Let's Make 'bedtime Stories'!

[Margee]

Here's one of my favorite bedtime stories:

 

Once upon a time, a man named Jephthah had an only daughter. He loved her very much......but then...........

Jephthah heard the spirit of the lord and made a vow to the LORD: "If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord's, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering."

Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the LORD gave them into his hands. He devastated twenty towns from Aroer to the vicinity of Minnith, as far as Abel Keramim. Thus Israel subdued Ammon. When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of tambourines! She was an only child. Except for her he had neither son nor daughter. When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, "Oh! My daughter! You have made me miserable and wretched, because I have made a vow to the LORD that I cannot break."

"My father," she replied, "you have given your word to the LORD. Do to me just as you promised, now that the LORD has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites. But grant me this one request," she said. "Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry." "You may go," he said. And he let her go for two months. She and the girls went into the hills and wept because she would never marry. After the two months, she returned to her father and he did to her as he had vowed. And she was a virgin...................................................................................

 

But Mom?????

Yes honey - he had to burn her to death, because he made a vow and a promise to the lord!

Nighty-night hunbun............. sleep tight - don't let the bed-bugs bite................... :wacko:

 

[MagickMonkey]

OOhhh, that kind of bed time story.

 

Towards the end of the story, one might think the daughter is planning an escape. He lets her go off for a couple of months. But then the dumb bitch returns.

[Margee]

OOhhh, that kind of bed time story.

 

Towards the end of the story, one might think the daughter is planning an escape. He lets her go off for a couple of months. But then the dumb bitch returns.

 

 

Grt your mind of of the gutter and make up a nice 'bedtime' story from the bible to read to your children at night! You little monkey! LOL

[pratt]

once upon a time, there is this old man went to the mountain with the son,,,

 

suddenly god tell the old man to cut his son stomach open and offer the son for sacrifice,,,,

 

and the old man turn to his son and smile,,,,,,,,,, (slowly turn your head and smile evily at your daughter),,,,,

[MagickMonkey]

You know, the evil buybull bed time stories idea isn't too bad. I haven't told my daughter a bed time story in quite a while. When I do, I often make them up. Or if I tell a classic story, I put my own spin on it. But when my imagination is lacking, I could put my own spin on a good old buybull story.

[Margee]

once upon a time, there is this old man went to the mountain with the son,,,

 

suddenly god tell the old man to cut his son stomach open and offer the son for sacrifice,,,,

 

and the old man turn to his son and smile,,,,,,,,,, (slowly turn your head and smile evily at your daughter),,,,,

 

Oh my god - i'm laughin' so hard!!!

[Margee]

Here's another nice bedtime story for your child...................................................... 'How God flooded the earth'

 

Once upon a time God made his creation and they didn't turn out very good. They ate a piece of fruit off a tree and god got very mad at them and said'' I will have to punish you for the rest of your days for eating that piece of fruit.

 

Anyway a few years later, things didn't get any better and God was still very angry. He even said he was sorry that he made humans, because they turned out so nasty and evil. He decided to make it rain for a long, long time so he could kill and wipe all the humans off the earth, so he could start over again.

 

He picked one family that seemed to be good in his eyes. 4 men and theirs wives built a very, very big ship (with hardly any tools at all) and brought every animal that they could get there hands on (the animals weren't evil like humans). They were really tired because the big ship was 3 decks high, but they managed to get it built in one week. But unfortunately they couldn't fit all the animals, so, the other animals that couldn't' t fit on the ship would have to die. It was really hard to live on that ship because everybody had to use the bathroom - even all the animals, and the ventilation wasn't very good so it was really stinky. the kitchen must have been really big because everyone had to eat and especially all the big animals! It was a lot of cooking for those 4 woman!

 

Now, the rain started to fall and God was happy because he was going to drown every man, woman, child,and animal, and start over again. Five months later the ship landed on top of a mountain. The waters went down, and the only humans left on the earth were Noah and his family. God was pleased and put a nice rainbow in the sky and told them to have babies so that many more people could be born and repopulate the world again.

 

But not long after,Noah let God down and got drunk in a tent and passed out. (He was really tired and stressed because of the past few months)

 

His son saw him naked.The son went a got his other brothers and covered their dad up so they wouldn't see his 'pee-pee'. When Noah woke up and learned that his boys seen him naked, he laid a curse on his son's son, Canaan and he had to be a slave to his brothers for the rest of his life for covering him up. Noah lived till he was a cranky old man and he finally died when he was 950 years old.

