Guest ephymeris Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 So as soon as I got back to Colorado from visiting my family in LA, I was greeted by a letter from my maternal grandmother telling me how my apostasy, liberal political views, negative view of my (drug addict train wreck of a)brother, and selfish behavior hurt my family, was sending me and my country to hell, and making my mother cry because she feels unloved by me. I have written her a letter in response. I'm posting it here for catharsis and criticism. Thanks for your time if you read this long letter Dear Granny, Your letter upset me because it seems you and mom feel like I must agree with you to love you. I just want you to know I love and respect you immensely whether we share the same views and opinions or not. I have always done my best to be a loving, ethical, responsible daughter, granddaughter, wife, and citizen. It is distressing to me to think that you view me and my views as immoral, unpatriotic, or poorly thought out. I just want assure you that who I am and how I believe are the results of much thought, study, and the desire to do the right things in this life. You are right to assume I have differing opinions on religion and politics from you or my mother. I can't understand why this would come as a surprise to you being that I am a unique person from a different generation with my own life experiences, not just the result of parenting and indoctrination. I am 32 years old which is old enough to have earned my own views in this world yet realize I can love and respect others no matter what their opinions are as long as they do not cause me personal harm. I know no one on earth will ever have all the answers which is why I am grateful people have the opportunity to learn and change in the face of new information and experiences their entire lives. As for my views in my brother, I am very weary of being told to "see Chris differently". I feel I see (and have always seen him) very clearly. I knew he was exhibiting the signs of substance abuse long before his first amphetamine induced seizure. I knew he needed to stay in drug rehab well before he impregnated Britnee. You think I should see him differently but you don’t seem to know what I see when I look at him. When I look at my brother, I see a man with a history of drug addiction and brain injury who has consistently made self destructive decisions, demonstrates poor coping skills, works long hours, married a woman he barely knows who brought a developmentally disabled child into a financially stressed, brand new relationship. I see a man who is doing the best he can given that his emotional development arrested around his early teens (when he started using drugs/alcohol), was never made to experience the direct consequences of his actions, and must now learn how the world really works. I see a man who will forever struggle to avoid the temptation of drugs and alcohol, who cannot understand the developmental needs of his step daughter, and who is at risk for losing control in a very stressful home environment. Are any of these things untrue or unfair? Can he change and make this work? Yes, even though it will be terribly hard on everyone involved. Should I be required to suspend reason and my professional assessment of this situation? No, that is unreasonable for anyone to expect of me. Have I behaved poorly towards Chris or his family? No, I have been distant but kind enough to someone who caused me (and my parents) great pain for the majority of my life. I think I have been very fair and kind towards Chris, I’m sorry if you do not feel I have but I don’t think it’s fair to continually ask more from me in this matter. I am sorry Mom came to you crying that I make her feel unloved. I don't know why she feels this way. We have issues that are difficult for us to discuss. Every time we attempt to discuss issues, she feels hurt and that kills me. It breaks my heart to have stress in our relationship especially since there is no need for it. She is very important to me. I love her dearly and respect her deeply, I try my best to show it but I guess she feels I have failed her in some way. I don’t know what I can do to be a better daughter than I already am. I try my hardest to let her know how precious she is to me but it seems like my efforts are never good enough. I know she feels hurt that we do not agree religiously or politically but I do not understand why this should have any bearing on our relationship. My personal opinions or beliefs will never get in the way of how much I love you both. I hope you can feel the same. With all my love, 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted January 3, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted January 3, 2011 That is absolutely perfect. Well done. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrotherJosh Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Very well written and from the heart. You don't level any attacks or jabs but still tell it like it is. I hope things improve in your situation, dealing with family is always difficult especially grandparents since they come from a different generation. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklady Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Well done, level headed and not judgemental - but straight forward. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franciscan Monkey Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I wouldn't change a thing in that letter. I hope she comes to realize how much you care. Respectfully, Franciscan Monkey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flockoff Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thoughtful and well written. I admire your candor. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovemybrain Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 What a wonderful, compassionate letter! Direct and to the point as well. I may be quite tempted to plagiarize from it someday soon ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ephymeris Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thanks everyone for your kind replies! I'm just trying to be clear and stand my ground without turning this into a never ending argument. The original version of this letter was more biting and accusatory but I decided to take it down a notch to be more fair and kind because being right in the war of ideals is not really my goal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dB-Paradox Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Sorry to hear the judgments made against you by your grandmother. Your letter was well written and articulated. It sounds very diplomatic. If it was me in that situation, I would have been less tactful I think! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Very well done. The only thing you may want to think about is the part you wrote about Chris. I am sure it is all true and factually correct. The only question to ask yourself is whether you would mind Chris seeing what you have written about him. Once you turn a letter like this over to someone, you should assume that others, including Chris, will read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Very interesting situation, but one I personally can't identify with--not a grandmother who has that much power over her adult grandchildren. Has she kept your mother a child all these years--is that why your mother "runs to mama" when she feels hurt? I don't understand why your mother feels "hurt" or "rejected" in this situation, as though she were a little kid and the mom isn't giving her the emotional love and care she needs. Normally, when parents feel that way, they talk to their adult children about it, don't they? Or if they do go to their family of origin (parents, siblings) to dump, surely these family members encourage them with suggestions on how they might deal more effectively with their off-spring directly and in person. It just seems to me there is something not quite right when grandma takes this much control when the grandkids are in their thirties...but then I come from a very different culture where everyone has ten kids and it is impossible for this kind of overlap of generations... Anyway, I don't know how to improve the letter or the relationship(s). Sorry. Wishing you all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finally