TelevisionKiller Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 My boyfriend and I of just a little over 1 year have been discussing an interest in moving in together. Both of us have discussed marriage before, but we agreed that it would be a good idea to see if we're compatible living together. The problem I am worried about is with my conservative Catholic parents. I'm almost positive they do not know I have a sexual relationship with my boyfriend, and when I visited them during Thanksgiving I heard them discussing the "sins" of "shacking up together before you're married". (they weren't speaking to me, to a sibling of mine.) While I pay my bills and handle my money responsibly, I am still on their insurance and on their phone plan as well, and they help me out if I'm broke or need some emergency money. They helped me move out to Tennessee for an internship and assisted me in finding housing. I'm afraid that if I bring up moving in with my boyfriend (as I'm sure I can't try to hide that) what their reaction would be. Has anyone else been in this predicament or a similar situation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 My boyfriend and I of just a little over 1 year have been discussing an interest in moving in together. Both of us have discussed marriage before, but we agreed that it would be a good idea to see if we're compatible living together. The problem I am worried about is with my conservative Catholic parents. I'm almost positive they do not know I have a sexual relationship with my boyfriend, and when I visited them during Thanksgiving I heard them discussing the "sins" of "shacking up together before you're married". (they weren't speaking to me, to a sibling of mine.) While I pay my bills and handle my money responsibly, I am still on their insurance and on their phone plan as well, and they help me out if I'm broke or need some emergency money. They helped me move out to Tennessee for an internship and assisted me in finding housing. I'm afraid that if I bring up moving in with my boyfriend (as I'm sure I can't try to hide that) what their reaction would be. Has anyone else been in this predicament or a similar situation? I was in a situation where support from my parents came with strings. So I cut those strings and the support. I lived in a shitty basement apartment with freedom to be me. I didn't take anything from my parents, not the smallest teensiest thing, that came with strings. One of them has learned to love me and let me be free. The other hasn't, and it continues to be a problem between us. As a result, we don't talk much. Phanta 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I think that Phanta's is the ultimate advice in your situation. If you are an adult (and you are) and want your independence, then you must truly be independent. To the extent your parents try to contol you through their financial contributions to you, then you must not accept those contributions. As they say, freedom is not free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted February 7, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted February 7, 2011 If the financial support comes with strings, then it's a job. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hereticzero Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 If you live in a state that recognizes common law marriages, if you break up and you've both have your names on documents such as utilities, rent, bank accounts, etc., like a lot of married people do, you may find out you have to have a divorce in the courts and dissolve the common law marriage. There is no such thing as common law divorce. If it were me, I would keep every thing separate, only one name on the utilities, one name on the rentals, don't tell people you live together as man and wife, or your testing compat.. Keep separate addresses such as two PO Boxes, one for each of you. I'm not kidding. When I worked for Dept. of VA I did a claim for a guy who lived with three sep. women (not at the same time, over the years in the same state) and legally married one of them but he lived in a state that recognized common law marriages and because he and his lady friends lived as husband and wife, it was a real mess to straighten out when he died as each of his 'wives' filed for his death benefits and the married one and one of the live-ins lost! Protect your interests until you are certain you want to spend your future with your boyfriend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 My wife and I lived together for a year and a half before we got married- and I think it was a damn good decision. That way we were both staying because we wanted to- not out of any legal or financial obligation. No pressure to make the relationship work except that we wanted it to. We got married after a year and a half, but really we both just considered it a formality- and we both have a hard time remembering exactly what YEAR it was. We would have been perfectly happy with shacking up indefinitely, but as I'm sure you're aware- our society comes with lots of built-in benefits to getting married. The only thing that changed between us was that she suddenly was on my health insurance plan, and we were filing taxes together. We've been together for 11 years now, and I still love her more than I ever reckoned I was capable of. About parental support and strings attached- that's something that I never had to deal with, but the wife has had problems with it. There's no easy solution here... but if you want to play you gotta pay. And if you truly want to be independent, then you have to actually cut those strings. Depends on what you want and the personalities of the people involved. Some people NEVER cut those strings entirely, and spend their entire lives partially dependent on and partially beholden to their parents. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it would never work for me. And the wife had to cut all strings (not all ties- just anything that she could be guilted about) before she had any peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 If you live in a state that recognizes common law marriages, if you break up and you've both have your names on documents such as utilities, rent, bank accounts, etc., like a lot of married people do, you may find out you have to have a divorce in the courts and dissolve the common law marriage. There is no such thing as common law divorce. If it were me, I would keep every thing separate, only one name on the utilities, one name on the rentals, don't tell people you live together as man and wife, or your testing compat.. Keep separate addresses such as two PO Boxes, one for each of you. I'm not kidding. When I worked for Dept. of VA I did a claim for a guy who lived with three sep. women (not at the same time, over the years in the same state) and legally married one of them but he lived in a state that recognized common law marriages and because he and his lady friends lived as husband and wife, it was a real mess to straighten out when he died as each of his 'wives' filed for his death benefits and the married one and one of the live-ins lost! Protect your interests until you are certain you want to spend your future with your boyfriend! This is so important. It is easy to find out on-line if you live in a state with common law marriage. Each State is a little different about the details, too. P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thackerie Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 This is so important. It is easy to find out on-line if you live in a state with common law marriage. Each State is a little different about the details, too. P There's a lot of good information here: http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html (It seems that common law marriages are a lot less common than is commonly believed.