you plan to do to get to them. Good things you did today. Good things you'd like to do.

 

For example, you might help an old lady accross the road. Write that down.

 

Writing unrealistic bullshit like "Everything is gonna be okay!" Is just as unhelpful as constantly telling yourself you're a worthless piece of shit.

[Crazy Donna]

Do you know what that thing is? The thing that is making you so depressed? Is it a real thing, or just a feeling you have? Is it a situation?

 

More importantly, is it something that you could do something about? Or is it, legitimately, beyond your control? I don't mean in the context that you don't know what to do about it. I mean is it something like world hunger or HIV AIDS, or Lindsay Lohan.

 

It's hard to explain. It's more along the lines of a situation, one that is most likely beyond my control. Nothing worth talking about.

Explain it. Be specific. Use examples. Saying it's hard to explain as an excuse not to explain it (and expose it as potential bullshit) is just resigning yourself to being miserable and making an excuse not to do something about it.

 

Don't they say sunlight is the best disinfectant?

[Guest Broken Chains]

Explain it. Be specific. Use examples. Saying it's hard to explain as an excuse not to explain it (and expose it as potential bullshit) is just resigning yourself to being miserable and making an excuse not to do something about it.

 

Don't they say sunlight is the best disinfectant?

 

You're right, that was an excuse. Because it's not something I want to go into detail about on a public forum.

[Crazy Donna]

Explain it. Be specific. Use examples. Saying it's hard to explain as an excuse not to explain it (and expose it as potential bullshit) is just resigning yourself to being miserable and making an excuse not to do something about it.

 

Don't they say sunlight is the best disinfectant?

 

You're right, that was an excuse. Because it's not something I want to go into detail about on a public forum.

So pm me and we'll talk about it? Or come into chat and we can chat there?

[mick]

I like what someone said about seeingthe beautiful things in the world. Is there anything you really enjoy? This morning, I looked out my front window. I live across from a very big field with trees and forest at the other end about 200 yards across the field. No homes at all in or around this field. I was struck about how beautiful it looked with the sun coming up this morning. I was struck by how lucky I am to have such a beautiful place to live. I have found that focusing on thing like such is a great way of dealing ith fear. Another goodpoint someone made was about thinking about all the horrible times in hostory which have already occurred. WW2 comes to mind. People must have felt desparate during those times I bet. I agree with the person who said he fears less as a non christian then hen he was a believer. I found that life way scarier.

 

Now, one thing to flame the fire: I'm actually most scared of society totally collapsing, and there being nothing but wandering survivors someday. (like in Mad Max, or "The Book of Eli"). Those are the kinds of futures we need to avoid. Those would be times when small groups of armed Christians could actually threaten us, enslave us, burn us at the stake again, etc. Only a few generations of a collapsed society and the world could be something like that.

[Guest Broken Chains]

So pm me and we'll talk about it? Or come into chat and we can chat there?

 

some things are better left unsaid. Talking about it wouldn't solve anything because I don't fully understand it myself.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Is there anything I enjoy? There are a few things, but there's some guilt associated with some of that. Not genuine " I did something wrong" guilt, but religious OCD type things. Stupid things.

 

I like what someone said about seeingthe beautiful things in the world. Is there anything you really enjoy? This morning, I looked out my front window. I live across from a very big field with trees and forest at the other end about 200 yards across the field. No homes at all in or around this field. I was struck about how beautiful it looked with the sun coming up this morning. I was struck by how lucky I am to have such a beautiful place to live. I have found that focusing on thing like such is a great way of dealing ith fear. Another goodpoint someone made was about thinking about all the horrible times in hostory which have already occurred. WW2 comes to mind. People must have felt desparate during those times I bet. I agree with the person who said he fears less as a non christian then hen he was a believer. I found that life way scarier.

 

Now, one thing to flame the fire: I'm actually most scared of society totally collapsing, and there being nothing but wandering survivors someday. (like in Mad Max, or "The Book of Eli"). Those are the kinds of futures we need to avoid. Those would be times when small groups of armed Christians could actually threaten us, enslave us, burn us at the stake again, etc. Only a few generations of a collapsed society and the world could be something like that.

[Guest Broken Chains]

I'm not an ex-Christian. Not yet. I don't think I belong here. I'm not right in the head, I have all kinds of mood swings and changes in attitudes, and that has come out clearly in my posts. Happy one minute, pissed off the next, calm and relaxed one minute, anxious the next, feeling like I'm making progress one minute, then feeling lost and cut off from whatever I'm searching for the next. I'm fragile and insecure on the inside, and I don't know who I really am, or what I believe. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually. I hate that I can't even do what I say I'm going to do. I can't change worth shit. I always go back on my word. I have nothing else to say.

