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He Can't Love Me And God


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That's how I feel. He's incapable (it seems) of loving me anymore. It seems an affront to his faith to love both me and god. I'm tired of waiting him out and hoping that things will change. I'm NOT a bad person. I'm not an unlovable person and I'm tired of the emotional abuse. He's punishing me for no longer being a christian.

He won't commit or un commit to our marriage. I want him to Man Up and decide one way or the other. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. For once in his life, he should have to either stand or fall on what he believes in. Whether it be God, or ME or Both.

 

freedom

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That's how I feel. He's incapable (it seems) of loving me anymore. It seems an affront to his faith to love both me and god. I'm tired of waiting him out and hoping that things will change. I'm NOT a bad person. I'm not an unlovable person and I'm tired of the emotional abuse. He's punishing me for no longer being a christian.

He won't commit or un commit to our marriage. I want him to Man Up and decide one way or the other. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. For once in his life, he should have to either stand or fall on what he believes in. Whether it be God, or ME or Both.

 

freedom

 

IMO, marriage is surviving the good and bad for the spouse and through the spouse. I would hope that he come around to his own Standard. Hang in there.

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he should have to either stand or fall on what he believes in

That's good advice.

 

Do you mean that for me? If so, I've been standing by what I believe. I've said all along that we could make this work if we wanted. I've been for us staying together and working on our marriage. I've told him that I'm not just going to give up, that i think it's worth our VERY best effort.

 

Here's something that I wrote in frustration last month.

 

If I've tried love.

If I've tried understanding.

 

If I've tried ignoring you

in hope of some action

If I've tried arguing with you

so my voice could be heard

If I've tried silence

so I may hear your voice

If I've tried friendliness

to bridge the gap between us

If I've tried anger

to show you my hurt

If I've tried kindness

to show you that I care

 

If I've reached frustration

because I don't know what else to do.

And

If I've tried love again and common ground

 

How long do I keep trying?

 

freedom

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he should have to either stand or fall on what he believes in

That's good advice.

 

Do you mean that for me? If so, I've been standing by what I believe. I've said all along that we could make this work if we wanted. I've been for us staying together and working on our marriage. I've told him that I'm not just going to give up, that i think it's worth our VERY best effort.

 

Here's something that I wrote in frustration last month.

 

If I've tried love.

If I've tried understanding.

 

If I've tried ignoring you

in hope of some action

If I've tried arguing with you

so my voice could be heard

If I've tried silence

so I may hear your voice

If I've tried friendliness

to bridge the gap between us

If I've tried anger

to show you my hurt

If I've tried kindness

to show you that I care

 

If I've reached frustration

because I don't know what else to do.

And

If I've tried love again and common ground

 

How long do I keep trying?

 

freedom

 

That's good 'Free'! Sounds like a relationship poem I could have used once!

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Do you mean that for me? If so, I've been standing by what I believe. I've said all along that we could make this work if we wanted. I've been for us staying together and working on our marriage. I've told him that I'm not just going to give up, that i think it's worth our VERY best effort.

It just seems like you're the only one making an effort. I don't know enough about the real situation, but from the information I'm privy to it seems it's time to make a stand and an ultimatum. He seems to not be interested in compromise. Then again, a flawed relationship with this particular person may be better than no relationship, or one with a more compatible partner. I just can't know from here. Good luck with whatever you decide, but it seems it will be you who has to decide.

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Do you mean that for me? If so, I've been standing by what I believe. I've said all along that we could make this work if we wanted. I've been for us staying together and working on our marriage. I've told him that I'm not just going to give up, that i think it's worth our VERY best effort.

It just seems like you're the only one making an effort. I don't know enough about the real situation, but from the information I'm privy to it seems it's time to make a stand and an ultimatum. He seems to not be interested in compromise. Then again, a flawed relationship with this particular person may be better than no relationship, or one with a more compatible partner. I just can't know from here. Good luck with whatever you decide, but it seems it will be you who has to decide.

 

I know you are right.

