Fresh Release

[Weaver]

Guilt. Overwhelming, pressing, choking guilt. 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

 

I am someone that has left myself and my children in an extremely emotionally and physically abusive home for years. Because of guilt. Because divorce is wrong. Because the pastor said to stay and make it work. Because everything that happened is my fault for not working hard enough, not bringing in the right amount of extra income like the proper Proverbs 31 woman should. Because saying no in marriage is wrong. Because, because, because...

 

Since I was 14 I've questioned the beliefs I've grown up with. The questions that I believe all rational beings grapple with in the face of religion. Why would god make it so hard to believe? Why does all the evidence point towards there not being a god? If he exists and he loves us why would he make it so that some people are never able to learn what it takes to go to heaven? If he had appeared to others, that would mean he was the "bad" gods of the other faiths, right? And my own personal beef, why did he make two beings with brains, hearts, lungs, hands, etc. the same and one is above the other, owning the other to do with as they please.

 

But, my religious upbringing had an answer: When you start to have blasphemous thoughts, just pray for god to take them away and keep praying until they do. Fully fast if need be, but get the poisonous internal dialogue to stop.

 

So, I did. For years I kept myself from thinking, chanting off the canned responses of my youth when others brought discussions up. Passing off the events in my life as okay because the bible said it was. Feeling the guilt of not having the faith I should, the guilt of being less of a wife than I should have been, and the guilt of questioning the word.

 

Then about 10 years ago, I began to allow myself to have those doubts, to explore them and think about them. I finally came to what I thought was reality: that all the god based religions were just variations on the other and all correct.

 

But the problem was: that still left me with the knowledge that I was less. Worth less and to blame for everything that was continuing to happen. Yet I kept on, spouting what I now believe were coincidences as proof that the god did exist. Still holding myself back. Because, if I at least believed in a god, I wasn't completely bad.

 

In the recent few years, my doubts excelerated, yet I still fought myself. I knew what to say, I know how to argue for god. What guilt I experienced as I became more and more sure there was no such thing!

 

And earlier this week was my moment, when I realized I was so fake. That I held religious statements up and claimed them as my beliefs. I don't celebrate easter because of a belief, I celebrate easter because it looks good on facebook status posts and keeps my christian friends at bay, something evidenced by the fact that I didn't even try to keep up the charade on the account I use to be myself and say what I really think and feel to those I actually like. Showing up at church keeps me in a safe place where I'm still walking the walk. I don't argue with my atheist friends about their facebook posts because I disagree with them, but because I want to debate and win my point, devil's advocate style and have my christian friends see the good fight I'm fighting with the poor misguided souls. (Many apologies to my poor atheist friends, by the way.) That though I feel like there might possibly be something out there, it is not the bible god of my youth. Or any variation of him for that matter.

 

I finally feel release.

 

And I am allowing myself for the first time to really accept this knowledge that I've repressed so long.

 

The guilt still comes regularly of course, but now I focus on a different chant, that none of that is real. That it is okay and I will be okay. And the fear that I'm wrong is another battle I'll have to fight.

 

But, I hope for a day when the guilt will go away...

 

 

[Margee]

Wow Weaver! Welcome to Ex-c! Thank you for sharing your story with me. Man - can I relate to this!! You have come to the right place for support! You will find so many of your questions answered. You will see so many testamonies that you will be able to relate to. I could not have made it in the last few months without this wonderful support that I get here. Keep reading - keep posting! It takes time to feel totally free of the bondage of all the bible rules of sumission!!

 

I am going to give to a link to a letter I wrote to god a couple of months ago. I hope it will encourage you my friend! So glad you are here with us!

 

Margee http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/

[Eugene39]

Hi, Weaver. I hear you on the guilt problem. It's always something we're doing wrong - either we're not trying hard enough or we're trying too hard and just need to give it to God. Was at church last Sunday and they were singing something about "No guilt in life" and my brain shut down right there. Anyway, it's always enjoyable to read from newbies who are breaking free. Welcome to Ex-C!

[ilovemybrain]

Welcome! I just want to say please get yourself and your kids out of there and into someplace safe!

[ilovemybrain]

Or did I read that wrong? Are you still in an abusive situation?

[Overcame Faith]

Welcome to ExC, Weaver.

 

You write about suppressing your questioning and the fact that under Christianity faith or belief are a great virtue. Think about this: why would a living god who wanted to make himself known to us require us to have faith and suppress our rational mind? The answer is that he would not. The requirement for faith is your first proof that none of it is true. You only have to have faith in something if there is no real evidence for that for which you need faith. And rationality and logic dictates that if there is no evidence, then it must not be true or, at least, that we cannot yet say it is true. So, you are moving in the right direction. Don't suppress your mind, but use it as you were intended to. Faith is not a virtue, but a weakness.