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 As they say, freedom is not free. Yeah. The price seems to be responsibility. Though, I have some friends who give without strings and I try to give without strings. (It seems that common law marriages are a lot less common than is commonly believed.) It looks like it used to be a lot more common, but most states have ditched it. P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seth Strong Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 My path was one where I basically cut most of my ties with my parents early because I felt that their system of beliefs was just too different. I have no interest in rubbing salt in wounds, but how can I deny myself the right to have my own values and make my own decisions. There is always the possibility that your parents will become more civil once you create space in order to say "whoa, we disagree with your choices but we want a relationship." The problem is you have to risk that relationship with your parents to find out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I have deeply thought about cohabitation since I'm repulsed by the idea of marriage. I have very conservative parents that nearly had a conniption fit when my sister moved in with her then fiance (because she didn't want to renew her the lease to her house and they were about to get married in two months--they have been married now for nearly three years), but the worst I fear from them is if they completely disinherited me for living with a boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedah Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Cut the strings, cut the support. That's what I would do. I would NEVER marry a girl without living with her for a while first. If both you and your boyfriend have jobs you will likely either save money or break even in the long run anyways. The overall cost of rent/utilities/food goes way down when two people are supporting the same place, since you can buy more produce foods in bulk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hereticzero Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Thankfully my wife understands my sense of humor. She asked me once if she passed away before I did if I would ever remarry? I said, 'no, I learned my lesson the first time.' I would not remarry anyway, I want to protect my estate for my son. But I would have relationships with whomever thought I was worth the effort, but not marry them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted February 8, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted February 8, 2011 'no, I learned my lesson the first time.' I said the same thing to my husband. It's been our running joke for years. We're both somewhat demented. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
par4dcourse Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 You wouldn't buy a car without a test drive would you? Marriage is a slightly bigger commitment than car payments, and trading is much harder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Have you already come out to your parents about your deconversion? My boyfriend and I started living together after I had already told my parents that I wasn't a Christian, and they had almost nothing to say about it, although I know they disapprove. And I cared a lot less about their disapproval after having to deal with the much larger bombshell of being an atheist. It's something we just don't talk about. I think for most people, the first time that there's a huge divergence between what their parents want and what they want is the hardest by far, even if it's nothing to do with morality or Christianity. But if you don't make the step to making your own choices and not letting your parents wishes dictate your life, it won't get easier. I agree with others that you need to cut the purse-strings if you don't want your parents telling you how to live. I don't know if it's easier or harder for me to deal with cohabitation disapproval - I see that you consider cohabitation to be a trial run for getting married. I don't intend to get married at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TelevisionKiller Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Have you already come out to your parents about your deconversion? My boyfriend and I started living together after I had already told my parents that I wasn't a Christian, and they had almost nothing to say about it, although I know they disapprove. And I cared a lot less about their disapproval after having to deal with the much larger bombshell of being an atheist. It's something we just don't talk about. I think for most people, the first time that there's a huge divergence between what their parents want and what they want is the hardest by far, even if it's nothing to do with morality or Christianity. But if you don't make the step to making your own choices and not letting your parents wishes dictate your life, it won't get easier. I agree with others that you need to cut the purse-strings if you don't want your parents telling you how to live. I don't know if it's easier or harder for me to deal with cohabitation disapproval - I see that you consider cohabitation to be a trial run for getting married. I don't intend to get married at all. Yeah, I did tell them that I'm agnostic (this was brought up when they asked if my boyfriend was religious). While they disagree with my stance on religion, I think they respect it. They don't force me to go to church when I come visit during the holidays. The only thing that annoys me is when they sing religious songs in the house or discuss God and faith and the "plan" God has for our life and how they can't wait to get to heaven to see all our dead relatives (another whole different issue I may bring up later). Being with my boyfriend has helped me to make some huge personal decisions in my life, including breaking from from the religious teachings that I had believed all my life, like no sex before marriage and that you are somehow unpure or unclean if you do so. My boyfriend also came from a very religious (Baptist) background and is learning to break free of those bonds too, albiet painfully sometimes. We will both have jobs when we live together, and one or both of us may also be going to school. We aren't sure if we actually want to get married or just live together, but either way, we want to get to know each other even better and learn to live with one another. I see that I do have to cut these strings if I want to do this, and I want to do it more than anything. I've never been happier than when I'm with my boyfriend and we both want to do this. I guess I just have to tell them that he and I are planning to move to the Fresno CA area perhaps later this year....just to let them know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phanta Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Unless you want their input, I would let them know when your plans are firm. And, unless you want their input, make it clear that you don't want their input when they try to give it to you. Unless you are interested in feedback, involving them in the "planning" stage is inviting input. Phanta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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