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I Hope This Makes Me Stronger


chosendarkness
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My father didn't want me and my mother is an alcoholic who can only think about herself. I've don't have a companion, and there is no god. So basically I'm totally on my own. It's nothing new, I've felt alone most of my life, but recently it's become even more clear. I don't have anyone else but me. I'm guessing this will just make me a stronger person, I hope so.

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CD I wish you weren't alone. And it's a damn shame that when people express their loneliness it seems to only drive other people away. It seems to be a vicious cycle.

 

You weren't meant to be alone. I suppose a certain learned self-sufficiency is healthy, but you and I are social organisms nonetheless.

 

Go ye therefore and mingle.

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I think a lot of people here can relate. I feel the same way sometimes. I don't know where you're from, but perhaps you should check out meetup.com. There are tons of groups you can find that may help you get out there and meet people in your area with similar circumstances and thinking. For example, in my area there is the Freethinker's Society (an atheist group of...well, free-thinking people) and a group called Recovering from Religion.

 

Sounds like you haven't had an easy life, and I'm sorry that you have parents that haven't been all they can be for you. I hope you are able to get yourself out there and connect with people that can relate to you. In the meantime, you have us! And I do think that you will become stronger because of this...I know I have. I'm getting to know myself better than ever. I hope you do, too:)

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It's awful to feel alone. Use us until to meet that special companion or friend that can give you 'human touch'. Here's a big hug and kiss on the cheek from me today - Just for you! :Love: Love to you today, my friend.

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My father didn't want me and my mother is an alcoholic who can only think about herself. I've don't have a companion, and there is no god. So basically I'm totally on my own. It's nothing new, I've felt alone most of my life, but recently it's become even more clear. I don't have anyone else but me. I'm guessing this will just make me a stronger person, I hope so.

 

You sound really depressed.

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. So here is my objective "To-Do" list for you:

 

Take a walk/jog/whatever physical thing you love to do. The endorphins and increased serotonin will work as an antidepressant. Be careful how you talk to yourself. If you only have yourself, then be nice to you. Smash the negative thoughts, spin them- replace them....make a list if it helps.

Get a pet. Having a pet is good for your health. You experience an increase in oxytocin just from looking at them and petting them. It is good for the pet too!

 

After those things, go to meet-up...or join a club or community service project like Meals on Wheels or Habitat, or reading to kids at the hospital- Anything ......

 

I hope you feel better.

 

Last night, I was feeling like a failure...kind of down and I was thinking how I wish that I could say "god save me"...but I know that it won't help. It is hard sometimes. I think that is one reason the idea of god has lasted so long; because deep down we are all children and we want to be taken care of.

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Thanks for the kind words guys, I really appreciate it. I've been thinking about doing those exact things, excercise and trying meetup.com. I have a hard time meeting new people because I don't know how to be myself. I was raised by a person who didn't have the ability to express feelings, so I really don't understand what I'm feeling or why most of the time. I've kind of had to piece it together slowly over the years, and when I have those moments of clarity when I see myself, it's so fucked up and pitiful, no wonder I'm fake. I'd rather be myself though no matter how fucked up I am, but it seems like I don't have the ability to. I don't expect anyone to love me for who I am, so that's probably one of the reasons I'm alone too.

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and when I have those moments of clarity when I see myself, it's so fucked up and pitiful, no wonder I'm fake. I'd rather be myself though no matter how fucked up I am, but it seems like I don't have the ability to. I don't expect anyone to love me for who I am, so that's probably one of the reasons I'm alone too.

 

Every human being is a work in progress. Don't let what you are now be your whole identity; make a plan for who you want to be, work towards it, and include the "good" person you are working towards in your sense of self. It's not your fault that you were born into an unhealthy situation, so don't blame yourself for it. And it sounds like you are working on developing the life skills that your parents never modeled for you; that progress you are making is something to be proud of. And after you do accomplish one of your goals, spend some time being happy about it, and use the happiness as momentum to work towards your next goal.

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Thanks for the kind words guys, I really appreciate it. I've been thinking about doing those exact things, excercise and trying meetup.com. I have a hard time meeting new people because I don't know how to be myself. I was raised by a person who didn't have the ability to express feelings, so I really don't understand what I'm feeling or why most of the time. I've kind of had to piece it together slowly over the years, and when I have those moments of clarity when I see myself, it's so fucked up and pitiful, no wonder I'm fake. I'd rather be myself though no matter how fucked up I am, but it seems like I don't have the ability to. I don't expect anyone to love me for who I am, so that's probably one of the reasons I'm alone too.

 

I am alone too. Its really very hard sometimes. However, from what you are saying here - this expresses to me that you have a lot of insight into yourself and your own mind. But --If it is "fucked up and pitiful" realize that this may just be an illusion. For what its worth, you don't seem that way to me. You will find the strength to carry on. Life has much beauty in it but it all depends on how you see it. Attitude and the state of your mind is everything.

 

I have never yet found anyone who really loved me for who I am. The thing is-- I no longer expect it or look for it. I can't get it from my fundamentalist parents, that's for sure. I don't mean to be depressing, and some might take it that way, but I will say that there is a lot to be said for acceptance - especially after 50 or so years.

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You are neither fucked up nor pitiful. You are able to call it like it is, and that in itself is a pretty valuable quality. The truth is we are all alone, every single one of us no matter how many people we surround ourselves with. And its okay.

 

For years I was depressed and hopeless about the future. Having useless parents sucks and blows at the same time, and it can set you up for years of misery like it did me. Don't let it. Learn now to treat yourself with utmost respect, and re-parent yourself. You are a beautiful, unique human being and you deserve to treat yourself that way, even if your parents were too stupid to do so.

 

You will grow from this, and you will become stronger. Remember, treat yourself well, because the rest of the world probably won't do that good a job of it. Hug :)

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Short story.

 

I know a guy named Wade. He grew up without a dad (he disappeared when Wade was a toddler), and an alcaholic mom that abused him (we're talking throwing knives at him that missed and stuck in the wall behind him). He lived in rural east Texas, and the few people that he was around were nothing like him. He eventually turned to drinking and heavily using drugs, himself, and felt like he had no one and that no one gave a damn about him.

 

Fast-forward twenty or so years.

 

He is now happily married and has one of the sweetest little girls I have ever met. He managed to reconnect with his long-lost father and forgive him, and created a strong relationship with him. His mom has been sober for about ten years now and he actually lives next door to her (he helps take care of her as she's getting old). He's also the closest thing to a brother I've ever had. He really is one of the best people I know and he has the biggest heart of anybody you'll ever meet.

 

Basic point is this: what don't kill ya' makes ya' stronger. You may end up as well as he did and you may not. Just keep soldiering, man. And when you emerge from the shit you're going through right now, you can give the preverbial middle finger to the world like the tough son of a bitch you'd be for having been through what you have.

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It is our human nature to feel our seperateness and aloneness even in a crowd because we are individuals. Like others have said, keep trying new ways to go out and meet people and whatever don't kill you does make you stronger. I was raised by an alcoholic and very mentally ill/sadistic/fucked up? mother and my dad wasn't really there for us. Won't go into all the details. The important thing is to hang in there and keep trying new approaches to life.

 

I finally started a small cleaning business that paid the bills and got the skills to mingle and do business lunches. Move forwards from where you are. Most of my other jobs have sucked but I try to remember that I am not my job. What I do for a living doesn't define who I am inside. It is just a way to pay the bills and put food on the table. I try to keep my attitude up by reminding myself that others in the world have it worse than I do.

 

I did find love and I have finally developed some long term friendships and life is really good. So, hang in there and keep improving in the areas that you need to work on. You can do this. I felt where you were coming from when I read your post and wanted to respond.

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Guest Babylonian Dream

My mother has returned to being an alcoholic after I came out of the closet as gay and it sunk in, now I live in a small trailer with her, and when she's not screaming at me, its as if we're seperated by oceans we don't even speak to eachother. I don't get along with my fundamentalist baptist family. So basically, I hear you. Its winter so I'm lonely, but I have friends I talk to while online, both real life friends and online friends. It used to be the case that I had absolutely none for a grim period of my teenage years.

