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Damned If You Do. Damned If You Don't


foolish girl
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So I got up. I was thinking negative church thoughts before my eyes were even open. But I got up. I feed the kids, I got them dressed, I did my make-up, I fixed my hair. I thought about how much i didn't want to go.

 

Struggled with what to say to him.

 

Wondered how he would react- last time he wasn't nice about it.

 

 

The clock is ticking, I am looking at my closet thinking about what to wear when he comes into the room and says "I guess we're gonna go". Meaning he would just go ahead without me.

 

!

 

So I told him how I had been struggling this morning, How I don't know where I stand with him. That I WANTED to stay home, but i didn't want to have a yelling match about it. He said Last time it was just a bad reaction. It was a manifestation of how he feels about all of this....but he isn't going to yell at me.

 

So he gathered up the kids and went out the door.

 

So why do I feel sad?

 

 

I don't know what is "winning" in this situation.

 

 

And as much as I hate church- i hate my family feeling like mom is missing.

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I know exacly how you feel about being the "missing mom". It does get easier. I have been staying home for almost a year now. I do get pangs of guilt from time to time. But when I think about the big video screen that runs baptisms (mostly kids) over and over in the great hall, I am assured I am doing the right thing. I do not want my kids to be up on that screen one day. It really feels creepy when I see it. There's also a big sign and several smaller ones in the kids wing that says "The Bible is True!". I hate that. I feel if I go, I am saying that that is ok by me.

 

Good luck to you! I know it sucks!! I personally think you are doing the right thing, but I know all situations are different.

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HappyB- I also feel like me letting the go is saying "fine by me" . It's a no win situation.

 

I'm sorry FG. I feel the same way too. I'm actually going to go this morning. THey already left for S.S., I'll roll in at the last minute for the service. It all around sucks either way!! Hugs to you!!! I feel for you. I wish it were easier. I wish they could see what we see.

 

freedom

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I know exacly how you feel about being the "missing mom". It does get easier. I have been staying home for almost a year now. I do get pangs of guilt from time to time. But when I think about the big video screen that runs baptisms (mostly kids) over and over in the great hall, I am assured I am doing the right thing. I do not want my kids to be up on that screen one day. It really feels creepy when I see it. There's also a big sign and several smaller ones in the kids wing that says "The Bible is True!". I hate that. I feel if I go, I am saying that that is ok by me.

 

Good luck to you! I know it sucks!! I personally think you are doing the right thing, but I know all situations are different.

 

Thank You, happy

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So sorry you have to go through this guilt 'girl'! I thought I was the queen of guilt! Looks like I have a girlfriend now!

 

I am a natural born 'people pleaser' and I have set some very strong boundaries for myself in the past couple of years and I am stickin' to them no matter how much guilt I have to suffer. I keep my eyes on all the good I do for friends, family, etc. - even with telling them what I will and will not allow in my life anymore.

 

 

Besides going to Church with your kids every single Sunday - I bet you are the greatest mom in the world!

 

Keep your eyes on that hon!

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So sorry you have to go through this guilt 'girl'! I thought I was the queen of guilt! Looks like I have a girlfriend now!

 

I am a natural born 'people pleaser' and I have set some very strong boundaries for myself in the past couple of years and I am stickin' to them no matter how much guilt I have to suffer. I keep my eyes on all the good I do for friends, family, etc. - even with telling them what I will and will not allow in my life anymore.

 

 

Besides going to Church with your kids every single Sunday - I bet you are the greatest mom in the world!

 

Keep your eyes on that hon!

 

Thank you! And you know what, you're right!

 

I was thinking something like "I feel bad that I am not with my family right now" and then I stopped and I was like, "You know what? Fuck that! I am there for them ALL the freakin time!"

 

Day in and out. I don't work outside my home. I live and breathe for these people.

 

They'll be fine!

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you go girlfriend! Enough of that guilt shit! That's better - you rant...........................:woohoo::vent:

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Sorry to hear about the home troubles, FG. I don't know what I can add, coming from a man's perspective. But in my home, it's my wife taking the girls to church while I stay home. But I suppose I don't feel guilty because I do so many other things with the girls that it makes up for the loss of Sunday morning time. The way I see it is, I'm not interested in going to church, and I'll probably cause more harm than anything in going, so I stay home, and this makes us *kinda* happier. I've let go of the guilt, and like I said, it helps to make up for it with daddy time alone with the girls. Take care and I hope things always get better!

