Posted 2 years ago

[Lizard]

I posted my ex-imony two years ago on the first board, but its long gone now. Of course, much has happened in the meantime. Here is a bit about it..it has no real ending yet, because that is still up in the air. I don't know what I believe, but I do know what I don't believe. Guess its easier to just say "I don't know."

 

I don't believe the Truth can be found in the bible..or any other "holy book" for that matter.

 

Spiritual Truth is subjective. Subjective to each person's feelings, thoughts and experiences. My "view" often changes as I learn new things, explore new areas.

 

So..that said, here is what I have so far. Thanks for reading..no insult if you don't.

 

It began almost 26 years ago. Funny how fear and loneliness are a sure “in” to religion. Twenty years old, alone in a strange town what better to do than seek out a church, right? And that’s just what I did.

I had no real background in it. My parents were not practicing Christians. They would have told you they were Lutheran. And the was the extent of it. Whatever that meant, I never learned growing up.

So, at twenty, alone and pregnant, though I didn’t know that until later, I sought help and comfort. Billy Graham was on tv in the cheap motel I was in. Seemed a good thing to find “church people.”

 

That was the start of many years of up and down confusion. I had had a belief in “god”, but really had no clue what that might mean. Life growing up was not the greatest with two alcoholic insane parents. No wonder I sought something outside of that, there had to be “better.”

 

I started in a small Charismatic church. Believed for a season, left for a season. Kept returning, seeking that which seemed to be missing in me. Always felt “less”. Not quite measuring up, having a child without benefit of a spouse.

 

And not just one, but three! Oh, was I the lowest in the group. Never good for much. I was allowed in one church to clean it after services.

 

Time went on. The kids grew up with a slightly scizo mother. Sometimes super christian, sometimes super heathen.

 

Then..the “Left Behind” books came out. My adult stepdaughter was reading book one on a visit to us. (She’s only 6 years younger than I). I started reading. And reading. Talk about hook, line and sinker! I had never heard about this rapture/tribulation thing. It seemed so “real”..so possible!

 

I went in search of the website for the books and found a message board. My very first, and it was quite a shock! That board has since gone pay, but we all traversed to another..and then another. I found people who’s whole focus, 24/7 was on this crap.

 

I became obsessed with the return and the rapture. I would look at a cloud and be convinced that Jesus was behind it, coming any moment. I became most obnoxious too. Then..

 

I got slammed with a new one. The preterist view. Basically it says that all prophecy has been fulfilled already. I reasoned if that were true, then what were we doing here? It must be a lie, this rapture thing. If that was a lie, what else was too?

 

It was a quick crash and burn. It was very emotionally hurtful too. At this point, it had been 23 years since my conversion. House of cards continued to crumble. First, the belief in prophecy. I always had trouble with the hell issue, except for brief moments of fanatical fundamentalism. At those points, I was convinced everyone was going to hell except an elite small group, of which I was a member.

 

I did a return about a year later. It was of much shorter duration, but quite spectacular. I even joined a very fundamentalist group, became an admin briefly, got banned for posting on a “heathen” board, came back, was admin again and got banned once more for posting about “Paulites”, my version of those who choose to follow Paul instead of Jesus.

 

At that point, I was finished with fundyism for good. I still held some liberal views..such as prayer could be answered, heaven was a real place, Jesus really died and we needed salvation.

 

Real life has a way of intervening though. At work, I saw children who were practicing Muslems and Jews, met their parents. I could not fathom that these people were “wrong” and I was “right”.

 

Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m fascinated by science. Science and religion are a hard mix. Being told I’m a heretic for believing in evolution and the ancient age of the universe really opened my eyes to the idiocy that pervades religiosity. A trip to the “Creation Evidence Museum” really clinched it.