 

End of story

[MagickMonkey]

Here's another nice bedtime story for your child...................................................... 'How God flooded the earth'

 

Once upon a time God made his creation and they didn't turn out very good. They ate a piece of fruit off a tree and god got very mad at them and said'' I will have to punish you for the rest of your days for eating that piece of fruit.

 

Anyway a few years later, things didn't get any better and God was still very angry. He even said he was sorry that he made humans, because they turned out so nasty and evil. He decided to make it rain for a long, long time so he could kill and wipe all the humans off the earth, so he could start over again.

 

He picked one family that seemed to be good in his eyes. 4 men and theirs wives built a very, very big ship (with hardly any tools at all) and brought every animal that they could get there hands on (the animals weren't evil like humans). They were really tired because the big ship was 3 decks high, but they managed to get it built in one week. But unfortunately they couldn't fit all the animals, so, the other animals that couldn't' t fit on the ship would have to die. It was really hard to live on that ship because everybody had to use the bathroom - even all the animals, and the ventilation wasn't very good so it was really stinky. the kitchen must have been really big because everyone had to eat and especially all the big animals! It was a lot of cooking for those 4 woman!

 

Now, the rain started to fall and God was happy because he was going to drown every man, woman, child,and animal, and start over again. Five months later the ship landed on top of a mountain. The waters went down, and the only humans left on the earth were Noah and his family. God was pleased and put a nice rainbow in the sky and told them to have babies so that many more people could be born and repopulate the world again.

 

But not long after,Noah let God down and got drunk in a tent and passed out. (He was really tired and stressed because of the past few months)

 

His son saw him naked.The son went a got his other brothers and covered their dad up so they wouldn't see his 'pee-pee'. When Noah woke up and learned that his boys seen him naked, he laid a curse on his son's son, Canaan and he had to be a slave to his brothers for the rest of his life for covering him up. Noah lived till he was a cranky old man and he finally died when he was 950 years old.

 

End of story

 

That's great. And bible stories don't just have to be used for bed times. Next time one of the kids gets caught taking a snack without asking, I can remind them how god fuck up Adam and Eve's life for stealing one of his apples. I tell them to leave my guitars alone. So next time one of them does mess with one of my guitars, I'll bring up the ark of the covenant. "Better be glad I'm not god, or I'd FUCKING KILL YOU for touching my guitar!!!"

 

BTW, looking at the supposed ages of some of the early bible characters further shows how the Hebrews did not believe in an afterlife. Living to be 950 years old isn't shit compared to an eternal life after death. It's only a big deal if the life you are currently living is the only one you get to live.

[Overcame Faith]

Once upon a time a god named YHWH created a place where he could burn all the people who didn't do exactly what he wanted them to do. Then YHWH decided to make a way for some people to escape this place of eternal punishment. He thus impregnated a virgin who bore his son. This son grew up and the son and YHWH orchestrated his crucifixion, but did it in a way so it appeard as if one of the son's own followers betrayed him, where the son's own people, the Jews, facilitiated it, and where the Romans carried it out. But it only appeared to be the fault of the betrayor, the Jews, and the Romons when in fact the Son and YHWH actually planned it out all along and manipulated events to cause it all to happen.

 

After the son was crucified, he rose from the dead, appeared to a number of people and then ascended into heaven. YHWH decided that from that time forward, only those people who did not believe that the son died as an atonement would burn in the eternal place of fire after their deaths. He knew that not all people would even hear of his son, and that babies couldn't believe because they weren't capable, and he also knew that the evidence of his own existence and even the existence of the son was sketchy at best. So, therefore, only a small number of people would actually escape this eternal torment.

 

As time went by, people established a religion in which they worshipped the son. One important way they tried to convince people to come to their churches was to warn them that if they did not believe in the son, they would have to endure terrible torture for all eternity. This caused a lot of fear for people and had the effect of trapping many innocent people into believing the story of the son and acting in a way that was contrary to their own best interests and the best interests of society in general.

 

As many years passed and generation after generation passed and the religion based on the worship of the son spread to all over the world and had many, many adherents, a small group of people discovered something fantastic but also shattering to themselves. They discovered that the whole story was not true and that this place of eternal punishment did not even exist.

