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Goodbye Jesus

Let's Make 'bedtime Stories'!


Margee

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AAAHahahahahha! O.F. You crack me up.. :lmao:

 

Tell me the one about the daddy who sends his daughter outside to be raped by strangers all night and then murdered, (instead of his guest) and then he cuts her up into pieces and sends a piece to each tribe. What a hospitable guy!

 

Or the one about Ehud, the fat guy who gets stabbed and the fat closes in over the dagger, and then when he doesn't answer when his guards knock on the door (cuz he's dead) they start to wonder if he's going to the bathroom for a really long time and they're embarrassed. That one is so inspiring...

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Once upon a time there was a man who wouldn't go to AA for help with his drinking problem, so the good god of the bible gave specific instuctions on how to help him with his addictive personality. :drink:

 

This is what he suggested:

 

"Suppose a man has a stubborn, rebellious son who will not obey his father or mother, even though they discipline him. In such cases, the father and mother must take the son before the leaders of the town. They must declare: 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey. He is a worthless drunkard.' Then all the men of the town must stone him to death. In this way, you will cleanse this evil from among you, and all Israel will hear about it and be afraid." (Deuteronomy 21:18-21 NLT) :die:

 

The man decided that this was going to be a horrible way to die and decided to go to AA after all!

 

Short, sweet and happy ending story. :58:

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Once upon a time long, long ago, there was a man who loved writing bizarre stories. He thought long and hard about the next story he would write. He decided that the next story should have the following plot points:

 

1. There should be a man with a daughter.

 

2. There should be another man or men who are visiting near him.

 

3. This man or these men should meet the man with the daughter and the man with the daughter should invite them to stay with him.

 

4. The visiting man or men should insist that they would stay in the town square.

 

5. The man with the daughter should insist that the man or men stay with him and the visitor(s) will accept.

 

6. While the visitor(s) are staying with the man with the daughter, some wicked men should demand that the man with the daughter hand over the visitor(s) so they could have sex with him.

 

7. Rather than turn the visitors over to the wicked men, the man with the daughter should offer his daughter instead.

 

“This is an incredible story line,” said the author. “Now to add some meat and bones to the plot points."

 

So the author wrote a story using these plot points. He decided that the man with the daughter would be named Lot and that the visitors would be two angels who said they would sleep in the town square. After Lot insisted that they stay with him, they agreed. Shortly thereafter, wicked men from the nearby town came to Lot’s home and demanded the two angels be given to them so they could have sex with them. Lot, however, offered his daughter instead. The men refused to take Lot’s daughter and were about to become violent. However, the two angels blinded them as punishment.

 

After the author had written the story, he read it over many times. He wasn’t satisfied with the story because it just wasn’t bizarre enough for his liking. Besides, he thought to himself, my audience expects more pizzazz from my stories. So the author set the first story aside and started another one using the same plot points.

 

In this story, the visitor had a young and beautiful wife which he had recently had to retrieve from his father-in-law because she had run away to be with him. After staying with his father-in-law for several days, the visitor took his wife and headed home. As the man and his wife were in the town square of a small town where they had stopped to rest before they continued their journey, a man who lived nearby asked the man and his wife to stay with him. The visitor refused and said that he would sleep in the town square. After the man insisted, the visitor agreed to stay with him. When they got to the man’s house, the visitor was introduced to the man’s beautiful daughter.

 

After a little while, a group of wicked men came to the man’s home and asked the man with the daughter to give them the visitor so they could have sex with him. The man offered his daughter and the man’s wife instead. At first the wicked men refused and still wanted the male visitor.

 

When the visitor heard what was happening outside and after his host returned inside the house, the visitor sent his wife outside so they would not come after him. The wicked men beat and raped his wife repeatedly throughout the night. When the wife returned the next day all beaten and near death, the visitor loaded her onto his donkey and took her to their home. The husband was so disgusted with his wife, that even before she died, he cut her up into twelve pieces and sent the pieces of her body to his fellow countrymen. Everyone in the country was upset because this terrible thing had happened.

 

After writing this second version using the same plot points as the first story, the author shook his head.

 

“Dribble,” he said. “These stories are too far out even for me. No one will buy these stories. I guess I wasted my time writing them.”

 

Just as the author said this and was about to tear up the parchment on which he had written the stories, he heard the sound of a large herd of goats nearby. He walked to his window and saw that the goats were being tended by twelve men. This gave the author an idea to try to salvage his stories and possibly make something for his efforts.

 

The author grabbed the parchments on which he had written his stories and walked to the herdsmen.

 

“Good, sirs,” began the author, “I just wrote two stories that you might enjoy reading as you tend your goats.”

 

“Let us see them,” said the eldest herdsman whose name was Reuben.

 

Since Reuben couldn’t read, he asked one of his younger brothers named Joseph to read the stories. So Joseph read the stories out loud so all eleven of his brothers could hear them.

 

After he was through reading, all twelve brothers exclaimed at once, “Great! Wonderful!”

 

“We’ll give you two goats, one each for the two stories.”

 

The author thought about the offer and decided that if these twelve brothers were foolish enough to like these unbelievable stories, he had better take what he could get before the brothers change their minds.

 

“It’s a deal,” said the author.

 

The author began walking toward his home with his two new goats. As he was walking away, he overheard several of the brothers saying something about selling one of the brothers into slavery so they could buy two more goats to replace the two they had paid for the stories. They knew that their father, Jacob, would not be pleased with their having gotten rid of two goats.

