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Goodbye Jesus

You Must Be So Unhappy


SirPhoenix

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This has probably been addressed before, but I don't recall seeing any recent threads on it since joining a few months back.

 

In my case, it's my mom, but in general, is seems that many of us have a person or persons in our life that think that we are in emotional turmoil because we have left christianity. I think for most of us, the turmoil actually started to end the moment we first admitted to ourselves that we might not believe. De-conversion is a process, and while there is grieving involved, I was still happier than I had been during it. For me it was like being handed a 50 lb. weight to carry versus the 100 lb. weight I had been carrying. There was an initial relief that I no longer had to deal with the burden of christianity, but then I got the grief burden. Still, it was a lot easier, and I realized that it would only get lighter.

 

My mom thinks I'm "struggling". I suppose that's what a christian is bound to think, especially if they don't think it's possible for a true christian to leave. She no doubt thinks satan has me all confused.

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I don't have any family admitting to me that they believe I'm struggling or unhappy. Well, make that one....a sister-in-law said I was angry. That's close enough. As for the "struggle", yes I did have it as I was deconverting. But that just shows how hard it can be to come to terms with a new view. A real view. And that's typical as one breaks out of the comforts of myth into reality. But once that reality is embraced, it can be very liberating. But, as you said, most Christians won't accept this. The only happiness is their happiness...all others are the spawn of Satan (if that last part even made any sense!).

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SirPhoenix - this has definitely been part of the whole struggle I am in. I have blamed everything on everything in the past 30 years of my life - when really, a whole lot had to do with the first night I accepted Jesus as my savior. (I started asking really big questions, even that night on the way home) Now I have been 'blaming' my age - my 'mid-life crises. I actually feel that I wouldn't have made some of the mistakes that I did in my life if I had not gone done to that alter that night!

 

........and all through it - I always have received the same response from all kinds of people - ''Just trust the lord' and 'Satan wants you to be miserable''.

 

I actually have been angry at 'the lord' for 30 years for allowing satan to make me miserable!!.

 

It's not my mom - she is gone now. For me - I have to deal with a lot of Christians who are in my life (in my business). I can't yet 'come out' and I don't know if I ever will.I have left the church. Everybody thinks my 'new ministry' is working with people who have substance abuse problems. That's what I let then think. They think that I am 'witnessing' to these people.

 

A whole lot of my problems have always been to do with this 'god'. Your damn right, I am still struggling and grieving - to let go of this doctrine that keeps me bound in fear.I still think -'what if I'm wrong?'

 

I think this whole mid-life crises is the grief that I feel about letting go, losing friends, and everyone looking at me as weird. I already have so many points going against me because everyone that knows me - knows that I am a rebeller and always have been. I seem to have this personality that goes 'against the grain' - although, I have kept most of my 'rebellious' opinions to myself over the years and have just agreed with most people to keep the peace.

 

I can't wait to feel the freedom that some feel on this board. :shrug:

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Someone commented on another thread about how annoying it is that some Christians think you're miserable and in some sort of emotional turmoil if you've left your faith. I love that you've created an entire thread about it. The general response I've gotten is sadness and pity. So many people think that my having left my faith has left me miserable. One oeven told me in an email that "Much the same way a gay person feels relief when they come out of the closet, your happiness and relief will be short lived. You will eventually realize that the only thing in this life that will make you feel better is Jesus." Don't even get me started on the comments I've recieved about dating a non-believer. People think I left the church to find myself a man. He was a bonus after the fact. Thr truth is that I was happy before I found him, because I had finally walked away from the lies of Christianity. I think for me, the turmoil occured prior to my outing myself publicly. Once I admitted to the world that I no longer believed, I felt nothing but joy and relief. The only grieving for me was in the loss of some friendships. But it didn't take me long to realize who my friends were.

 

 

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actually, I have never been happier.

 

See when I was a christian, I constantly thought everything had to be about god. It wasn't until I began to realize the thruth that I just started to have more fun. Life became about living life and not worrying about pleasing god.

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Unhappiness, a sense of isolation and general pissed off-ness at the world doesn't have to have anything to do with ones faith or not.

 

SOme people are just miserable people, no matter what their worldview.

 

For me, Christianity didn't make me any happier. Neither does a lack of belief in god make me happier.

 

I'm going to have to solve my problems through some other means.

 

Christians just say that to be patronizing and to convince themselves they are doing the right thing by giving up some of the use of their higher brain functioning for a myth.

