foolish girl Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 Thank you, everyone. This is seven days of sadness and lack of motivation. Real. Not affected. I know he can see it- I wonder how long until it matters? Sorry guys, but I can't seem to recover. Hate to be a downer. I just re-read everyone's support and advice. It does help a lot. Ex-C is my sanctuary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovemybrain Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 You're not a downer. This is the mess that xianity makes of peoples lives and we're all struggling through it together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Thank you, everyone. This is seven days of sadness and lack of motivation. Real. Not affected. I know he can see it- I wonder how long until it matters? Sorry guys, but I can't seem to recover. Hate to be a downer. I just re-read everyone's support and advice. It does help a lot. Ex-C is my sanctuary. Just hang in there. Don't give up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklady Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Don't be hard on yourself - you're important and we are all with you here. Do what is best for you at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Don't be hard on yourself - you're important and we are all with you here. Do what is best for you at the time. Thank you Dark Lady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 In this situation, every option is going to feel wrong in some way or another. What you have just done, by going to church makes sense to me. But you are such an honest person that you cannot lie when you get there. Just go with the intuition week by week. Believe me I feel for you. The pain that you are expressing about the rift in communication with DH is the saddest thing. I just feel so sad that your husband does not seem capable of feeling your genuine love and commitment to him at the moment. Hopefully he will in due course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xerces Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 He needs to understand that he can't just yell & scream to have his way. Maybe if he wants you to go to church so bad he should reciprocate with watching some atheism material on the internet. You're a strong woman from what little I know of you, you're not a bad person. It'll get better FG, and we're all here for you, through strength and unity we will overcome, much love to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Marty Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Thank you, everyone. This is seven days of sadness and lack of motivation. Real. Not affected. I know he can see it- I wonder how long until it matters? Sorry guys, but I can't seem to recover. Hate to be a downer. I just re-read everyone's support and advice. It does help a lot. Ex-C is my sanctuary. I wonder if he thinks your sadness and stress is not because of what he is doing to you, but a result of your loss of faith. My money is on him thinking if he could get you back in church you would become the happy, good wife again. Perhaps the thing to do is to try and be outwardly happy (as hard as that may sound, believe me I know. When Im down, Im down; I cant really fake happy) during the weeks you dont go to church, and let yourself be gloomy when you do go to church. I think you need to show you are happier when you haven't been to church... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyB4 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Your husband's comments sound so familiar. I have basically heard the same things you have for the past three years. It was very sad for me to read what you are going through. It is so disturbing to me that by trying to be true to ourselves, we look like some damn heathen atheist. The bad guy in the family. The one that could influence the kids and be responsible for their eternal damnation. My husband and I have been on the brink of splitting over this on more than a few occassions. It is finally getting easier (knock on wood.) I have struggled with the go/don't go to church dilemma. I finally decided that I can't. When I did, it gave my husband hope. Once I realized my going to church made him think I might change my mind, I had to stop. It was just dragging things along. It is still hard, though. But I really think that stopping my attendance at church was a step in the right direction for us. He is losing hope and starting to leave me alone about it. I know how you feel during the prayers. I don't know what to do with myself when he prays at dinner. I don't know what to tell our kids. Or my in-laws for that matter. I know it can be ugly and bad and hurtful. Especially becuase you are both trying to do what is best for the family. We have also stopped discussing theology. He knows so much more than me and thinks that if I just read more I will believe. I had to be firm and cut off his debates. They used to be fun, but I am over it and I think that helped. I don't contribute on here much, but wanted to respond because I can identify so much with your situation. Even your feelings as Sunday approaches. I get that too. A sadness that the family is divided. And I feel guilty about it. Even though he's the one that drug us into xianity in the first place. Anyway...feel free to PM me anytime. Best of luck to you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyB4 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 [we look like some damn heathen atheist] I know I am a damn heathen atheist. I was trying to say that I feel I am looked down on because of this. Poor guy trying to go to church and the lazy, bad wife who always stays home. Poor kids. I know that's what that say. Prayers for the hubby trying to be the xian leader. This is why I never post. I takes me forever to explain myself and it still probably does not make sense! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 [we look like some damn heathen atheist] I know I am a damn heathen atheist. I was trying to say that I feel I am looked down on because of this. Poor guy trying to go to church and the lazy, bad wife who always stays home. Poor kids. I know that's what that say. Prayers for the hubby trying to be the xian leader. This is why I never post. I takes me forever to explain myself and it still probably does not make sense! Hi Happyb4. I am glad you posted. I understood what you meant. Yes, I feel bad too, thinking about others seeing him showing up with the kids all alone. I don't even want him to go with out me. I mean I love him and I want to be with him- I just don't want to be THERE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Stryper, I had many similar incidents, only the perpetrator was my mother. I'm sorry about the damn ham. Congratulations on your parents divorce. I earnestly hope that my husband is working through anger to acceptance. Funny story. When I was telling him how I feel at church, aggravated, isolated, irritated, angry, trapped, bored...he said "Well, we aren't animals! You can choose not to indulge those feelings" (or something like that) I said, "Well, if we are not animals why did you act like one when I told you, very nicely, that I was going to stay home??!!"