 

And these people are waiting to live happily ever after which is really difficult for them because sometimes their families and friends hate them because they know the truth and their family and friends and most of those around them who believe the story treat them like they are evil and corrupt people. And this hurts those who know the truth and they wish they could help deliver those who believe the terrible lie.

[VacuumFlux]

Once upon a time, YHWH picked out a group of people to be his special friends, and told them they should be very careful to only worship him and not be friends with any of the other gods. But the people didn't listen, and YHWH got jealous and angry. So YHWH got his special friends' neighbors to come make a mess, kill lots of people, and take many of them away from their homes.

 

Now, some of the special people who were taken away decided to be very careful to only have YHWH as a friend, and no other gods. So YHWH let them come back home, led by a guy named Ezra. When they got there, they discovered that the special people who had stayed behind had friends other than YHWH! Even worse, they'd married and had families with non-special people who didn't worship YHWH at all! Now Ezra was really worried about this, because he didn't want to make YHWH mad again. So he got the special people together and told them that having non-special wives was BAD and makes YHWH jealous and angry. No one wanted YHWH to get angry again, so they started to throw all their non-special wives out of their houses. But so many of the special people had done this, that it took a long time to get rid of all the non-special women.

 

And once that was cleaned up, all of YHWH's special friends lived happily ever after! (We don't know whether the wives and kids lived happily ever after or not, but that doesn't matter, because they weren't YHWH's special friends.)

[Margee]

Once upon a time a god named YHWH created a place where he could burn all the people who didn't do exactly what he wanted them to do. Then YHWH decided to make a way for some people to escape this place of eternal punishment. He thus impregnated a virgin who bore his son. This son grew up and the son and YHWH orchestrated his crucifixion, but did it in a way so it appeard as if one of the son's own followers betrayed him, where the son's own people, the Jews, facilitiated it, and where the Romans carried it out. But it only appeared to be the fault of the betrayor, the Jews, and the Romons when in fact the Son and YHWH actually planned it out all along and manipulated events to cause it all to happen.

 

After the son was crucified, he rose from the dead, appeared to a number of people and then ascended into heaven. YHWH decided that from that time forward, only those people who did not believe that the son died as an atonement would burn in the eternal place of fire after their deaths. He knew that not all people would even hear of his son, and that babies couldn't believe because they weren't capable, and he also knew that the evidence of his own existence and even the existence of the son was sketchy at best. So, therefore, only a small number of people would actually escape this eternal torment.

 

As time went by, people established a religion in which they worshipped the son. One important way they tried to convince people to come to their churches was to warn them that if they did not believe in the son, they would have to endure terrible torture for all eternity. This caused a lot of fear for people and had the effect of trapping many innocent people into believing the story of the son and acting in a way that was contrary to their own best interests and the best interests of society in general.

 

As many years passed and generation after generation passed and the religion based on the worship of the son spread to all over the world and had many, many adherents, a small group of people discovered something fantastic but also shattering to themselves. They discovered that the whole story was not true and that this place of eternal punishment did not even exist.

 

And these people are waiting to live happily ever after which is really difficult for them because sometimes their families and friends hate them because they know the truth and their family and friends and most of those around them who believe the story treat them like they are evil and corrupt people. And this hurts those who know the truth and they wish they could help deliver those who believe the terrible lie.

 

Oh my god Overcame and Vacuum ! I loved your stories!! Excellent! I am 'cracking up sooo bad!

What a way to let out a little sarcasm and anger!

 

This helps me so much with 'deconverting' - in seeing how ridiculous these stories are!! Thanks!

 

[Margee]

Bedtime stories continue: Come on! - Let's create a book and make a million dollars!!

This bedtime story comes from - 2 Kings 2:23-25

Once a upon a time .............there were 42 little children playing gleefully in a nice, pretty field. :bounce:

 

 

They were so cute - just little innocent kids. One of God’s prophets, a man by the name of Elisha, was on a trip to the city of Bethel. He was the miracle-working Elijah, making his rounds from town to town to tell people about god.

 

He received donations for psychic feats such as finding lost objects,and interpreting dreams. He was a source of wise counsel, opinions and predictions of the future. He was inspired by God.

Elisha was a wonderful prophet of god, but he had no hair.

As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and started making fun of him for his shiny head. They said - “Get out of here, baldy!” “Get out of here, baldy!” Now, Elisha was "real" sensitive about his male pattern baldness. But - kids will be kids!''

