My Experiences In The Fold...

[jasonwhatever]

They say that religion has a way of playing with the mind. How much more so, then, when you have an underlying psychological problem? Add religious scrupulosity with elements of manic/depression and OCD to Christianity and you have a recipe for disaster. This is my story.

 

For the sake of brevity, I'm not going to give my whole convoluted story. But, essentialy, I was introduced as a kid to Christianity by a Baptist ministry that was preaching to kids in my apartment complex. My father abandoned me at a young age, and I was a very sensitive child. The whole idea of God being a Father to Christians and the misguided notion of Jesus as loving unconditionally were powerful to me. Even as a kid, I bought into the whole Christian meme and really sought out to pursue God.

 

At 10 or 11 years of age, I remember going into my room, opening the Bible and reading through it in earnest prayer. I really felt great, that I was honoring God and was pleasing to Him. When the preacher in Church gave altar call, I enthusiastically went down to the front of the Church to "receive Jesus into my heart," despite my being terribly shy. I truly wanted to be loved, and I had a deep desire to please God. I was baptized in front of the church in a beautiful baptismal.

 

The two missionaries who had been my Sunday school teachers moved away at the end of the summer. Without any real further exposure, of course Christianity fizzled out, although I still regularly prayed. I would just out of the blue start praying audibly but quietly-- probably a part of OCD.

 

I can remember throughout high school having periods of deep depression. Of course, my mother is extremely uneducated and we were dirt poor, so I was never treated. Enter an extremely mentally abusive step-father who always made my house a place of fear and doom, and what you get is not a pretty picture. I remember one summer during high school having such a crushing, deep depression that I just lay on the floor almost paralyzed with mental pain. There were other times of crushing despair also. And then there was the time just before I left for college where I literally was convinced I was dying-- I was certain I would not survive through the first year at college. I have always been very psychosomatic.

 

At 19, Christianity came roaring back at me-- and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I worked around people who were heavily into the rapture/end of the world theology. And it just sent jolts of terror into me that I was going to be left behind. But, then I had a horrible feeling of certainty that I had committed the unpardonable sin. I remember being absolutely horrified when I would open the Bible and read the verses pertaining to this dreaded "eternal sin." Nothing anyone could say or do could ever convince me that I had not committed it. Have you ever awakened during the middle of the night, heart racing, in a panic because of fear of God? I have, many times. I remember taking nyquil just to put myself to sleep to try to escape the constant fear. I was nonfunctional and often had no appetite. This went on for a solid 6 months. I had nightmares about being trapped in the pit with the demons, and when I would walk around would envision what walking on fire must feel life, since I was certain I was going to burn in hell.

 

Following this period, I went through a couple years of thinking that I'm one of God's elect. This period was very intense. Have you ever fasted-- eating and drinking literally nothing-- for 3 full days? I have. I used to fast regularly: 1-day,2-day,36-hour, 12-hour fasts, partial fasts, complete fasts.

Ironically, after fasting, I never felt the "presence of god" any more than when I started the fast-- in fact, I often felt more empty. I concluded it must have been my fault; I just had not fasted with the right motivations or it was not an acceptable fast to God.

I used to pray incessantly-- sometimes 2 hours on end. I would study the Bible every day, sometimes lying in bed reading it for 6 or 8 hours. I used to go out back of my house and pray to God in the woods,up on a hill in imitation of Jesus. I was living out Paul's admonishment to "pray without ceasing," because "joy in the lord is your strength." Looking back, I'm amazed at how psychotic I really was. During this whole time, nothing anyone could ever say or do could ever make me not believe that every single word of the Bible is not completely inspired by God. There were many times when I definitely felt like I could sense the spirit of God on me, especially when I would listen to worship cds. I would get tingly feelings all over my body and at times feel an amazing joy like light eminating outward from my body. At one point, I thought I had picked up a demon in Church. I drew a cross on my forehead and read Scripture to get the demon out of my body.

 

During this time, I was convinced I was one of the elect-- and that there were very few true Christians in the world. I was certain that Catholicism is the church of satan disguised to appear like the Church of Christ. I was also certain at times that Christian ministers were out to spiritually kill me, by causing devils in revivals to enter me and make me loss the holy spirit. I was also certain that the world was about to end any day. Believing this, I did not go back to college to finish my degree or even plan at all for the future. After all, Jesus commanded said "he that loveth his life shall lose it, and he that loseth his life for my sake shall keep it." "Look not at the things that are in this world, but at the things which are not seen, for the things of this world are temportal. But the things which are not seen are eternal." "Watch, and pray always," "the end draweth nigh," etc. Those guided my life.

 

Over time, I got increasingly more and more tired of seeking God. I was tired of being tired, and sick of being miserable. I remember in 2005, when the Pope died, I thought that was a sign from God that the world was about to end. The Church was about to be raptured, which of course renewed my devotion for fear of me being "left behind." This fizzled, too, and it got to the point where I felt no joy reading the Bible. There would be days where I would not pray. And ultimately I got to the point where I even refused to pray-- I was exhausted with pursuing God.