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STOP! You're killin' me! :lmao:

 

O.F. Do u have a flip sign out in front of your office so u can toggle back and forth between "Attorney at Law" and "Attorney at Play" when you're on here? Heehee

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John is a groupie. He is one of the faithful followers of Yeshua rock band.

 

Yeshua band is a famous, travelling around the country and raising a hell of Rave parties.

 

His fans and not-so-fans called him

 

"Saviour of Rock Band"

"Son of the Guitar God"

"King of Pops"

"The Anointed one of music"

 

So one day, outside the ultimate Hall of Fame for superbands, where john is waiting to get into for the ultimate experience in the Ecstasy Heaven's Hall, he met many of his fellow groupies, James, Peter, Matthew and the gang.

 

And suddenly they saw a familiar face, Yeshua in the queue to get in too.

 

"Hey dude, what are you doing in line" John asked

 

"Just waiting in line to get into the hall, just like you guys"

 

"Oh, aren't you the King of Pops, Son of the Guitar God, Saviour and the messiah, owner of this joint?" The guys asked.

 

"Tell me, where in the magazines, publications did I ever say all these stuff, and the only place where it was published was you, John when you were tripping on the magic mushrooms, idiot"

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Once upon a time there were thousands of churches all over the world. The people did a 'poll' to find out why the statistics pointed out that there were MANY more women that went to church than men, and they did an investigation to find out why.This is what they found:

 

"No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2 NAB)

 

This is why there are so many more women in the church today! End of sad bedtime story!:lmao:

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Once upon a time there were thousands of churches all over the world. The people did a 'poll' to find out why the statistics pointed out that there were MANY more women that went to church than men, and they did an investigation to find out why.This is what they found:

 

"No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2 NAB)

 

This is why there are so many more women in the church today! End of sad bedtime story!:lmao:

 

So does that mean or at least imply that if a man looses his junk, accidentally or otherwise, he goes to hell for it?

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Guest I Love Dog

Once upon a time, David, the youngest son of Jesse, was sent to the battle lines by his father to bring back news of his brothers. David was probably just a young teenager at the time, and took his girl friend with him. While there, David heard Goliath shouting his daily defiance and he saw the great fear stirred within the men of Israel. David responded, "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of God?"

 

So David volunteered to fight Goliath. It took some persuasion, but King Saul finally agreed to let David fight against the giant. Dressed in his simple tunic, carrying his shepherd's staff, slingshot and a pouch full of stones, David approached Goliath. The giant cursed at him, hurling threats and insults.

 

David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied ... today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air ... and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel ... it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

 

As Goliath moved in for the kill, David reached into his bag and pulled out a stone. He put the stone into his slingshot and twirled it around his head but Holy Shit, it broke! Uh, oh! What to do now?

 

Quick as a flash, David turned to his girlfriend who was standing next to him, ran his hands up her skirt and deftly pulled down her G-String panties.

 

Another stone out of his pouch, into his girlfriend's G-string, a few twirls around his head, the stone sank into the giant's forehead and he fell face down on the ground. David then took Goliath's sword, killed him and then cut off his head. When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran. So the Israelites pursued, chasing and killing them and plundering their camp.

 

Thank Heaven for women, especially those who wear G-string panties.

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An alternative version of David and Goliath to the one above.

 

Once upon a time there was this young man named David. David was a shepherd. Now watching the sheep was pretty dull so to while the time away he practiced with his sling. He got really good at it and even managed to kill a lion and bear with it who tried to eat his sheep.

 

About this time there was a giant of a man named Goliath who was an enemy of David's people. He scared the crap out of the King and his soldiers. No one wanted to fight this giant man. David volunteered to fight the giant since he had a belt buckle that said Gott Mit Uns on it. That means it said "God is with us", just like the Germans would wear in WW2.

 

Anyway, the day came for the two to fight and Goliath taunted the Jews about their fighting ability. David strode out to confront Goliath. Goliath thought he would make short work of the young David. But David took aim and sent his sling stone into the giant man's skull, shattering bone and spraying blood everywhere. He then took a sword and cut the fallen man's head off as a boastful and disgusting war trophy. It was said David was heard taunting the dead man, "Only a fool brings a sword to a sling fight...." Clearly the God belt buckle didn't matter much when David had already managed to kill a bear and a lion, both quicker and tougher targets than a lumbering man. The end.

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I can't say it enough - you guys are freekin' hilarious!:lmao:

 

I need this laughter!

 

It really does help with deconverting!

 

What great 'story tellers' you are!

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Around the time that Samson was born the people of God who were called the children of Israel lived in the land that God had promised to Abraham hundreds of years earlier. Israel was also known as Jacob who was the grandson of Abraham and Sarah. The twelve sons of Jacob or Israel and their descendants were called the children of Israel. The land that God had promised to Abraham and to his descendants was known as the land of Canaan, or the promised land.

 

Samson's mother and father were married for many years, but they had never had any children. They prayed for a long time to have a child. One day an angel of the Lord appeared to them and told them that they soon would have a son. "This son is to be reared to be totally dedicated to God. He is also to be reared under a Nazarite vow. He will do great deeds for your country in service to God."

 

To be reared under a Nazarite vow meant that he never was to cut his hair, never to eat raisins or grapes, not to drink wine and never to touch a dead body. He was to live his whole life totally dedicated to service and to the will of God.

