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Goodbye Jesus

Marriage Issues From De-conversion


Wondering

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She always says, "I don't understand it, but I know I'll get answers when I get to heaven. Until then I'm going on faith..."

it's "because I can feel the Holy Spirit inside me confirming that it's true."

She said, "Satan is deceiving them."

To which I asked, "How do you know the Muslim Satan is not deceiving you?" "Because I just know..."

 

 

heh, yep I can totally imagine having that conversation with people in my old church...or even my parents Wendytwitch.gif

 

 

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Welcome, wondering. So many of us have deconverted and still have xian spouses, so we definitely feel your pain. I get what you mean about you being the one who has changed, so it's understandable that she is upset. I feel the same way about my husband. I changed, not him, so he is confused.

 

Your situation is more difficult than mine since you have children. My husband pretty much just won't discuss it, which works okay for us since we don't have any other problems. However, it does get a little annoying when your life partner won't discuss anything deeper than television shows and what's for dinner. :twitch:

 

I don't have any answers for you, but do have a listening ear. We here at Ex-C are here for you and will support you whatever you decide.

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She always says, "I don't understand it, but I know I'll get answers when I get to heaven. Until then I'm going on faith..."

it's "because I can feel the Holy Spirit inside me confirming that it's true."

She said, "Satan is deceiving them."

To which I asked, "How do you know the Muslim Satan is not deceiving you?" "Because I just know..."

 

 

heh, yep I can totally imagine having that conversation with people in my old church...or even my parents Wendytwitch.gif

 

oh yes, i have had that conversation with my parents :Doh:

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From the perspective of someone for whom deconversion was a large factor in destroying a relationship, it's been almost five years since my fundamentalist ex-husband and I divorced, and I am completely sure now that I made the right decision. However, my situation is somewhat different from yours in that I had no children and I was the woman. The environment that we were part of during our marriage was patriarchal and sexist, and my ex-husband's acceptance of his duty to bring "the weaker vessel" into line would have made any reconciliation impossible. I've noticed that when the husband is the one who deconverts, often the wife will be more accepting of it because it's her role to convince him through submission and gentleness.

 

As the child of Christian parents, I'll say this. I have worked through a lot of resentment toward my parents for my forced indoctrination. If I were to find out that one of my parents had not believed but had faked it and hypocritically put me through Christian environment hell to "keep the family together", I would not readily forgive that parent. Your children will eventually know that you are lying to them. I'm not saying that should be a deciding factor for you, because maybe it would still be worth it for you to save your marriage despite that possibility. However, to me, it's not keeping your family together if everyone in the family is lying to each other.

 

My personal belief is that generally a marriage is worth saving if both parties can agree on mutual respect. Right now, it doesn't sound from your post like there's mutual respect - it's just you giving up your integrity (and your kids' minds and your time and your money). Would she be open to counseling? Even a Christian counselor who's any good will recognize that you can't be forced or nagged into changing your mind.

 

 

I want to second the idea about getting counseling. It would be best if you could get your wife to go with you to discuss this issue. If she won't, then you should at least get some counseling by yourself to help you work through the issues and frustrations.

 

I sincerely wish you good luck and I hope that you, and your family, find peace and contentment.

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Welcome, wondering. So many of us have deconverted and still have xian spouses, so we definitely feel your pain. I get what you mean about you being the one who has changed, so it's understandable that she is upset. I feel the same way about my husband. I changed, not him, so he is confused.

 

Your situation is more difficult than mine since you have children. My husband pretty much just won't discuss it, which works okay for us since we don't have any other problems. However, it does get a little annoying when your life partner won't discuss anything deeper than television shows and what's for dinner. :twitch:

 

I don't have any answers for you, but do have a listening ear. We here at Ex-C are here for you and will support you whatever you decide.

 

Jeesh Gypsy, sounds like you've been to my house.

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Wondering, I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through the same thing. I won't go into my entire story here, but I also began doubting and stopped going to church. One day, I felt that I needed to tell my husband about the questions and doubts I had been having. He was very close minded about what I was telling him, and he said that I had broken his heart, and that now he would be worried about what would happen to my soul. At that time, I was still sort of on the fence. Now, I don't see myself ever believing again. I'm hesitant to tell him this however, because I am afraid that our marriage will fall apart. It sucks because I want to be honest about my feelings, but I feel like I can't. We've never been really good at communicating anyway (another marital issue entirely), so the topic is generally avoided. He doesn't pressure me into going to church with him, but I feel guilty about not going because I have a young daughter that goes with him as well. I feel bad that he has to constantly respond to those people at church who ask about me and why I'm not there. I feel bad that my little one asks me to pray at the dinner table, and that she notices that I don't close my eyes anymore when they pray. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is, but as for me, I'm going to put first and foremost the interest of my child before anything else. So I feel that I should go along with things until she's old enough to understand. I plan on going to church this Sunday for the first time as a non-believer, which should be an interesting experience. I'm mostly doing it for my daughter.

 

This isn't an easy thing to go through, especially when you have a family to care for and are concerned about the future of your children. Just know you're not alone, and you just have to do what you feel is right.

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It's hard to know what the right thing to do is, but as for me, I'm going to put first and foremost the interest of my child before anything else. So I feel that I should go along with things until she's old enough to understand.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel EXACTLY the same way you do. Keeping my marriage together is my number one priority, especially for my kids, but also because overall my wife is a wonderful person. If it wasn't for this one issue, we'd have an almost perfect marriage! Unfortunately, this is the Big Daddy of all issues. It does suck to not be able to be completely honest about my feelings, but for the time being I feel like it's the price I have to pay. Again, thanks for sharing. It really helps to know I'm not alone!

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Isn't it amazing, all this anguish and screwed-up relationships over a book of contradictions.

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I guess I'm very "blessed" with my family. My husband was a very weak Catholic when I deconverted about 8 years ago. Through our many discussions, he's become a weak atheist. Neither of us go to church - EVER! We have 2 kids. Our daughter (age 14) is a weak atheist like my husband. She occasionally goes to church with friends but I don't worry about them brainwashing her. Our son (age 19) is a strong atheist.

 

Good luck to all of you who are facing difficulties with your familes. Hang in there!

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I have a different perspective these days. I spent far to long in a marriage that was unhappy, and now I am out I wonder WTF was I waiting for. I stayed for many reasons, all of which now seem stupid and a waste of my life. At present I am living on my own with my youngest son, and I am free to be me, make my own choices and I don't have to conform to another's viewpoint of how a wife should be and act.

Im not saying this is the right course for anyone else, but take a minute to think why are you in a marriage that is not making you happy. kids do not need both parents in the same house! if possible they need both parents to love them and look after them, but there is nothing to say that this cannot be done in different ways to remaining in a marriage.

What is marriage anyway? its held up (usually by religious people) as this all important unit - that is both scared and the BEST way to live. I do not agree. If its not working why stay? marriage should work for both parties - its not a never ending contract not should it be.

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