How Long Does It Take To Heal?

[VacuumFlux]

So I'm in my late 20s and still living at home. Partly due to financial reasons, though those are improving. Much of it due to my parents' (particularly mom's) idea of "family". If I'm single and living in the same city as them, they cannot comprehend why I wouldn't want to live with them. And even if I move out, which they'd get over eventually, they'd expect me to come to church with them twice on sundays and on wednesdays. Somehow I can put up with going to church while I'm going with them, living at home, but I can't deal with driving myself there because it's just so fake. A few years ago, when the family moved, the parents decided that we as a family had promised each other that we'd all go to church together, and would only join a church if we all joined at once. My sister refused to join the church my parents decided we'd all attend, and my mom therefore refused to join any church until my sister was married (despite my sister moving out long before then), because my sister is now part of a different family unit so her part of the promise is no longer applicable.

 

My parents cannot comprehend anyone not believing in some form of the Christian god. In fact, they've lived in such a bubble that they get horrible confused by liberal christians. My extended family is mostly christian, some more involved than others. A small number of them would be upset with me not regularly attending a fundy church; a much larger number of them would be confused, hurt, and/or horrified to learn that I'm an atheist.

 

I'm out to a decent number of my friends, but my circle of friends that I'm totally open and honest with is quite small. I find that when I'm really depressed about something, I have to be incredibly careful who I share my feelings with, because too many of my friends will just make it worse (not maliciously, just... they don't get it or don't get me or try to give the wrong kind of comfort). So I have a large friend network that would be great for support if, say, someone close to me died, or I lost my job, etc. But I'm a lesbian/bi atheist with fundamentalist parents, and few of my friends have ever had to "come out" to their families about anything. So they'd feel bad for me, but can't really provide good support for this. I mean, I've had this happen a lot before, where I'm upset about something and looking for some emotional support and have to spend forever explaining why I'm upset and my friends still don't quite get it, and even though they'll try to be generically supportive I just end up feeling more alone and inhuman.

 

Then something happened at church this morning that will hopefully blow over but may not; my dad tried to pick up last years' tithe summary for charitable donation tax exemptions, and they didn't anything for me. I've been lying to them and saying that I'm tithing online. Luckily, my dad's paperwork was wrong so he's assuming there were clerical errors, but they wrote my name down to go check on, so they might end up telling my dad something about my finances. I'm partially pissed at the thought that they'd share my financial info with anyone else, and partially pissed at me for not thinking fast enough this morning and allowing dad to try to get the paperwork for me. I think I was just too... dissociated about the whole thing, and decided that if I was tithing I'd let him get the papers for me, and just kept playing along with myself on something I know is a lie.

 

So why don't I just move out and tell my parents to fuck off? I guess... I still want them to love me. And we do have some common interests, and we hang out together a lot and go to concerts together, and eat together. We read some of the same books (we have friendly fights over library books that we're all trying to read at once). So I can't make myself just not care about them. I can't make myself be completely angry and hate them either. But our relationship isn't healthy enough that I can go with the "i care about you mom and dad and still want to be friends" sort of outing.

 

Without my parents' knowledge, I have been making some friends they would be horrified by, and acting like myself, and doing things they would consider to be highly sinful. As I develop that side of me, I'm discovering that I can't just live the rest of my life split in half. But I can't imagine living through the aftermath of coming out to my family either. If I loose that many of the relationships in my life, what do I have left to be living for? I know there's plenty of people who've gone through this and say their life has ended up better. But how long does it take before it's better? If I destroy this much of my life, what will I be living for while I rebuild? I want to live (not just be alive, truly live), but I don't want the life I have. I just don't know how to take what I have now and build myself a life I'd find worthwhile.

[ilovemybrain]

I am SO right with you there...I am out but after a year, still feeling some of the aftermath, and feeling a little split in half as I am going through a divorce. We haven't started the process yet, and I'm feeling torn because I don't want the life I have, being a constant disappointment to my fundy husband, and I want to get on with building a life for myself, but I'm dreading actually going through with it and telling our 4 kids. So I keep waffling. The more I think about it the more convinced I am, but it's just so hard to actually DO.

 

I'm 39 but I still want the approval of my parents, and I don't have that anymore. They haven't cut me off or anything but they yelled and cried at me once and that was the last time I could have a "real" conversation with them about anything but the weather. I have a lot of people around me who, like your parents, just can't fathom anyone not believing in god. So I feel like a complete freak almost everywhere but here. I do have liberal xian friends who accept me as I am, but they don't truly understand either.

 

I will say, though, that even though this is painful, it is still worth it to be myself. At least I have MY approval now. I hope the same for you.

[Guest riverrunner]

your situation is common amongst ex-c's yet still tricky to deal with. christians even view homosexuality in a better light than atheism. sounds to me like you need to work toward getting your own place maybe even in another town/state. then you will be able to get out from prying eyes so to speak. you are most certainly an adult and should be treated like one - but when you are in their house they might not act like this.