 

Samson grew to manhood with the strength of several men. He won great battles single-handedly against the people known as the Philistines.

 

Samson was very strong and fought many battles against the Philistines. He was proud of his great power in battle against the Philistines. The Philistines hated Samson because of the damage he caused to their cities and fields. At one time he removed the gigantic gates of the city and carried them away on his shoulders after ripping it off its hinges all by himself. Samson set their fields afire and ruined their crops. In one battle he slew 1000 of the Philistines all by himself using for a weapon the jawbone of a donkey that he found on the ground nearby. After this great victory he became very thirsty and prayed to God, "I have won a great victory for you and now I am about to die of thirst. There is no water near here."

 

The LORD God answered Samson's prayer by splitting open the ground next to him at the place called Lehi. A spring of cool, clear water started flowing from that split in the ground. This spring was a source of water for hundreds of years afterwards for thirsty travelers

 

The Bible records that Samson broke all of his Nazarite vows. He drank wine, he ate grapes, he touched a dead body and he did not dedicate himself totally to the Lord God. When he touched a dead body he found honey in the dead body of a lion. He scooped out the honey and ate some of it then took the rest of the honey to his parents without telling them where he had gotten it.

 

Samson's great weakness was beautiful women. Samson fell in love with a beautiful Philistine woman named Delilah. Night after night he visited her residence to spend hours with her. He thought that he was hopelessly in love with her because of her great beauty and charm.

 

Delilah had been promised a great sum of money from the Philistines if she could discover the secret of his increduible strength. Every day Delilah teased and begged Samson to tell her the secret of his tremendous strength. To get her to stop begging him on several different occasions he told her false things that would destroy his strength He told her, "If you tie me with seven bowstrings I will lose my power."

 

While Samson was sleeping she tied him with seven bowstrings and shouted, "Samson! Wake up! The Philistines are upon you!"

 

Samson awoke, shook himself free of the bowstrings and fought the Philistines. He overcame them with his great strength.

 

Delilah cried and begged again, "Samson, you do not love me. If you loved me you would tell me the secret of your strength."

 

Again Samson told her another lie, "If you bind me with seven brand new ropes I shall lose my strength."

 

Delilah bound him with seven new ropes and shouted, "Samson, wake up! The Philistines are upon you."

 

Samson awoke and shook himself. The ropes fell off and he fought off the Philistines. He beat them all.

 

This time Delilah cried for days, saying, "You don't love me. You won't tell me your secret."

 

Samson then told her that if she wove the seven locks of his hair with a loom he would lose his strength. This time, in mentioning his hair, Samson was getting too close to telling the secret that God did not want him to tell.

 

Delilah wove his seven locks of hair with a loom. She shook him and shouted again, "Samson awake! The Philistines are upon you!"

 

As we can guess, Samson shook off the loom and fought against the Philistines, beating them again.

 

After all of these times that Delilah had committed wrongs against him we should think that Samson would guess that Delilah was not his true friend. Nevertheless Samson kept coming to her home. Delilah was exasperated with Samson. He had lied and lied to her. She wanted that money that the Philistines had promised her. She cried and cried, begged and pleaded for him to tell her his secret. Finally Samson caved in just to have peace. "If you cut off all of my hair I shall be as weak as any other man."

 

When Samson slept with his head in Delilah's lap she beckoned the men to shave off his hair. Once again she shook him and shouted, Samson! Wake up! The Philistines are upon you.!"

 

Samson shook himself to fight the Philistines, but his hair was gone. His strength was gone. The Philistine soldiers jumped upon Samson and beat him badly. Samson was overcome. Delilah, in the name of love, had betrayed him completely.

 

Delilah went off chuckling to herself. Another victory, another 20 pounds of hair to take home to her wig factory! When will these stupid guys ever learn that all she wanted was free hair?

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'Jonah and the Whale'

 

I could NOT tell this bedtime story better than this Baptist minister. Check out his demonstrations!:lmao:you gotta' see this!

 

Once upon a time there was a man named 'Jonah'............................................

 

#!
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Around the time that Samson was born the people of God who were called the children of Israel lived in the land that God had promised to Abraham hundreds of years earlier. Israel was also known as Jacob who was the grandson of Abraham and Sarah. The twelve sons of Jacob or Israel and their descendants were called the children of Israel. The land that God had promised to Abraham and to his descendants was known as the land of Canaan, or the promised land.

 

Samson's mother and father were married for many years, but they had never had any children. They prayed for a long time to have a child. One day an angel of the Lord appeared to them and told them that they soon would have a son. "This son is to be reared to be totally dedicated to God. He is also to be reared under a Nazarite vow. He will do great deeds for your country in service to God."

 

To be reared under a Nazarite vow meant that he never was to cut his hair, never to eat raisins or grapes, not to drink wine and never to touch a dead body. He was to live his whole life totally dedicated to service and to the will of God.

 

Samson grew to manhood with the strength of several men. He won great battles single-handedly against the people known as the Philistines.

 

Samson was very strong and fought many battles against the Philistines. He was proud of his great power in battle against the Philistines. The Philistines hated Samson because of the damage he caused to their cities and fields. At one time he removed the gigantic gates of the city and carried them away on his shoulders after ripping it off its hinges all by himself. Samson set their fields afire and ruined their crops. In one battle he slew 1000 of the Philistines all by himself using for a weapon the jawbone of a donkey that he found on the ground nearby. After this great victory he became very thirsty and prayed to God, "I have won a great victory for you and now I am about to die of thirst. There is no water near here."

