Being Asked To Pray

[Droptail]

Hello, everyone. I'm pretty new here, and I performed a search to find discussions about this topic, but I didn't find any, so my apologies if it has been broached before.

 

I come from a fundie family (which was my path into christian belief at an early age) and have lived my whole life here in this utter bastion of free thought, Idaho [/sarcasm]. I just recently, within the last month, revealed on my Facebook that I'm atheist, and for the past year before that, I'd been agnostic. So the information is out there concerning my unbelief, although I don't expect that everyone I know has seen that change, and it's not something I bring up unless directly asked about my beliefs. (I'm also not fully out, particularly to my parents, grandparents, and other family who don't use Facebook)...

 

Anyways, to get to the point, with this being the Thanksgiving holiday here States-side, one of the common features of this family-oriented celebration is the question of who gets to pray 'grace' over the table. I attended with a good friend of mine to his family's lunch, and during the little debate they had over that 'problem', my name was briefly mentioned. Before I could speak up though, my friend's mom, from knowing me over the years, knew I'm not comfortable in front of a crowd, so that idea was quickly dropped, luckily enough for me. I was relieved not to have had to confront that situation; I had thought before going what I might say, and so I had thought that I could say something along the lines of it being "inappropriate" for me to pray because I'm not christian, but I was unsure about that since it presented the possibility of things becoming awkward and/or hostile. Still, I had no other ideas, so that's what I would have said, and I'm glad it didn't have to come up right then. Now, I realize that a less-direct alternative answer which wouldn't force me to reveal my unbelief might have been just to say I didn't want to pray or that I wasn't comfortable with it.

 

I'm wondering if anyone else here has had similar experiences where their own unbelief in the presence of believers made for a tricky situation with being asked to pray or fulfill some other religious obligation. Thanks for hearing me out.

[JadedAtheist]

I generally don't care. If I was asked to pray I probably would. Everyone knows my stance and I probably wouldn't want to make the situation awkward or hostile by refusing. Since people know my stance I don't see that happening but you never know..

[Guest wester]

William Burroughs - A Thanksgiving Prayer

 

[florduh]

Sure, I'll pray. Which god would you like me to pray to?

[Randi]

My friend's Mom causally mentioned to her sister beforehand that I shouldn't be asked to do the prayer. f I had been asked though, I think I'd do a prayer like Eddie Izzard. Oh god Ooooooh Goooooood.

 

[Guest riverrunner]

yeah for holidays I recommend just sucking it up and saying a generic prayer like "we give thanks for everyone here and for the food we have" you don't have to direct your thanks to anyone in particular and especially don't ask for things since there is no one to ask as we know.

 

ps. I almost moved to Boise for a job but got one here (Colorado). I love Idaho for the whitewater.

[fallenleaf]

My family has a few basic traditions when it comes to Thanksgiving. But the main thing is that we go around the table and everyone gets a chance to state what they are thankful for. This can be as religious or secular as the person decides to make it. Depending on how many members of my family there are, this can be annoying. If there's not a lot, it goes quickly but almost everyone is religious. If it is most of my extended family, it takes forever but at least I'm not the only one who isn't thankful for anything god has or hasn't done.

 

After this, everyone joins hands and someone prays. I join hands but don't bow my head or participate in the prayer itself. I'll be respectful during their prayer but I won't participate in their delusion.

[Randi]

I found it funny yesterday during the prayer that my friend's uncle prayed that God would keep our service men and women safe. As someone who has lost 2 friends and a cousin to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.... I found this comical at best. Just what does God's protection entail? Clearly they're still dying.

[BrotherJosh]

I don't have any extended family here other than my parents. They are aware that I am an atheist, but have started to come to terms with it after seeing I haven't sunk into some evil "sinful" life. However, if I were with my extended family I wouldn't mind shooting off a prayer if I was asked to. My grandparents and older extended family just comes from a different generation and are too elderly to understand. Nothing wrong with being respectful I think. I've never understood the whole giving thanks to god thing though, even as a xtian. I found it more touching and personal to go around the table and everyone to state why and what they are thankful for. But aside from that, if you aren't comfortable saying a prayer in front of everyone just say so, you shouldn't have to say why.

