Suicide

[Brother Jeff]

Not sure this is the place for this, but I have been going through a DEEP depression the last few weeks and I'm thinking I may not survive this one.

 

I posted this to my bipolar-related blog the other night.

 

http://banishbipolar.blogspot.com/2011/05/major-depressive-episode.html

 

The last few weeks I have been going through a MAJOR depressive episode. These happen generally once or maybe twice per year. The last one occurred early last year while I was visiting family in Texas. It was really hard to deal with, but I got through it.

 

I posted the following tonight on a forum I frequent (this one!) in response to the points raised in this video:

 

 

Yes, I am depressed. Usually I experience a MAJOR depression once or maybe twice a year.

 

I can feel pleasure, but not to the degree I can when I am not depressed.

 

I have a lot of things I would like to do, but I lack the motivation for them because of the depression. This is true even when I don't consider myself to be "depressed". So probably, I am almost always depressed to some degree, but I only call it "depression" when it gets really bad.

 

I haven't engaged in self-injury in thirteen years as far as cutting myself goes, but I did this about a week ago. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was a sign of serious mental illness. But I had an OVERWHELMING urge to do it:

 

 

I know I need to let the wound heal, but I have irresistible urges to pick at it until it is bleeding badly again and getting larger and larger.

 

My sleep patterns are definitely disturbed. I sleep a lot. I do wake up early, but if I force myself to stay in bed I can usually get back to sleep and sleep soundly for a few more hours.

 

My doctor is aware of what's going on with me. I am taking Lexapro for the depression and Ativan for anxiety. I'm also using FUCKING ENORMOUS doses of Kava along with all that, like a 1 oz. bottle in 24hrs. I know there are concerns about the safety of Kava (liver damage and all that), but there comes a time when I just stop caring. About a week ago, I went out to the garage and started the car, intending to commit suicide. After about 15 minutes, I realized that I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the unbearable emotional pain to STOP. I drove myself to the doctor's office and cried in her office and got some help.

 

Next Thursday morning I have an appointment with a doctor to be evaluated to get a firm diagnosis of whether I am bipolar or have major depressive disorder, or whatever. I am very anxious to go through the testing and get the results. BUT... at the same time I battle deep depression every single night, complete with suicidal ideation. During the days, I manage to function, but at night things get a lot harder.

 

Do I need hospitalization? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. When I'm feeling better I get out when the weather is good and walk for miles and honestly enjoy it. But, I also know that I am using the Kava like I normally would alcohol. I really might as well be drinking again... *shrugs*

 

I hope to get out of this depression soon. I'm planning a trip to NYC to see friends in late July, so I'm looking forward to that for sure. I also know I have doctors and family and friends (here and elsewhere) who really care about me and what happens to me. And that makes me want to keep up the fight.

 

I am in a strange place mentally and emotionally of wanting to live and yet at the same time not wanting to live anymore. While my peers have built successful lives and families over the years since high school, I have existed in a LIVING HELL battling severe mental illness that didn't even have a name put to it until 1998, when I was 32 years old. And yeah, that bothers me. It bothers me a LOT. I love every one of my friends on Facebook from high school days, but I shudder at the thought of attending a class reunion. Yes, it would be great to see everyone again, though my memories of high school very much include being one of the "weird kid" outcasts. But... those years are hard for everybody! But what would I say at a class reunion when asked about my life since high school: "Uh... uh... well, gosh, I spent many years severely mentally ill and coped with it through extreme alcoholism and drug use alternating with extreme religious belief. I have no career. I haven't worked in several years, and the jobs I have had have all been low-paying dead-end jobs, with the exception of Dell which got screwed to hell because of this goddamn illness. I have few material possessions. I have very little money. I'm 45 years old and I live with my Dad and when my illness really gets bad I spend his money like there is no tomorrow. Which, of course, he has to deal with after he gets done telling me how he feels about the outrageously high credit card bill. Yeah... real impressive..."

 

My job record sucks. Anyone who looked at my resume would think, "pathetic loser", when in fact my employment record is what it is because all of my adult life I have struggled with serious mental illness which has greatly affected my ability to hold a job for any length of time.

 

My school record sucks. The last few years here in Alaska have been good, but in the decades past my school work clearly shows how ill and screwed up I was.

 

Am I envious of my mentally healthy friends who have lives worth living and careers and friends and social lives and all that? YES!!