 

The LORD God answered Samson's prayer by splitting open the ground next to him at the place called Lehi. A spring of cool, clear water started flowing from that split in the ground. This spring was a source of water for hundreds of years afterwards for thirsty travelers

 

The Bible records that Samson broke all of his Nazarite vows. He drank wine, he ate grapes, he touched a dead body and he did not dedicate himself totally to the Lord God. When he touched a dead body he found honey in the dead body of a lion. He scooped out the honey and ate some of it then took the rest of the honey to his parents without telling them where he had gotten it.

 

Samson's great weakness was beautiful women. Samson fell in love with a beautiful Philistine woman named Delilah. Night after night he visited her residence to spend hours with her. He thought that he was hopelessly in love with her because of her great beauty and charm.

 

Delilah had been promised a great sum of money from the Philistines if she could discover the secret of his increduible strength. Every day Delilah teased and begged Samson to tell her the secret of his tremendous strength. To get her to stop begging him on several different occasions he told her false things that would destroy his strength He told her, "If you tie me with seven bowstrings I will lose my power."

 

While Samson was sleeping she tied him with seven bowstrings and shouted, "Samson! Wake up! The Philistines are upon you!"

 

Samson awoke, shook himself free of the bowstrings and fought the Philistines. He overcame them with his great strength.

 

Delilah cried and begged again, "Samson, you do not love me. If you loved me you would tell me the secret of your strength."

 

Again Samson told her another lie, "If you bind me with seven brand new ropes I shall lose my strength."

 

Delilah bound him with seven new ropes and shouted, "Samson, wake up! The Philistines are upon you."

 

Samson awoke and shook himself. The ropes fell off and he fought off the Philistines. He beat them all.

 

This time Delilah cried for days, saying, "You don't love me. You won't tell me your secret."

 

Samson then told her that if she wove the seven locks of his hair with a loom he would lose his strength. This time, in mentioning his hair, Samson was getting too close to telling the secret that God did not want him to tell.

 

Delilah wove his seven locks of hair with a loom. She shook him and shouted again, "Samson awake! The Philistines are upon you!"

 

As we can guess, Samson shook off the loom and fought against the Philistines, beating them again.

 

After all of these times that Delilah had committed wrongs against him we should think that Samson would guess that Delilah was not his true friend. Nevertheless Samson kept coming to her home. Delilah was exasperated with Samson. He had lied and lied to her. She wanted that money that the Philistines had promised her. She cried and cried, begged and pleaded for him to tell her his secret. Finally Samson caved in just to have peace. "If you cut off all of my hair I shall be as weak as any other man."

 

When Samson slept with his head in Delilah's lap she beckoned the men to shave off his hair. Once again she shook him and shouted, Samson! Wake up! The Philistines are upon you.!"

 

Samson shook himself to fight the Philistines, but his hair was gone. His strength was gone. The Philistine soldiers jumped upon Samson and beat him badly. Samson was overcome. Delilah, in the name of love, had betrayed him completely.

 

Delilah went off chuckling to herself. Another victory, another 20 pounds of hair to take home to her wig factory! When will these stupid guys ever learn that all she wanted was free hair?

 

Nothing like pussy to flip the stupid switch in a guys head. BTW, I though she threw away all his cans of spinach.

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Once upon a time, there was a species of fish which were ever so large. They were larger, even, than whales. However, the species had an evolutionary disadvantage which ultimately resulted in the extinction of the species. Their disadvantage was that they swallowed their prey live since they had no teeth and, most importantly, their digestive tracts were not activated for three whole days after they swallowed their live prey. Most unfortunately for the species, if the prey survived within their stomachs and irritated the stomach lining enough by moving around and hitting the inside of the stomach, the fish would vomit it’s prey back up, thus allowing the prey to escape.

 

A man named Jonah was the last known human who came in contact with this now extinct species of fish and the encounter is recorded in the bible.

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Once upon a time, there was a species of fish which were ever so large. They were larger, even, than whales. However, the species had an evolutionary disadvantage which ultimately resulted in the extinction of the species. Their disadvantage was that they swallowed their prey live since they had no teeth and, most importantly, their digestive tracts were not activated for three whole days after they swallowed their live prey. Most unfortunately for the species, if the prey survived within their stomachs and irritated the stomach lining enough by moving around and hitting the inside of the stomach, the fish would vomit it’s prey back up, thus allowing the prey to escape.

 

A man named Jonah was the last known human who came in contact with this now extinct species of fish and the encounter is recorded in the bible.

 

 

overcame - I am soooooooo breaking up laughing right now!

 

I wish you could see me sitting here at this computer in hysterics all by mysef! You are sooooooooo sarcastic - and I LOVE IT! :lmao:

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They Call Me the Fireman (cause dad said so)

 

There came a knock at my door. I opened it to find a mid-eastern man on my porch.

 

"Good day" he said, "I've got great news for you."

"Do tell" I said, "I could use some good news."

 

"I am the world's greatest fireman, and I'm here to save you from certain death."

"Ok, I'm intrigued" I said, "Tell me about this deal.'

"Simple" he says, "you just pay me and dad weekly, help out at the firehouse, tell everyone you know about the great fireman, and in exchange I'll keep you safe from the fire."