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That's so frustrating when your partner leaves you to make all the decisions. I just got out of a relationship like that. And yeah, I had to be the one to end it.

I wish you the best!

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I feel your frustration and would dearly love to be able to offer some advice. Kids complicate things not sure if you have any.

 

Perhaps a trial separation may bring him to his senses. The doctrine as you know has god above you anyway so he will be vilified no matter what, just depends on how deep the rabbit hole he has fallen.

 

Sorry I cannot be of better help. :(

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Ask him how much his god will love him when he's in a crappy apartment alone with half his stuff gone.

LOL THanks for that one. I'll keep that tucked away for our next big fight. GONZ9729CustomImage1539775.gif

 

Thanks Margee for the compliment on my writing piece.

 

I did talk with him yesterday about separating. It's not something that we are going to do yet but I felt like I made my voice heard that "I matter" and that I'm done being punished. He says that he is trying to find or come to grips with a new normal for us and our family.

 

I don't think it's so much a love of Jesus that he clings to so dearly as it is a love of church culture and what he perceives as normal.

 

THanks everyone for the support. :)

freedom

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Freedom, it sounds like you're trying to figure out if he loves you without asking him directly. Be direct about your feelings and ask him to be open and truthful about his. Get these issues out in the open. If he can love you and God, he needs to say it. If he's fallen out of love with you because you no longer share the same beliefs, he needs to say it. Don't beat around the bush. Trying to guess what he is feeling will only make you miserable.

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I don't think it's so much a love of Jesus that he clings to so dearly as it is a love of church culture and what he perceives as normal

.

 

 

 

You hit the nail on the head, that is exactly what it is! It was 'church culture' that I first began to despise and see through - but for most christians, it is the 'culture' that they are afraid of losing and all that that entails.

Hang in there - my husband has been somewhat supportive of me in recent months, but we don't talk about the 'controversial' issues much either. I know he's been also seeing a lot of hypocrisy and problems with the church so on that side of things is becoming disillusioned but still holds tenaciously to the in-errancy of the bible ... which continues to be our biggest stumbling block.

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Ultimatum given. Nothing received in return. Declaration of separation. Met first with resistance, next with uncertainty and finally with acceptance. And all I cant think is, REALLY??? 8 months of pouting, anger and ignoring and then you feel justified in walking away? 15 years of marriage and four children and he doesn't know if he can try because I am the one who changed. We had an intense discussion about why I left the faith. He asked, I did not bring it up. And NOTHING I say means anything to him. He doesn't hear anything I say. He only recognizes that he doesn't know me anymore. Either every archeologist, scienctist, anthropologist is out to get him and his god OR the Bible is NOT the Literal word of God. There is no getting around the evidence unless you want to jump through apologetic hoops, put your fingers in your ears or fall back completely on your own emotional experiences. Evidence is NOT on your side. History is not on your side. Reality is not on your side. Honesty is not our your side. You don't know the truth. You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you in the ass. You just want everything to fit in your comfortable little box or you are taking your toys away and not playing anymore.

 

My life is about to change in momumental ways and I'm not sure I can handle it. I haven't had a job in years. I've never paid the bills or killed a cockroach. I've never taken care of anything financial or legal. I'm going to have to find an evening job and I don't even know where to begin. I have a college degree but no experience and certainly nothing that would help me land a job. I need piles and piles of money and I feel like I have no foreseeable way to get it. All I know is that i can't keep living this horrible life.

 

 

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I'm so sorry. This is a tough time, Freedom. But if you meet the challenge head on, you'll come out for the better. I went through a similar major ordeal several years ago. I realized just how much I depended on her in so many areas of my life and now I had to do everything myself. But it made me learn to stand on my own two feet and that was a blessing in disguise. After 6 months, I tried to reconcile, told her I still loved her, told her I would do anything to try to work things out, and she told me I wasn't good enough for her. First, I broke down and went through a horrible depression. Then the break up became my motivation in life to better myself. 6 years later and my life is better than it has ever been. You can get through this. It's heartbreaking and not going to be easy, but you can make it through it and eventually come out on top.

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