foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 My hands are shaking. Husband woke up with a false sort of chipperness today. It was desperate to me. See-through. "Please come to church and make it the way I want it to be"...it said. He doesn't care that last week I nearly had a heart-attack at church (metaphorically....I think, but he noticed). Doesn't care about the anger and frustration. At church I am an island. Alone. Irritated. trapped. I got everyone ready. told him I would be here, at home, holding down the fort. He got mad. "I don't think so." he says "Well, I do- so I'm sorry you disagree!" Eyes narrow to slits "I do NOT approve" "okay......" Anyway the conversation goes on. Apparently "I" don't know the kind of influence that I have on people (read our kids)...yes I do, I assure him. I don't know how HARD this is, he tells me. ( I do know- That is why I have continued to go to church!) YOU don't know how hard it is for me to go for a year and a half feeling the way that I do. I tell him. YOU don't understand the implications of doing something like that forever and ever until I am an old lady. When I said how it causes me stress to be at church he said "Maybe there is a REASON for that, have you thought about THAT?!" "YEAH! I have a lot of reasons....." duh. SLAM...he slams the bathroom door in my face. "LET'S GO!"....to the kids "What about mom?" they say "WHAT about MOM.....WHAT about mom.........." I came out "Mom wants to stay home, don't ask Dad too many questions or his head will explode". I hug each kid on their way out the door. Ten year old says "Can I stay home too?" *I whisper in his ear* "please don't ask that right now" The end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 This is so sad. NSFG, I am sorry you have to go through it but I am impressed that you are staying true to yourself under such horrible pressure. Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom to offer... just hugs and moral support. HUGS!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks Noob. I forgot his comment "There is a lot that you do for this family...but there is very little I ask for, I am asking you for this." Wonder what his world would be like if I quit the other stuff. But I don't WANT to teach him through an object lesson......dumbass. And he doesn't just ask me to sit in church while I have an anuerism. He asks me to stifle my comments regularly- to not say what I think about things. it is too much. I love this man, people......Everything is fine until i remind him that I think Christianity is bullshit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrotherJosh Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Sorry to hear about this FG...Really not much advice to give other than you know your situation best and the path that you should follow. Obviously, attending church is something that is not making you happy and is not contributing to your well-being in a good way. If your husband can't understand that, then he needs to reevaluate how high of a priority your happiness is for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Sorry to hear about this FG...Really not much advice to give other than you know your situation best and the path that you should follow. Obviously, attending church is something that is not making you happy and is not contributing to your well-being in a good way. If your husband can't understand that, then he needs to reevaluate how high of a priority your happiness is for him. Thank you Josh. I might just quote you on that. so you did help, see? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted January 9, 2011 Moderator Share Posted January 9, 2011 I really wish I could help you hon! If only I had a magic wand......................... Hope your O.K. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Now I see why you are skipping church. That really sucks (not the skipping part itself, of course). This makes me think back on how my mom always skipped church before my dad died. She's not an atheist by any means. She'll be a baptist fundie till she dies. But I know she didn't fit into the CoC at all. Anyway, I hope your husband gets over the fact that you don't want to be somewhere each week where you don't belong and where you can't be yourself. If you stick to not going, it might take time, but maybe he'll get used to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Wow, FG, sounds like you had a tough morning. Is it raining on your part of town? That probably makes it that much more dismal! Hubby has some sort of "perfect family" image he wants to live up to and, sans the religion thing, you probably come as close as any family to that. It's too bad that he can't see that. He needs to decide whether he's going to try to keep forcing you to project a "perfect nucyoolur family" fantasy image or love you and respect you for who you are. That's the most important thing to show the kids. That loving another person for who they are is more important than a set of kooky religious doctrines. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dB-Paradox Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Does this ever sound familiar! But I'm the 'head of the household' so my wife virtually vanishes when this comes up. She used to ask if I'd attend church with her, but now she *accepts* that I won't. No, she's not the least bit happy about it, but we don't fight over it anymore either. I truly hope that you and your husband come to this place of acceptance. So sorry to hear about this. Hang in there! (I'm not great at consolation.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest riverrunner Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 so I have to confess I cave in and go often for my dw (just as often I don't go). she doesn't force my by any means, but i guess its not important enough for me to refuse to go. i always find ways to amuse myself with the sermon or the way people gush over god (privately). I almost think you should go if you value your marriage over the one hour per week suffering but no one should really be forced into it. its a tough situation you are in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 so I have to confess I cave in and go often for my dw (just as often I don't go). she doesn't force my by any means, but i guess its not important enough for me to refuse to go. i always find ways to amuse myself with the sermon or the way people gush over god (privately). I almost think you should go if you value your marriage over the one hour per week suffering but no one should really be forced into it. its a tough situation you are in. I've tried that for over a year. It isn't working for me. I have tried taking notes, writing snarky reports here and napping. I go to bed angry on saturday nights. I wake up angry sunday morning. I am angry all through chruch. An hour after we get home, I am myself again. I need to establish my RIGHT to stay home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 now i doubt myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest riverrunner Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I go to bed angry on saturday nights. I wake up angry sunday morning. I am angry all through chruch. An hour after we get home, I am myself again. I need to establish my RIGHT to stay home. if it is that bad you probably should spell that out to dh before sunday morning rolls around. of course you have a right to do whatever you want on sunday. but also when you are married your rights might very well piss off your spouse (i have done this plenty of times). whatever happens remember you have friends here, rational friends, caring friends, friends without superstitions. too bad we can't all go to the pub tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 now i doubt myself Don't live a lie. He is not just asking you to attend church as yourself, he is asking you to lie, to live out his beliefs which you are in disagreement with. In true compromise, both people feel as thought they have