 

Also - what's up to a fellow Boise neighbor! Enjoying the single digit weather yet?

[Temijin]

I've been asked once or twice to pray my former my ex-church friends. I struggled with it for a while too, but now I just say I'm not going to do it and someone else should do it.

 

I close my eyes when they pray - that's about it. It gets the message across without been overly rude.

[HRDWarrior]

Personally, I'd dodge it with something along the lines of "thank you, but someone else can pray today." or something similar.

 

My family knows I'm an atheist, so I simply stay quiet while they pray (the few times I've been around them). They don't ask me to knowing my stance, so it works. The one thing I did have a little "fun" with was at my great-uncle's funeral. My 4 year old nephew was sitting on my lap, and when everyone else (other than my brother who's also deconverted) bowed their heads for prayer, my nephew looked at me and noticed I wasn't praying - so he decided he didn't really need to either I wasn't rude, and I made him stay quiet, but at least he saw that not everyone there was a little sheep and that it's okay to be different.

[Puddinhead]

I've tried a few versions of this. I find the one that works the best is a simple "no thank you." No need to elaborate on why when the spotlight is on you. If a loved one is genuinely interested, it can come up in conversation later.

[hereticzero]

I tell people it is against my religious beliefs to pray publicly. It's a cop out but one with less yelling involved.

[Ro-bear]

I would just pleasantly but firmly reply, "No, I am not comfortable with that. Please ask someone else."

[Dagan]

I would just pleasantly but firmly reply, "No, I am not comfortable with that. Please ask someone else."

 

Ditto. Done this and it works out fine. Most people don't push it at the dinner table because it makes them look bad if they do.

[oddbird1963]

Nobody can criticize this prayer by Jimmy Stewart in the movie "Shennadoah"

 

There's a comical implication here. It's like , "Why exactly are we thanking you?"

 

I remember this prayer causing me much cognitive dissonance early in my "Christian walk" because the point it makes is so riveting yet so subtle.

 

 

 

 

"Lord, we cleared this land,

We plowed it, sowed it and harvested

it. We cooked the harvest, it wouldn’t be here, we

wouldn’t Be eatin’ it, if we hadn’t done it all ourselves.

We worked dog-boned hard for every crumb and morsel, but we thank you

Just the same anyway, Lord, for this food we’re about to eat.

Amen."

[par4dcourse]

Saved that one in my "quotes" file, Oddbird! Thanks.

[OpheliaGinger]

If I can, I just walk away into another room--maybe feign going to the bathroom. But being a female, I never get asked to pray.

[Droptail]

Alot of good ideas here; thanks all. Hopefully, I won't get asked so I don't have to refuse, but there's some good lines to use without stirring up controversy at the table.

 

Also, for those who would pray if asked, I'd like to know how you deal with that dissonance...or maybe it's not something that conflicts with your inner beliefs? For myself, though I know now there's no actual communication with a deity going on during prayer, I can still feel myself going into what might be described as a trance if I don't catch myself beforehand; I've had experiences throughout the past year where when prayer was called for, I'd automatically go into prayer mode before realizing mid-prayer that I wasn't Christian anymore. It's something I've been doing my whole life without really thinking, so I can't say I'd be comfortable yet just praying in general and not to some sky person...

 

Also - what's up to a fellow Boise neighbor! Enjoying the single digit weather yet?

 

Holla! That was pretty crazy this past week...fall was way too short this year.

[JadedAtheist]

 

Also, for those who would pray if asked, I'd like to know how you deal with that dissonance...or maybe it's not something that conflicts with your inner beliefs?

 

It doesn't bother me. I guess I don't have any principles that would feel conflicted if I prayed. Even now when I go out with some Christian friends I ask them if they'd like to pray before we eat. I find this generally helps smooth things over so they see that I am not some God hater.