 

I spend my days mostly just drifting through each one not having the motivation to do much beyond email and Facebook, though I would *like* to do much more. The motivation just isn't there...

 

My existence is depressing as hell. I don't have a life. I have... an existence. Anyone who had to live my *existence* for even a week would be suicidal, so small wonder that I frequently am. My parents try and they try hard to help me and give me a comfortable life and I appreciate them and love them dearly. But just having a nice place to live and fun things to do like hiking isn't enough. I need a life with MEANING, not just an existence. That's true for everybody!

 

This depression SUCKS. It's mostly brain chemistry and I know that, but it's also partially situational. And I would like to be back in school this Fall to try to better my situation, but the goddamn assholes at UAA Financial Aid took my benefits away. I appealed, but won't know the results until next week. If they don't give me the money I am legally entitled to, I am going to sue the SHIT out of them AND get them in all kinds of trouble with the federal government. They will learn two lessons very quickly.

 

1) It's not wise to piss me off.

 

2) DON'T FUCK WITH ME! I have HAD IT with taking shit off of people for something that I can't help. I can't help being mentally ill and I can't help the results in life that reality sometimes brings. If you can't deal with it and have some compassion and understanding, then FUCK YOU! It's just that simple...

 

I have lived in Alaska for about seven years now, and I don't have a single friend. No social life at all. The reason for that, for the most part, is embarrassing as hell but there is nothing I can do about it. I suffer from a social phobia that makes it extremely difficult for me to use a public restroom. So, I haven't joined any hiking clubs in town or made many efforts to make friends because of this ridiculous but extremely powerful phobia. Imagine when going out with friends if you had to worry about being able to pee if the need arose. That's the position I'm in. According to statistics, about 7 million people in the US suffer from this phobia so I am not alone for sure, but that knowledge really doesn't help all that much in everyday life.

 

I battle constantly with depression to some degree every day, I have no life and never have. I have never even been out on a date, and I'm 45 years old. That's pathetic! And I know it.

 

And I battle with religious issues on a regular basis as well. I spent 15 years as a fundamentalist Christian and now I can't believe I ever bought into that absurd bullshit. That harmful, evil, destructive CULT took away fifteen years of my life with their lies and their myths and their BRAINWASHING. Everything the fundamentalist Christian churches teach is BULLSHIT. The Bible from Genesis to Revelation is easily refutable (and frequently laughably absurd) BULLSHIT. I was a very outspoken Atheist for about eight years but have always felt an emotional pull toward spirituality. I recently tried Eastern religion on for size and it was really nice for a while, but I simply cannot *make* myself believe what I *know* is not true. There are some really wonderful and positive teachings to be found in both Hinduism and Buddhism, but as much as I emotionally wish that God existed, I know that he doesn't. There is no God, and the universe, the origins of life, and the diversity of life on this planet are all completely explainable by purely natural processes. Emotions don't make things true. The world and the universe frequently are not as we might would wish them to be. For a claim to be considered true, it MUST be backed up by credible supporting facts and evidence. Religion has NOTHING going for it in that regard, whereas current scientific knowledge absolutely does.

 

On the subject of Abiogenesis, which those often blatantly dishonest and abysmally scientifically ignorant Creationists love to attack, see this video. It beautifully explains how abiogenesis occurred with *confirmed* research:

 

*Link removed due to absurdly restrictive limit on media files*

 

And on the subject of Creationism:

 

*Link removed due to absurdly restrictive limit on media files*

 

*Link removed due to absurdly restrictive limit on media files*

 

Fucking morons. And they are INTENTIONALLY dishonest. Christianity as a whole DISGUSTS me. It is a dangerous myth and a dangerous CULT that has stained the pages of history with BLOOD, and it continues to cause many problems in the world today. In the US alone, untold resources that could be put to MUCH better use are being channeled into keeping religion and the pseudoscientific absurdity known as Creationism out of our schools and particularly out of our science classrooms. Does a laughably absurd Bronze Age myth that posits that the universe and the world were created simultaneously by an Invisible Man speaking a power magical spell from Nowhere really belong in our schools? I don't think so! That kind of BULLSHIT belongs in churches, not in schools. Does the absurd notion that humanity was created out of a pile of dirt by a god and that the first man and woman fell from grace because they ate some magic fruit from a magic tree really belong in our schools? I don't think so! That kind of BULLSHIT belongs in churches, not in schools!