won something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 now i doubt myself Don't live a lie. He is not just asking you to attend church as yourself, he is asking you to lie, to live out his beliefs which you are in disagreement with. In true compromise, both people feel as thought they have won something. Thank you. Here is my therapy I am waiting for them to come home. Telling myself "I am love"... not looking for a fight. I am just me. Here I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 I go to bed angry on saturday nights. I wake up angry sunday morning. I am angry all through chruch. An hour after we get home, I am myself again. I need to establish my RIGHT to stay home. if it is that bad you probably should spell that out to dh before sunday morning rolls around. of course you have a right to do whatever you want on sunday. but also when you are married your rights might very well piss off your spouse (i have done this plenty of times). whatever happens remember you have friends here, rational friends, caring friends, friends without superstitions. too bad we can't all go to the pub tonight. You are right River. I should bring it up before. It was cowardice. He isn't rational on the subject- I am always avoiding it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I got everyone ready. told him I would be here, at home, holding down the fort. He got mad. "I don't think so." he says "Well, I do- so I'm sorry you disagree!" Eyes narrow to slits "I do NOT approve" This sounds like he has been counselled by someone in the church about being the head of the household and he is attempting to exercise his "god given right" in that respect. I doubt the issue in his mind is so much about church as it is about his perceived position of authority. What he is probably very concerned about is how it makes him look when he shows up to church without you. He is afraid that he will look weak in the eyes of his fellow Christians (and to many of them he will) if he can't even get his wife to come to church. He may even have been told as much by some fellow church members or possibly the pastor. It's very likely largely a matter of his saving face in front of his fellow Christians. I'm not saying this excuses his behavior, but may help you understand it a little more. Of course, I don't know your husband so I could be completely wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted January 9, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted January 9, 2011 He's a dick. Wish I could help. Stand your ground; you'd be worthless to yourself and everyone else if you are a mindless puppet. Meaningful change can be difficult and painful but sometimes necessary. Hang in there and remain an example of strength, honesty and compassion for your kids. You are their only decent role model. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklady Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I go to bed angry on saturday nights. I wake up angry sunday morning. I am angry all through chruch. An hour after we get home, I am myself again. I need to establish my RIGHT to stay home. if it is that bad you probably should spell that out to dh before sunday morning rolls around. of course you have a right to do whatever you want on sunday. but also when you are married your rights might very well piss off your spouse (i have done this plenty of times). whatever happens remember you have friends here, rational friends, caring friends, friends without superstitions. too bad we can't all go to the pub tonight. You are right River. I should bring it up before. It was cowardice. He isn't rational on the subject- I am always avoiding it. Perhaps when you establish your right to do what you want, ie stay home, you may then feel that on the odd occasion you could attend for your husband. But it must be your free and unforced choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 so I have to confess I cave in and go often for my dw (just as often I don't go). she doesn't force my by any means, but i guess its not important enough for me to refuse to go. i always find ways to amuse myself with the sermon or the way people gush over god (privately). I almost think you should go if you value your marriage over the one hour per week suffering but no one should really be forced into it. its a tough situation you are in. I've tried that for over a year. It isn't working for me. I have tried taking notes, writing snarky reports here and napping. I go to bed angry on saturday nights. I wake up angry sunday morning. I am angry all through chruch. An hour after we get home, I am myself again. I need to establish my RIGHT to stay home. That's no way to live. Ditto, what others have said - stand your ground. Once he realizes he's not going to win, he can start getting over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 There is a cold silence. I am going to do my homework. We can talk later. I think if I get him started, I will regret it. It will be interesting to see after a few hours where his thoughts have lead him. sometimes he surprises me. As for the counseling to "be a man"- I think he arrived by that naturally. His heart must have pounded while he did it, because I am not that kind of girl. I am very sweet, but don't push your luck. I'm just sayin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Wow, FG, sounds like you had a tough morning. Is it raining on your part of town? That probably makes it that much more dismal! Hubby has some sort of "perfect family" image he wants to live up to and, sans the religion thing, you probably come as close as any family to that. It's too bad that he can't see that. He needs to decide whether he's going to try to keep forcing you to project a "perfect nucyoolur family" fantasy image or love you and respect you for who you are. That's the most important thing to show the kids. That loving another person for who they are is more important than a set of kooky religious doctrines. Yes, it was raining and now it is snowing. He does have the perfect family image. You are right. Not only- but he thinks I will cause the kids to go to hell. I think I will talk to his dad. I don't know if he has yet or not. But if I am honest with my father-in-law (who sits behind us at church)...it may relieve that burden for husband. of answering the "Where is ___...is she okay?"...every week. I like you guys. I'd share my name, but this is a secret place. Can't be found. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super FZL Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Foolish girl, I'm very sorry that you have to deal with this. I know that I would be naive to think that any amount of sugarcoated words or chocolate-glazed paragraphs is going to make you feel better. I only wish I could offer you some offline comfort or solace like a hug or a listening ear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks FZL (floosie I am curious to see how it all works out. Guess I'll find out one day at a time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Marty Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Well, I came to this late! And I can't really think of anything to say that hasn't already been said by others. I just wanted to show my support for you and your stance. I imagine your husband would never consider going to anything he felt was insulting, demeaning, or even simply not for him, yet he expects that of you. It is a tough situation to be in, Im sure. But if he is so concerned about the children, perhaps telling him that you refuse to go for the sake of your daughter, who has been hurt by this church because she does not have a penis? I'm not sure if that would help your situation or cause more trouble, but perhaps if he realized it is not just your disbelief but a concern for the way your daughter is treated and her future self image would help? I hope this does not escalate into a worse situation, however you decide to handle it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts