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I'm new here and all, but this was an amazing thread to read right off the bat. I pretty much could have written this when I was going through my deconversion. In my head, I had many conversations with "God" that sounded exactly like this. I wish I had thought to write them out too. Thank you for sharing.

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Dearest Heavenly Bible God, Father, Jehovah, Jesus, Holy Spirit, The Creator of the Universe, I come to you with the utmost sincerity of my heart, to talk with you. I have wanted to please you all my

Margee, you dear sweet lady! I have been lurking here for several months, but reading this post today is what motivated me to become a member here. Thank you! All 6 pages so far have touched and comfo

I wanted to update this post a little. It was such an honor to find my letter on somebody's blog on the internet. I had to reply to him and this is what I wrote:   When I wrote this last letter to G

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I'm new here and all, but this was an amazing thread to read right off the bat. I pretty much could have written this when I was going through my deconversion. In my head, I had many conversations with "God" that sounded exactly like this. I wish I had thought to write them out too. Thank you for sharing.

 

Welcome to EX-c Lily! I am so glad you enjoyed the letter. When I joined EX-c, I thought I was the only one in the world that lost my faith! I was sooo afraid. I still read it once a week and still feel the same way, almost 2 years later....I even thought god would 'show up' for me after I wrote that letter because I was so heart-broken. No show. Wendyshrug.gif

 

I am really looking forward to hearing more from you. Hope you are going to write out a 'testimony' for us to read? Stay with us darlin'.. we have a lot of good discussions on Ex-c. One never has to feel alone agian when they have lost their faith.

Looking forward to seeing you on the board!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

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Margee I applaud your courage...very moving and sincere and captures the deepest thoughts of many others..thank you...letting go is incredibly hard after so many years..like an inescapable stress and being in a black room with no doors - if you make it out (and im sure you will) let us know what it feels like to be free of the tyrnanny of this 'religious madness' as so many people desperately want to end the same mental torment you have endured yourself and probably dare not express it..wishing you all the best:)

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  • 1 month later...

Wow. Just wow. I definitely felt the same way as you expressed in your letter but could have never laid it out so beautifully. I am just loving this site and the opportunity to interact with people who really understand the deconversion process.

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Wow. Just wow. I definitely felt the same way as you expressed in your letter but could have never laid it out so beautifully. I am just loving this site and the opportunity to interact with people who really understand the deconversion process.

 

Welcome new! So glad you have joined us!! Can't wait until you write your x-timony for us!! You are going to, aren't you?? biggrin.png

 

Life on this site for almost 2 years has helped me to deconvert and heal almost completely now!! It takes time, but as you work through all the issues on the board, you will become somewhat comfortable just knowing that you are not alone!!

 

Welcome to Ex-c!

 

Sincerely, Margee

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Margee,

 

Thanks! I am going to try to write my x-timony, although I must admit that I am very intimidated after reading (and watching video) of others' stories. I am really blown away. Mine is nowhere near as interesting, and I don't have the skill for writing that others obviously possess. But, if it can help others in some way then I am willing to share the boring details. smile.png

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Margee, I missed your OP when you first wrote it. It's excellent! Bravo!

 

New2me, welcome to the forum. smile.png

Thank you and Glad you're on board with us, Miss Birdlady!! biggrin.png

Sincerely, Margee

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Margee,

 

Thanks! I am going to try to write my x-timony, although I must admit that I am very intimidated after reading (and watching video) of others' stories. I am really blown away. Mine is nowhere near as interesting, and I don't have the skill for writing that others obviously possess. But, if it can help others in some way then I am willing to share the boring details. smile.png

 

new......some have been through a lot and some haven't. Your own personal story will help someone else who will relate to what you have to say!! don't be shy hon...you will never get judged on this board with your x-timony.

 

Just losing one's belief in god is traumatic........... dosen't even matter about all the details.....

 

Write, make mistakes, you never have to be perfect here!! Can't wait .............yellow.gif

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Every time I see this thread raised (and it happens often), I think of how far Margee has come since she wrote the OP. The OP is so heartfelt and beautifully written and expresses what so many of us experienced. But just as beautiful is how Margee managed to continue moving forward. I think the OP, combined with the Margee of now, serves as a great source of hope to all newly deconverted ExChristians (and many of us old timers, too).

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Every time I see this thread raised (and it happens often), I think of how far Margee has come since she wrote the OP. The OP is so heartfelt and beautifully written and expresses what so many of us experienced. But just as beautiful is how Margee managed to continue moving forward. I think the OP, combined with the Margee of now, serves as a great source of hope to all newly deconverted ExChristians (and many of us old timers, too).

 

Overcame...You were the first one to applaud me back then and you are still help me in so many ways. I am always honored to be a friend of yours. Thank YOU for all your support in the last 22 months! Friends forever!! yellow.gif

 

Love ya!

Big hugs!

10.gif

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Welcome to Ex-C, fellow Virginian! I'm in the Richmond area. Don't worry about anyone around here judging you. We're all pretty much in the same boat, and this is our sanctuary!

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  • 1 month later...

One last quick discussion. Why didn’t you make us the way you wanted us to be in the first place? It could have been so simple – you are god! Why tempt us in the garden? Why make hell? Why scare people? Why would you do this to us? I have been taught that all who accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour will go to heaven, but the amount of reward in heaven will be directly related to how closely each one followed God's will in his life. I really tried to do this. Likewise, all those who reject Jesus Christ will go to hell and will be punished to the degree of how much evil they committed in their life.

 

Why did you need to resort to human sacrifices to ‘satisfy’ the sin disease - which you created and tempted us with in the first place? Why be so cruel? Obviously, I will go to this hell you created for people who reject. It’s not that I want to reject you – I just don’t trust you anymore. Trust is reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, of a person or thing; confidence. It is the confident expectation of hope that someone really cares for your well-being. It gives you confidence in the certainty of the future. It is a loving person on whom one relies. It is the condition of one, to whom something has been entrusted with, like custody or care. It is a commitment of love, and that love would not hurt you.....Please forgive me for not trusting you anymore.

 

I loved you for a long time and yet, you scare me with hell? And then you tell me that you are a loving God. Would you be affectionate and forgiving enough to take my hand and walk in hell with me?

 

This section of the letter right here sums up the main cause of my deconversion, even though there was more to it than just this. What happened was I began to make a discovery, over time, that the god I had put my trust in for so long had the personality of a sadistic, and cruel tyrant, not the personality of a god that loved its creations. If I had written something like this, these paragraphs would be the beginning. I would have been asking for an explanation to better help me understand how a perfect god could possibly be guilty of actions that I knew were evil.

 

Unlike your experience Margee, I didn't doubt the existence of this god, but instead doubted whether or not his love for humans was sincere. The signs that I had given control of my life to a being that was certainly a narcissist. A being that required me to give my love first, before it would give any to me. A being that created living things against their will and then commanded his creations to love him and obey his every command, while threatening to do something terrible to those that refused. Hell bothered me the most out of all of the horrible executions carried out in the Bible. Infinite torture for finite sins. I do not think it matters how evil a person lives their life on the Earth, no one that has ever lived deserves to be tortured forever. I know that once a person has suffered beyond the amount of suffering they have inflicted upon others, yet continues to suffer, their punishment is no longer just.

 

These doubts lasted a long time and obviously I thought I was the one with the problem. I thought maybe I was somehow being deceived by the devil, even though I knew that there was definitely evidence to support my reasons for thinking this way. If Satan truly had been telling me these things, he would definitely not have been the liar the Bible claimed he was. There was no denying that throughout the Bible, it seemed like the Bible god had set humans up to fail just to save them from their sins with Jesus, possibly either to make himself look good, or maybe for the fun of messing with the minds of his creations.

 

Discovering that there was no evidence to support the existence of this monstrous being was actually a relief for me. It meant that this evil monster did not exist anywhere except in the minds of people that still believe.

 

Margee, your post was definitely worth reading and I enjoyed it. Even though our doubts may have been different at the beginning of our deconversions, the feeling of betrayal we experienced was the same. We both felt like the the god we had trusted and loved had let us down and struggling with the doubts was a nightmare, but it seems like we've both got through this difficult time and have put it behind us. The one good thing about the experience is we can both share our experiences and the things we have learned with new ex-Christians to help them deal with their deconversions and to let them know that they do not need to be afraid of the Bible god anymore.

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Even though our doubts may have been different at the beginning of our deconversions, the feeling of betrayal we experienced was the same. We both felt like the the god we had trusted and loved had

 

crazyguy....it is so good to hear how comfortable you are right now after being brainwashed during your whole life!. You are a very smart young man to have made this discovery so young!! I 'came' to the lord at 19 and just got out permanently 3 1/2 years ago.!!

 

Thank you so much for sharing. I am not the same Margee that joined this board almost 2 years ago. I am still trying to discover who I am. When the world steals your identity and your intellect from you - it takes time to find out who really lives inside your body!!

 

I can't believe that I believed so strongly for so many years..it all looks so silly now. But because, my belief was soooo strong - I felt totally betrayed when I woke up from the lie. Every adult I knew told me there was a god.....so I just believed.

 

I am just so glad the letter helped. I still come to EX-c everyday - that's why I keep getting stronger and stronger everyday because of the very intelligent people on this site. I don't post as often but I love to sit and read. I am always at home with my friends here. Really looking forward to hearing more from you my friend!

 

Sincerly, Margee

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These doubts lasted a long time and obviously I thought I was the one with the problem. I thought maybe I was somehow being deceived by the devil, even though I knew that there was definitely evidence to support my reasons for thinking this way.

As mentioned elsewhere, I had trouble with that idea, too.

It's a real mindfuck.

 

If Satan truly had been telling me these things, he would definitely not have been the liar the Bible claimed he was. There was no denying that throughout the Bible, it seemed like the Bible god had set humans up to fail just to save them from their sins with Jesus, possibly either to make himself look good, or maybe for the fun of messing with the minds of his creations.

As one author I read put it, Christians keep saying, "Oh, you should be so grateful that God gave his Son to save you!" when in reality it's more like God cut you and then wanted you to feel grateful because he then gave you a bandage.

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I don't know if this sounds crazy but I'm at a point in my life now where I really don't give a crap even if a god exists. In fact, if someone were to prove to me that everything in the bible is true and that I have to 'repent' of some crap in order to enter the pearly gates, I'd still not give a crap. Why? Because if the various doctrines and rules are in fact true then I have no choice but to reject all of them for the simple facts:

1. I'm a critical thinking, rational human being

2. After studying the bible, both testaments, for years I've concluded that many of us including me are morally superior to what is cited in the bible as examples of god fearing people.

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I don't know if this sounds crazy but I'm at a point in my life now where I really don't give a crap even if a god exists. In fact, if someone were to prove to me that everything in the bible is true and that I have to 'repent' of some crap in order to enter the pearly gates, I'd still not give a crap. Why? Because if the various doctrines and rules are in fact true then I have no choice but to reject all of them for the simple facts:

1. I'm a critical thinking, rational human being

2. After studying the bible, both testaments, for years I've concluded that many of us including me are morally superior to what is cited in the bible as examples of god fearing people.

 

Nothing crazy about that. In fact, I think the point where you just don't need to prove it to anyone else is a great place to be. There is a real freedom in not needing to engage the issue anymore.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I come back and read this periodically, because it's so true.

 

I've finally narrowed down my prayer life to one prayer "god, if you exist, reveal yourself in such a way to make it unquestionable. And then be so kind as to let me know which god you are."

 

So far no answer.

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I come back and read this periodically, because it's so true.

 

I've finally narrowed down my prayer life to one prayer "god, if you exist, reveal yourself in such a way to make it unquestionable. And then be so kind as to let me know which god you are."

 

So far no answer.

 

Oh-My Gawd waitingongod - I can do the same thing!! Wendytwitch.gif

 

Welcome to EX-c!! I'm so glad you're here. I can still become afraid (probably always will for me) and I STILL ask, every now and again.. ..for 'him' to reveal himself in such a way, I would NEVER doubt it was 'him'. Nothing ever happens!! woohoo.gif

 

Glad to have you with us!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

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Hi Margee, you have certainly been a light at the end of a dark tunnel these past months. I came across this web site a few days ago, and when I read your 'conversation' with 'God', nearly every word was also coming from my heart. I've been a struggling 'Christian' all my life (I'm 45 now), and it's taken all this time, to finally have enough of the silence of God, or rather, silence from the God of the Bible. I'll do my testimony hopefully tonight, and I'm sure I'll find fellow 'casulties' here who can relate to what I have been going through. I don't know about you, but I will always hope there is more to this life and that 'all will be well' in the end, but I'm done with flogging a dead horse where trying to connect with Jesus is concerned. Thanks again.

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Welcome, BC :) It's okay to take your time detoxing and figuring out where you'll go next. You don't have to decide anything right now about whatever you might end up believing or doing. Take your time, hang out :)

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  • 6 months later...

Margee, you dear sweet lady! I have been lurking here for several months, but reading this post today is what motivated me to become a member here. Thank you! All 6 pages so far have touched and comforted me in so many ways.

 

If I may be so bold, I would have to add another paragraph to your letter to cover all of my bases:

 

God, forgive me for not trusting your greater plan, when after several years of extreme self-sacrifice of my time and talent and family in the music ministry to work my way up the political chain -- I became frustrated when others who were related to elders walked on with sporadic commitment and no year-long investment as required of the rest of us. Forgive me for apparently misinterpreting your warnings in James about not playing favorites; I thought you would back me up with this, but I must have been mistaken. Forgive me for allowing Satan to take hold of my pride, as the pastor explained to me. I do have to ask, however... were you there when I was on trial in front of the elders for raising this concern? I tried to be as honest, discreet, and Biblical as I could, having gone through all of your required steps for dealing with such issues. Were you with the elders during the following week when they crafted that mean-spirited letter they sent to me, telling me to basically get the hell out? I'm sorry God, but I thought you said you were handling it, and I should "leave room for your vengeance." Are you still working on that? Also, why did you withhold the courage of lions from my "friends" in the church who all reeled at how terribly wrong this was, but then cowered and said nothing to defend me or otherwise confront the leadership? Have you not heard me crying out to you in confusion and loneliness that all of those friends have since abandoned me altogether? Are you there? I could use some comfort, a little encouragement, a sign that you have a larger plan in the works for the good of us all. God, I'm trying to understand. Please reach out and touch me. I am falling away from you quickly.

 

 

Never fear. I could have written this a few months ago when I finally hit a period of deep despair. Something finally clicked in me, and I started researching. I learned how common this is in many churches. (That both comforted me and angered me even more!) I learned about my cruel, absent father-god. I learned about de-conversion. I found Recovering from Religion and this amazing site. I spent hours and hours every day reading, listening to podcasts, watching youtube videos. Everything has suddenly become so clear. For several months I have found myself becoming freer and freer every day. My sins have been taken away. I am a good, talented, lovable person. I have so many other things in which to invest all my free time. The aching in the depth of my soul has gone away. My confusion, frustration, and depression has mostly dissipated. I know it will be long, but I am taking the first steps toward a healthier life and mindset.

 

Thank you to everyone on this site, for giving me a place to feel normal and accepted. I am new here, but after reading everyone's posts for hours every day up until now, I already feel welcome. Thank you all!

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You added to that letter just beautifully!! We totally understand you!!  Welcome to EX-c RW!! I'm so glad you joined us!!

 

You're home my friend. You never need to be alone again with your unbelief.

 

Hug for you today!!

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Margee, I truly believe you and many others were very sincere Christians before de-converting. Was it hard to de-convert after believing for so long?

 

I just de-converted yesterday after about 2 and a half years of Christianity(converted during my senior year of high school in Fall of 2010). It wasn't and isn't easy especially when dealing with other issues at the same time.

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Margee, I truly believe you and many others were very sincere Christians before de-converting. Was it hard to de-convert after believing for so long?

 

I just de-converted yesterday after about 2 and a half years of Christianity(converted during my senior year of high school in Fall of 2010). It wasn't and isn't easy especially when dealing with other issues at the same time.

 

Hunter, Welcome to Ex-c!! Really good to have you. You have found the right place to voice all your doubts, fears and concerns.

 

I did my very best to follow and attend the Christian church for 30 years. I had doubts from the beginning. I drove the pastor crazy with my questions. He couldn't answer any of them except for the fact that it was a 'faith' walk. So I asked god for much bigger faith to stop all the questions I had and god never 'blessed' me with it.

 

Something happened to me about 6 years ago that totally destroyed my faith in god. My faith never came back... yet letting go of what I tried to believe in for 30 years was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Most of the friends that I have had on the board for the last 2 1/2 years knows that I was extremely depressed when I joined this board. I really did not want to live anymore.

 

For the first 2 years, I drove everyone crazy on this board, I had so many questions. I listened to them, watched the links they put up for me, started to investigate all the websites that pulled the bible to sheds. The gang here on Ex-c helped me more than anything. I will be forever grateful. Someone is always here 24 hours a day to help you. Read as many threads as you can. I sat here and read and read and read. I don't have as much time to post anymore but I am always checking in to read the posts everyday. I love this site. The friends here at Ex-c helped save my life...not jesus.......

 

I am so glad you are here. You are not alone and never have to be again. It will be hard living in a world of 'believers' but you will always  have us to turn to. You will eventually learn to live in the big world of the believers. We will teach you how. When you ask a question, you will get all the different answers and opinions from the gang. Something will always make sense for you. Everybody seems to deconvert a little  differently. Do what makes you comfortable right now. It's gonna be OK!!!

 

Best of everything to you in this new journey.

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