 

Are your beliefs insane? If you are a Christian, probably so! Here is a handy checklist for you:

 

 

I can't believe I took that BULLSHIT seriously for fifteen years of my life! GODDAMN! What the FUCK was I thinking???

 

 

No wonder the rest of the world is laughing at us. Instead of devoting our resources to teaching our children the facts about the way the world and the universe really are, we are busy with absurd debates designed to keep BULLSHIT out of our schools. JESUS CHRIST! No wonder our nation is going to hell in a handbasket, aside from the goddamned Republicans and the evil they constantly think, say, and do. Don't even get me started on them... FUCKING ASSHOLES -- EVERY ONE OF THEM!!

 

End of rant, I suppose... I could go on for hours yet probably... Grrrrr.....

[Brother Jeff]

I keep alternating between planning to commit suicide and deciding to try to hang on and keep fighting. I have planned to do it tomorrow. Will I go through with it? I honestly don't know...

[Brother Jeff]

See this thread also: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/45937-the-science-of-depression/

[Thurisaz]

(((((Jeff)))))

 

Shit, man, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you

 

1. get though this without lasting harm

 

2. can get the correct kind of therapy to get this back under control

 

[Dagan]

Jeff, it's not worth it to end your life. Your experience can help so many other people. Help them so they don't have to go through what you did. You are strong. Show others how to be strong, too.

[ilovemybrain]

How can you not be sure if you need hospitalization? Please go...let them take care of you.

[Galien]

I am in a strange place mentally and emotionally of wanting to live and yet at the same time not wanting to live anymore. While my peers have built successful lives and families over the years since high school, I have existed in a LIVING HELL battling severe mental illness that didn't even have a name put to it until 1998, when I was 32 years old. And yeah, that bothers me. It bothers me a LOT. I love every one of my friends on Facebook from high school days, but I shudder at the thought of attending a class reunion. Yes, it would be great to see everyone again, though my memories of high school very much include being one of the "weird kid" outcasts. But... those years are hard for everybody! But what would I say at a class reunion when asked about my life since high school: "Uh... uh... well, gosh, I spent many years severely mentally ill and coped with it through extreme alcoholism and drug use alternating with extreme religious belief. I have no career. I haven't worked in several years, and the jobs I have had have all been low-paying dead-end jobs, with the exception of Dell which got screwed to hell because of this goddamn illness. I have few material possessions. I have very little money. I'm 45 years old and I live with my Dad and when my illness really gets bad I spend his money like there is no tomorrow. Which, of course, he has to deal with after he gets done telling me how he feels about the outrageously high credit card bill. Yeah... real impressive..."

 

What I read and by extension see is a man who has fought a sinister disease long and hard, and for whom life has been hundreds of times more difficult than for those who don't have to fight it. I'm sure you could run rings around all those "normal" people Jeff when it comes to survival. Why are you so hard on yourself? At your class reunion you should say "I'm still here" and no matter who understands it or who doesn't, YOU and only you understand the mountains you have had to climb to do that. I have fought a similar battle with depression and the cunt of a thing has led me to the brink of suicide many times. No one but those who live in it can understand the soul grinding pain of it, the depth of the despair and the grey that covers everything.

 

But even so, and I know it doesn't stop the pain, think of all the things you have learned because of it, the way you see the world in probably a much more honest light than most. So, you have tried to self medicate, no point smacking yourself around for that either. I happen to think the fight in you is very impressive, and I would like to think that you are able to keep it up. Don't know about you, but I HATE giving in. You are not here to please the rest of the world with your "achievements". Sounds to me that getting through each day for you IS an amazing achievment. Any sucker can buy a house or show off his boat, where is the challenge in that?

 

It sucks that some of us draw the depression card in this life. It is a cruel and deceptive mistress, striking when one least expects it and dragging us around by the hair. I will be fucked if I will let the bitch defeat me.

 

And Jeff, if you really feel you cant stop yourself GO TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL STRAIGHT AWAY OR GET SOMEONE TO TAKE YOU THERE. We dont want to lose you.

[Brother Jeff]

I am tearing that self-inflicted sore on my arm all to hell. There may be permanent scarring the way it looks. And a part of me wants to rip into it with the scissors though of course I know how hellishly that would hurt and what a mentally ill train of thought that is.

 

My father has no idea of my mental condition, nor would he understand if I told him. My mother would understand but would be horribly worried for my safety. I have not told her either the extent of how bad this situation is.