 

Then in Sept/Oct 2005, Rosh Hashanah, coincidentally, I had a huge breakdown which felt like death inside. I was certain God was going to slay me because I had fallen away. I ended up losing my job because of extreme anxiety; I simply could not cope. Going through life feeling like you are going to be killed at any time, and you are completely helpless against it, is the most terrible feeling one could ever experience. I was completely delusional, replete with fits of hysteria and hallucinations. When I would see a shooting star, I thought it was a sign from God that I had fallen away. There was a puddle of water in the parking lot and I thought it was a moving cat. At Church, I was certain that I saw two angels down by the altar, and that when the pastor went to kneel before the altar and pray, there was a spiritual smoke ascending to heaven. I remember telling someone this, completely serious and not realizing how delusional I was sounding. Looking back, I can still remember the look on his face as I'm sure he was thinking about how crazy I am.

 

Most of the last 5+ years, I haven't thought that much about religion, but every once in a while something pops up that renews my fears. Ironically, briefly about two years ago, I started listening to worship cds again and those same tingly, spiritual feelings of joy would come back. It didn't last, however, because the Christian theme just didn't feel the same anymore to me.

I must say that this board is always a source of strength for me when those fears reemerge. I have come to the conclusion that even if Jesus is real, he is a cruel, vicious, vindictive being, rather than a loving, saving, shepherd of peace. His yoke for me was not easy and his burden sure the hell was not light.

 

If anyone was ever a Christian, I have no doubt that I was. My Christianity was not superficial, and I did not ever "not truly believe." I was a relgious FANATIC-- and I was absolutely 100% convinced at the complete inerrancy of the Bible, the imminence of the rapture, the virgin birth, the resurrection, the forgiveness of sins through the blood of christ,etc. And I must say that even during all that time, I saw God as one more to be feared than one who is truly loving. The Bible really made my view of the world very negative. The Bible god is extremely angry, not just in the OT, but in the NT, too. Jesus was angry all the time. The epistles are always condeming. The Christian God does not read as a god of Love. He reads as a tyrannical, hateful god, so quick to condemn. Afterall "even the righteous scarcely be saved," "work out your salvation in fear and trembling," "straight is the gate and narrow is the way that leads to life, and few there be that find it," etc.

 

Now I have no doube that the Bible has errors. The Gospels obviously misquote the OT in order to try to make Jesus appear as the fulfillment of them. Genesis is absurd on at least a dozen major points. The list goes on. And quite frankly, I've come to the conclusion that if god is as he is defined in the Bible, who would want to serve him anyway? He's savage and brutal. Rather than being a god so full of long-suffering and kindness, he is always looking to condemn. Man is always on the edge of damnation.

 

So that's my testimony in a nutshell. I wish I had never been involved in the church, as it is now worse for me than if I had never known it.

[andyjj]

Hi Jason

 

I can totally relate to what you have gone through - I too have had mental health issues that have been made worse through Christianity. Unfortunately for family reasons I still have to attend church at least every few weeks which doesn't help recovery much.

[Guest wester]

Terror is a useful tool. A person who is in fear is easy to manipulate. Certainly part of accepting god is accepting a condition of ongoing leaned helplessness - which is deeply traumatic. And this kind of torment is socially perfectly acceptable and widely encouraged. It take a lot of strength to overcome it. You have my sincerest sympathies.

[andyjj]

"Learned helplessness" I like that. I was waiting for God to sort out my mental health issues while what I would have benefited from most was psychotherapy....

[andyjj]

"Learned helplessness" I like that. I was waiting for God to sort out my mental health issues while what I would have benefited from most was psychotherapy....

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Jason.

 

Sorry you had such a terrible time. I hope you have sought some professional help to overcome your problems. But you have taken a very positive step by leaving the religion.

 

Best to you.

[ToHellWithMe]

Interesting. Thank you for sharing.

Sounds like religious life is very binary to you. Believing intensely or not really at all. After all, total devotion is what the whole system of eternal punishment and/or reward necessitates.

 

But for me it's been different. For me it's almost always been a state of uncertainty. Helps me avoid acting in a way that would give me out, but on the other hand results in a chronically quilty conscience. I do give in sometimes to both sides at directing my train of thought, but when it's to the religious side, I do that in solitude and usually in my thoughts only. I'm glad I'm in control of the urge to express anything outwardly. If I'd openly expressed my thoughts a couple of nights ago, without cushioning, it would have crossed the mind of probably everyone I know that I'm crazy. That could hurt my image bad as I'm seen as very cool-minded and rational among most of my friends. One has admitted she's slightly worried of me losing it one day, but, I suppose, not so much as to keep much distance to me.

 

I doubt there's anyone I know who could come anywhere near close to understanding me on these matters. This site is my best bet. I don't dare to openly be myself. Many, perhaps almost everyone I know would try to use it to their advantage without allowing for much thought on how they might hurt me in doing so. Except perhaps for my relatives, but that's...a swamp of problems.

 

Bah, too much negativeness in this one, but this is how I am right now.

 

I can only hope that one day I could reach such an integrity that I would dare to be fully myself without risking much. Or find such friends with whom I'd need not be afraid.