 

"Alright, just for the sake of discussion, what if I never have a fire?"

"Oh you will" he said solemnly, "everyone is going to have a fire. Dad is going to burn everything."

"Now why would your dad do that?" I inquired.

"Here's the scoop. Dad owns everything and runs everything. When the first house was built here, dad told them to build any style they chose, but no porch. Absolutely forbidden."

"Why no porches?" I was beginning to distrust this guy.

 

"I told you, he owns everything and runs everything. He said no porch and that was that. But the people built a porch anyway, and dad decided then and there to burn every house in this place."

"That's horrible!" I said, "why not just tear it down or get new tenants or teach them a lesson about porches and go on? Why burn everyone?"

"Dad owns..."

"I know, I know, everything. Your dad does some odd things though."

"Dad works in mysterious ways. Anyways, it's not all bad. If you just do as I said I'll keep your house safe."

 

I'm starting to get a little suspicious at this point, so I say "you don't seem to have any fire equipment."

"Again, simple" he said, "if you believe I'll put out the fire, I will. Small fires, trash fires, just believe I'll take care of it and I will, even though you'll never see or hear me."

 

"Ok, how do I get in touch with you?" I'm really starting to doubt this guy now.

"Easy. Just think 'I'm in trouble and I need you and bam!' I'm there. If you believe I'm helping, then by dad, I'm helping. It's all in this book 'the official book by dad'."

"Again, I'm having a little trouble understanding. How do I know this book is an official anything?"

"You're a little slow aren't you?" he says. "It clearly states in the first page ' this is dad's official book'. Couldn't be any plainer."

 

"Ok, let me see if I understand you" I said, "if I pay your dad and do everything he says, you're going to save me from a fire that your dad's going to start because somebody pissed him off long ago, with magic I can't see and no communication other than thinking in your direction?"

 

"Exactly!" he exclaims, "I'm so glad you get it."

 

I shut the door and went to bed. Goodnight.

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The Manger

 

Once upon a time there was a Roman governor whose name was Quirinius. Quirinius saw that he was not meeting his tax collection obligations imposed by Rome and the Emperor had threatened to remove him from office if he didn’t meet quota. Concerned for his job, the governor sent a messenger to the eastern part of his country to summon his three wisest advisors to come and advise him.

 

After a month’s time, the three wise men stood before the governor. To get in the good graces of the governor, they each presented him with a gift since the winter solstice holiday was taking place at that very time.

 

After thanking the three wise men, the governor told them of his problem.

 

“Gentlemen, the treasury is running low and I need your advice on what to do about it.”

 

The eldest wise man, whose name in Latin was Perspicuus Astrum, said, “Mr. Governor, I suggest that you have a census in which you count all the people in the country. That way we will know where each person lives, how much they own, and from that we will be in a far superior position to extract the taxes from the people.”

 

“Brilliant,” said the governor. “Your name is most appropriate. We will definitely follow what you say. Now, I want the three of you to get together and come back with the details of how we should accomplish this census.”

 

The three wise men got together and began talking over how best to carry out the census. As they thought about it, they realized that there might be a sticky political issue with the figure head King of the country, Herod. So they decided to speak with Herod to try to get him onboard with the idea of a census.

 

The three wise men mounted their camels and traveled west to King Herod’s palace. When they arrived, they were greeted by the King’s Royal Assistant.

 

The three wise men bowed deeply to the Assistant and Perspicuus Astrum said, “My name is Perspicuus Astrum. We have traveled from the east to see the one who was born King of the Jews.”

 

“That would be Herod,” said the King’s Royal Assistant. “Which of you is the leader?”

 

“Perspicuus Astrum is our leader,” said one of the wise men, pointing to their leader. “We followed him because he is our heavenly light and guided us this great distance.”

 

Trying to suppress his laughter, the King’s Royal Assistant said, “Very well, wait here until I return.”

 

When the King’s Royal Assistant had left the three wise men alone, Perspicuus Astrum looked at the wise man that had referred to him as a heavenly light and said, “Will you never quit making fun of my name? Don’t you think I’ve heard all the jokes before? You’re not original at all. Please stop it.”

 

The other two wise men laughed because they knew it bothered Perspicuus Astrum to be teased about his name and they thought it was great fun to do so.

 

When the King’s Royal Assistant returned, he motioned for the three wise men to follow him. The King’s Royal Assistant took them to the Palace Chamber where King Herod sat on his throne.

 

The three wise men bowed low and as they did, King Herod laughed and asked, “Which of you is the Bright Star?”

 

Perspicuus Astrum’s face immediately turned red and he stood and said, “That would be me, your highness.”

 

“Well, where are the heavenly hosts singing Glory to God in the Highest and Peace on Earth and all that rubbish?” asked the King as he continued his belly laugh.

 

“Uhm, your highness,” began the embarrassed Perspicuus Astrum, “we are here doing business for the governor. The governor would like to take a census and we are here to consult you on how best to accomplish the task. What makes sense to us is that we send census takers to every household all over the country to get names, amount of property, and the quantity of such valuable items as gold, frankincense, and myrrh the locals own.”

 

“Yes, I see. Leave me for now while I consult with my assistant.”

 

The three wise men bowed again and exited the King’s chamber.

 

“What do you think would be the best thing to do?” King Herod asked his assistant.

 

“Oh, wise King, if we make it easy for the Romans, they will take the entire treasury for themselves and will leave nothing for us. I say we do our best to thwart their efforts so their census fails.”

