Did You Feel Like You Belonged?

[AlphaToOmega]

I hated church. Detested it in fact. My parents forced me to go to this crappy place where they packed people in like cattle, make you dress for the occasion all the while telling everyone how loving and understanding they are. Yeah? Well why the hell can't I go to Church dirty because I was catching frogs all morning? Nooo. You have to present an image. Pretentious assholes particularly the priests. Nothing more than legalised beggars. I also found them creepy. It was much later that I found out about all the sex scandals.

Often I'd say to my parents I will sit with my friends in the back. So we left the church and walked along the river looking at boats. There wasn't even a need to go back into the church because we'd just meet up with everyone after if finished and say we got out first. We were in the back after all. But I spent a few years in every Sunday, trapped, like an animal before meeting with like minds and escaping every service.

I thought everyone in there was insane and even people I liked I lost respect for when I found out they went there willingly.

My mother would give me change to give as they passed the bowl of death around. Since I wasn't actually in the church when I was older (about 16) I'd go buy cigarettes instead and smoke while walking around the river. A far better use of money than giving it to those leeches.

 

 

So yeah, I guess you can put me in the no I never felt like I belonged category.

The only way I could have not belonged more is if I self ignited simply by walking into one of those places. Now that I think about it. It does explain the odd looks I used to get and the smoky smell I always noticed in churches.

 

 

[Deva]

Oddly, I've had difficulties connecting with the local atheist group in town. Not sure why...just doesn't feel like a good fit for some reason.

 

I went to a skeptic/atheist convention and felt hideously out of place and very much the opposite of accepted and belonging. To be honest I ended up sitting there thinking 'at least the christians do these events well and *try* to talk to people'. I was really quite disappointed with how uncomfortable I felt at having once been a Christian - it was like I was *dirty* or something from being contaminated with religion lol. I'm pretty certain that not all skeptic/atheist groups are like that but it put me off and made me think that I was better finding fellow non-believers in an organically natural way....

 

I have had similar experiences too. When I first decided to leave the Baptist church for good I was at loose ends and didn't know what to do so I went to a Unitarian Church. It was very strange to me- I couldn't really relate to anyone there at all. There were a bunch of humanists and atheists and I don't know what all kinds of ideas but they all seemed to come out of some cookie- cutter liberal political thing. It was all about various causes - and then there were classes on sex and stuff like that. Really weird, it was almost the diametric opposite of the fundamentalism I left, and yet it was still fundamentalist in its own way! I couldn't imagine anyone with a conservative political view staying there for a second. My point is that it was as equally polarized as the Baptists but to the opposite extreme. It wasn't really any kind of religion, yet it was a church building with pews and everything. There were some classical music programs there but too high priced. They also wanted your money big time just like any other church. I still go there for the annual Buddhist retreat, but then the place is transformed into a Buddhist shrine for a week and seems much better. The whole sangha circumambulates the church building and chants for an hour or so and then the lama is in there chanting in Tibetan - it feels like they are driving out evil spirits and making the place sacred, it honestly feels that way.

 

Then one time I went to a meeting of humanists and no one spoke to me. I felt I was being scrutinized and stared at. It was not a pleasant experience at all. The people there acted no differently than at some churches.

[dB-Paradox]

I never really felt like I belonged. I was always trying to make sense of bible passages I was reading on my own, and someone would always tell me I was misunderstanding what I had read. I always felt as though everyone was better than me. It was highly frustrating. I'm also an INFJ, so I don't always feel like I fit in even as an apostate among other apostates.

[Mike D]

As a teen I was an outcast at church, no question.

 

I thought church was boring and dumb, and so I was considered to have an "attitude problem" especially among my church youth group. (I thought they were all a bunch of non-thinking sheep, conformist idiots).

 

In high school my main worry was being as cool as possible, getting invited to all the parties, doing a little drinking and smoking pot, and basically just hanging out with my posse of friends and having a good time. Since Bible-toting kids were considered "thumpers" at my school and thought of generally as religious whackjobs, the last thing I wanted was to be associated with any of them or that.

 

As I got older I tried to make more of an effort to belong, but it was just impossible - I just couldn't stand some of the bullshit your average Christian would talk about and expect you to think the same way or you were branded a "lukewarm" Christian. Enough was enough.

[Yalta]

At what point did you stop believing in it, Mike D? It sounds like you were a Christian, and yet embarrassed about being one at the time.

[Mike D]

At what point did you stop believing in it, Mike D? It sounds like you were a Christian, and yet embarrassed about being one at the time.

I held on to the belief for most of my life until I guess around 2005. But, I didn't attend church during that time - I decided that a church is just a building and if god really loved me he would accept me whether I went to church or not.

 

Growing up I was definitely embarrassed, although my parents forced us to go to church since I was a child, when I reached my teen years we switched to a Pentecostal church with speaking in tongues, screaming and shouting, hand clapping, shaking in the spirit, all that batshit crazy stuff. Now THAT was embarrassing! I was actually somewhat shocked that my parents even got involved in a church like that, it was like a cross between a mental hospital and the freak show tent at a circus

 

Each year that passes now just proves to me even more what bunk it all really is. I've been through so much personal shit over the past three years, yet by depending on myself to pull myself through tough times instead of depending on non-existent invisible friends, I have managed to get through everything as well as achieve some pretty amazing personal goals on top of it. No thanks to Jebus, he apparently was much too busy wiping people out with tsunamis and earthquakes to bother with me and my silly problems

[Not_Scarevangelist]

This is probably the saddest part of my story.

 

When I got into Christianity, I thought that Christians are more loving than the others, more forgiving, more sensitive...

 

But when I started to attend the church of my girl I never had the feeling I belonged. I was the outcast... I wasn't part of their community... Then a person told me: "You should let people know you". And I let them and I started to feel part of them, but only for a while... Then problem started, gossips almost ruined the family of my girl...

 

Then other people started to tell me: "You should return to the Church, but don't look at other people... you should look only at God"... this didn't work, because the church is a community after all...

 

Then a wife of the youth pastor told me: "Look. People in Church aren't better than people in the world. The only difference is that they are saved"...

 

WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK?

[Deva]

Then a wife of the youth pastor told me: "Look. People in Church aren't better than people in the world. The only difference is that they are saved"...

 

WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK?

 

Exactly. Yet we hear from these same people that the saved are completely changed. Of course they still act like everyone else and often worse.

[deepthought]

I became a Christian at 18 after a Holy Spirit encounter (still not sure what to make of these emotional events). I was raised by very liberal parents, they were first Unitarians and then part of the Quaker Friends... I think this was my dad's way of giving us some church without the crazy Baptist upbringing he had, he didn't and doesn't believe in god.

As a teen my parents relationship imploded with emotional and physical abuse, I was ripe for a conversion at the time. I joined a little shepherding church, (they didn't think they were, but they most definitely were) We were all very close I'd never felt such security, but I was different , my upbringing conflicted terribly with the church. This was during the 80's and the church was very political Reagan was president... (terrible for arts funding and I'm an artist) My first voting experience was me being church-bullied into voting for R. I did many things outwardly to fit in, and because I believed Jesus wanted it of me, it was a tiny little fishbowl we were all in, they controlled us way too much, I stopped listening to my parents.... I was hearing from "god" and church-bullied instead. I'm quite a bit older now, that church had leadership egos that destroyed it, I met my husband there and married him right before the church broke up. We've been to several churches over the years, I home schooled my son through a program with the last one... it was Seeker Sensitive, what a snooze fest. I think if I had really fit in at the church I would have maintained the relationships, these folks all still live close by, and I have friended some of them on Facebook, but really I never had anything in common with them other than to tow the church line. As far as "fitting in" it's over rated, be yourself it's way more fun and it is the way you were "designed"

 

"You're a jerk, a complete kneebiter"

 

Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged

[dona_priscilla]

When I was a kid I felt I belonged, mostly because it was a small church and I was related to half the

congregation.

 

As a teenager I tried to join youth groups and was excited for a little while, although I never felt

a connection with anyone. In fact, one time they planned a trip to the beach and forgot to pick me up.