 

 

[stryper]

So pm me and we'll talk about it? Or come into chat and we can chat there?

 

some things are better left unsaid. Talking about it wouldn't solve anything because I don't fully understand it myself.

 

 

sometimes to understand yourself you need to talk about.

 

We are social animals. Communication, even intrenally, helps.

[Guest Broken Chains]

sometimes to understand yourself you need to talk about.

 

We are social animals. Communication, even intrenally, helps.

 

I want to talk about it. I want to tell somehow how much I am screaming on the inside right now. I want someone to know how much I am afraid. But who who can I tell? I'm surrounded by Jesus freaks who will do nothing but shove their religious agenda down my throat. I've learned from experience, telling people your problems doesn't solve anything, all it does is stick that image of you in their heads, and from that point on, that's what they will see you as. Less than a functional human being.

 

DISCLAIMER: What I'm about to say, I am NOT talking about my family.

 

I want to strangle the sick fucks who brainwashed me with their batshit religious beliefs. I was a stupid uneducated gullible kid who stumbled upon these websites and videos.... and I kept reading and watching.... these sick bastards totally ruined me with their gospel of "love"..... FUCK THEM!!! If those goddamn hate mongerers delight in hell so much, I hope they go there. I want to beat the shit out of these fuckers.... THEY RUINED ME.... permanently. Because of them, I have no future. Because of them, I am probably mentally ill. I hope someone as fucked up as me rips their cold, black, evil heart out of their chest and stomps on it. I hope to see those sick fucks in hell.... because of them, I know that's where I'm going, and I hope to see them there. Fuck it all, all hope is gone.

[Guest Valk0010]

I'm not an ex-Christian. Not yet. I don't think I belong here. I'm not right in the head, I have all kinds of mood swings and changes in attitudes, and that has come out clearly in my posts. Happy one minute, pissed off the next, calm and relaxed one minute, anxious the next, feeling like I'm making progress one minute, then feeling lost and cut off from whatever I'm searching for the next. I'm fragile and insecure on the inside, and I don't know who I really am, or what I believe. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually. I hate that I can't even do what I say I'm going to do. I can't change worth shit. I always go back on my word. I have nothing else to say.

Not meaning to be offensive here.

 

You might be bipolar. While I am not a shrink, my interest in it has taught me, that is pretty much bipolar.

 

look at this

My link

[stryper]

 

I want to talk about it. I want to tell somehow how much I am screaming on the inside right now. I want someone to know how much I am afraid. But who who can I tell? I'm surrounded by Jesus freaks who will do nothing but shove their religious agenda down my throat. I've learned from experience, telling people your problems doesn't solve anything, all it does is stick that image of you in their heads, and from that point on, that's what they will see you as. Less than a functional human being.

 

DISCLAIMER: What I'm about to say, I am NOT talking about my family.

 

I want to strangle the sick fucks who brainwashed me with their batshit religious beliefs. I was a stupid uneducated gullible kid who stumbled upon these websites and videos.... and I kept reading and watching.... these sick bastards totally ruined me with their gospel of "love"..... FUCK THEM!!! If those goddamn hate mongerers delight in hell so much, I hope they go there. I want to beat the shit out of these fuckers.... THEY RUINED ME.... permanently. Because of them, I have no future. Because of them, I am probably mentally ill. I hope someone as fucked up as me rips their cold, black, evil heart out of their chest and stomps on it. I hope to see those sick fucks in hell.... because of them, I know that's where I'm going, and I hope to see them there. Fuck it all, all hope is gone.

 

 

There is no hell.

 

There is always hope.

 

The sun will rise tomorrow. The seasons will change. The earth wil continue to spin.

 

You will continue to breathe. You will wake up in the morning.

 

These are constants.

 

Just as these constants exsist, so does your choice.

 

As Valk said, it seems there is something more going on here. I would suggest seeking a non-religious psych in your area. That could help to stablize the thoughts and deal with the rage.

 

They have no power over you.

 

You control your thoughts.

 

You control your life.

 

You can control what you think, though we all need help at times.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Not meaning to be offensive here.

 

You might be bipolar. While I am not a shrink, my interest in it has taught me, that is pretty much bipolar.

 

look at this

My link

 

I don't know. Maybe. It's hard to say. No doctor I've ever seen has suggested that, so I don't know.

 

There is no hell.

 

There is always hope.

 

The sun will rise tomorrow. The seasons will change. The earth wil continue to spin.

 

You will continue to breathe. You will wake up in the morning.

 

These are constants.

 

Just as these constants exsist, so does your choice.

 

As Valk said, it seems there is something more going on here. I would suggest seeking a non-religious psych in your area. That could help to stablize the thoughts and deal with the rage.

 

They have no power over you.