So Elisha, as a prophet, saw their hardened and rebellious condition, unresponsive to correction. In the name of the Lord. Elisha simply turned them over to the Lord and to their own devises, which had the effect of removing them from even the common protection of God.

 

“May God deal with you brats according to what you deserve!'' “May you be cursed for your sins of rebellion because without the Lord there is no protection and you are blaspheming one of God’s servants."

 

Elisha did not call out the bears, God did. Two female bears (not three bears--papa bear, mamma bear, and baby bear) came out and tore up the forty-two children.

 

The tragedy that befell these young boys obviously was of divine design. Elisha, as a mere man, would have possessed no power to call forth wild animals out of the woods merely at his bidding.

 

But the sovereignty of Jehovah over the animal kingdom frequently is affirmed in the Scriptures. God sent fiery serpents to bite the Israelites (Numbers 21:6); the Lord slew a disobedient young prophet by means of a lion (1 Kings 13:24ff). Jehovah shut the lions’ mouths to protect Daniel (Daniel 6:22). He prepared a great fish to swallow Jonah (Jonah 1:17), and guided one to Peter’s hook (Matthew 17:24ff).

 

Clearly, therefore, it was the Lord God who brought those bears out of the forest.

 

Moral of the story: don't make fun of people cause god could get very mad at you and send a wild animal to eat you up!!

 

Note the Lord’s comment: ''They mocked the messengers of God, and despised his words, and scoffed at his prophets, until the wrath of Jehovah arose against his people, till there was no remedy” (2 Chronicles 36:16).

 

[Droptail]

Don't forget the illustrations! Any buybull story worth its salt should have bright, colorful, detailed pictures to go along with it...

[Guest I Love Dog]

Once upon a time, there was a man, Aaron, who had four sons. One day, Aaron said to his sons,

 

"Let's have a barbecue today, burn a goat or two, you know how God loves the smell of burning flesh. Nadab and Abihu, you two boys light the fire and we'll get started."

 

Unfortunately, the poor, inexperienced boys didn't quite know how to light the fire as God had instructed and God thought that the fire was strange and he didn't like it so he sent a great bolt of fire down from heaven upon the two boys and killed them instantly

 

Aaron was about to tell god that he wasn't happy about his two sons being killed but God spoke and told him, "Listen, when you mess with me and don't do things MY way, then you pay the price".

 

 

Leviticus 10

[Margee]

Once upon a time, there was a man, Aaron, who had four sons. One day, Aaron said to his sons,

 

"Let's have a barbecue today, burn a goat or two, you know how God loves the smell of burning flesh. Nadab and Abihu, you two boys light the fire and we'll get started."

 

Unfortunately, the poor, inexperienced boys didn't quite know how to light the fire as God had instructed and God thought that the fire was strange and he didn't like it so he sent a great bolt of fire down from heaven upon the two boys and killed them instantly

 

Aaron was about to tell god that he wasn't happy about his two sons being killed but God spoke and told him, "Listen, when you mess with me and don't do things MY way, then you pay the price".

 

 

Leviticus 10

 

Love it 'Dog'! Excellent! What a nice story to tell your children at night!

[Margee]

I love making these 'bedtime stories!' Here's another one: These, of course, are 'bible truths!

 

Once upon a time there was a beautiful angel that lived in the clouds with all the other angels. He was an anointed cherub in a top position for God. As an archangel, he had a host of angels under his authority.

 

His real name at birth was Lucifer, and he was one of trillions of angels who could come on the mountain of God and spend time in His presence. God loved Lucifer and gave him ruler ship over the earth long before the creation of Adam and Eve – probably having the Garden of Eden as his headquarters.

 

One Day Lucifer decided to go against god. He used the ability of choice and ego to violate his position and disobey God. Pride set in and he chose to wage a war against his Creator, desiring to be God's superior. He wanted power over God. He became the supreme enemy of God.

Satan wanted more than the earth to rule; he desired to take over God’s place on the throne and rule over all of the worlds. Satan does all he can to keep a person deceived and in darkness, so god can send all the ones who used to follow him to hell. And God allows this!

Satan won the battle with god, and now god doesn't have power over this devil! It seems as if the devil is really god, cause he has so much power!

Some evil spirits are sent to you by god himself!