[florduh]

So why don't I just move out and tell my parents to fuck off? I guess... I still want them to love me.

They don't love you. They don't know you. They love their false image of you. If you remain dishonest about who you are then you deny them any chance of knowing and loving the real you.

[VacuumFlux]

ilovemybrain: Ouch, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how much harder this would be if I had a spouse and kids. And thanks for... providing a realistic set of expectations to counter my hopes for a magic fix. I keep wanting to believe that everything can end up working out perfectly, and I think that's just making me stress out more because I know reality never works out that cleanly.

 

christians even view homosexuality in a better light than atheism. sounds to me like you need to work toward getting your own place maybe even in another town/state. then you will be able to get out from prying eyes so to speak.

 

I'm not sure if my parents would take the atheism or the homosexuality harder. Last church we were at (and the current one has the same sort of attitudes) got a bunch of papers for signature to put an anti-gay-marriage issue on the state ballot, and the whole congregation lined up after the service to sign it. There was a huge fight because my sister refused to sign it. My parents think I signed it, but I really just hung around trying to look invisible so no one noticed that I was never actually in line. My parents were scandalized that my sister once willingly had a lesbian roommate.

 

I intended to get a job out of state after I graduated, but I was... not really very capable of taking care of myself at the time and was offered a good job with good benefits in town. Having a real job has helped me start to feel like more of an adult, and my awesome benefits include cheap shrink visits. I'm slightly worried about leaving some of my friends, and having to rely on a distant support network while I go through a move. I'm a creature of habit and stress badly even about positive changes, so I'm fairly sure a move will involve several days of feeling lost and crying myself to sleep. Which isn't a reason not to do it, it just means I have to have some sort of plan in place to get myself past that stage. Usually hugs and physical contact do the most for me in that situation, so I'm not sure what the best way to handle that is if I don't have close friends in town.

 

They don't love you. They don't know you. They love their false image of you. If you remain dishonest about who you are then you deny them any chance of knowing and loving the real you.

 

I don't expect them to ever love the real me if they find out who I am. I epitomize everything they hate and think is destroying America (they don't even know that my political views are currently rather liberal). I've tried in smaller ways to be open with them, and it often backfires. I still share more with them than I probably should, and it feels like I just keep running into a brick wall. I wonder if I love a fake ideal of parents as much as they love their fake idea of me. I keep telling myself I should just give up and quit caring, but then I forget again because I really want them to like me. And they're not consistently assholes, just... often enough to not be safe to trust.

[Ro-bear]

There is a difference between out and out. My parents know I do not go to church or ever speak of God. My sister told them I was an atheist back when I was 16, and my mother replied, "No, he isn't" probably to keep Dad from blowing a gasket. I am 51 years old now, and we still do not speak of this. They know I am not a believer, but we never talk about it. It's better for everyone.

[stryper]

short answer to your direct question. 1-5 years. It can take longer, but most people recover in this time. It will by no means always be easy. You'll change and they will too. They may decide that loving you is better then religion though from the sound of it I don't think so. You will meet new people who know nothing of your life before. They will accept you for who you are.

 

the other issue that I think you are facing is the choice of leaving the nest. You have stated that is your intent. In this case, it would probably be best to talk with your parents and state your intent to move out. Then make plans and work toward that goal. You may just have to tell them that you need to on your own and live your own life.

 

The only way that you will grow is to leave. Leaving will cause a rupture in your family, it does to all families though some handle it better then others. Yours may take longer to recover then most.

[Margee]

''short answer to your direct question''. 1-5 years.

 

thanks for that answer stryper - 5 years is how long it took me to accept and grieve my sister's death.

[Deva]

There is a difference between out and out. My parents know I do not go to church or ever speak of God. My sister told them I was an atheist back when I was 16, and my mother replied, "No, he isn't" probably to keep Dad from blowing a gasket. I am 51 years old now, and we still do not speak of this. They know I am not a believer, but we never talk about it. It's better for everyone.

 

I am in much the same situation. I actually wrote my mother asking her not to send me anymore tracts or devotionals. This was only after 10 years of it. I don't dare tell them I am a Buddhist. That would not go over any better than atheism (not sure they would even believe me) and they are in their mid 70s. They are not open minded about the subject of religion.

 

I am sure they know I am not a believer, hence the tracts. That was even when I was still attending a liberal Christian Church.

 

Its only sad because they really don't know me very well anymore.

[VacuumFlux]

Hm, good distinction between out and out. I need to try to remember that this isn't an all or nothing deal. That would probably help a lot with the anxiety issues. And really, even if they do end up discovering that I'm not tithing, that doesn't automatically out me as atheist or not-straight. It does out me as a liar though, which is what I hate most about living in the closet.

 

I suppose I do need to focus more on the moving out. I'd at least have more space to recover in between awkward conversations and general life messes. I've tentatively brought it up before, and they've been dismissive of the idea, so I've been afraid to push harder. I'm quite non-confrontational and don't want to start a fight. Which is really another reason to move out, so that if I do have to stand up for myself I'll have somewhere safe to crash/hide afterwards.