 

You control your thoughts.

 

You control your life.

 

You can control what you think, though we all need help at times.

 

Whether hell is real or not, I still can't get the "reality" of it out of my mind. Besides, weird thing is, I don't think the problem is that I am afraid of going to hell. I think it's something else. Like running from the truth, denying what I know, living in rebellion, hiding from a fucked up reality.

 

About seeing a psych, I am having a hard time finding a non religious one. For one thing, where I live, there's not a lot of that around here anyway. Even the ones who are not tagged as "Christian" that I've seen end up being that anyway. I will not see a shrink that is a Christian, I don't care how "nice" they may be. If they're true to their Bible, then they WILL be judgmental, and they WILL, even if it's just subtle hinting, tell me what I should do, believe, and think. Everyone around here is a churchtian to some extent, I don't even know any atheists in person.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Why shouldn't I kill myself? In other words, why should I live? Whether I'm dead or alive, what would it matter? I'm not asking for a number to a suicide hotline, or for a "DON'T DO IT." or anything like that. People generally overreact when someone mentions suicide. They try to talk them out of it, but for what reason? Sure, if it was an important person, I could understand. But for the outcasts and losers, who cares? Why should anyone try to stop a person from killing themselves? It's their own choice. Who cares if I'm dead? I don't. I am a failure, a loser, I have failed at life. I'm mentally unstable and that can't be fixed. I'll never have a wife like this. Even if there was a girl stupid enough to want to be with me, I wouldn't let her. She deserves better. I'll never have a kid. For fuck's sake, I couldn't take care of one. I can't take care of my own gaddamn problems. This stupid fucker needs to die. Who cares if I live or die? My death would bring about nothing but good. Why the hell can't I bring myself to picking up a gun and pulling the trigger? WHY?

[Guest Valk0010]

Is this going to be another 70 pages?

[Guest Broken Chains]

Is this going to be another 70 pages?

 

Fuck no. What am I, a joke? Guess so.

[Guest Broken Chains]

Yeah, I'm nothing more than a stupid joke.

 

That's it. I'm done.

 

I'll give it til the beginning of the year. If nothing improves, I am going to kill myself. Mark my fucking words.

 

Pretty funny joke, right? I'll be laughing.... in hell.

[stryper]

suicide sloves nothing.

If you decided to do it, then it is your choice. It will not solve anything. You may or may not succed. If you don't you could end up paralized or vegtable.

My personal belief is that you will simply have to deal with these issues in your next life. So why not deal with it now?

 

And yes people do freak out when you start talking about suicide. There are many reasons for that. It is not a normal state of mind to want it. Having been there I understand why it seems best.

 

 

you said " Like running from the truth, denying what I know, living in rebellion, hiding from a fucked up reality. "

 

What truth? What Reality?

 

Why is it rebellion and not simply growing up?

[Guest Broken Chains]

suicide sloves nothing.

If you decided to do it, then it is your choice. It will not solve anything.

 

People don't commit suicide because it solves their problems. They do it because their problems can no longer be solved. They do it to escape from the pain inside.

 

You may or may not succed. If you don't you could end up paralized or vegtable.

 

I know. That's why I would plan it carefully so that wouldn't happen.

 

My personal belief is that you will simply have to deal with these issues in your next life. So why not deal with it now?

 

Over and over again, I've tried. I've tried to change. But I always come back to this. All I can do is fake it, and I even fail at that. To me, getting the guts to kill myself is dealing with it. It's saying "That's it, I've had enough. I'm finally going to take care of this problem once and for all." The problem is not with some circumstance or anything like that, the problem is with the human being that I am. People are what they are, and to a large extent, that can't be changed. Not by themselves. Events in life change people, but people don't change themselves. There's no choice or free will about it. I am the problem, and I'm sick of letting the problem go on and on. Suicide is my way of dealing with it.

 

If nobody wants to see another 70 page thread, then don't worry. I'll probably be dead before that can happen anyway.

 

And yes people do freak out when you start talking about suicide. There are many reasons for that. It is not a normal state of mind to want it. Having been there I understand why it seems best.

 

Everyone, at some point in their life, thinks about suicide. Or so they say. So yes, I would say it's normal.

 

 

you said " Like running from the truth, denying what I know, living in rebellion, hiding from a fucked up reality. "

 

What truth? What Reality?

 

Why is it rebellion and not simply growing up?

 

Valid arguments or not, I have my reasons for believing certain things.