 

Evil spirits which cause mental disturbances: They were sent by God to torment people:

Judges 9:23: "Then God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem..." 1 Kings 22:23: "...behold, the LORD hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these thy prophets..." 1 Samuel 16:14: "But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him." (KJV) 1 Sam 18:10: "And it came to pass on the morrow, that the evil spirit from God came upon Saul..." 1 Sam 19:9: "And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul..."

The devil will persuade people in their thoughts that evolution is how we came into existence. He also puts in the minds of others, that the Bible is not God’s Word, but just a book written by men.

 

He tries to deceive you by using the lusts of this world, the cares of this life, the pleasures of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and many other devices.

 

Satan is a master at mixing the truth with deception in your mind and causing confusion. Not only does Satan speak to you in your thoughts, but he speaks to you through many people, and you may never know it.

 

The bible tells us that this is the truth! You will never know when your under the power of Satan!

He really wants you to burn in the hell that God made for people.

Go to sleep now honey.................................................................

 

[Guest I Love Dog]

Not a holey babble story exactly , but....

 

"Now before I begin, my two little darlings, you KNOW that Mummy and I love you very, very much and you are so precious to us and we'd never do anything to hurt you, but there's something I must tell you.

 

A long, long, time ago, there was a man and woman, Adam and Eve. They did something that God thought was very naughty. So to punish them, God told them that every beautiful, precious baby born in the World from that moment on would be born wicked and nasty and horrible and they would be called "sinners".

 

Now, the only way that anyone can stop from being wicked and totally disgusting is by believing that the God who made you so nasty, really, really loves you. He loves you so much, that he'll stop you from being so awful and such a sinner if you do certain things.

 

Firstly, you must believe that he exists and you must worship him. Now this means that you must pray to him by putting your hands together and point them towards the sky. You must continually tell him how much you love him, tell him that there is no one better or more loving than he is, tell him how grateful you are that he created you and everything else in this World. Tell him that you love him even more than you love Mummy and Daddy.

 

Next, you must go to a church and join everyone else who believes in him, sing silly songs, all pray together and worship him. You must drink some pretend blood and eat some pretend bits of god's body. Most importantly of all, you must give some of your pocket money to the man who works in the church.

 

If you do this all your life, then when you die, there is a lovely reward waiting for you. You'll be taken into heaven to sit alongside god, where you can keep worshiping him for ever and ever and ever.

 

If you don't believe in god and don't worship him and don't give the man who works in the church all your pocket money for the rest of your life then god will send you to hell. This is a dreadful place, where you will writhe in agony and pain for ever and ever and ever in a vast lake of burning fire.

 

The choice is yours, heaven or hell. Worship god or not worship god.

 

I've told you this truth because I love you so much. I could have NOT told you, but that would show that I didn't love you, and we know that isn't true".

 

This is NOT a bedtime story I ever told my children, needless to say!

[Margee]

Not a holey babble story exactly , but....

"Now before I begin, my two little darlings, you KNOW that Mummy and I love you very, very much and you are so precious to us and we'd never do anything to hurt you, but there's something I must tell you.

 

A long, long, time ago, there was a man and woman, Adam and Eve. They did something that God thought was very naughty. So to punish them, God told them that every beautiful, precious baby born in the World from that moment on would be born wicked and nasty and horrible and they would be called "sinners".

 

Now, the only way that anyone can stop from being wicked and totally disgusting is by believing that the God who made you so nasty, really, really loves you. He loves you so much, that he'll stop you from being so awful and such a sinner if you do certain things.

 

Firstly, you must believe that he exists and you must worship him. Now this means that you must pray to him by putting your hands together and point them towards the sky. You must continually tell him how much you love him, tell him that there is no one better or more loving than he is, tell him how grateful you are that he created you and everything else in this World. Tell him that you love him even more than you love Mummy and Daddy.

 

Next, you must go to a church and join everyone else who believes in him, sing silly songs, all pray together and worship him. You must drink some pretend blood and eat some pretend bits of god's body. Most importantly of all, you must give some of your pocket money to the man who works in the church.

 

If you do this all your life, then when you die, there is a lovely reward waiting for you. You'll be taken into heaven to sit alongside god, where you can keep worshiping him for ever and ever and ever.

 

If you don't believe in god and don't worship him and don't give the man who works in the church all your pocket money for the rest of your life then god will send you to hell. This is a dreadful place, where you will writhe in agony and pain for ever and ever and ever in a vast lake of burning fire.