 

Dan

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I'm glad he seems to be starting to respect your right not to go.

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HappyB- I also feel like me letting the go is saying "fine by me" . It's a no win situation.

 

I'm sorry FG. I feel the same way too. I'm actually going to go this morning. THey already left for S.S., I'll roll in at the last minute for the service. It all around sucks either way!! Hugs to you!!! I feel for you. I wish it were easier. I wish they could see what we see.

 

freedom

 

Thanks Freedom.

I have done it that way before. I think he was hoping I would this time. Instead I called my sister and caught up with her, went to the store for food, came home and cooked for them and waited.....and waited......They were an hour and 15 minutes later than usual.

 

Turns out there was a potluck and they stayed for it.

 

I said "oh, I didn't know there was a pot luck"

 

And with a smile he said "Well you would have known if you had come!"

 

I told him I didn't think that was clever and he laughed it off.

 

So I felt a little pissed. Now I am just mildly irritated. If I saw that some one had cooked for me and I came home late and full, I would have at least said "thank you"/"Im sorry about that!"

Now he is off taking communion to shut ins.

 

His loss, I was going to give him a burger and then "thank him" for being nice this morning. You know what I mean? :wicked:

 

Now I am just going to do homework! I'll talk to him about it later, of course.

"Thank you for this morning, if there is an activity after church please call me and let me know, blah blah blah."

 

Marriage, man.......am I wrong?!

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I don't know how you can put up with it. I guess you're much nicer and younger than I, and perhaps haven't had your fill of bullshit yet.

 

You're not going to ever get an ideal outcome, but maybe you could consider that if you don't find a final resolution soon there will come a breaking point where you really lose it and regret what you say or do.

 

Wishing you well, always.

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I don't know how you can put up with it. I guess you're much nicer and younger than I, and perhaps haven't had your fill of bullshit yet.

 

 

..............so this is where my new rotten attitude comes from! I'm old, ugly and cranky from all the bullshit I tolerated in my life!

 

Yes,I like being old!! :Old:

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I would have been livid FG!! (((hugs)))

 

My dh and I haven't spoken to each other since we got home from church. I think that he hates my mental dissent so much that he can't enjoy the services when I come. I think that is a boundary issue and his problem and I'm not sure what to do about that. We have plans to see the marriage counselor soon, I have some thoughts and demands to discuss in therapy because I'm coming close to the end of my rope.

 

I hate Sundays and Wednesdays. They are total suck days!

 

freedom

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I would have been livid FG!! (((hugs)))

 

My dh and I haven't spoken to each other since we got home from church. I think that he hates my mental dissent so much that he can't enjoy the services when I come. I think that is a boundary issue and his problem and I'm not sure what to do about that. We have plans to see the marriage counselor soon, I have some thoughts and demands to discuss in therapy because I'm coming close to the end of my rope.

 

I hate Sundays and Wednesdays. They are total suck days!

 

freedom

 

Geez Freedom,

What does he want from you? You could just tell him that you did this for him, but it doesn't seem to do any good- so you will be at home if he needs you.

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I just told him that I was thankful this morning for how he showed some respect for how I feel.

I told him how I felt about the whole lunch thing.

Said if this is a passive aggressive thing then I would rather you were honest with me, than to be rude like that.

 

He said "ok, you're right, I'm sorry.next time I'll call".

 

:shrug:

 

Am I imagining it, or are we making progress here. He doesn't take his cell to church so he has to think old school and go use a phone in the kitchen or something.

 

 

Though he did pause a long time before that apology and give a shake of the head directly after.

I am interested to see if this comes up again later.

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My first thought was, "what an asshole" about the whole pot luck thing, but it does generally sound like progress.

 

Is he always an infant about your feelings, or is he just a jerk around this particular issue?

 

Phanta

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My first thought was, "what an asshole" about the whole pot luck thing, but it does generally sound like progress.

 

Is he always an infant about your feelings, or is he just a jerk around this particular issue?

 

Phanta

 

Just this. That is why it has been so important to me to handle it well. Always hemming and hawing about every related decision. It is the only thing that has ever caused significant argument or ill treatment between us.

 

He apologized some more later. He said that the other times that I had stayed home, when he came back I had not made lunch, so he really didn't expect me to have done that. I told him that is because the other times I was upset. This time I was not upset.