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I was fairly happy in my Christianity for most of my life. There was ups and downs, and I wish I had done some things differently. But the religion led me to my wonderful wife. Through out my 20s I was a pretty devoted believer but most of my happiness came from what makes any body happy, peace, a good job with financial stability, an amazing relationship with my wife, and two wonderful children.

 

Then the decoversion came, and that was a very disturbing and often miserable time.

 

Thankfully, my wife came on the journey with me (otherwise I probably never would have let myself go all the way, she is too important to me).

 

And now I am definitely happier and more at peace then I was during the last four of five years. But overall I would say I'm pretty much just as happy/unhappy as I was when I was a Christian. Being a heterosexual white male, I didn't have the burden of dealing with the discrimination others feel under the weight of Christianity (such as is discrimination of women). I definitely had a more promising outlook on my future and death when I was a christian, and it was easier to explain death to my children (as long as you left out the hell part, which my wife and I always did). But now I can be openly friends with my gay neighbors without the burden of knowing my religion condemns their lifestyle. The one day I am definitely happier is Sunday, the day I used to play along with all the crazy mythology and try to make it make sense. Even before I started seriously doubting, I began to wrestle and contort and go through mental gymnastics to make what I already believed have any actual relation to reality. Good riddance to that. And I don't miss the beginning of any football games anymore!

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My mom thinks I'm "struggling". I suppose that's what a christian is bound to think, especially if they don't think it's possible for a true christian to leave. She no doubt thinks satan has me all confused.

 

My parents are totally convinced I'm sad and miserable because of my lack of faith. I have never been more happy in my life, totally understanding life and my purpose, to live and enjoy it while I'm here. I hardly give my lack of belief a thought anymore, other than when I'm confronted by Christians who can't possibly understand how I can't believe. I do get annoyed by Christians who find out I don't believe and ask me why, I explain and then they want me to explain more. Then tell me what Christianity is about, like I never was a "real" Christian. When I pop off a few bible quotes they don't know about, then they leave the scene. I'm possessed by a demon according to my parents, their prayers are going to somehow to get those demons out.

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It's always a struggle to radically change one's worldview. Most stories I read of non-believers "coming to Christ" involve some kind of rock-bottom scenario. It's like you have to lose everything but your life to believe something so stupid. People believe because they want or need to believe and are afraid not to. People who don't believe don't believe because they can't believe. No choice to it.

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It's always a struggle to radically change one's worldview. Most stories I read of non-believers "coming to Christ" involve some kind of rock-bottom scenario. It's like you have to lose everything but your life to believe something so stupid. People believe because they want or need to believe and are afraid not to. People who don't believe don't believe because they can't believe. No choice to it.

 

I had the opposite experience - I hit rock bottom and realised that christianity and its bullshit had sent me there. A wise therapist said to me "you can continue to allow these christians to define who you are and believe them, or you can admit you have been living in misery for years because of the prison you have constructed for yourself by believing their lies, change the way you think and have some peace in your life for whatever yeas are left". I chose the peace. And the sex is AWESOME :woohoo:

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I haven't had anyone say it to my face yet, but I'm sure there are those who think that is the case....unfortunately for them, I've never been happier :D

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The only real struggle I face in relation to ditching superstitions is dealing with the christardery that infects my family. Turning away from their make believe friend has made me somewhat of an outcast...

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A friend of mine hit the nail on the head the other night. He said: "The fact that it's so easy for you to walk away threatens some of us. It's scary to think that someone who had it right can fall. What does that say for those of us who can't get it right?"

 

So true. I think they feel threatened by our happiness so they convince themselves that it's temporary and that their faith will ultimately bring them more happiness than our newfound freedom.

 

 

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My mom said to me, "I'd like you to stop wasting your life in unhappiness and disbelief."

 

My reply to her (via e-mail) was:

 

When I realized (realized, not decided) that Christianity is not true, life suddenly became infinitely more amazing. It is like I’m seeing the world in color now, instead of black and white. I can view other people as whole people, instead of just seeing them as an evangelical target whose worth is based solely on which deity they worship. The world around me is breathtaking in its beauty and complexity, even more so due to the mechanism that led to our current state.

 

I am not wasting my life in unhappiness! I have an inner peace that comes not from a lack of struggle, but from an increase in knowledge, and from the fact that I no longer have to try to convince myself that a blind, unquestioning belief in an unbelievable religion is the only thing that is keeping me from being eternally tortured by a “loving” god.