 

The choice is yours, heaven or hell. Worship god or not worship god.

 

I've told you this truth because I love you so much. I could have NOT told you, but that would show that I didn't love you, and we know that isn't true".

 

This is NOT a bedtime story I ever told my children, needless to say!

I love Dog - did you say that : Not a holy babble story, exactly, But?..............

 

I think this account comes very close to what I was taught. I think you 'nailed it!! Great story!

 

P.S. Keep them comin' and we'll publish a ' book' of horror stories from the 'Holy Babble'!

[Guest I Love Dog]

Once upon a time, long long ago, there lived a prophet(later turned into "profit" by the churches), named Jesus. Jesus traveled the land working magic. He was later executed by the authorities for his Meddling Magic and Tiresome Troublemaking.

 

One day, Jesus reached a small town, where he was approached by the villagers who begged, "Master, Master, we have a villager who is possessed by demons, please help us". They led Jesus to the man, who was obviously possessed rather badly. Jesus said "O.k. people, leave him with me for a while".

 

Within minutes Jesus worked his magic and the demons leaped out of the man and burrowed in to the villagers' 2000 pigs. The possessed pigs took off at an alarming rate, ran up a hill and when they reached the top, the edge of a cliff, they all leaped, every one of them into the sea and drowned, killing the demons along with themselves.

 

Jesus said, "There you go, guys, the demons are all gone!"

 

The villagers were in complete and utter shock. 2000 pigs was their income for the next 10 years.

 

"Master, we thought you were going to kill the one possessed, but you have killed our pigs!"

 

With that, they turned and chased the Perpetrating Prophet out of town. If Jesus hadn't been wearing his XSpeedy running sandals they'd have caught him and lynched him, thus saving the Romans a great deal of expense later on.

 

Deprived of their 2000 pigs, the villagers suffered big time. They had no pigs to trade for goat and beef meat, so many of them starved to death. Without income, they could buy no new clothes, so many of them froze to death in Winter and died of sunstroke in Summer.

 

Eventually, the whole village died out, all because of the Magical Meddler.

 

Mark 5:12-13

[pratt]

good spin to the legion story

[Margee]

Oh my god - this is hilarious!

 

Someone, PLEASE do this one for me, cause I don't really understand the book of Revelation'

 

I'd LOVE to this this in a condensed, funny version.....................................

 

Once upon a time there was a man to went to an island by himself, and saw many visions of the future............................................................

[Midnight-mindwanderings]

I'm pretty sure that Judges 19 (and then on to 20 and 21) is the worst bible story by far. And I actually did read it when i was 8 at least. maybe earlier than that: The tale of the gang rape and dismemberment, leading to murder, war kidnapping and more rape

[Overcame Faith]

Once upon a time there was a preacher by the name of John. John preached fiery sermons which made people angry. He always began his sermons like this: “Jesus can beat Mithra any time.” Well, the Mithraites didn’t like that because they were convinced that Mithra could beat Jesus. Besides, they were certain that this Jesus was just copying Mithra and, unlike Mithra, this Jesus really didn’t exist.

 

One day the Mithraites all banned together and captured John. They took John to an island off the coast of Greece called Patmos and left him there. All the Mithraites were very happy to be rid of John.

 

As John sat on Patmos all alone and with nothing to do, he saw this pretty mushroom which was sort of red on top with white spots. He thought that it would make his green salad look really good by adding a touch of red to it. So he brought some of the mushrooms home and that afternoon when he made his lunch, he broke up several of the pretty red mushrooms and sprinkled them on top of his garden salad. He found that they went particularly well with the ranch dressing he had managed to bring with him when the Mithraites left him on Patmos.

 

After John had eaten and was resting in the mid-afternoon sun, he started to feel different. He saw colors all around him. He liked the way he felt. As he was enjoying what he was feeling and seeing, John felt someone tap him on the shoulder. When John looked to his left to see who was tapping on his shoulder, he saw an angel. John was astonished to see an angel, especially one which was blue, green, and golden in color and who just sort of floated around. Within just a few seconds, the angel spoke to John.

 

“John,” began the angel, “have a little more salad and put a few extra mushrooms on it. You’re going to need it when you see what I have to show you.”

 

John did as the angel said and after he had eaten his second salad with extra mushrooms on it, the angel began to show him what was, what is, and what is yet to come.