[ClaraOlive]

Why shouldn't I kill myself? In other words, why should I live? Whether I'm dead or alive, what would it matter? I'm not asking for a number to a suicide hotline, or for a "DON'T DO IT." or anything like that. People generally overreact when someone mentions suicide. They try to talk them out of it, but for what reason? Sure, if it was an important person, I could understand. But for the outcasts and losers, who cares? Why should anyone try to stop a person from killing themselves? It's their own choice. Who cares if I'm dead? I don't. I am a failure, a loser, I have failed at life. I'm mentally unstable and that can't be fixed. I'll never have a wife like this. Even if there was a girl stupid enough to want to be with me, I wouldn't let her. She deserves better. I'll never have a kid. For fuck's sake, I couldn't take care of one. I can't take care of my own gaddamn problems. This stupid fucker needs to die. Who cares if I live or die? My death would bring about nothing but good. Why the hell can't I bring myself to picking up a gun and pulling the trigger? WHY?

 

Let's say it doesn't ultimately matter if you're dead or alive. It will mainly affect you, and while you seem to have some consideration for your family, you can't make such important choices to please other people - which is why important and famous people commit suicide just the same as outcasts.

 

But you should think more carefully about the possibilities of being dead vs. being alive.

 

If you're dead, you don't know what will happen. The bad or neutral possibilities seem more likely than the good possibilities though. You're afraid of going to hell. If there is a hell and you stay alive, maybe you'd find a way to avoid it. You can't do that if you're dead. Or maybe you'd be reincarnated - but your karma from this life doesn't look so good, you could end up not escaping your misery at all and come back as something even worse. Or maybe you'd come back as a ghost - a miserable ghost unable to escape his pain even through death. What I believe is that when you're dead, you're just gone - but even then I wouldn't want to be in your position. If you kill yourself now, this is as good as your life has ever gotten, and you've closed off all your opportunities.

 

So what's the downside of staying alive a little longer? From all we know about being dead, you don't have any more choices and things won't change. But things happen to make living people's lives better all the time. You don't know that something fantastic couldn't happen to you. Mental instability is often fixed through therapy and medication, so you could still find a counselor. Maybe one of the people or things contributing to your problems will just go away and leave you alone. If things get worse, you'll still have the option to kill yourself, but as long as you're alive, something could change and you still have choices. So go kill yourself in a year if there are no improvements, but until then, look for that counselor.

 

Marlene Winell who advertises Recovery from Religion retreats on this board will talk to you for free for 30 minutes and even if her counseling is too expensive for you, may be able to recommend other non-religious sources for you. http://www.marlenewinell.net/page/ways-get-help

[Guest Broken Chains]

Let's say it doesn't ultimately matter if you're dead or alive. It will mainly affect you, and while you seem to have some consideration for your family, you can't make such important choices to please other people - which is why important and famous people commit suicide just the same as outcasts.

 

But you should think more carefully about the possibilities of being dead vs. being alive.

 

If you're dead, you don't know what will happen. The bad or neutral possibilities seem more likely than the good possibilities though. You're afraid of going to hell. If there is a hell and you stay alive, maybe you'd find a way to avoid it. You can't do that if you're dead. Or maybe you'd be reincarnated - but your karma from this life doesn't look so good, you could end up not escaping your misery at all and come back as something even worse. Or maybe you'd come back as a ghost - a miserable ghost unable to escape his pain even through death. What I believe is that when you're dead, you're just gone - but even then I wouldn't want to be in your position. If you kill yourself now, this is as good as your life has ever gotten, and you've closed off all your opportunities.

 

So what's the downside of staying alive a little longer? From all we know about being dead, you don't have any more choices and things won't change. But things happen to make living people's lives better all the time. You don't know that something fantastic couldn't happen to you. Mental instability is often fixed through therapy and medication, so you could still find a counselor. Maybe one of the people or things contributing to your problems will just go away and leave you alone. If things get worse, you'll still have the option to kill yourself, but as long as you're alive, something could change and you still have choices. So go kill yourself in a year if there are no improvements, but until then, look for that counselor.

 

Marlene Winell who advertises Recovery from Religion retreats on this board will talk to you for free for 30 minutes and even if her counseling is too expensive for you, may be able to recommend other non-religious sources for you. http://www.marlenewi...e/ways-get-help

"You're afraid of going to hell. If there is a hell and you stay alive, maybe you'd find a way to avoid it. You can't do that if you're dead. Or maybe you'd be reincarnated - but your karma from this life doesn't look so good, you could end up not escaping your misery at all and come back as something even worse. Or maybe you'd come back as a ghost - a miserable ghost unable to escape his pain even through death."

 

Can't know.

"So what's the downside of staying alive a little longer?"

 

Because I'm tired.

 

"Maybe one of the people or things contributing to your problems will just go away and leave you alone."

 

At this point I think it's clear that is not going to happen.

 

"So go kill yourself in a year if there are no improvements, but until then, look for that counselor."

 

I didn't say in a year, I said at the beginning of the new year. Giving me less than a month.