 

 

 

[DayLight]

Hello, everyone. I'm pretty new here, and I performed a search to find discussions about this topic, but I didn't find any, so my apologies if it has been broached before.

 

I come from a fundie family (which was my path into christian belief at an early age) and have lived my whole life here in this utter bastion of free thought, Idaho [/sarcasm]. I just recently, within the last month, revealed on my Facebook that I'm atheist, and for the past year before that, I'd been agnostic. So the information is out there concerning my unbelief, although I don't expect that everyone I know has seen that change, and it's not something I bring up unless directly asked about my beliefs. (I'm also not fully out, particularly to my parents, grandparents, and other family who don't use Facebook)...

 

Anyways, to get to the point, with this being the Thanksgiving holiday here States-side, one of the common features of this family-oriented celebration is the question of who gets to pray 'grace' over the table. I attended with a good friend of mine to his family's lunch, and during the little debate they had over that 'problem', my name was briefly mentioned. Before I could speak up though, my friend's mom, from knowing me over the years, knew I'm not comfortable in front of a crowd, so that idea was quickly dropped, luckily enough for me. I was relieved not to have had to confront that situation; I had thought before going what I might say, and so I had thought that I could say something along the lines of it being "inappropriate" for me to pray because I'm not christian, but I was unsure about that since it presented the possibility of things becoming awkward and/or hostile. Still, I had no other ideas, so that's what I would have said, and I'm glad it didn't have to come up right then. Now, I realize that a less-direct alternative answer which wouldn't force me to reveal my unbelief might have been just to say I didn't want to pray or that I wasn't comfortable with it.

 

I'm wondering if anyone else here has had similar experiences where their own unbelief in the presence of believers made for a tricky situation with being asked to pray or fulfill some other religious obligation. Thanks for hearing me out.

 

Yes, it's definitely tricky. And the best thing to do is to answer as less as possible. I would have declined praying even before de-conversion: I didn't like to pray publicly. But usually, the answer: "I don't want to do that" could be sufficient for those who are not too persistent or nosy.

[Journey]

I have found lately that I feel resentful when my husband prays before we eat the meal that I helped pay for, spent time going to the grocery store to find what I needed to make it, then brought it home, put it away and thoughtfully and lovingly prepared so my family could enjoy. I've wanted to say, "wait a minute - who should you be thanking here?!" but I remain silent and continue to be irked. I've also been asked to pray but he's asking me less and less as I think he senses my tension.

[decafaholic]

LOL to the Jimmy Stuart scene!

There are several ways to avoid being asked to pray at gatherings.

 

1. Avoid eye contact! Making eye contact with the host is interpreted as eagerness, while they're scanning the room to find someone who looks willing, look away, at the floor, or whatever.

 

2. If asked to pray, Pass the Buck!! I have done this. I was asked to pray and immediately said "I nominate (my brother in law)." It worked!

 

3. You might try being bold and nominating someone else before anyone else gets a chance to nominate you! When someone says "dinner's ready" you could say something like " I think we would all appreciate it if (relative who likes to hear him/herself talk) asked the blessing." Smile.

 

If all else fails, just say a short, generic prayer. I've had to do this several times.

[AC Skeptic]

I second decafaholic advice, ALWAYS AVOID EYE CONTACT! And I feel Journy's pain. Even when we still believed we made an effort to be more deliberate thanking my wife for making the food then to God for "providing" it.

 

Neither mine or my wife's extended family know we don't believe. My in-laws are fundies, but thankfully live far away, and when we visit, my father-in-law feels it his responsibility to always pray, so there is little pressure. With my family, who is less fundie but still pretty conservative, my dad does ask someone different to pray at every meal. Last Christmas I avoided it as long as I could, then when asked I just prayed. I know how to pray, did it for years. Now I just say the words though and know the only people who hear me are in the room and not some divine being.

[florduh]

Of course if you don't have the guts to just say no, you could always start loudly praying in tongues. That should be the last time anyone asks you.