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My Secret Struggle...


Snugglebuggle
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I was born into christianity. my parents married in the same church they raised me in for the first 5 years of my life. i went on to other churches as my family moved around but always came back to this one church in particular.

 

I live every day with fear, anxiety, guilt and grief.

 

I guess maybe i will share a little about myself since everyone here seems so open to people who would otherwise be considered "different". lets just say I have always rode the fence with moments of almost manic highs in faith but never seem to relate to my religion.

like many i live in fear of denying my faith, fear of the consequences, fear of my mothers tears saying she fears for my soul and how it makes her so sad that she wouldnt see me in heaven with her for the rest of eternity..so much fear

 

Im 26 and I am lost.

 

those could be the words of my life. I Am Lost.

 

I am usually really good at articulating my thoughts. I am the one who supports everyone else, offers advice and helps someone to grow and change. facing all of the issues life throws at me with a grain of salt and very little emotion. but yet when it comes to looking into myself, it is just a tornado of emotions and confusion and a big black abyss.

 

I compare looking into myself like being lost in a strangers house, in the pitch black. I know there are many rooms and many things hiding, just waiting to jump out and scare or hurt me. I feel like I stumble around blindly with my arms infront of me, afraid to walk into something, yet afraid to touch anything. So i just stand still and close my eyes until i stop searching and let real life distract me again. does this make sense?

 

I could blame several things for me feeling this way. all of which are things that prevented me from growing into who i could be, discovering who i really am. one thing being the ever present religion telling me i could only be a certain way, the other being a family that was always there for me and i am REALLY close with yet the fear of hurting them is greater than the pain of denying who i am.

 

Who Am I? here is what I know.

 

- I am a woman

- I am a true bisexual (i feel the same way about women as I do about men)

- I am and always have been very attracted to the darker side of life

- I have muscular dystrophy, a degenerative muscle disease (I look/walk normal but live in almost constant pain)

- I have an insanse knowledge on useless facts and never forget something I have heard/seen/read once

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My computer just auto posted that...im not done, ill continue below since i cant delete

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Losing my train of thought...

 

Other than knowing what im "good" at, I know almost nothing else about myself. other than a passion for metal (music) and video games.

 

When I was about 15 I had a falling away from God. it was brief, violent and scary and all of my family was trying to intervene, forcing christianity on me which just pushed me away further. I went kind of kamikazee, put myself on a distructive path, drinking, drugs, partying, promiscuity. Finally I met a man that I managed to stick with, It seemed that my fear of commitment was past me. I didnt realise that this was the start of his control over me. his sneaky way of convincing me he was perfect for me and making me WANT to stay. I didnt realise until he had me in so deep that he was abusive. he convinced me to marry him at 20 and I did blindly. He did horrible things to me, verbally and sexually. forced me to do many things for him that made me puke after and feel ill, and controlled my every movement. I was so ashamed that i couldnt tell anyone, the few times i tried to tell someone, he would find out and id deal with him later. I couldnt tell my family who loved him, couldnt tell friends who were convinced he was a blessing from god and wouldnt believe me, I realised i never loved him, that he had me convinced that i needed him....I was so alone and so afraid

 

that was when I came back to God. the desperate need to talk to someone, to have someone save me, to have someone who would understand. my husband felt nothing was wrong with this since he claimed christianity too, and he started taking me to church. I was even baptised. My family was so delighted I was back with them. I soon started playing World of Warcraft to escape, then through several *gifted* abuses, got him addicted too (so he would leave me alone). not long after I met my soon to be boyfriend, and was soon gifting more abuses to my husband to keep him busy and unaware of my building relationship with someone who was making me feel human again.

 

5 years after the start of that horrible relationship, I was finally torn from my fear of my husband and ran away. my soon to be boyfriend helped me leave, after spending a year with him convincing me i was worth so much more, I had courage and left. I finally fell in love for the first time in my life, in a real and tangible way. I left behind my life, my family and my friends.