..... I don't remember his response- it was like "WEll...ahhh" I laughed and said "see how I did that? it's like a gun! turned it around on ya!"...lol *SIGH* Wow. Well done. Phanta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I know a lot of closeness in a relationship comes from our inner dialogue. You know what you tell yourself about the other person. Wow. Wow. That makes a lot of sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 I know a lot of closeness in a relationship comes from our inner dialogue. You know what you tell yourself about the other person. Wow. Wow. That makes a lot of sense. @ Phanta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foolish girl Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Husband and I are mending. Just getting back to normal. Nothing has changed, we are just leveling out. Every Sunday will be an adventure until I figure out my expectations and wants. Interesting side-note. his Dad has an emotionally abusive wife. His Dad is going to divorce his wife. This was yet surprising news to us. So we were talking about it and one thing that I said to him was "I wonder if he (DH's Dad) ever put his foot down with her. He just lets her roll right over him. I wonder what would happen if He said "No"...and then let her have her fit, and moved on with his life. After telling her "No " a number of times, maybe she would adapt." Instead she has treated him like shit and now he is leaving her. ..I tell you it was three days later before i realized that this applies to me. Also, My 12 yr old finally noticed that I don't take communion anymore. He asked me about it and it was really awkward, because if I tell him how I feel- he will want to know why. This opens up a whole new can of worms that HAS to be dealt with, but I was still very low when he asked me. I was afraid to be honest (which pisses me off.) So I told him (more or less)....that I have spent my life believing, learning, and teaching the things that we learn at church. I had some problems with it, but I have always been able to comfort myself and forget. Recently I have learned new things. I have had new ideas. And I have considered the evidence very carefully- and i do not believe the same things that i used to believe. He wanted details...and I wanted to tell him, but I just told him that I didn't want to dump it all on him right now. I told him that if he ever has any specific questions or concerns that we can talk about it. He gave me a hug and said ok. And that was that. Later I went and gave him a hug and told him that I was proud of him, and thank you for being nice in our conversation. I also told him that he doesn't have to feel worried about me, and he said "ok". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagickMonkey Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 ... Interesting side-note. his Dad has an emotionally abusive wife. His Dad is going to divorce his wife. This was yet surprising news to us. So we were talking about it and one thing that I said to him was "I wonder if he (DH's Dad) ever put his foot down with her. He just lets her roll right over him. I wonder what would happen if He said "No"...and then let her have her fit, and moved on with his life. After telling her "No " a number of times, maybe she would adapt." Instead she has treated him like shit and now he is leaving her. ... Wow, this is just how it happened with my ex-wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShackledNoMore Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Husband and I are mending. Just getting back to normal. Nothing has changed, we are just leveling out. Every Sunday will be an adventure until I figure out my expectations and wants. Interesting side-note. his Dad has an emotionally abusive wife. His Dad is going to divorce his wife. This was yet surprising news to us. So we were talking about it and one thing that I said to him was "I wonder if he (DH's Dad) ever put his foot down with her. He just lets her roll right over him. I wonder what would happen if He said "No"...and then let her have her fit, and moved on with his life. After telling her "No " a number of times, maybe she would adapt." Instead she has treated him like shit and now he is leaving her. ..I tell you it was three days later before i realized that this applies to me. Also, My 12 yr old finally noticed that I don't take communion anymore. He asked me about it and it was really awkward, because if I tell him how I feel- he will want to know why. This opens up a whole new can of worms that HAS to be dealt with, but I was still very low when he asked me. I was afraid to be honest (which pisses me off.) So I told him (more or less)....that I have spent my life believing, learning, and teaching the things that we learn at church. I had some problems with it, but I have always been able to comfort myself and forget. Recently I have learned new things. I have had new ideas. And I have considered the evidence very carefully- and i do not believe the same things that i used to believe. He wanted details...and I wanted to tell him, but I just told him that I didn't want to dump it all on him right now. I told him that if he ever has any specific questions or concerns that we can talk about it. He gave me a hug and said ok. And that was that. Later I went and gave him a hug and told him that I was proud of him, and thank you for being nice in our conversation. I also told him that he doesn't have to feel worried about me, and he said "ok". One bad thing about all this is that you look like the bad guy (from your family's perspective). You are trying to keep things from getting out of control, but I think it comes off as appearing sheepish and guilty. It shields the fact that you have good reason, whether they buy your reason or not, for abandoning this god which in their eyes is not a fantasy. It seems to me like it looks ambiguous to them whether you even really believe it to be true, and from their perspective there is no good reason to back up your doubts. I know why you feel this way: being clear would destabilize things and there would be the risk of things turning out really badly when the dust finally settles. I think I would tend to deal with things just like you if I were in your shoes, but I'm not sure that's the best way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest riverrunner Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 man i feel like we are in almost the same boat. well, sometimes you have to warm up people with little hints before you can hit them with a hammer. as they realize you are still not coming back to the fold but are still a nice person you can ease up to the fact that you don't really believe this stuff anymore - this is what I am trying to do. I have no qualms about telling the kids there is no hell/devils/angels and the earth is 4.5 billion years old, essentially saying the church is wrong at least on these topics. my dw is not fundy so its not as difficult but someday i am going to have to have a confrontation i am not looking forward to. thanks for sharing fg. rant here anytime you need. we support you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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