Foxy Methoxy Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 A couple of 19 year old college boys were working at a hospital as a dietary porters, which meant they had to do all of the dirty work in the kitchen the janitors didn't want. Some may have thought of them as slackers typical of the mid-1990's, but to others, they are heroes. This is their story. Jose - "Are you picking up the cart in Peds?" Ben - "I'd rather not. Can I get 5 West instead and you get Peds?" "Sure. Why?" "The freight elevators make me sea sick." "You mean motion sick?" "Not like car sick. Sea sick." "You're not over water. How can you be sea sick?" "It feels the same as sea sick." "That's called motion sickness." "No. Motion sickness is what I get in a car. The sensation I get on a freight elevator is exactly the same as the one I get on a boat." "Sea sickness, eh?" "Yeah. Sea sickness isn't a precise term anyway. You don't have to be in a sea to get it. You can get sea sick in the ocean, a lake, or a river." "Or elevators?" "Right." "Fair enough. I'll meet you in the dishroom in five minutes." "OK." (5 minutes later) "Mike is in charge tonight, so watch out." "Yeah. He always screws us over." "We need to get in, get out, and not draw attention to ourselves and maybe we'll actually get out on time tonight." "I wouldn't count on it." " . . . There he is." (Mike) - "I need you guys to take this dumpster downstairs. I'll have someone else clean the carts and mop for you. If you take this dumpster downstairs, you don't have to do anything else tonight." "This is heavy!!!!" "What's in it?" (Mike) - "About 2000 pounds of jello, 50 pounds of steamed spinach, and a few hundred pounds of pureed pork and peas." "How are we supposed to load it on the incinerator?" (Mike) - "The incinerator is down. You'll have to push it across the street and load it into the containment dumpster one bag at a time." "I hate you, Mike." (Mike) - "Have a good evening and I'll see you guys next week. I'm going on vacation." "Son of a . . . !" "Let just get that heavy ass thing out of here so we can go home." "It really does weigh over a ton." "And all the shifting liquid . . . God! If this thing tips, we'll be cleaning it up for the next two years." "No way. I'll quit before they make me do that." "Let's just try not to spill. OK?" "How are we going to get it down that ramp?" "Very Carefully." "You ready?" "Yeah." "OK. Here goes." The moment the cart is on an incline, it picks up speed, sails down the ramp away from our two heroes, hits a pothole in the middle of a dark alley road between the hospital, the river, and the convent, flips and splatters a thick, rusty / greenish goo all over the road. Our heroes stare at the ooze shimmering in the moonlight with the backdrop of the river only a few feet away " . . . " ". . . " "?" "?" ". . . . " "Damn." ". . . ." "What do we do now? Mike will kill us if he finds out." "Don't worry about Mike! Worry about the 2,000 lbs of Jello on the road!" "So what do we do? We can't get a hose out here!" "I dunno, but this stuff really stinks." "Yeah. Jello, spinach, and pureed pork. Mmmmmmmmm! All the liquid stuff hospital patients refused to eat tonight mixed together into some kind of unholy one ton dumpster soup jello!" Suddenly Jose, the man who's overbearing mother unwittingly turned him into the sneakiest man alive, had an idea. The man missed his calling in life as a cleaner for the mafia. Even under the most intense circumstances, he was unflappable and plotting our escape. "OK. Here's what we'll do: load the unbroken bags on to the dumpster, remove the broken bags from the goo, dispose of them and then clean the dumpster." "What about the goo in the middle of the street?" "If there are no trash bags and the dumpster has no green goo, no one will trace it back to us. Mike won't be in tomorrow, and no one else will know about the contaminated jello. They'll probably make the janitors clean it up or if it rains, it will all be washed away before the morning. No one will ever know." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Let's do it." Our heroes hide the evidence and leave for the night. the next day, they arrive to work to find a HAZMAT crew in full suits cleaning up 2,000 pounds of contaminated Jello left in the middle of the street. "Holy shit!" "Are we going to jail?" "I dunno. What is the penalty for spilling contaminated Jello?" (yelling and pumping fist at the HAZMAT team) "It's not toxic waste, you morons! It's just hospital Jello!!!!" "We're going to get fired aren't we?" "Let's go find out. Don't admit to anything." "Deal." Upon arrival to work, our young heroes learn of a mysterious mound of some strange green gel in the middle of the street near the river. As no one knew what it was, a HAZMAT team was called in and a full investigation was promised by police. It was later determined to be something that washed up from the river during one of its nightly mini-floods. Some believe it was an alien life form. Others claim it was ectoplasm. But those who were there, say it was hospital Jello mixed with pureed food. Our heroes ultimately kept their jobs and were never connected to the incident. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Don't admit to anything. Some believe it was an alien life form. Another great story! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted February 17, 2011 Super Moderator Share Posted February 17, 2011 I have really been enjoying your creative works. Thanks for posting them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy Methoxy Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Hey, thanks! I'm glad you guys are enjoying them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jose Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Glad I went through the old posts... heheh. I'll never forget what a ton of rotten jello and pureéd pork looks like, either. Horrific day, hilarious memory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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