 

it was not long after there was distance from my old life that i started to question everything. finally away from the prying eyes of everyone i was afraid to dissapoint i was able to start piecing myself together.

 

Now I can say with freedom that I dont know what I believe in...and having gone from the blindness of the church to the blindness of abuse, I am now 3 years free and every bit the toddler in life when it comes to self discovery.

 

and here i stand, still feeling mostly alone, totally lost and incapable of stepping forward. afraid to leave what little is left of myself behind, the faith I have carried with me most of my life.

 

I have always been the one to help guide others...now here I am, asking for help...and im terrified

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and now i feel crazy, vulnerable and nervous...and there is no delete button to take back everything you guys now know about me... :( ...oh well...here goes..

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Welcome to ex-christian.net.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through so much abuse. I'm glad you got out of that situation. I know it's unnerving to open yourself up, but the people here are very encouraging. If you still really want to delete your posts, you can probably PM a mod about it.

 

The only advice I have right now is to read a lot. Learn about how Christianity came into being, learn about science, whatever interests you. Read testimonies on this site. You don't have to figure everything out all at once, but slowly figure out what you agree with and what makes sense.

 

It's very difficult to feel separated from your family and friends when it comes to religion. A lot of us know how that feels. In the end, you are still you, maybe your opinions or attitude have changed, but your personality is the same, even apart from Christianity. People who really care about you will be able to see that. Even if there is some tension at first, when they realize that you are still the person they love, that tension can fade in the background.

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I'm very sorry, this is definitely a very difficult and sad situation. Like said before by XcaliburGirl, I would recommend reading and doing research into these things and seeing how religion, the concept of god and the pagan influences influenced the evolution of the modern day church. But more importantly than that, you need to find a support group for people recovering from an abusive relationship. I would recommend counseling with a good therapist as well if you think you need it.

 

You mention you are with a new boyfriend now, who treats you with respect and love, is he aware of your feelings about this? If your old family and friends were less concerned about you being abused and more concerned about you putting on a good face for the world, I would keep them as far away as possible. You only get one life, so don't waste it on people who would drag you down, no matter who they are. You have the power over who is in your life and who is out of it.

 

But aside from that, not knowing what you believe is sometimes a good place to be, it opens up new honest avenues of inquiry. You now have the freedom to research or read anything you want. When I first started de-converting I was at the library almost every week grabbing as many books as possible, it was definitely a breath of fresh air.

 

I hope you find what you need, there are some very good testimonials on this site, some excellent people and very well written articles!

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Talk, open up, cry, tell everything, and never hold back.

 

I can tell you from personal experience that there are some true gems on this site. I don't know what I would do without them.

 

You are loved. Know this. And people here really do care because most if not all have been through their own personal hells as well. They can relate.

 

People care about what you want to say.

 

This site exists for people like us. And there are a lot of people like us around :)

 

I guess what I am saying, is that no matter what it is, it is always better to talk about it. :kiss:

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Im 26 and I am lost.

 

 

I am going through and have gone through some of the samethings as you have mentioned. I too am trying to find out more about myself, asnow I know there is more to who I am than my religion. I think as good littlechristians we were required to find out more and more about god and religion,and we were somewhat forced not to explore ourselves -because that would be adangerous and we may being to question our beliefs - which is a sin and wouldcause us to burn in the lake of fire for all eternity.

 

 

 

I too have lived in constant fear of the end of the world/rapture. I was always taught that Jesus would return any minute now. Although Ihave dismissed christianity, I am still trying to de-program myself fromthinking the world could end at any second.

 

I wish you well on your journey to self-discovery- this agreat place to find the support you are looking for!

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Talk, open up, cry, tell everything, and never hold back.

 

I can tell you from personal experience that there are some true gems on this site. I don't know what I would do without them.

 

You are loved. Know this. And people here really do care because most if not all have been through their own personal hells as well. They can relate.

 

People care about what you want to say.

