Casey Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Reading his suicide note made me very angry, angrier than I have been for a long time. I too did not have the best of childhoods, having been educated in three private catholic schools. Oh, I was never raped, much less repeatedly raped as he was, but pertaining to myself I can (if I care to, and that was not always so; it took many years to learn how to STOP certain images coming to mind whether I would or no), very clearly remember four brutal beatings inflicted upon myself, two of which contained elements of sexual abuse. I witnessed another four beatings inflicted on others which were of a similar brutality or worse. All of these, mind you, were inflicted under the heading of "christian discipline", or, if you prefer, "spare the rod and spoil the child", or whatever similar platitudes christians (including catholics, although some christians may deny it) use to disguise a variety of ugly actions which fall into the same general category. Bastards! Church crawlin' arse lickin' shit ridden poxed up an' should've been locked up shower o' bastards in fact. I shan't go into details; I can't be bothered any more. Who cares anyway? However, perhaps it may interest the reader to have a description of the emotional effects at the time and afterward of these events. Always bearing in mind of course, that anecdotal evidence is worth about four fifths of five eighths of fuck all. At the time of such events, there was nearly always a perception in us kids that something was about to happen which, to use the colloquial vernacular of the area in which I grew up, "Would frighten the bloody soul-case out of you." Now if, as I was, you were a sentient being, then you of course were of particular concern that it, whatever it was, should not happen to you. If that is clear? Well, it had been made very clear to us that we, at all times, should reflect in our facial expressions whatever the mood of our elders and betters was. That is to say, if they were feeling as happy as a pig in shit, then WE had better look as if we too, were as happy as said pig in said shit. Got it? Whereas if on the other hand, they were feeling as unhappy as any poor old porker suddenly robbed of its daily swill, then we all of us had better look just as unhappy, hadn't we? Too bloody right we had. One had to grasp that the vital thing was we were not allowed, for the most part, to show any emotions of our own. Who, after all, could care a cunt full of cold water about what we felt? As an aside, I would suppose the readers of these forums to know that I don't habitually make use of such expressions. Indeed, I would not use them even now, did I not feel bloody angry. But as it happens I AM feeling bloody angry, near silent tears of rage fucking angry in fact, so if anyone don't like it, tough! Should one of us not grasp this aforesaid fact of life, most necessary unto salvation as the church might say, then that child was just the same as a nail standing proud of a wooden floor, such a one as you might once have stubbed your toe on. What happens to such nails? They get hammered back down, don't they? The difference being, such a hammering does not hurt a nail in a floor, does it? Therefore we all desperately tried to look the same as everyone else, and now you know the real meaning of the phrase, "Keeping a Poker face", don't you? Only he who was being hammered was allowed to show any emotion, and that, one thinks, is only because pain left him no choice in the matter. And if it was YOU who was being hammered? You don't want to go there. Nor do I, save to say that even THEN, he who was being hammered was only allowed to show SO much emotion about it. So much and not one iota more! Lest it should be said of him, should he show any more than was his due ration, "Let him be Anathema!" And now you know what THAT phrase really means too, don't you kiddies? Learning something? In case you ain't, I remember one particular kid who would fall in to a pile of crying pieces if they so much as LOOKED hard at him ... As to the aftereffects of such events? You come to a strange realization, or I did, anyway. Which was that, even years after I'd left the system, someone only had to say some certain thing and there would suddenly appear in my mind a vivid pictorial memory of one or other of these events. What was worse, sometimes no one had to say anything, the memories were just suddenly THERE, and that was that. I should imagine that is what Bill went through too, except in his case, it would've been a zillion times worse. In these memories everything was detailed, down to, in one case, the colour and style of the sheets on a bed, in another the details of a brick stairwell, and in yet another, the details of exactly where I was sitting in a classroom on a certain day. Along with many other things thereunto appertaining, such as bellowing creatures in the shape of men, the sound of harsh thuds, the exact taste of fear in my mouth, and pain (of varying degrees). And I can STILL remember these things in detail, except now, by dint of long hard practice at it, only when I want to remember them. Mostly. PTSD? What do you think I am, a combat Veteran? I'm not, yet I believe I can say I can imagine what an old sweat's nightmares might be like. Effect on personal relationships? Just as Bill said in that suicide note. I couldn't have put that better myself, try as I might. I have never been in love, only in rut. Nor, I should think, shall I ever be in love, but that's another thing I've got to live with. Oh well, that's life, and (also in the colloquial vernacular of these parts) if you don't like it, shoot yourself. Been there, tried that, fuck it. Others had it worse than I, a lot worse. Besides which, I don't intend to give certain pricks the satisfaction, and there's an end to it. Casey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave. I believe that Evangelical homophobia contributes to stigmatizing male abuse victims. I often heard Christians say that gay men were men who were abused or neglected as children. And of course, homosexuality is demonized as one of the worst sins. It seems almost as if the victim felt that "becoming" gay should have been his destiny as a sexually abused child. It would also make it much, much harder to speak up even without the other factors involved, because (male abuse)->(becoming gay)->(being socially rejected and going to hell). love was proxied through a God he couldn't believe in That's a perfect way of expressing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedAtheist Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 It was very saddening to read his suicide letter. Having gone through a long bout of depression myself I totally relate to how he feels and the way he words its omnipresence was exactly how I felt. I find it sad as well that even after this letter and his suicide that his family are ice cold. It's a shame really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted February 8, 2011 Moderator Share Posted February 8, 2011 THIS is more than sad................................................. For once - Margee can't talk...................... Here's his beautiful 'little boy' face......................................... http://1000memories.com/billzeller Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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