Also a few of those times, I didn't have a car to go to the store- this time I did.

He said "next time I will call"

which is more progress. He is assuming that I will not be there.

 

big day.

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My first thought was, "what an asshole" about the whole pot luck thing, but it does generally sound like progress.

 

Is he always an infant about your feelings, or is he just a jerk around this particular issue?

 

Phanta

 

Just this. That is why it has been so important to me to handle it well. Always hemming and hawing about every related decision. It is the only thing that has ever caused significant argument or ill treatment between us.

 

He apologized some more later. He said that the other times that I had stayed home, when he came back I had not made lunch, so he really didn't expect me to have done that. I told him that is because the other times I was upset. This time I was not upset.

Also a few of those times, I didn't have a car to go to the store- this time I did.

He said "next time I will call"

which is more progress. He is assuming that I will not be there.

 

big day.

 

Sounds like progress to me sister! good for you. Now go and give him a nice kiss........................................... :twitch:

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My first thought was, "what an asshole" about the whole pot luck thing, but it does generally sound like progress.

 

Is he always an infant about your feelings, or is he just a jerk around this particular issue?

 

Phanta

 

Just this. That is why it has been so important to me to handle it well. Always hemming and hawing about every related decision. It is the only thing that has ever caused significant argument or ill treatment between us.

 

He apologized some more later. He said that the other times that I had stayed home, when he came back I had not made lunch, so he really didn't expect me to have done that. I told him that is because the other times I was upset. This time I was not upset.

Also a few of those times, I didn't have a car to go to the store- this time I did.

He said "next time I will call"

which is more progress. He is assuming that I will not be there.

 

big day.

 

Oh wow, that is hopeful, then.

 

You're quite a woman.

 

P

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My first thought was, "what an asshole" about the whole pot luck thing, but it does generally sound like progress.

 

Is he always an infant about your feelings, or is he just a jerk around this particular issue?

 

Phanta

 

Just this. That is why it has been so important to me to handle it well. Always hemming and hawing about every related decision. It is the only thing that has ever caused significant argument or ill treatment between us.

 

He apologized some more later. He said that the other times that I had stayed home, when he came back I had not made lunch, so he really didn't expect me to have done that. I told him that is because the other times I was upset. This time I was not upset.

Also a few of those times, I didn't have a car to go to the store- this time I did.

He said "next time I will call"

which is more progress. He is assuming that I will not be there.

 

big day.

 

Congratulations!!

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I missed all this today. Glad you guys talked about it. You are an incredible mom and wife - I hope you will be able to start enjoying the Sundays alone - a gift of time for yourself.

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"HappyB- I also feel like me letting the go is saying "fine by me" . It's a no win situation. "

 

Yes. I can understand that, too. What we have now is a every other weekend deal. I would not be able to handle the kids going every Sunday. He takes the kids one Sunday and the next they stay home with me. I have no idea if this is a good idea, but it seems to be working a little better than everything we have tried before. I know my in-laws will find out one day and am getting more comfortable with what that conversation might look like. On my Sundays we try to do something fun like the park or the Science museum. We are members and it is almost empty Sunday mornings. It's great.

 

What is kind of sad, and I don't know if it is like this with you, but all this work is done just to keep the peace. We are nice and we are civil to each other, but there are so many things that are off topic it puts a huge empty spot where a good relationship should be. I do hope we can find some common ground outside of religion to build on, but there are so many areas where it comes into play.

 

I agree with whoever said that she knew you were a great mom. I don't know you but you sound a lot like myself with parenting. Every life decision I make revolves around the kids. Basically most of what I do on a daily basis is for them. I also stay home. That helps me deal and not feel so guilty about being the missing mom on Sundays, too. I have been reading the book "Raising Freethinkers" and getting some good ideas about how to not be at war with hubby's xianity, but to just raise thinkers. My hope is that they will think themselves out of it. My life and much of my happiness (probably too much) comes from my kids. They are happy and doing well and I would like to think it has much to do with my parenting.

 

Also, I just visited a Freethinkers group this past Sunday. I am thinking that if I am busy on Sundays, I will not have time wallow in my guilt/anger. I could probably also use a little therapy, but listening to other atheists sure did help! I'm in the Bible Belt and everyone I know is a xian, so at times I feel like there's something wrong with me that I can't believe that stuff. Best of luck to you!!!!!! I know it is hard!!

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