 

John saw many wonders all mixed in wonderful colors. After a while, John saw seven seals happily swimming in the water not far from where he stood. John turned to the angel and pointed to the seven seals.

 

“Those seals are something, aren’t they?” asked John.

 

The angel just shook his head and said, “No, John. Not that kind of seal.”

 

When the angel said this, he produced a scroll which had the heads of seven of the pretty red mushrooms with the white spots on it.

 

“This kind of seal,” said the angel. “Now, take and eat.”

 

After John ate each of the seals, he saw many wondrous things. By the time he finished eating all of the seals, he had seen god, Jesus, 144,000 Mithraites trying to get him, multitudes of people dressed in white who were asking god for some of the mushrooms, earthquakes, large hail, dragons, people with tattoos of the red mushrooms with the white spots on their right hand or on their foreheads, and sex, sex, sex.

 

Of all the things he saw, John was most amazed by the giant mushrooms.. Before he saw the first giant mushroom, he saw a very bright flash, followed by wind so powerful that it knocked him down, and then a sound so loud he had to put his hands over his hears. Then he saw it. It looked like a cloud but it then formed itself into one of the mushrooms, all red on top with those nice white spots. Then he saw other mushrooms develop all around him.

 

John said to no one in particular, “I’d like to get my hands on those giant mushrooms. They’re as tall as a mountain. With just one of them I could make salads for the rest of my life.”

 

Almost immediately after John had seen the mountain-sized mushrooms, he opened his eyes. He looked around and saw that he was lying naked on the ground and was all alone. John rubbed his eyes and said,

 

“Wow, what a trip.”

 

John then got up and went off to find more of the nice red mushrooms with the white spots on them.

 

As John searched, he said to himself, "This place ain't all that bad. Maybe I'll write about it someday."

[Margee]

Once upon a time there was a preacher by the name of John. John preached fiery sermons which made people angry. He always began his sermons like this: “Jesus can beat Mithra any time.” Well, the Mithraites didn’t like that because they were convinced that Mithra could beat Jesus. Besides, they were certain that this Jesus was just copying Mithra and, unlike Mithra, this Jesus really didn’t exist.

 

One day the Mithraites all banned together and captured John. They took John to an island off the coast of Greece called Patmos and left him there. All the Mithraites were very happy to be rid of John.

 

As John sat on Patmos all alone and with nothing to do, he saw this pretty mushroom which was sort of red on top with white spots. He thought that it would make his green salad look really good by adding a touch of red to it. So he brought some of the mushrooms home and that afternoon when he made his lunch, he broke up several of the pretty red mushrooms and sprinkled them on top of his garden salad. He found that they went particularly well with the ranch dressing he had managed to bring with him when the Mithraites left him on Patmos.

 

After John had eaten and was resting in the mid-afternoon sun, he started to feel different. He saw colors all around him. He liked the way he felt. As he was enjoying what he was feeling and seeing, John felt someone tap him on the shoulder. When John looked to his left to see who was tapping on his shoulder, he saw an angel. John was astonished to see an angel, especially one which was blue, green, and golden in color and who just sort of floated around. Within just a few seconds, the angel spoke to John.

 

“John,” began the angel, “have a little more salad and put a few extra mushrooms on it. You’re going to need it when you see what I have to show you.”

 

John did as the angel said and after he had eaten his second salad with extra mushrooms on it, the angel began to show him what was, what is, and what is yet to come.

 

John saw many wonders all mixed in wonderful colors. After a while, John saw seven seals happily swimming in the water not far from where he stood. John turned to the angel and pointed to the seven seals.

 

“Those seals are something, aren’t they?” asked John.

 

The angel just shook his head and said, “No, John. Not that kind of seal.”

 

When the angel said this, he produced a scroll which had the heads of seven of the pretty red mushrooms with the white spots on it.

 

“This kind of seal,” said the angel. “Now, take and eat.”

 

After John ate each of the seals, he saw many wondrous things. By the time he finished eating all of the seals, he had seen god, Jesus, 144,000 Mithraites trying to get him, multitudes of people dressed in white who were asking god for some of the mushrooms, earthquakes, large hail, dragons, people with tattoos of the red mushrooms with the white spots on their right hand or on their foreheads, and sex, sex, sex.

 

Of all the things he saw, John was most amazed by the giant mushrooms.. Before he saw the first giant mushroom, he saw a very bright flash, followed by wind so powerful that it knocked him down, and then a sound so loud he had to put his hands over his hears. Then he saw it. It looked like a cloud but it then formed itself into one of the mushrooms, all red on top with those nice white spots. Then he saw other mushrooms develop all around him.

 

John said to no one in particular, “I’d like to get my hands on those giant mushrooms. They’re as tall as a mountain. With just one of them I could make salads for the rest of my life.”

 

Almost immediately after John had seen the mountain-sized mushrooms, he opened his eyes. He looked around and saw that he was lying naked on the ground and was all alone. John rubbed his eyes and said,

 

“Wow, what a trip.”

 

John then got up and went off to find more of the nice red mushrooms with the white spots on them.

 

As John searched, he said to himself, "This place ain't all that bad. Maybe I'll write about it someday."

 

oh my god - overcame! You are freekin' hilarious!

 

Thank you sooooooooooo much for that laugh today - I really needed that !

[MagickMonkey]

Once upon a time there was a preacher by the name of John. John preached fiery sermons which made people angry. He always began his sermons like this: “Jesus can beat Mithra any time.” Well, the Mithraites didn’t like that because they were convinced that Mithra could beat Jesus. Besides, they were certain that this Jesus was just copying Mithra and, unlike Mithra, this Jesus really didn’t exist.

 

One day the Mithraites all banned together and captured John. They took John to an island off the coast of Greece called Patmos and left him there. All the Mithraites were very happy to be rid of John.

 

As John sat on Patmos all alone and with nothing to do, he saw this pretty mushroom which was sort of red on top with white spots. He thought that it would make his green salad look really good by adding a touch of red to it. So he brought some of the mushrooms home and that afternoon when he made his lunch, he broke up several of the pretty red mushrooms and sprinkled them on top of his garden salad. He found that they went particularly well with the ranch dressing he had managed to bring with him when the Mithraites left him on Patmos.

 

After John had eaten and was resting in the mid-afternoon sun, he started to feel different. He saw colors all around him. He liked the way he felt. As he was enjoying what he was feeling and seeing, John felt someone tap him on the shoulder. When John looked to his left to see who was tapping on his shoulder, he saw an angel. John was astonished to see an angel, especially one which was blue, green, and golden in color and who just sort of floated around. Within just a few seconds, the angel spoke to John.

 

“John,” began the angel, “have a little more salad and put a few extra mushrooms on it. You’re going to need it when you see what I have to show you.”

 

John did as the angel said and after he had eaten his second salad with extra mushrooms on it, the angel began to show him what was, what is, and what is yet to come.

 

John saw many wonders all mixed in wonderful colors. After a while, John saw seven seals happily swimming in the water not far from where he stood. John turned to the angel and pointed to the seven seals.

 

“Those seals are something, aren’t they?” asked John.

 

The angel just shook his head and said, “No, John. Not that kind of seal.”

 

When the angel said this, he produced a scroll which had the heads of seven of the pretty red mushrooms with the white spots on it.

 

“This kind of seal,” said the angel. “Now, take and eat.”

 

After John ate each of the seals, he saw many wondrous things. By the time he finished eating all of the seals, he had seen god, Jesus, 144,000 Mithraites trying to get him, multitudes of people dressed in white who were asking god for some of the mushrooms, earthquakes, large hail, dragons, people with tattoos of the red mushrooms with the white spots on their right hand or on their foreheads, and sex, sex, sex.

 

Of all the things he saw, John was most amazed by the giant mushrooms.. Before he saw the first giant mushroom, he saw a very bright flash, followed by wind so powerful that it knocked him down, and then a sound so loud he had to put his hands over his hears. Then he saw it. It looked like a cloud but it then formed itself into one of the mushrooms, all red on top with those nice white spots. Then he saw other mushrooms develop all around him.

 

John said to no one in particular, “I’d like to get my hands on those giant mushrooms. They’re as tall as a mountain. With just one of them I could make salads for the rest of my life.”

 

Almost immediately after John had seen the mountain-sized mushrooms, he opened his eyes. He looked around and saw that he was lying naked on the ground and was all alone. John rubbed his eyes and said,

 

“Wow, what a trip.”

 

John then got up and went off to find more of the nice red mushrooms with the white spots on them.

 

As John searched, he said to himself, "This place ain't all that bad. Maybe I'll write about it someday."

 

+1 for your kick ass imagination.