Awake Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I'm with Ilovemybrain. May be tempted to plagarize from this Very well said. Wish you the best in this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simpletruth Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I think this is a very well-written letter. Good luck. I have issues with my mother/grandmother right now too, so I wish you the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ephymeris Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Very interesting situation, but one I personally can't identify with--not a grandmother who has that much power over her adult grandchildren. Has she kept your mother a child all these years--is that why your mother "runs to mama" when she feels hurt? I don't understand why your mother feels "hurt" or "rejected" in this situation, as though she were a little kid and the mom isn't giving her the emotional love and care she needs. It's not that my grandmother has power over my mother, she's really quite mild, it's more that my mother seeks to emotionally manipulate situations. She has always taken her issues with me to my grandmother (who raised me for part of my life) in an effort to upset me and present her argument to the only person who will always agree with her. This letter is to my grandmother but also to my mom using her own passive aggressive method. Yes, it would be more reasonable, rational, and mature if we could all just talk this out but that's not the way it works in my family. Overcame Faith: I'm leaving the stuff in there about my brother because my family gives me the stink eye for not looking at his every new disaster with optimism and I'm sick of it. I left out many other examples, including the times I took beatings from my dad over the stuff Chris did and blamed on me, the many times he stole my paycheck or my personal belongings and my parents told me it was my problem, the fact I have had to pick up the slack for his shit in my family, every holiday he ruined with his druggie behavior since I was 16, the time he was in a 9 day coma and I had to be there for my parents and help direct his medical care only to have him heal up and go right back to being a piece of shit. I've got plenty to be pissed about and I don't care if he reads it because I can't possibly be more estranged from him than I am. It's up to him to make amends to me, not the other way around. I agree it would probably be wiser to continue to dance around these issues but this is an open wound that I have tried to cover with my own efforts to forgive, give another chance, and move on but when my family tells my my efforts aren't good enough and then blames me for my less than sunny attitude on these matters, it fucking pisses me off and it has to stop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Overcame Faith: I'm leaving the stuff in there about my brother because my family gives me the stink eye for not looking at his every new disaster with optimism and I'm sick of it. I left out many other examples, including the times I took beatings from my dad over the stuff Chris did and blamed on me, the many times he stole my paycheck or my personal belongings and my parents told me it was my problem, the fact I have had to pick up the slack for his shit in my family, every holiday he ruined with his druggie behavior since I was 16, the time he was in a 9 day coma and I had to be there for my parents and help direct his medical care only to have him heal up and go right back to being a piece of shit. I've got plenty to be pissed about and I don't care if he reads it because I can't possibly be more estranged from him than I am. It's up to him to make amends to me, not the other way around. I agree it would probably be wiser to continue to dance around these issues but this is an open wound that I have tried to cover with my own efforts to forgive, give another chance, and move on but when my family tells my my efforts aren't good enough and then blames me for my less than sunny attitude on these matters, it fucking pisses me off and it has to stop. I see your point completely. Please don't think that I was making a judgment on whether you should or should not include what you wrote about Chris. I was only suggesting that you should make sure it was what you want to do in light of the possibility that Chris would read it. Your call completely and I certainly don't think you are wrong for your decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 beautifully written. She may not respect you, but I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ephymeris Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I see your point completely. Please don't think that I was making a judgment on whether you should or should not include what you wrote about Chris. I was only suggesting that you should make sure it was what you want to do in light of the possibility that Chris would read it. Your call completely and I certainly don't think you are wrong for your decision. Hey OF, sorry if that came off as angry towards your response. It was really my festering anger over that whole family drama. I appreciate your input really and I have thought about taking it down a notch, I just don't want to water down how I feel too much. Thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I see your point completely. Please don't think that I was making a judgment on whether you should or should not include what you wrote about Chris. I was only suggesting that you should make sure it was what you want to do in light of the possibility that Chris would read it. Your call completely and I certainly don't think you are wrong for your decision. Hey OF, sorry if that came off as angry towards your response. It was really my festering anger over that whole family drama. I appreciate your input really and I have thought about taking it down a notch, I just don't want to water down how I feel too much. Thanks again Only speaking for myself here. I didn't think you sounded angry at OF's response. Of course, I was feeling so outraged at the idea of any kid having to put up with such injustice as you described that I might have missed it. I think you watered the letter down a lot! Thinking about your description of family dynamics makes me wonder what you have done to cause your mother so much grief--deconvert or what??? Sounds to me like your brother is the one who has done all the bad stuff--what with drugs and stealing, etc.--while you've been around the house doing your homework and taking all the flak. Maybe I'm asking questions that weren't meant to be asked. If so, just ignore them. BTW, I saw your answer about the mother/grandmother question. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ephymeris Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Only speaking for myself here. I didn't think you sounded angry at OF's response. Of course, I was feeling so outraged at the idea of any kid having to put up with such injustice as you described that I might have missed it. I think you watered the letter down a lot! Thinking about your description of family dynamics makes me wonder what you have done to cause your mother so much grief--deconvert or what??? Sounds to me like your brother is the one who has done all the bad stuff--what with drugs and stealing, etc.--while you've been around the house doing your homework and taking all the flak. Maybe I'm asking questions that weren't meant to be asked. If so, just ignore them. BTW, I saw your answer about the mother/grandmother question. Thanks. Nah, I'm pretty cool with talking about it since I don't really have anyone to discuss it with other than my husband and he's got to be sick of this whole scene. That's pretty much an accurate description of my family. I've always been the one who could take care of herself. I got good grades in school, married a great guy, got a great job, been responsible. I came home for my brother's injury, I've always played fair when my mom talked to me about my brother. The worst thing I've ever done to my mom is my deconversion, my difference in political ideals, and that I moved away (she hates that i moved). I've always worked to make my family feel like they are important to me while my brother does nothing but be a piece of shit and so that's why it so pisses me off that they have any issue with me at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts