Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Cain - like Why? His brother Abel gained favor from God by sacrificing sheep. So Cain got the hint and sacrificed Abel to God. That's called pure, cold blooded one-upsmanship in my book. Lot - dislike Why? Child molester. Plain and simple. Abraham - dislike Whenever he got in trouble, he offered his wife up like a truffle. Who does that? "Oh, please. Don't hurt me. Go ahead and fuck my wife." And what asshole abandons one son and nearly sacrifices the other? Jerk. Noah - dislike He named his son Ham. Don't get all bent out of shape when your son clowns you for being drunk and naked after you named him Ham! Og - like We don't know much about Og. In Genesis, he was mentioned as one of the Nephilim, the half human half fallen angel giants, but then his name turns up as a king slaughtered by Moses' forces in Exodus. In my opinion, giants named Og are always awesome! Jacob - like I like how he was always outsmarting people and married and procreated with sisters and their maidservants. That spells PIMP in my book. Moses - intensely dislike He spent 40 years in Midian while exiled from Egypt and married into their tribe. Then while leading the exodus, he swung back to the land of his in laws and had them all executed. When his generals refused to kill the woman and children, he personally went back and murdered them himself. I don't care what the Bible says was the reason for his death. I think Joshua whacked him. Samson - like God gave him great strength, great hair and he used it to pick up chicks. Cut his hair and lost his rock star status. Then he had to get a real job. Sounds like my life. David - dislike This dude banged anything that moved including Jonathan, Bathsheba, and quite likely King Saul and sheep. Solomon - neutral God gave him one wish and he wished for wisdom? Who the fuck picks wisdom?!! Although, threatening to chop a baby in two while messing with the heads of the mothers was pretty cool. But how psycho was the bitch who actually was going to let him chop the baby in half? Fuckineh! Ezekiel - like Holy shit this guy was using some good drugs. The book of Ezekiel is to scripture what the Piper at the Gates of Dawn is to rocknroll. Jesus - dislike He talked a nice game, but his rampage at the temple suggests he actually had some anger issues. Plus, he rose from the dead without giving another sermon and then flew into space promising to be back again someday dooming his followers to forever think we're living in the end times. C'mon, people. It's been 2,000 years. He's not coming back, douchebags. Peter - neutral He's kind of a boring figure. Somewhat of a douche. Paul - like Paul escaped persecution being lowered from a city wall in a basket. This means he was a midget and midgets are automatically cool.
Mriana Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Those I like? Those with attitude. Lilith- not actually a Biblical character, but a Jewish myth and since we are talking mythology anyway... She was the first feminist. Sarah- because she was like, "Oh right! Give me a break! I'm too old to have children." Ruth- I don't care. I'm going with you anyway. Mary Magdalene- I don't know why I have always liked her, but she seems to have spunk. Dislike: Job- because he didn't give God what for. Paul- the books attributed him, generally are sexists. That covers a lot of ground right there. He's a real jerk when it comes to women.
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Paul was an angry little man, wasn't he? But if you read the books in the context of him fitting into a basket, he's kind of adorable.
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Mary Magdalene- I don't know why I have always liked her, but she seems to have spunk. I like her, too. I've read a theory that in the Gospel of John, she is "the apostle whom Christ loved." If you believe she was his wife and the mother of his children, The Gospel of John loses its homoerotic quality and seems more like a lovers quarrel between a revolutionary and his wife who is angry her husband is about to get himself killed.
Mriana Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Paul was an angry little man, wasn't he? But if you read the books in the context of him fitting into a basket, he's kind of adorable. Keep in mind, not all the books attributed to him were written by him. BTW, I have read them in order and I never thought he was adorable, but an utter basket case and misogynist. Job was a basket case too, but he was more of a masochist. He just loved pain and suffering being inflected on himself. What an idiot!
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Aw come. Look at angry little midget. Isn't he just the cutest little man ever?
Mriana Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 As a 4' 11" woman, No, he is not. He should know better than to be a jerk, esp to little people.
par4dcourse Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I like whoever wrote Revalation because he was stone cold trippin'. Biggest dislike is this Hay-zus guy. Very little character development, (30 missing years?) completely unbelievable storyline, and silly special effects. 1 1/2 stars at best.
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Geez. Tough room. :-( But at 4'11" you're still a foot taller than Paul was!
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 I like whoever wrote Revalation because he was stone cold trippin'. Biggest dislike is this Hay-zus guy. Very little character development, (30 missing years?) completely unbelievable storyline, and silly special effects. 1 1/2 stars at best. Sounds like a Keanu Reeves movie
Mriana Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Geez. Tough room. :-( But at 4'11" you're still a foot taller than Paul was! Hey, nothing wrong with a little role reversal. Generally the man is taller. Feels great!
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 You could pinch his cheeks and say "Who's the angry little apostle. You are! Yes, you are!"
Suzy Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 I dislike Jacob. Even as a Xtian I felt it was not fair from God to favour this dishonest cheater over Esau. But God tended to like all these a**holes.
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Yeah, Jacob is a total piece of shit and they named God's official nation after him!
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Another favorite is Balaam. The dude freaking talked to a donkey and the donkey told him there was an angel with a flaming sword nearby. That is so awesome.
Thackerie Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Another favorite is Balaam. The dude freaking talked to a donkey and the donkey told him there was an angel with a flaming sword nearby. That is so awesome. Yup, he was a pretty unflappable dude. A donkey starts talking to him and he doesn't bat an eye. But, then again, it was biblical times, after all. So, I guess he was used to God speaking out of his ass. (These days, God gets pastors and priests to do it for him. And it seems those who have, or are, the biggest asses speak loudest.) 1
sangheili_asylum Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 Haha...the OP made me laugh the most, but all these other replies are great! I'd have to say my least liked figure would be David...a man after God's own heart that killed to sleep with another woman, and who was always messing up...PLUS lots of his psalms are very arrogant and violent. Who does he think he is? Bet he made up the fact that he was favored. Or God's a douche.
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Yeah, if David is a man after God's own heart, then God is like that big, dumb jock who goes around high fiving and slapping guys on the butt whenever he approves.
sangheili_asylum Posted May 1, 2011 Posted May 1, 2011 lol seriously, I didn't even think of it that way...so God just likes to praise David when he scores! Also, dumb jocks often like violence as well, like watching someone's ass get kicked. That kinda fits in here as well. But perhaps he is emo too? A lot of the psalms are really just like "Woe is me, I am so wonderful but THEY KEEP HURTING ME! Please...send daggers into their eyes and rip apart their intestines and let their blood flow all over my hands so that I can drink it up, drink up my glory." Haha like wow...
Foxy Methoxy Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 Hmm a dumb jock with with a sensitive side. God is truly complex!
Mriana Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 You could pinch his cheeks and say "Who's the angry little apostle. You are! Yes, you are!" He might hate women more for that. Hmm a dumb jock with with a sensitive side. God is truly complex! I never did like jocks. Now that explains why I'm not a Xian.
Max Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Least favorite: Abraham - talk about Daddy Dearest! Favorite: Deborah - I believe she was the only woman to ever lead the Jews into battle.
JadedAtheist Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 As a 4' 11" woman, No, he is not. He should know better than to be a jerk, esp to little people. My FSM! I was taller than that in the 3rd grade! (Sorry, not meaning to rub it in but I'm just amazed is all )
Mriana Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 As a 4' 11" woman, No, he is not. He should know better than to be a jerk, esp to little people. My FSM! I was taller than that in the 3rd grade! (Sorry, not meaning to rub it in but I'm just amazed is all ) I can't help it I'm a little person who didn't grow very tall. My parents were short too.
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