[Galien]

Your story mirrors my own in so many ways. Some of us are brain wired in such a way that religion just makes us 100 times worse than we ever would have been. Just stay away from them, it will only ever end in tears. How the hell we even survive the nasty soup of christianity/mental or emotionalillness is a complete mystery to me. Glad you found this site

[thundersnow]

Christianity, especially the style of it delivered to me by my emotionally insecure mother, has also messed with my mind when I've been vulnerable due to depression and anxiety. Some elements of Christianity become monsters to the obsessive mind. I can look back at times when I thought I was being healed by it, when indeed I was just buying into imaginative beliefs out of emotional desperation. Funny enough is that some of the same beliefs that I intensely absorbed during times of deep depression, the ones that I relied on to pick me back up, have actually caused me the greatest damage nowadays. And some of my depression and anxiety was due to things I was taught by Christians anyway. An ugly vicious cycle.

 

So, I can totally relate to mental/emotional instabilities mixing with strong religious beliefs to create an even bigger mess of confusion. I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to tell your story. I think this is probably a common thing. The therapist that I've recently been seeing has stated multiple times that strong Christianity is very attractive to people who feel deeply insecure; absolutes are prescribed so there is not much necessity to think for one's self, an act that can be daunting to someone who is not secure in themselves.

[jasonwhatever]

Guys, I love you all as fellow humans, but I'm living a lie trying to pretend that I don't know that Jesus and His Father are Supreme God. Sometimes we want to not believe, so we make a shelter and a refuge in our own deceivings. The synergy and the order and the plan of the Bible just make so much sense, combined with the religious experiences I have had. I have seen it spiritually by The Holy Spirit, it is undeniable that Jesus is Christ.

 

I don't wish for you guys to be mad at me or to think I have turned on you. I haven't. Christ's Salvation is still open to you all. I, on the other hand, am eternally damned, as the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is to lose Him after receiving Him. It is a second spiritual death, and I have no hope.

 

Here is another secret that I know to be true but it is rarely preached: all the gentiles will eventually be saved in the Day of Judgement, except those who were already saved and fell away. Also, I believe that the catholic popes and others who make and spread false gospels are particulary damned of God too, because God has exalted His Word above all the creation. Remember, Jesus said that He will judge all in proportion to the Light they have received; The Word of God is that Light. Those who malign it with a false gospel-- as the Catholic "church" does-- are adversaries of The Lord. "Vengeance is Mine, Sayeth The Lord. I will repay."

 

Love you all

[YellowJacket]

Guys, I love you all as fellow humans, but I'm living a lie trying to pretend that I don't know that Jesus and His Father are Supreme God. Sometimes we want to not believe, so we make a shelter and a refuge in our own deceivings. The synergy and the order and the plan of the Bible just make so much sense, combined with the religious experiences I have had. I have seen it spiritually by The Holy Spirit, it is undeniable that Jesus is Christ.

 

I don't wish for you guys to be mad at me or to think I have turned on you. I haven't. Christ's Salvation is still open to you all. I, on the other hand, am eternally damned, as the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is to lose Him after receiving Him. It is a second spiritual death, and I have no hope.

 

Here is another secret that I know to be true but it is rarely preached: all the gentiles will eventually be saved in the Day of Judgement, except those who were already saved and fell away. Also, I believe that the catholic popes and others who make and spread false gospels are particulary damned of God too, because God has exalted His Word above all the creation. Remember, Jesus said that He will judge all in proportion to the Light they have received; The Word of God is that Light. Those who malign it with a false gospel-- as the Catholic "church" does-- are adversaries of The Lord. "Vengeance is Mine, Sayeth The Lord. I will repay."

 

Love you all

 

 

oh my

[ToHellWithMe]

I gotta ask you: aren't you also living a lie if you try to pretend that much of what you said in the first post about yourself is not true?

 

Again, what you write is binary, it's just the religious mode this time. Why not admit that what you think is both? You can run the religion program, so to speak, and you can run run its opposing program in your brain, too. And that you will, that you have to. Why should you try to go with just one if it results in dishonesty toward yourself? I'm rather sure all "programs" you have are necessary now. You can leave the bad ones out when you discover that they're no good. When you know for sure it's no good, you can do it without having to resort to denial. While you don't know, you just have to allow for the uncertainty.

 

What I think is that if you're 99% sure that something is true, then you're betraying yourself unless you allow for the 1% the doubt it deserves.

 

If there is a god, is it not a given that he won't require betrayal? If there is no god, then what matters is that you are betraying yourself. And surely there isn't a reward for betrayal in either case?

 

I'll give you a new program to play with, though: I assert that while there is sin, there is damnation. If sin is eternal, so will be the damnation. When the sin ends, ends the need for damnation. This rings truer to my ear than the concept of eternal fire some forms of Christianity profess, especially any with physical fire and brimstone involved, which just seems like some too-simplified-to-really-believe, dystopic fantasy world. In other words, "eternal hell" should rather be seen as damnation that can be eternal if needed. While there is self-betrayal, there will be related torment, so one will have to cleanse themselves of the self-betrayal before their suffering relating to it can come to a permanent end.

 

Please do give these ideas the benefit of doubt they deserve!