 

This site exists for people like us. And there are a lot of people like us around :)

 

I guess what I am saying, is that no matter what it is, it is always better to talk about it. :kiss:

 

I agree whole-heartedly!!! <3

 

 

 

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I'm so glad you're here, and that you were able to share what's going on in your life. I'm glad you have a boyfriend who loves and respects you just as you are. You may be like a toddler just learning to walk, but you can delight in your freedom to start life new, build yourself up strong inside and discover all the good things life may have in store for you! Rant when you need to here, read plenty, and ask questions anytime!

 

Welcome!

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Welcome to ExC, Snugglebuggle.

 

I am glad you were able to shed yourself of the abusive husband and find someone who cares about you and treats you the way you should be treated.

 

You are obviously asking for help, but it isn't really clear to me what kind of help you need. From what I can tell, you have certain parts of your life that you are sure of. You listed those in a rather straightforward fashion and I didn't discern any real ambivalence from you on those.

 

The theme that sticks out to me the most is that of fear. You had an understandable fear of your abusive husband, but you took control of that and left. God for you! There seems to be some fear left over about Christianity and even some uncertainty about where you stand with the religion. Do you have some specific issues or questions you could articulate?

 

By the way, I don't see you as a fearful person. I see you as brave as demonstrated by leaving your abusive husband. You can move forward. I promise you can.

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Welcome! The fear and abuse you experienced fits so hand-in-hand with the religion of Christianity, it is not surprising that the two were so closely related in your life. You are showing all the signs of courage and independence that make a strong person. It is all there within. I hope that we can be a place of safety and encouragement for you.

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thanks guys for being so encouraging :) I have never met a group quite like this in a place i would never have normally wandered into. I do feel proud and strong every day for leaving my last relationship. he doesnt deserve me and I realise that now. although, 3 years later, he is still the part of my life i compare everything with. I have gone through such severe levels of hatred and depression when it comes to him and it has only been this last year that i have truely found peace within myself over the abuse. as for my family, they were shocked and saddened when they found I couldnt tell them about the abuse. I didnt tell them why I left because he still lived in the house my parents owned part of, worked with my dad in their business and went to church with them on sundays. it took the 6 months for him to sell the house and move back to his city before i could tell my family. I look back at that now and im kind of glad for that time, it let me burn off alot of excess "stuff" and allowed me to communicate my feelings properly without all the fresh emotion.

 

my dad of course raged and wanted to kill the man who hurt his little girl and my mom was sad i couldnt have told them while it was happening. they are not the typical christians in the last 10 years, having had a falling out with their church when an elder stole 15k from my father and the church just told him to forgive and forget. they still go to a more light hearted church on occassion and still pray at dinner but do not limit themselves all the things that strong churchgoers do. i told them i couldnt have come to them because i was ashamed of what id let him do to me, humiliated I couldnt have said No at the altar when I had wanted too just because i didnt want to let people down and afraid of what they would say to the big "D" word (divorce). they were very supportive and helped me file all the papers and bought me all the books.

 

when it comes to my boyfriend, hes agnostic, and my family has never pushed God on him, they do not want to chase away someone that is so good to me, and that matters more to them than him being a christian (since my ex was a christian and look where that got me). They know I do not agree with organised religion (much to their muted displeasure), that I hate churches and despise this so called "fellowshipping". they believe what I have told them, that my walk with God is very personal and between him and I.

 

 

I guess later I will get into the deeper parts of me and my passions and why there is no God in the things I desire and want to do, and why I am fearful to let him go. we have to run out the door (oh no snow!) to get some things. so I'll explain more later :) thanks for listening guys!

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Welcome to Ex-C!

 

The fear lessens as you read more articles on these boards that expose Christian doctrine for the nonsense that it is.

 

There are also some very good threads about how to cope with the remaining members of your family that are still Christian.

 

Try to hang around with people that make you feel "uplifted" and good about yourself.

 

Once again, welcome. Don't worry about how much of yourself you have revealed on these boards. The members are good at keeping confidences here.

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