I stopped attending their meetings and I don't think anyone noticed.

 

I joined a christian group while in college, and the same thing happened. I remember praying to god for friends; not even a boyfriend, just a couple of good friends. Eventually I made good friends on my own, and coincidentally, none of them attended church (most had *some* religious beliefs more or less).

 

As an adult, I attended church every Sunday by myself. I met a few nice people, but again, no lasting friendships. I blamed myself a lot because , after all, I was the common denominator. I know I am an extremely introverted person, and that I am not good in groups. I repeled the idea of being active in student organizations the same way I repelled church membership, but since I was not supposed to feel that way about church, I repressed it (and felt inmense guilt).

 

I knew I was the one with the issues; the one who needed to change. I also felt less spiritual than everybody else, and felt forced to adopt a facade every time I spoke to any of them. Like being myself was wrong. In the other hand, with my friends I was free to display my sense of humor without feeling like I had to speak "christianese".

 

In spite of everything, I was a very devoted christian who always preocupied about god. I left the church because

I did some research and figured out all was bullshit, but not having to go to church was the icing on the cake. I am SO GLAD I don't have to go there again.

 

 

[Galien]

Then a wife of the youth pastor told me: "Look. People in Church aren't better than people in the world. The only difference is that they are saved"...

 

WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK?

 

Exactly. Yet we hear from these same people that the saved are completely changed. Of course they still act like everyone else and often worse.

 

I'm as weird as fuck and actually took the bible literally so I believed the above, that christians were supposedly better than everyone else, certianly kinder, more loving and less judgemental. The evidence to the contrary over 36 years as a christian slowly melted my brain with cognitive dissonance until I had the sense to get out a couple of years ago. I didn't fit in because I have high expectations of myself and others, that no one else really seemed to care about.

 

I thought that being a christian meant rejecting everything that "the world" held dear, like ego, status and the need to feel superior. When I saw christians still acting that way I just didn't understand. Now I understand that they didn't give a shit. I didn't want to fit in with people like that.

[Max]

Outcast, but I can be lonely in the middle of a crowded room also. INTJ personality, I guess.

Same here. I think churches are for extroverts and feelers. Their idea of fellowship is to make you spill your guts (extroversion) and then avoid intellectualizing (feeling).

[Galien]

Outcast, but I can be lonely in the middle of a crowded room also. INTJ personality, I guess.

Same here. I think churches are for extroverts and feelers. Their idea of fellowship is to make you spill your guts (extroversion) and then avoid intellectualizing (feeling).

 

 

Oi, INFJ who thinks, but doesn't fall into the trap of worshipping reason

[ClaraOlive]

I always felt out of place - the bored doubter among the devout, the childfree future career woman among the future SAHMs, the unemotional one who never felt god "touching my heart" among the worshipers. It didn't help that in high school, there were only two other children my age at my parents' church and they were both touchy-feely unintellectual homeschoolers.

 

But OTOH, I felt like I belonged because I had literally no where else to go. I was forced to go to Christian school and only be part of school or church activities. I wasn't unpopular at school and I often had fun doing things that weren't explicitly Christian with classmates, but I was still torn up inside about my non-belief. I was a miserable and confused college student, eaten up with guilt every time I tried to pull away from Christianity and feeling like I had no place among either Christians whose beliefs I didn't share, nor non-Christians who viewed me as a socially stunted weirdo. After 18 years of fundamentalism, I didn't know how to fit into even the blandest secular culture. In grad school, I didn't try to get to know anyone or fit into any group, until I got married and rejoined the church.

 

When I got divorced and left the church for good, I was older and had gotten to know a few other people through school despite not extending myself much, and although I still struggled with feeling like I didn't belong anywhere, I stood firm against not getting sucked back in. I still miss the idea of a community even though I increasingly believe it may be an illusion. I'd be willing to try out a freethinkers group, although I don't live particularly close to one, but my life doesn't have a central focus like Christianity provides, where a common interest or belief would be enough to really tie me to a group.

[YellowJacket]

 

Same here. I think churches are for extroverts and feelers. Their idea of fellowship is to make you spill your guts (extroversion) and then avoid intellectualizing (feeling).

 

 

I'm an extrovert, but not a feeler. So I NEVER fit in or was accepted in any church. I actually believed the magic nonsense, but non of the other christards believed that I believed it. Mainly cuz I hung w/ artists and atheists, you know, cool, kind, humanist helpful people. Never could tolerate the company of the religious even when I was one.

 

WOW I sher had the blinders on for almost 50 yrs.

[Margee]

I believed the whole bible literally and the experience of the holy spirit. I tried to be very sincere before god. I never, never, never, never, never felt 'saved'. I NEVER felt good enough for these people. I felt like I was the only one in the whole world who used to get mad (all by myself ) and then curse.

I danced behind their backs to disco music. I smoked cigarettes and drank wine to excess.

 

I actually got a crush on the pastor and would 'googlely eye' him as he preached the sermon on Sunday's. I felt like Satan always had his hands on me and somehow I could not 'bind and loose' him. I spent a lot of time on my knees asking god for forgiveness. I said the 'sinners prayer' a ka-zillion times.

 

I always pretended to be part of the group and at times I thought I 'arrived'.. I really didn't care about impressing the people - well I cared, but - I really wanted to feel god's approval and NEVER really felt it.

[Deva]

Then a wife of the youth pastor told me: "Look. People in Church aren't better than people in the world. The only difference is that they are saved"...

 

WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK?

 

Exactly. Yet we hear from these same people that the saved are completely changed. Of course they still act like everyone else and often worse.

 

I'm as weird as fuck and actually took the bible literally so I believed the above, that christians were supposedly better than everyone else, certianly kinder, more loving and less judgemental. The evidence to the contrary over 36 years as a christian slowly melted my brain with cognitive dissonance until I had the sense to get out a couple of years ago. I didn't fit in because I have high expectations of myself and others, that no one else really seemed to care about.

 

 

I believed it too, for many years. I was around in my late 30s when I ran across Christians who behaved in such a glaringly atrocious way that I was forced to abandon that very deep belief.

[Saviourmachine]

I have always been an outsider, in church. Still am. I realized today at lunch that I couldn't chitchat w.r.t. some topic (about biological farmers being mean to their animals). A better belonging person might have been able to make conversation anyway...

 

But do I care, should you care?

 

Make sure you are happy and everything will belong to you.

[freespirit]

So, do you feel like you fit in anywhere now? I pretty much don't feel I do for the most part. I wonder how anybody can understand me, ex-pastor's wife, ex-preacher, ex-pentecostal. It feels like there is an invisible wall between me and other people. I wonder if I will ever get over it.

[ScifiChick]

So, do you feel like you fit in anywhere now? I pretty much don't feel I do for the most part. I wonder how anybody can understand me, ex-pastor's wife, ex-preacher, ex-pentecostal. It feels like there is an invisible wall between me and other people. I wonder if I will ever get over it.

 

 

How long has it been since you deconverted?

 

As I mentioned, I feel like I fit in Down Under, and I never felt like I fit in over in the U.S., both in the church and out... my husband and I are in the process of moving to the U.S. - he got his permanent visa recently - and I'll be real curious to see if I fit in now that I'm happy. We'll be returning to Australia within five years, so it actually doesn't matter if I fit in, as I'm perfectly happy just fitting in with my husband and my mother, but it will be interesting to see if I fit in better based on the changes in my personal psyche. I'm not holding out a lot of hope for that, sine we're settling on the edge of the Bible belt in Virginia.

 

 

[AlphaToOmega]

I'd like to belt the Bible.

Ooops. Did I write that out aloud???

[Spongeworthy]

I did up until I started to question aspects of my religion. Whenever something didn't make sense to me, I was always given unfullfilling responses by my parents and youth pastors such as "God works in mysterious ways", "It's all part of God's plan", and "God allows bad things to happen so that we will appreciate the good things that much more" (So little Kwame in Ethopia is stricken with Malaria, has an undiagnosed tumor in his brain, is starving to death, and has to take care of his infant sibling because he lost his mother due to starvation, all so Darren in Philadelphia will better appreciate the fact that he owns ten convertables and lives in a big house? Yeah, that seems fair).

 

I was beginning to seriously doubt my religion at this point and was wondering why nobody could give me an answer that I would be content with, as the only thing I was looking for was some kind of assurance that my doubts were irrational and unfounded. Despite these doubts though, I found myself engaging in multiple debates with friends and others about the existence of God and the validity of evolution which we had been learning about at this point in time. I was arguing on behalf of God, something that I was having serious doubts about, against evolution, something that I refused to admit made sense to me, and Why? Because I thought it was all a test of my faith. I genuinely believed that Satan was causing my doubts and that by staying true to my faith and blocking out all worldly knowledge that deemed God unlikely or outright impossible, I was being a good Christian. I was literally forcing myself to believe something that I no longer did, and you know what? It was working. That's how badly I wanted it all to be true. I had put in too much emotional investment for it not to be.

 

The thing that bothered me though was that all the others in my youth group seemed to have a closeness with God that for whatever reason, I had yet to acquire. I couldn't fathom for the life of me why despite the fact that I wanted it so badly, I had still yet to truly "feel" his spirit. Was it the doubts that I had? If so, how could I eliminate them? I had pushed them so hard to the backburner that I genuinely believed that they weren't there anymore; was that not good enough? So I had a heart to heart talk with my youth group leader and he recommended that I be "saved". So, the next week I attended a special service, said a prayer, and was re-baptized. After a little while, I still felt the same doubt and did not feel fulfilled as I was supposed to, so what did I do about it? I pretended that I did feel his spirit and once again, lied to myself because I wanted it so badly. Later that year however, news had gotten out that one of the guys in our youth group had quit because of the doubts he was having. He had told the youth group leader, word for word before walking out, "I don't feel that God is really there, I guess I'm just not a good Chrisitian." After we had heard the news, we said a prayer for him and then to my dismay, everybody spent the rest of the evening talking about him in a derogitory manner as if he had murdered his mother. They discussed where he was likely to end up in life without God by his side and about how badly influenced he had been by society. All the while, I was sitting there playing along as if I agreed with the notion of him being a bad person, but in actuality, my mind was racing, as I knew deep down that I was having the same doubts and that it could very well have been me that they were all condemning. I realized at that moment that the only thing that seperated him and me was that he was being honest with himself.

 

Well, years passed and I had asked more questions about my own religion, learned alternative theories in my quest for truth, and have graduated with a degree in Sociology which has allowed me to fully understand the extent to which I forced my belief, and here I am today, a certified atheist. I now feel the sense of belonging that I had been searching for all these years because I am now being honest with myself, not to mention one is able to think alot clearer when not trapped inside a bubble.

[SillyString]

I never felt like I belonged at any church I attended. I tried to fit in and participate within the church, but it just never felt right to me. My in-laws and other people in the church were always trying to get me to do this and that, always pressuring. My husband wanted so desperately to join a church but I was never happy at any of the churches we attended. I remember people openly worshiping and going down to alter calls and all of that...I just could never bring myself to do any of that. I never understood why I couldn't be like that, but I understand it now.

 

Many ex-Christians say the best part of it was this sense of belonging. But I never felt I belonged. The friendships I made there were superficial and usually not lasting.

 

No, I never felt I belonged there. In fact, I felt the contrary. I didn't dare to articulate it to myself at the time but now I do: I hated it how all the people behaved, dressed, talked the same! I hated this sheep mentality as if noone has their own personality, just this Jesus robot one. That's why I didn't really make friends either, I think.

 

Having said that, I'm not someone who is easy to make friends anyway. If I do, it has to be profound and you don't find that very often. I'm also someone who likes to spend a lot of time alone, just thinking, reading and often people get on my nerves. I'm not a very sociable type.

 

Suzy, I'm a lot like you. I don't make lasting friendships easily and I treasure my alone time.

 

 

 

[AlphaToOmega]

Making friends is hard. Making acquaintance's is easy.

Some never learn the difference.

[lostman42]

@ freespirit

I know exactly how you feel