 

I know my Dad won't understand the need and will think only about the cost of it above all else, but I am going to the hospital tomorrow. I don't WANT to go. Who would? But I NEED to. I know that. I just feel like there is no hope. What have I NOT tried over the years? And nothing has worked... It seems like it would be a lot easier to just get it over with and end my suffering even knowing how much pain that would cause others who care about me. But I will continue to fight...

 

Thanks everybody for your replies and your compassion and your concern, friendship and everything else...

[Brother Jeff]

I've consumed an entire 1 oz. bottle of Kava in the space of six hours. Wow...

[noob]

Jeff, words fail me. Please, please get help today.

[Overcame Faith]

Jeff, I just now walked into my office, turned on my computer, and read this. It sounds like you are going to the hospital this morning. That's a good thing. I'm sure you will be very open with them and tell them everything that you are going through. You will be on my mind all day today.

[jkc]

I know my Dad won't understand the need and will think only about the cost of it above all else, but I am going to the hospital tomorrow. I don't WANT to go. Who would? But I NEED to. I know that. I just feel like there is no hope. What have I NOT tried over the years? And nothing has worked... It seems like it would be a lot easier to just get it over with and end my suffering even knowing how much pain that would cause others who care about me. But I will continue to fight...

 

Thanks everybody for your replies and your compassion and your concern, friendship and everything else...

 

 

I know what you're going through...been there many times. But it will pass you're a lot stronger than you realise. . Glad to hear you're going to the hospital....

[hereticzero]

Please quit taking Kava. It may be interfering with your medication from your doctor. Hang in there, Bro. See your doctor today or go to the hospital.

[buffettphan]

Jeff,

 

Oh damn, I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but PLEASE don't kill yourself! I'm so glad you're going to the doctor/hospital today. Read and keep re-reading what Galien said! We DON'T want to lose you -- we would miss you tremendously. Hang in there. And keep us posted!

[Margee]

I am so sorry you are going through this Jeff.... If only I could wave a magic wand and make you all better....................... Damn..............Please let us know if you going to be ok. You are loved my friend.

 

 

[freespirit]

Jeff,

 

I am serious when I say please look into some nutritional help. I think if you gave your body what it needs nutritionally, it could change some things on the cellular level and maybe you wouldn't go into such a DEEP depression. (That is not the same as taking an entire bottle of kava in six hours.) If you could see a nutritionist who knows about drug interaction etc with supplements it could help. I feel bad for you. Don't give up.

[BrotherJosh]

Hang in there Jeff, I hope you went to the hospital...I always love reading your posts and status updates about farting with Jesus. Glory! May you find the help you need man!

[foolish girl]

How can you not be sure if you need hospitalization? Please go...let them take care of you.

 

Yes, what brain said. Take the vacation. pack some good books, do daily therapy...try new drugs....Jeff, if you "really don't know"...pleae go and do that. You only get this one go 'round. <3

[Phanta]

Thinking of you, Jeff.

 

Those who face mental illness and survive time after time are the strongest people on the planet. Many "normal" people act as they do toward mental illness because they completely lack copes to handle similar mighty challenges. They have it easy. You are so strong! I'm glad to hear you are getting support from professionals.

 

Phanta

[stryper]

1.800.SUICIDE

 

 

Go to the appointment. Stop taking anything that is not prescribed to you. Ask about Cognitive Therapy in addition to whatever else they describe.

 

 

Talk to your family and keep asking for help.

[lostman42]

Please get help. I've seen the damage suicide does to our world. Almost a year some one I had known for a very long time committed suicide, I watched while my whole town was emotionally torn apart by it. Even if you don't think it would hurt anyone I can assure you that killing yourself will hurt a lot of people. Please seek help suicide isn't worth it.

[Brother Jeff]

I'm leaving for the hospital in a few minutes. Stopping by my doctor's office on the way.

 

I love all of you. Words are not enough. Thank you!

[Margee]

I'm leaving for the hospital in a few minutes. Stopping by my doctor's office on the way.

 

I love all of you. Words are not enough. Thank you!

 

Thank you sweet friend, for letting us know. Please, somehow - if you can - let us know how you are doing. Sincerely, Margee

[JadedAtheist]

I'm leaving for the hospital in a few minutes. Stopping by my doctor's office on the way.

 

I love all of you. Words are not enough. Thank you!

 

I'm so relieved to hear that! If you can, please keep us up to date with what's happening!

[hereticzero]

Get to feeling better Jeff.