 

“And, how would you propose doing that?”

 

“Like this,” began the King’s Assistant.

 

When the King’s Assistant had finished, the King summoned the three wise men back into his chamber.

 

“Good men, I have reached a decision on how you should proceed. You should require that all families throughout the entire country return to the places of their birth and then do your census in the towns thereafter.”

 

“But, your Highness,” began Perspicuus Astrum when he was abruptly cut off by the King.

 

“I have spoken.”

 

And with a waive of his hand, the three wise men were dismissed.

 

As the three wise men were returning to face the Governor, they discussed among themselves how they would explain that King Herod expected the Governor to do something as stupid as ordering the entire population to return to their places of birth like so many salmon. They knew that such a plan would never work and that they would be in real trouble.

 

When they got to a small town called Nazareth, they decided to stop and have a drink so they could get their troubles off their minds if only for a little while. They hitched their camels in front of a bar called, “The Manger” and went inside. They sat at the bar and each ordered a double Scotch on the rocks.

 

As they were drinking their drinks, Perspicuus Astrum noticed a man sitting beside him. The man had obviously had a number of drinks and really seemed down.

 

“Can I buy you a drink?” asked Perspicuus Astrum.

 

“Sure, why not.”

 

After the bartender brought the man his vodka martini, Perspicuus Astrum asked, “What’s your name?”

 

“I’m Joseph, a carpenter originally from a small town called Bethlehem. I hate life.”

 

“Oh, yeah?” asked Perspicuus Astrum who thought that it might be good to hear someone else’s problems so he could get his own problems off his mind.

 

“Why don’t you tell me about what’s bothering you?”

 

“My fiancée is pregnant,” said Joseph.

 

“Oh, that’s not so bad. It happens all the time. Just marry her and be done with it.”

 

“But it’s not my child.”

 

“Then dump her. What’s the big deal.”

 

“The big deal is that I’m 42 and never been married. There are no other women willing to marry me because of my age. It’s her or no one.”

 

“So marry her.”

 

“Yeah, but if I marry a woman pregnant by another man, I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole town.”

 

“So tell them it’s your child.”

 

“I can’t because just yesterday before she told me she was pregnant, I was bragging how I had not yet touched my fiancée in that way. If I tell them the child is mine, then I will be branded a liar and will be subject to stoning because I said it as an oath.”

 

“Oh, my. You do have a delimma. Let me think about this. Maybe I can come up with something.”

 

After a few minutes, Perspicuus Astrum said, “I think I have just the plan to help you. As soon as we get back to Governor Quirinius, the Governor is going to order that a census be taken. Part of the order will require that each family return to the place of their birth. That will mean that you and your fiancée will have to go to Bethlehem.

 

“Now I assume you’re familiar with the Hebrew Scriptures. Well, there’s a verse in them that says that the Messiah will be born in the City of David. And that city is Bethlehem. So why don’t you get your fiancée to go along with something. Get her to say that she was made pregnant by God and that she had never been with a man. I think the timing will be just about right that you will be in Bethlehem when the child is born. With your fiancée giving birth in Bethlehem, you will be able to proclaim that the child is the messiah and that God, Himself, orchestrated the census to ensure you were in Bethlehem so the prophecies could be fulfilled.”

 

Joseph, smiled as he had never smiled before. He hugged Perspicuus Astrum and said, “Thank-you, sir. You have given my fiancée, our child and me the greatest of gifts. I shall do as you suggest.”

 

Joseph happily ran out of the bar.

 

After they finished their drinks and were continuing their journey, the other two wise men asked Perspicuus Astrum what he had said to the man sitting beside him that made him so happy.

 

After he told them the story, they all laughed so hard they almost fell off their camels.

 

“And he said he was going to try that?” asked one of the three wise men.

 

“Yes. Can you believe how gullible people can be?”

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The Manger

 

Once upon a time there was a Roman governor whose name was Quirinius. Quirinius saw that he was not meeting his tax collection obligations imposed by Rome and the Emperor had threatened to remove him from office if he didn’t meet quota. Concerned for his job, the governor sent a messenger to the eastern part of his country to summon his three wisest advisors to come and advise him.

 

After a month’s time, the three wise men stood before the governor. To get in the good graces of the governor, they each presented him with a gift since the winter solstice holiday was taking place at that very time.

 

After thanking the three wise men, the governor told them of his problem.

 

“Gentlemen, the treasury is running low and I need your advice on what to do about it.”

 

The eldest wise man, whose name in Latin was Perspicuus Astrum, said, “Mr. Governor, I suggest that you have a census in which you count all the people in the country. That way we will know where each person lives, how much they own, and from that we will be in a far superior position to extract the taxes from the people.”

 

“Brilliant,” said the governor. “Your name is most appropriate. We will definitely follow what you say. Now, I want the three of you to get together and come back with the details of how we should accomplish this census.”

 

The three wise men got together and began talking over how best to carry out the census. As they thought about it, they realized that there might be a sticky political issue with the figure head King of the country, Herod. So they decided to speak with Herod to try to get him onboard with the idea of a census.

 

The three wise men mounted their camels and traveled west to King Herod’s palace. When they arrived, they were greeted by the King’s Royal Assistant.

 

The three wise men bowed deeply to the Assistant and Perspicuus Astrum said, “My name is Perspicuus Astrum. We have traveled from the east to see the one who was born King of the Jews.”