 

Baby steps.

 

Breathe.

 

Thanks also for the 1-5 years estimate. I'd love it to be faster, but... it's better to go into these sort of things with both eyes open instead of expecting too much and getting depressed when my dreams turn out to be too optimistic.

[Godless Dave]

Good luck. Remember, you don't need their permission to move out. If you're paying them some kind of rent then you should give them 30 days notice, but that's it.

[Guest ephymeris]

<BR>Hm, good distinction between out and <B>out</B>. I need to try to remember that this isn't an all or nothing deal. That would probably help a lot with the anxiety issues. And really, even if they do end up discovering that I'm not tithing, that doesn't automatically out me as atheist or not-straight. It does out me as a liar though, which is what I hate most about living in the closet.

 

There are ways to come out other than the big sit down talk, laying it all out there. It's a more passive aggressive way but it helped me to avoid a huge blow up moment to just let out little hints about where I stood in regards to politics and religion. I did this for approximately 2-3 years until even the little effort I was putting into holding my tongue became so distasteful and embittering that I knew I had to tell my mom for real. After laying all this ground work, when I finally came out with it and it wasn't that big of a deal. I think I gave her time to process this new idea of me over the years so it wasn't the huge slap in the face it could have been.

 

Since then my mom has stopped pressing me about what I believe (or don't believe rather) and she's stopped aiming her oppressively sugary sweet judgemental christian shit at me for the most part. She no longer posts her religious crap on my facebook page but has moved it to a private note so her christian groupies can read it but I don't have to. Also, recently when one of my pets died and the other got sick she told me we were in her thoughts instead of her prayers. It's little things like that that let me know she's trying to respect me the best she can. She gets her jabs in but I don't let them go unnoted these days. When I went home over christmas I showed her the 1.5 million year old ammonite pendant my husband bought me for our anniversary and told her the history and she smiled and said "It's really pretty but I believe the earth is only 10,000 years old." I told her that was crazy and she just giggled...so weird.

 

Good luck with your situation, I think (if you are like me) you will get to the point that pretending is so annoying and fatiguing that you feel it is worth the risk of upsetting your family. It sounds like your sister is already expressing her rights to be herself, maybe you can join forces and feel more empowered?

[Vixentrox]

An abusive relationship isn't much of a relationship worth having if you ask me. Being bullied or intimidated into going to church and worshiping their evil god is abuse in my opinion.

[VacuumFlux]

Updates since the first post:

 

Drama about the tithing was averted. The worry about how to handle that triggered fear of all sorts of worst case scenarios that could happen, lots of unresolved issues. Circumstances worked out so that I don't actually have to deal with any of them yet.

 

Talked to my shrink. Before the appointment, I'd already realized that I was somewhat over-reacting, and that drama over tithing doesn't mean my parents automatically find out I'm a lesbian atheist. The shrink also helped me realize that even if a fight did happen, I can control my anger and other issues involved and not bring them into it. As she described bad ways to fight, I recognised my parents; they don't have good communication skills, and eventually something triggers a big fight and they bring up all sorts of old hurts. But I don't have to do that, and no matter how legitimate the associated feelings and anger are, they aren't part of that conversation and will only make things messier. That was quite a relief, to realize that I can deal with all these things individually.

 

So life is back to its annoying normal state for a while. I'm getting better at handling anxiety, and hopefully will be able to act like a mature adult as life continues to happen. I've decided the next fight I will choose to have is with moving out. That is not as strong a moral issue for them as the other fights I could have, so that's probably a good first step in asserting my independence and adulthood. It'll probably still be a few months as I dump money into savings so that I feel like I'm making a responsible decision to move out, and not just running away. But I do have to be sure I don't keep telling myself that I'm being responsible by waiting and use that as an excuse to avoid the fight it'll cause.

 

Oh, and a footnote about the abuse issues. My parents are not evil people, and tried their best to raise us well. Unfortunately, neither of my parents had good role models for this. My older sibling is much... stronger willed than I am and fought with my parents all the time (they'd have yelling matches, and I don't think that my parents were always the ones to start it). My personality is not so strong, and I hate confrontation. So I ended up with some issues just from growing up around people who fought a lot. There were also... 2 times (i think that's all) where my parents were truly emotionally abusive, with screaming at me until I started crying, then screaming more, with no chance of dialogue happening. Well, mom did the actual screaming part, but dad didn't try to stop her. Once he thought he was being a moderator (he was really the one I was mad at; mom misunderstood it and I ran to my room crying when she said something mean; she followed me back to my room and just kept screaming at me while I huddled on the bed crying. Dad was there too, trying to help us "talk" to each other), and once he agreed with what she was saying, even if he didn't agree with the presentation. So ever sense then I get really panicky when I'm afraid I might trigger a situation that'll make that happen again. But if it does, I know I won't handle it well, but this time I know how to handle it as an adult and not let it get that far. And if all else fails, I own a car now and can just leave the house. I never have to let that happen to me again.