 

We all go through tough times, and when others see that, their instincts are to flee any sign of negativity. We all need someone. We're here to talk until you meet friends and when you meet other friends, as we'll be your friends. :)

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Thanks for caring.

 

In recovery from drug addiction, when people first get sober they feel wonderful but it doesn't last. They call it the 'honeymoon' and after that it gets really tough. I think that may be what I'm experiencing in my recovery from religion. It felt great to be free, but now everything that I had been covering up with religion is coming out. I'm feeling deep hatred for my mother and stepfather and I don't want to. It feels like a worm inside me that's eating my brain and organs. It's taking over my life. Does anyone know how to deal with that?

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Chosen - There is a great post going on 'resentment' that I started a couple of days ago.The wisdom in the answers is awesome. It should be on page 1,2 or 3. Boy -oh boy, did it ever help me, cause I'm full of resentment! (feeling much better today!) You'll get some really good points on how to deal with this anger. Hope that it helps my friend!

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I do know what its like to feel alone. After my divorce I spent three years alone, in an apartment. I'll I did was go to work and then back to the cave as I called it. I did have "friends" but I never felt like I could talk to them. I had family and they would make me feel better for a while but of course those moments are fleeting. I honestly think that it did make me a stronger individual. I no longer feel like I have to have someone in my life all the time, and I was able to learn to deal with issues that would have been hampered by being in a relationship at the time. I'm married now and am so happy to have found the woman that I am with, but I still have my issues with depression. The one thing that I think helped me the most was going to the gym and pool. Just getting excercise and not feeling like a shut-in made my mood change dramatically. I feel for any of you who think that you are alone. Know that you aren't. Though I might be miles away you can always strike up a conversation on here or through email and discuss whatever you need to. I have been through a lot in my life and still have a lot to endure ahead im sure. Always good to have friends who have similar experiences!

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Thanks for caring.

 

In recovery from drug addiction, when people first get sober they feel wonderful but it doesn't last. They call it the 'honeymoon' and after that it gets really tough. I think that may be what I'm experiencing in my recovery from religion. It felt great to be free, but now everything that I had been covering up with religion is coming out. I'm feeling deep hatred for my mother and stepfather and I don't want to. It feels like a worm inside me that's eating my brain and organs. It's taking over my life. Does anyone know how to deal with that?

 

You need to feel this stuff to process it. Otherwise it stays locked inside you and it will eat you up for the rest of your life until you deal with it. I had to be 46 years old before I dealt with what christianity had made me hide. I was a fucking mess of a person but I had to live through the pain before I came out the other side. Sometimes people treat us like shit, its part of life. Hating them is normal if they were horrible to you but if you cling on to that, it will destroy you. Some people are assholes even when we are related to them, and it pays us to keep away from them. Sounds like your mother and stepfather fit into that category.

 

When I was younger in my 20's allthis shit used to roll around inside me and it had no outlet because I could not find a therapist with the brains to help me release it, and a lot of my christian beliefs stopped me from facing some harsh realities. People are not nice, god will not save me, people are not honest and often they can't see beyond the end of their own nose. Most people are not able or willing to give me the level of love and care I am prepared to give them. I am alone in the world and I have to sort out my own shit. But it's all okay :)

 

The shit that happened to me largely wasn't mny fault and I bet what happened to you wasn't either. The fact you had a drug problem tells me you are really hurting, and good for you that you have managed to stay away from that shit. Like religion it just covers the truth and gives you another problem. It is a temporary fix.

 

Truth is you deserve a good life and the only way that you will get that is to learn to treat yourself well, even if other people haven't. You are your own greatest advocate and even if other people have taught you to treat yourself badly - STOP. Search and search until you find someone who can help you live the life you deserve.

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People are not nice, god will not save me, people are not honest and often they can't see beyond the end of their own nose. Most people are not able or willing to give me the level of love and care I am prepared to give them. I am alone in the world and I have to sort out my own shit. But it's all okay :)

 

Very well phrased. That is the truth. No question about it. You have to be your own savior, that is something that took me many years to discover. Nothing and no one is going to come in from the outside and do it.

 

That's wise, true, brave and really great.

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