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Need Advice On Dealing With Mom


Wandering_Cookie
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Hey everyone, I haven't posted on here in a while. I hate to come back to ask for advice after an absence...but hopefully some of you can help me here. I just need advice on my situation. I know some of you read my de-conversion story, but basically to sum it up, I haven't spoken to my parents since last July. My dad is a money-grabbing evangelical preacher, and i found out he was having an affair with his associate via another evangelist. Through the other evangelist, I was attempting to help a few people that I knew my dad was swindling out of their money by telling them why he shouldn't be trusted. They didn't believe me and sent my emails to my dad, who told them they were made up. I obviously want nothing to do with my dad, and same for him with me.

 

Sometimes I do miss my mom, we were close when I was growing up, and though I have a lot of anger towards her in some areas of my life (I was unable to finish high school because she kept pulling me out for missions) I would like things to be civil for my daughter, as she was a good grandmother before we cut off communication. My daughter's first birthday is coming up in a month and I would like her to look back and see that everyone was on speaking terms, if only for her sake.

 

Am I crazy for wanting this? I don't even know how to start talking to her again. I don't plan on apologizing, as I feel I was genuinely trying to help some people. I know she'll try to convert me back. I simply want to be on speaking terms with her and for all this tension to go away. Also because they keep guilting my brother into trying to get me to get my 'stuff together'.

 

Anyone who has dealt with this before...or anyone that just has any advice...it would be appreciated....

 

Thank you...

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No, you're not crazy for wanting to have your relationship back with your mom, even though it would be totally different than before. My wife had some crazy stuff happen between her and her dad. She has made attempts over the past six years to try to get some tiny little bit of the relationship back, but it "ain't gonna happen" according to him. I'm not quite sure how to word this. Some times, relationships with families just plain go up in smoke. There is another couple that we are friends with, that play more of a grandparent role than any of my kid's grandparents play. These people are like my kid's "adopted" grandparents, if you know what I mean. I hope this doesn't sound horrible, but from what you write, I'd be a little nervous about letting my kid have much (or possibly any type) of a relationship with my parents. I trust you get my drift - consider selecting some "grandparents" that will be healthy for your daughter. Best wishes to you and your daughter!

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It depends on what you want and what you think is best for your daughter, being on speaking terms may or not be important, what is important is the kind of role her grandparents, specifically, her grandmother will play in her life. Kids pick up on things way easier than people realize, so any amount of tension or awkwardness often times they can notice...And it's not just the birthday but the rest of her childhood, will your mom play a good role in your daughters life or not? Eugene is right, we can't pick our family, but we can pick our friends. My girlfriend and I have two very good friends with a young daughter, and we are considered surrogate aunt and uncle simply because both her parents families are all screwed up.

 

You know the situation best, if you feel your mom could play a good role in your daughters life then invite her to fulfill that role, if however she's going to let her religious views impede that well maybe I would move on at that point...

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Wandering,

 

Pay close attention to what Eugene is saying!

 

My only recollection of my father's mother was he wiping her snuff laden spittle off my hands after my having overturned her spittoon.

 

My only recollection of my mother's father was watching him try to shoot the neighborhood kids next door to him with a BB gun for making too much noise.

 

What I remember with full clarity was the Herrings who loved six houses from my parents house. The Herrings had one adult son who lived in another state. My two brothers and I became their "grandchildren."

 

The Herring's loved each other, loved their lives and were satisfied with life: they were available and could not help but share themselves with us.

 

I can remember sitting under the large Spanish oak in their front yard enjoying summer days. Mr. Herring taught me how to whittle and to fix the broken chain of my bike and to be calm.

 

Mrs. Herring graced me with her kindness, her soft and tender voice, her smile, her undisturbed pleasantness and her sweet tea and grilled cheese sandwiches.

 

And never once did the word god cross their lips!

 

I'm sixty-three and still remember my grandparents Mr. and Mrs. Herring.!

 

To them I give thanks!

 

May your child find the Herrings'

 

To all people of grace and integrity, Many Thanks

 

 

saner

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I think it should be simple and honest. I think you could tell her what you've told us here. Your means should be as pure as your motives. I wouldn't even try to influence her in any way. I would just tell her what I feel and why, and then let her make her move as she wishes.

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Sorry that is such a hard situation to be in. I would simply tell her that your daughter's 1st birthday is coming up, you would love to invite her to be a part of it - if she accepts, tell her not to bring up any religion and to focus on the child instead. Make her feel good and happy. Go from there. I wish you the best.

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That's a honestly tough situation. I agree with what people have been saying. Let your mum know you would like her to be there for your daughter and see where that goes.

 

Not much help, but all the best.

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