 

“That would be Herod,” said the King’s Royal Assistant. “Which of you is the leader?”

 

“Perspicuus Astrum is our leader,” said one of the wise men, pointing to their leader. “We followed him because he is our heavenly light and guided us this great distance.”

 

Trying to suppress his laughter, the King’s Royal Assistant said, “Very well, wait here until I return.”

 

When the King’s Royal Assistant had left the three wise men alone, Perspicuus Astrum looked at the wise man that had referred to him as a heavenly light and said, “Will you never quit making fun of my name? Don’t you think I’ve heard all the jokes before? You’re not original at all. Please stop it.”

 

The other two wise men laughed because they knew it bothered Perspicuus Astrum to be teased about his name and they thought it was great fun to do so.

 

When the King’s Royal Assistant returned, he motioned for the three wise men to follow him. The King’s Royal Assistant took them to the Palace Chamber where King Herod sat on his throne.

 

The three wise men bowed low and as they did, King Herod laughed and asked, “Which of you is the Bright Star?”

 

Perspicuus Astrum’s face immediately turned red and he stood and said, “That would be me, your highness.”

 

“Well, where are the heavenly hosts singing Glory to God in the Highest and Peace on Earth and all that rubbish?” asked the King as he continued his belly laugh.

 

“Uhm, your highness,” began the embarrassed Perspicuus Astrum, “we are here doing business for the governor. The governor would like to take a census and we are here to consult you on how best to accomplish the task. What makes sense to us is that we send census takers to every household all over the country to get names, amount of property, and the quantity of such valuable items as gold, frankincense, and myrrh the locals own.”

 

“Yes, I see. Leave me for now while I consult with my assistant.”

 

The three wise men bowed again and exited the King’s chamber.

 

“What do you think would be the best thing to do?” King Herod asked his assistant.

 

“Oh, wise King, if we make it easy for the Romans, they will take the entire treasury for themselves and will leave nothing for us. I say we do our best to thwart their efforts so their census fails.”

 

“And, how would you propose doing that?”

 

“Like this,” began the King’s Assistant.

 

When the King’s Assistant had finished, the King summoned the three wise men back into his chamber.

 

“Good men, I have reached a decision on how you should proceed. You should require that all families throughout the entire country return to the places of their birth and then do your census in the towns thereafter.”

 

“But, your Highness,” began Perspicuus Astrum when he was abruptly cut off by the King.

 

“I have spoken.”

 

And with a waive of his hand, the three wise men were dismissed.

 

As the three wise men were returning to face the Governor, they discussed among themselves how they would explain that King Herod expected the Governor to do something as stupid as ordering the entire population to return to their places of birth like so many salmon. They knew that such a plan would never work and that they would be in real trouble.

 

When they got to a small town called Nazareth, they decided to stop and have a drink so they could get their troubles off their minds if only for a little while. They hitched their camels in front of a bar called, “The Manger” and went inside. They sat at the bar and each ordered a double Scotch on the rocks.

 

As they were drinking their drinks, Perspicuus Astrum noticed a man sitting beside him. The man had obviously had a number of drinks and really seemed down.

 

“Can I buy you a drink?” asked Perspicuus Astrum.

 

“Sure, why not.”

 

After the bartender brought the man his vodka martini, Perspicuus Astrum asked, “What’s your name?”

 

“I’m Joseph, a carpenter originally from a small town called Bethlehem. I hate life.”

 

“Oh, yeah?” asked Perspicuus Astrum who thought that it might be good to hear someone else’s problems so he could get his own problems off his mind.

 

“Why don’t you tell me about what’s bothering you?”

 

“My fiancée is pregnant,” said Joseph.

 

“Oh, that’s not so bad. It happens all the time. Just marry her and be done with it.”

 

“But it’s not my child.”

 

“Then dump her. What’s the big deal.”

 

“The big deal is that I’m 42 and never been married. There are no other women willing to marry me because of my age. It’s her or no one.”

 

“So marry her.”

 

“Yeah, but if I marry a woman pregnant by another man, I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole town.”

 

“So tell them it’s your child.”

 

“I can’t because just yesterday before she told me she was pregnant, I was bragging how I had not yet touched my fiancée in that way. If I tell them the child is mine, then I will be branded a liar and will be subject to stoning because I said it as an oath.”

 

“Oh, my. You do have a delimma. Let me think about this. Maybe I can come up with something.”

 

After a few minutes, Perspicuus Astrum said, “I think I have just the plan to help you. As soon as we get back to Governor Quirinius, the Governor is going to order that a census be taken. Part of the order will require that each family return to the place of their birth. That will mean that you and your fiancée will have to go to Bethlehem.

 

“Now I assume you’re familiar with the Hebrew Scriptures. Well, there’s a verse in them that says that the Messiah will be born in the City of David. And that city is Bethlehem. So why don’t you get your fiancée to go along with something. Get her to say that she was made pregnant by God and that she had never been with a man. I think the timing will be just about right that you will be in Bethlehem when the child is born. With your fiancée giving birth in Bethlehem, you will be able to proclaim that the child is the messiah and that God, Himself, orchestrated the census to ensure you were in Bethlehem so the prophecies could be fulfilled.”

 

Joseph, smiled as he had never smiled before. He hugged Perspicuus Astrum and said, “Thank-you, sir. You have given my fiancée, our child and me the greatest of gifts. I shall do as you suggest.”