She never responded to that.

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When I realized (realized, not decided) that Christianity is not true, life suddenly became infinitely more amazing. It is like I’m seeing the world in color now, instead of black and white. I can view other people as whole people, instead of just seeing them as an evangelical target whose worth is based solely on which deity they worship. The world around me is breathtaking in its beauty and complexity, even more so due to the mechanism that led to our current state.

 

I am not wasting my life in unhappiness! I have an inner peace that comes not from a lack of struggle, but from an increase in knowledge, and from the fact that I no longer have to try to convince myself that a blind, unquestioning belief in an unbelievable religion is the only thing that is keeping me from being eternally tortured by a “loving” god.

 

What a greatly-worded salvo, Seeking. +1. I will have to borrow the substance of this if I ever get the same "unhappy" tack from others.

 

She never responded to that.

 

That is a telling silence. It's funny how level-headed replies to their tactical attacks leave fundies speechless.

 

I wonder if managing to shift the discussion outside of the antagonistic, "us vs. them" framework of fundamentalism puts them on unfamiliar ground and opens their minds ever briefly to your point of view.

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This is a very interesting topic, even though my experience has been quite the opposite:

What strikes me is that no one seems to have the courage to say that I must be very unhappy or that I'm going to hell or anything similar. If they're really firm believers why don't they feel the urge to tell me what a bleak future awaits me?

Fact is, I'm a lot happier now that I've given up pretending to believe, and I guess it shows.

 

All of this makes me think that some of them intuitively know I'm closer to the truth than they are (e.g. Genesis and by extension the whole bible can't be taken literally, need I say more?) but they don't want to bear the consequences: Leaving a church that wants you to believe ridiculous things but makes you feel oh so good.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My Mom loves to tell me that without jesus I will have nothing to rely on when the shit hits the fan (i.e. terminal disease, death of a loved one, etc). "You won't be able to rely on yourself or other people in situations like that."

I honestly don't know how to reply to this and am terrified for what will happen when something like that does happen.

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I deal with situations everyday without relying on god to take care of things for me. In fact, a few years ago, I was faced with a life-threatening surgery and while I was afraid, I found that I had an inner resilience to be able to make certain decisions, and that my family was also a great source of support, particularily my husband. At no time, did I feel any assistance from god coming my way, even though at that time, I was kind of hoping to. In fact, I noticed that he was markedly absent when I needed him the most. I found I had to rely on myself the most, and others secondarily to get through the tough times. If we are all honest with ourselves, we know that this is the case all of the time-- that great voice of reason in your head is not god, but you-- working through whatever you are dealing with. Either that, or your mom has some special hotline with god-- who can say????

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My Mom loves to tell me that without jesus I will have nothing to rely on when the shit hits the fan (i.e. terminal disease, death of a loved one, etc). "You won't be able to rely on yourself or other people in situations like that."

I honestly don't know how to reply to this and am terrified for what will happen when something like that does happen.

 

I would hopefully say something like "No, I have the inner strength to deal with these situations." If you don't have yourself to rely on, what will you do? I say, "hopefully" because the person you are talking to being your mother makes it more difficult to be completely honest, doesn't it? I'm guessing though, because I don't know you or your mother.

 

Its natural to think of these things with fear. Yet I say that when it comes I can deal with it - some things I can anticipate and so I can prepare myself. Sudden, unexpected events are harder, but I believe it is possible to train the mind to prepare itself for these events. It is a question of mental toughness, of training the mind, of living in the moment and not dwelling on past or future. I am sure it can be done. Prepare yourself so that the phone call in the middle of the night won't make you fall apart. You would be alone then, no matter what, in that moment.

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My Mom loves to tell me that without jesus I will have nothing to rely on when the shit hits the fan (i.e. terminal disease, death of a loved one, etc). "You won't be able to rely on yourself or other people in situations like that."

I honestly don't know how to reply to this and am terrified for what will happen when something like that does happen.

 

With Jesus there is nothing to rely on. Bible says the rain falls alike on the godly and the ungodly. People do not get healed of terminal illnesses just because they are christians, when people die it still feels like shit whether you believe they go to heaven or not.

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learn what's important to *you* and, when the fit hits the shan, rely on that. For me, it's being able to analyze my feelings and talk with friends about my experiences. Other people need to exercise or have jobs to do, or spend some time away on a vacation, or write......

 

Knowing yourself and learning coping strategies that really make you feel *good* and healthy is probably the most important thing you can do, ever.

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