 

Joseph happily ran out of the bar.

 

After they finished their drinks and were continuing their journey, the other two wise men asked Perspicuus Astrum what he had said to the man sitting beside him that made him so happy.

 

After he told them the story, they all laughed so hard they almost fell off their camels.

 

“And he said he was going to try that?” asked one of the three wise men.

 

“Yes. Can you believe how gullible people can be?”

 

Wow, you have a great imagination.

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Once upon a time ....there was a talking donkey. His owner, Balaam started on a journey to see the king Balak, but the donkey was not in a hurry. He just wanted to take his time and see the sights.''Come on -you stupid, ass-ed donkey! They are living us behind! Can't you move a little faster?"

 

But they had not gone very far, when................ the donkey stopped.

 

"Hey! What are you doing?"

 

The donkey had seen the Angel of the Lord standing in the way! The donkey could not believe his eyes! :eek:

But Balaam could not see the Angel! He was very upset, because the donkey crushed his foot against the wall when he fainted, because of seeing this angel.

 

Then to his astonishment, Balaam heard a voice that nobody had ever heard before or since!

 

The Lord opened the mouth of the donkey and the donkey spoke!"What I have done unto thee that though has 'kicked my ass' three times?"

"Because you behaved badly. If I had a sword in my hand, I'd kill you right now.":battle:

"Kill me? But why? Am I not your favorite talking donkey upon which you have ridden ever since you were a young boy? Have I ever done you any wrong before?"

 

Suddenly the Lord opened Balaam's eyes in the Spirit, and he could see what his poor donkey has seen all the time - An angel of the lord.

He really apologized to his donkey and asked for forgiveness for wanting to kill him. The donkey told him to go f---k himself, and they rode off happily ever after.

donkey-irishman.jpg

(Bible: Numbers 22:28-30)

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Once upon a time.......................

 

there was a man who lived in a far off land of milk and honey. The only thing that really disturbed him about his life, was that he was really embarrassed to stoop in the big field and let all his family and friends watch him when he was doing 'number 2'. Other than that - life was good. His family was doing fine, the crops were growing great and the air was so clean. He decided to build the very first outhouse known in history. He wanted it to be outstanding so the neighbours next door would be envious.He started to dig a hole about 6 feet deep and he surrounded it with a small shelter of wood, laced with twigs and pretty flowers inside and outside.. Now, for the year of 345 BC - this was pretty cool; 'A--frame' was just new back then. He finished the whole thing by placing a giant, carved out coconut shell over the 6 foot hole to make it more comfortable.. it was all good. Everybody rejoiced!

Soon, the Lord would ruin it all! A displeased voice from the heavens, spoke to him and It said: :nono:

''Each day prepare your bread as you would barley cakes. While all the people are watching, bake it over a fire using dried human dung as fuel and then eat the bread. For this is what the LORD says: Israel will eat defiled bread in the Gentile lands, where I will banish them!"

 

Then he said, "O Sovereign LORD, must I be defiled by using human dung? I just built that outhouse! I have never been defiled before. From the time I was a child until now I have never eaten any animal that died of sickness or that I found dead. And I have never eaten any of the animals that our laws forbid." Please don't make me save my number 2 for fuel''. The fumes will really stink up the clean, fresh air!

 

"All right," the LORD said. "You may bake your bread with cow dung instead of human dung." (Ezekiel 4:12-15 NLT)

 

This made him so happy that the lord had 'let him off the hook'. He started to pile the cow's 'number 2' around the side of his home to be used as fuel, and we went happily back to using his new outhouse! Happy Ending! :58:

 

Web%20outhouse.jpg

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Alright, boys, once upon a time, there was a girl named Tamar. She had an arranged marriage, which means the families told the children who they were going to be married to. First, Tamar was married to a man named Er. He was so wicked that God killed him. So Tamar's father-in-law forced her to get married to Er's brother whose name was Onan. However, there was a law in those times about inheritance. Onan's first born son would not be considered Onan's son - he would be considered Er's son. This made Onan very unhappy as he wanted to have a child that he could call his own. He enjoyed boinking Tamar, so he invented coitus interruptus or the withdrawal method. This made God very mad, so He killed Onan also. So boys, this is evidence that God hates masturbation, and it is within his right to kill you if you engage in this evil practice. So be careful what you think about tonight - Mwahahahaahhaha!!! (Genesis 38: 6-10)

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Alright, boys, once upon a time, there was a girl named Tamar. She had an arranged marriage, which means the families told the children who they were going to be married to. First, Tamar was married to a man named Er. He was so wicked that God killed him. So Tamar's father-in-law forced her to get married to Er's brother whose name was Onan. However, there was a law in those times about inheritance. Onan's first born son would not be considered Onan's son - he would be considered Er's son. This made Onan very unhappy as he wanted to have a child that he could call his own. He enjoyed boinking Tamar, so he invented coitus interruptus or the withdrawal method. This made God very mad, so He killed Onan also. So boys, this is evidence that God hates masturbation, and it is within his right to kill you if you engage in this evil practice. So be careful what you think about tonight - Mwahahahaahhaha!!! (Genesis 38: 6-10)

 

Eugene - you need a picture to go along with that great story!!

 

Holy Hands!

 

gods-hands.jpg

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Just came across these. Really 'Messed up' funny Bible Stories to watch! Makes it all seem ridiculous!

http://www.youtube.c...886D8914D5FA08F

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